January 23, 2019
Aide: Mr.
President, I have important news!
Trump: That’s good,
find Mulvaney, or Jared, or …
Aide: Mr.
President, this is important. Put down
the remote!
Trump: [Turning off
television with annoyance] This better be good.
They’re about to spin the wheel to see who …
Aide: Mr.
President, there have been major developments in Venezuela.
Trump: Venezuela? Which one is that again?
Aide: South
America, sir. The economy is in shambles
and a left-wing regime has been clinging to power.
Trump: Do I have
any buildings there?
Aide: No, sir! [takes
deep breath] That’s not the point. There
has been a standoff since the last election.
The socialist president claimed victory but the opposition claimed widespread
fraud. The US has been encouraging the
opposition to press its claims to restoring democracy.
Trump: This is
getting boring.
Aide: Sir,
today, the opposition leader declared that President Maduro is not the
legitimate president.
Trump: Great, an
opening!
Aide: Sir?
Trump: Look, the whole
“immigration crisis” is a disaster. We all
know that as soon as Mueller starts filing paperwork I’m out of here. I might like being President of Venezuela.
Aide: But, sir,
no one has asked you to …
Trump: Tell Pompeo
that we recognize this opposition guy as interim President until I can get this
all figured out. I might need to call
Vlad.
Aide: Sir, really, none of the sides wants ...Trump: [On phone] Melania! Pack your bags. Guess where we're moving?
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