"Tough Language" for Tough Times

January 16, 2018

Somewhere in the West Wing

Washington, DC

Kelly:  Okay, we all know why we're here.  We've got to get ahead of this story on what happened and what was said in that Immigration meeting with the Congressional leaders.

Trump: You mean when I called Africa a bunch of shi....

Kelly:  Sir!  We agreed you weren't going to say that word ever again.

Trump:  Okay, but I still don't see the big deal, they're a bunch of shi ....

Kelly:  Sir!!!

Trump:  Heh-heh-heh, got you!

Kelly:  Yes, you did, sir. [Muttering] Moron.  Okay, to recap, we tried to go with a quasi-denial, saying that although the President did not say those specific words, that "tough" language was used, but that did not go over very well.  This just led to more questions about exactly what that language was.  Then we tried floating the idea that the President actually said "shithouse countries," not "shithole countries..."

Trump:  Heh-heh, you said it!

Kelly:  [Deep breath] ... to give our friends who "couldn't remember" hearing that word some cover, but this did not go over much better.  Turns out that shithouse sounds as bad as shithole.

Miller:  How about shiplap?

Kelly:  What's that?

Miller:  Shiplap.  You know, exposed rough-sawn boarding.  Don't you ever watch home improvement shows?  It's shiplap this and shiplap that.  It's supposed to give a room a certain rustic look.

Kelly:  Okay, how does that help us here?

Miller:  What if we say that the President called the nations of Africa "shiplap countries?"  That might mean he seems them as solidly built while still authentic.

Kelly:  Hey, that's not bad.  And since the President has a background in construction, he would know all about shipflap, not like those city liberals who couldn't tell ...

Miller:  Shiplap, no "f."  Ship-lap.

Kelly:  Whatever.  Mr. President, have you ever heard of ship... ship-lap?

Trump:  Heh-heh, you said it again!

Kelly:  Don't worry, we'll work on it.  Get Sanders in here!

Oh Thank Heaven ...

January 10, 2018

Somewhere near you, USA

- Sir, I am afraid you cannot come in.  This 7-11 will be closed until we're through.

- What is this, some kind of raid?

- I'm afraid I cannot comment on that.  Well, you look okay --- I guess you could call it a raid.

- Wow, so they finally sent someone out.  I don't believe it!

- Sir?

- I've been complaining about this place for years.  I assumed that no one cared.  But you're here!

- In that case, sir, would you mind answering a few questions.

- Sure, anything to help.

- Okay.  So what can you tell us about Jamma Barre?

- Who? 

- Jamma Barre.  He works here.  (Shows a picture.)

- Oh, Jimbo!  Sure.  He told me I could never pronounce his name correctly so I call him Jimbo.

- Know him well?

- Pretty well, I guess.  We talk 3 or 4 times a week.

- Do you know how long Mr. Barre has been in the country?

- You got me there.  I know it's been a couple of years since he got his citizenship.

- Excuse me, did you say citizenship?

- That's right.

- He's a United States citizen?

- Yep.

- Are you sure?

- I wasn't there, but he showed me pictures of the swearing in.

- Okay, let's forget about Mr. Barre.  How about Syed Jinnah?

- Can't help you there.

- This guy.  (Shows a picture.)

- Oh, you mean Sid.  Helluva a guy. 

- Well, do you have any reason to consider Mr. Jinnah, I mean "Sid," a threat to our country?

- Sid?  Of course, not, but then again, he is a Yankee fan, he-he-he.  

- So Mr. Jinnah is a baseball fan?

- Not just baseball, any sport, it's all he talks about.  Say, how come all these questions about the workers?  When are we going to talk about the egg roll?

- The egg roll?

- That's right, the egg roll.  The egg roll that was so old and crusty that it pulled out my crown!  

- The egg roll?

- Come on, I sent in a picture of my tooth stuck in the egg roll.  You must have seen it.  I don't blame Jimbo and Sid, I'm sure it's the higher ups who won't let them throw out the food, but I thought you guys could do something.

- Egg roll?  No, I'm sorry, sir, we can't help you with that.  You'll need to move along now.

- Wait, aren't you from the Health Department?

- No, sir, and you'll need to move along.

- Well, then who are you?

- Immigration, sir.  Again, I need to ask you to ... (turns) Fred!! Don't eat that!!!

Other Revelations from the Wolff Book

While press coverage of Michael Wolff's behind-the-scenes account of the Trump White House has focused primarily on Steve Bannon's stunning characterization of a meeting between the Trump campaign and a Russian government-connected attorney as "treasonous" and on Bannon's other indelicate remarks about the Trump family, other revelations from the book about the President are sure to raise eyebrows:

Phone Envy - "Everyone thinks we had to ban phones in the White House to prevent leaks, but actually it was because whenever the President saw someone else with their phone he would throw a tantrum because he was sure it was better than his."

He thinks Tiffany is the Smart One - "God knows we have had a lot of turnover here, and we've had to learn how to deal with it.  For example, we learned that when we suggest names for some new position we needed to include a brief on why his daughter Tiffany would not make a strong candidate.  We've learned further that rather than focus on her lack of training and experience the explanation should stress how she would find the position boring." 

His Greatest Ambition is to get Joe Namath's Autograph - "He's a New Yorker, I get it.  1968.  The Guarantee.  But he's just obsessed.  One day he went on and on about how he'd love Joe Namath's autograph, so Jared says, 'you're the President, why don't you just invite him to the White House?'  Suddenly, he gets all flustered -- he turns even more orange, starts fidgeting with his collar, and mutters nervously, 'Just invite him?  I'm sure he's busy, even wanted to come.  Do you think he wants to come?'"

Briefs - "As in Depends." 

Is in Negotiations for a Cabinet-version of "The Apprentice" - "Why do you think he picked Ben Carson and Betsy DeVos?  Competence?  He just thinks it would be great TV to see them team up for some new wacky assignment every week."

Blames Putin for being elected - "You should hear him sometimes, 'Everything was falling into place.  I'd get O'Reilly's slot to say whatever I want, get paid a fortune, and only have to work an hour a day.  But those stupid Russians wouldn't given up.  I told them, just make it close!'"