Marjorie Taylor Greene, Author

Palm Springs, Florida
December 16, 2023

Trump: Enjoying yourself?
MTG: Like always!!!  Thanks again for finding us a room for the weekend.
Trump: I’m always happy to show my appreciation for your loyalty.
MTG: You can count on that, Mr. Trump, or should I say, President Trump.
Trump: I was just wondering if you might be more comfortable in the library, Marjorie … or should I say, Professor?
MTG: [Putting hand to mouth] Oh my God, did I eat too much shrimp?  The sign says “All You Can Eat”!
Trump: [Chuckling]  Don’t worry about that.  When you pay $79.95 for a brunch buffet I’m not going to count the shrimp.  The thing is, I was talking to Sean last night …
MTG: [Yells] Hannity is the man! Woo!
Trump: [Smiling] That he is.  But as I was saying, Sean tells me that you read a book.
MTG: What?  No!!  I think you heard him wrong.
Trump: Now, Marjorie, don’t get sore, I won’t tell anyone that you’re one of those poindexters who reads books.
MTG: Seriously. I think what he told you was that I wrote a book, not read a book.  I wrote a book.
Trump: Forget the shrimp, now I’m starting to wonder how many mimosas you’ve put away.  You wrote a book?
MTG: Yup.
Trump: But to write a book, didn’t you have to read a whole lot of books?
MTG: [Snorts] Um, how many books did you read before you ‘wrote’ The Art of the Deal?
Trump: Oh yeah, good point.  
MTG: By the way, I’ve got a whole box of them in the the trunk of my car.  Maybe I could sign a copy for the library here?
Trump: That would be great.  Maybe my son, um …. wait …. don’t tell me …. um ….
MTG: Barron.
Trump: Why can’t I remember that?  Well, maybe Barron could write a book report on it for school.  At least, I think he’s still in school.
MTG: And sir, these run for $29.95, so I was wondering if when you calculate our bill you could … 
Trump: No can do, Marjorie.  You know I’d like to, but I bet if I gave you a break on your bill then Sleepy Joe would have some new prosecutor breathing down my neck.
MTG: Really?  I thought we made up all that stuff about …
Trump: [Sternly] I said, no can do.
MTG: [Dejectedly] Okay, I’ll go get the book. [Walks away]
Trump: [To passing attendant] Hey, pal.  Show my guest to the library when she gets back, she’s going to leave us a gift.
Porter: I’m sorry, sir, did you say the library?  
Trump: Yeah, where we keep all the books and stuff.  Don’t tell me we don’t have a library?
Porter: Sir, I thought you would remember when we were trying to find a place to store all your ….
Trump: [Panicked] Shut up about the … [whispering] boxes. [Looks around nervously]
[MTG returns with book]
Trump: You know, Marjorie, I think I am just going to give the book to 'Barron' -- if that's his real name -- as a Christmas gift. 
MTG: That would be an honor, sir.
Trump: So I guess that means I should pay you for it, but [pretends to pat jacket pockets] I don’t seem to have my wallet on me so I’ll have to get you later.
MTG: Sir, you didn’t try your pants pockets.
Trump: [Sternly] I said, I’ll have to get you later.  Now enjoy the shrimp.

The Trump Legal Team

 

Mar-A-Lago, Florida
September 1, 2023

[Two men in suits enter a banquet room where dozens are seated at tables]
Attorney 1: Ladies and, um, I guess there are only gentlemen here.  I hope you enjoyed the buffet, but now it’s time to get to business.  Thank you for coming in on short notice, but as you know, our client has a trial – actually, a series of trials – coming up, which means we need to settle on a winning defense strategy now.  Unfortunately, because several members of Mr. Trump’s legal team have decided to leave his employ and several others are, um, facing indictment or disbarment, we have had to assemble this group on the fly, but I’m sure if we put our heads together, we can make this happen.
Attorney 2: Given that Mr. Trump is facing several different charges on several different fronts …
Voice from the room: They won’t leave the poor man alone!
Attorney 2: … be that as it may, I thought it best if we tackle each case differently.  So then, let’s look at the Federal charges.  First, we have the documents case.  As I am sure you all know, these charges are being brought under the …
Voice from the room: It’s a crock.  It’s all because of that drug-addict maniac Smith guy got orders from Sleepy Joe Biden to ….
[Laughter and shouts of agreement.]
Attorney 1: Hold on there, sir.  I think it best if we try to keep our discussion limited to the legal dimensions.  Whatever our opinions might be of Mr. Smith, we need to fashion a strategy that addresses the [clears throat] quite impressive arguments and evidence in the indictment.  So, I think we might begin by looking at …
Voice from the room:  But it’s all lies!  Those are personal papers.  Those corrupt Bidens just know that President Trump will beat them – again – in 2024.
[Loud shouts of agreement.]
Attorney 1:  As I said, our discussion here should focus on the letter of the law.  Now during discovery we are hoping to see if …
Voice from the room: Discovery?  As soon as we “discover” the addresses of a couple of jurors we’ll have nothing to worry about.
[Cheering and chanting from the room]
Attorney 2: That would be highly illegal Mr. …, I’m afraid I don’t recognize you, sir.
Attendee: Peter Holland, at President Trump’s service.
Attorney 2: And what firm are you with, Mr. Holland?
Attendee: Holland’s Pool Patrol.
Attorney 1: I’m sorry, did you say Holland’s Pool Patrol?  You mean you are not an attorney?
Attendee:  Well, not in the way that, well, no.  But when I met President Trump Junior …
Attorney 2:  Do you mean Mr. Trump’s son?
Attendee: Yessiree. Well, I met him when I was cleaning his pool and we got to talking about how those woke Washington swamp rats keep going after President Trump and he said, ‘Pete, you’re just the kind of guy my father needs on his defense team.’  Next thing I know, I got an invitation to this meeting.
Attorney 1: Thank you, we appreciate your devotion to Mr. Trump, but, unfortunately, given the legal complexities, we only need input from those who actually understand legal complexities.
Attendee: But ….
Attorney 1: Sit, please.  Now then, given the, um, [shakes head] very impressive arguments and evidence in the indictment, I wonder if we should pursue some kind of settlement.  What if we were to offer …
Voice from the room: Would you mind standin’ up?
Attorney 1: Excuse me?
Attendee 2: You heard me.  I said, would you mind standin’ up?  I see the jacket and tie, but I was wondering if you’re wearing a tutu because only some little girl would suggest giving up instead of fighting this bullshit charge like a man!
[Boisterous yells from the room]
Attorney 1: [nervously] I see, and you would be …
Attendee 2: K.P. Darnell.  Patriot.  Ready for action – not all this squawking.
Attorney 1: Mr. Darnell – let me say that’s quite a belt buckle – are you an attorney, by chance?
Attendee 2: Are you kidding? How can a hard-working white guy like me get into elite law school with all those woke quotas and tests?  [Nods of agreement throughout room.]  I won this trip for contributing 6 months in a row to President Trump’s Defense Fund.  That’s what I told the guy out front and he showed me in here.
Attorney 2: Okay, show of hands: is anyone here an attorney?  Anyone?  Or paralegal?  Or watched a lot of Law and Order?
[Nervous looks – no one raises their hand]
Attorney 2: In that case, if you gentlemen would excuse my colleague and me, you can get back to the buffet.  Oh look, more shrimp.
[Attorneys leave room while all others rush to the buffet table]
Attorney 1: We knew this wouldn’t be easy.  Say, just how did you end up as a counsel to Mr. Trump?
Attorney 2: My our managing partner is an old friend of Trump.  We drew straws and guess who lost. You?
Attorney 1: I was afraid you might recognize me.  Season 5?
Attorney 2: The Apprentice!  I thought you looked familiar.  I didn’t know that you were a lawyer.
Attorney 1: I wasn’t, then.  After I won the contest, in addition to signing an NDA they made me take this lifetime loyalty oath. 
Attorney 2: Seriously?!
Attorney 1: Yep.  Even had to get down on my knees.  I thought it was just for show but then I got a call a couple of months ago from the big guy himself that started “I hear you finished Yale Law.  I need you fast.”
Attorney 2: Wow, that’s a great story.  Tell me, have you been …
Attorney 1: Paid?  No.  Funny how everyone around here gets tight-lipped when I ask about my fee.
Attorney 2: It would take a pretty big check to make this worth it.  We told our kids, 2 and 5, that Daddy stole a lot of money so now he’s hiding.  Somehow that sounded better than, you know, this.
Together: I need a drink.

Trump's New Man in Moscow

Mar-a-Lago, Fl – Moscow, Russia

June 24, 2023 – 5:00 pm US EDT

Putin: Donald, I’m a little busy, what do you need?

Trump: [Breezily] Me? I don’t need a thing.

Putin: Then why are you calling?

Trump: [Nonchalant] Oh, just to say goodbye.

Putin: You sound strange, Donald.  Are you going somewhere?

Trump: Me?  I’m not going anywhere – at least not until my next court date.  But this might be our last conversation so I just wanted to say goodbye.

Putin: Well, okay then, I am sorry that you are not going to try to stick to the plan to the end.

Trump: [Snapping] Don’t try to play me, Vlad – and by the way, I still think it’s so cool that you let me call you Vlad.  I heard that you’re on your way out.  Was that part of your little “plan” I’ve heard so much about?  As soon as I get this Wagner guy’s number, I’ll let him know he's got a friend in Donald J. Trump.

Putin: Who?

Trump: [Mockingly] Who? Don’t play dumb, Vlad.  I know that this guy Wagner is leading his army to Moscow to throw you out, so I guess he’s the guy I need to be dealing with.

Putin: First of all, Donald, I think the guy you have in mind is Yevgenii Prigozhin.  He just called his little army the Vag-ner Group because he’s an opera nut.  Second, if you followed the news you’d know that …

Trump: [Interrupting] Hold on, Vlad. [Turns around putting hands over phone] Did you get the guy’s number, Junior?

Trump Jr: [Whispering] Not yet, Dad.

Trump: Well, check Vagner – I think we’ve been spelling it wrong.  [Back on line] You still there, Vlad.  I know you think you’re so smart but you just gave me a great tip. [Banging on door in the background] What the …

Putin: What’s going on there, Donald?  The FBI again?

Voices in background: [Screaming] Wait!  Stop!

Trump: Sorry, Vlad.  I might have to deal with this.  It’s been fun.  But once this Wagner, sorry, Vagner, gets things moving, maybe you can stay at my hotel in Moscow -- if you can afford it. 

[Hangs up]

Mar-a-Lago

Aide: [Catching breath] Sir, you didn’t say all those things did you?

Trump: Yeah, and did you hear that "if you can afford it"?  What a burn! 

Trump Jr: Good one, Dad.

Aide: [Shouting] What?  Everything has changed!  You’ve got to turn on the news because ….

Trump: You deal with this, Junior.  I’ve got a tee time.

Moscow

Aide: So, do we block his calls from now on?

Putin: No, this will be good.

Trump Still Needs A Lawyer

Palm Beach, FL
June 17, 2023

“The dozens of attorneys who have defended Trump since 2016”
Washington Post, June 17, 2023

DT: Damn it!  Another one hung up on me!
ET: Dad, I don't think you're going to find another attorney this way.
DT: What do mean, Eric?  I’m Donald Trump, I’m sure there are plenty of lawyers out there who would dream of having me as a client.  Dial the next one.
ET: Dad, the last one had a greeting that started “Unless you’re former President Donald Trump, please hold for the next available operator.”
DT: What?!  I’ll sue them.  That’s gotta be a violation of my 3rd Amendment Rights!
ET: Really?!
DT: Yeah, a lot of people think there are just two, but Rudy told me about this one.
ET: And why can’t Uncle Rudy handle this one again?
DT: I told you [mimes drinking from a bottle].
ET: Oh yeah.  But listen, Dad, I’ve got an idea.
DT: I’m all ears.
ET: Let me represent you!
DT: What?  You’re not a lawyer.  Wait, are you?  Sorry, it’s hard for me to keep track of all of the cards I had my secretary send.
ET: Good call, Dad, I’m not, but I don’t have to be!
DT: Are you sure about this?
ET: Yeah, I saw it in a movie once.  I’m pretty sure it was even on CourtTV, so it must be real.
DT: I don’t know.  Between you and me, this actually kind of serious.  I should probably have a lawyer who knows their way around the court room.
ET: Like Sydney Powell?
DT: Okay, you got me on that one, but still, do you know how to handle yourself at a trial? 
ET: Just like you taught us, Dad, it’s all about attitude.  Picture this:  the judge says “You’re out of order,” then I stand up and say “No, you’re out of order!”  And if I’m ever really lost, I’ll just walk over by the jury and say, “Excuse me, but could you explain that to all of us non-lawyers!”  
DT: Heh-heh-heh.  I’d love to see that.  That stupid judge wouldn’t know what to say.
ET: See.  Come on, Dad.  Let me do it.  I’ve always wanted to make it up to you for when I blabbed about all the Russian money.
DT: I forgave you for that a long time ago, son, but …
ET: [Interrupts excitedly] So does that mean that …
DT: … but I’m afraid the damage can’t be undone. The will stays the same.
ET: [Dejected] Okay.