Friday, October 21, 2022
Sunday, August 14, 2022
More Mar-A-Lago Revelations
August 14, 2022
In response to the shocking news about the FBI search warrant for illegally stored documents at Mar-A-Lago, former President Trump’s son Eric speculated that seized documents contained nothing out of the ordinary, “"You'd have, you know, newspaper articles, pictures, notes from us…. “ AW News has since obtained the following family notes seized from the Trump vault.
January 7, 1994
Dear Dad,
Thanks for the beautiful check! It is really cool! And $50 – almost as much as you gave Ivanka! Only my name is Eric with a c, not a k. Will the bank still take it?
Love,
Eric
February 8, 1995
Father,
If your idiot wife calls me Ivana one more time I am going to hit her. Don’t be late again for our dinner on Friday – the caterer gets mad.
XOXO
Pumpkin
May 1, 1996
Dear Dad,
The people at Harvard tell me that the need at least a $25 million to accept me. That shouldn’t be a problem, right?
Junior, i.e., Donald Junior -- your oldest son
August 6, 2002
Dear Dad,
My sister was really mean to me again in the elevator today. What’s a bastard?
Love you,
Tiff
August 9, 2002
Father,
Tell my half-sister to talk to my people if she needs anything.
XOXO
Pumpkin
November 20, 2004
Hi Dad,
We were all wondering if we could look at your prenup before you marry that model lady. Okay, it’s really Ivanka but she’s afraid to ask. Think we could have a looksie? Maybe at Thanksgiving dinner. I’m invited, right?
Eric (with a c)
January 10, 2005
Dad,
I had a great time at the wedding. Does “mom” have a hot sister?
Junior
September 20, 2005
Father,
I warned you to include a ‘no-child’ clause this time. This one better not be coming out of my share.
XOXO
Pumpkin
July 15, 2016
Dear Dad,
Who’s this Penny guy? I thought I would be your vice president. Could you make me an ambassador or something?
Donald Trump, Jr., your oldest son and the main beneficiary of your will – right?
May 8, 2017
Dear Dad,
Sorry I blabbed about how much Russian money we take in. Do you think that will be a problem?
Eric/Erik
March 22, 2019
Dear Dad,
It turns out the bank will not take a check made out to ‘Melania’s kid.’ Think I could have another? It’s B-a-r-r-o-n.
Love,
Barron, i.e., Melania's kid
Saturday, April 2, 2022
Trump-Putin: The Lost Translator's Notes (Vol. 8)
Moscow-Palm Beach
April 2, 2022
Putin: Donald?
Trump: Vlad? Long
time no hear. How are you?
Putin: What is it, Donald?
Trump: Still all business. Well Vlad – and by the way, I still think it’s
so cool that I get to call you Vlad – I’ve got the answer to all your problems.
Putin: [Silence]
Trump: Vlad, you there?
Putin: [Impatiently] I’m waiting to hear what you think
is the answer to all my problems. What
is it?
Trump: Truth Social.
Putin: What?
Trump: Truth Social.
I heard how you got knocked off Twitter, just like me. I’m sure it’s just killing you. Well, you might have heard that I came up with
a replacement that’s way better. We’ve
already twice as many users.
Putin: Donald, do you know what my biggest problem is right
now? I found out that the head of my
intelligence service is more incompetent than your idiot son.
Trump: Which one?
Putin: Junior.
Trump: Ouch.
Putin: That’s right.
And you think I’m worried about Twitter?
Trump: Well, I just thought that …
Putin: And if I was, do you think I would use your new
platform? One of my aides tried to sign
up and he’s still waiting for confirmation 2 months
later.
Trump: Yeah, I heard there were some problems, but I’ve
got Junior, I mean Eric, working on it.
Putin: Donald, I wasn’t “knocked off Twitter,” I blocked
Twitter.
Trump: Really, don’t you think some fiery tweets would
help you out with your war in …, um …
Putin: [Interrupting] “Special Operation,” Donald, not a
war. And do you even know where it is?
Trump: Sure, it’s in … um … wait, don’t tell me.
Putin: I’ll give you a hint -- you were impeached for
trying to bribe their President.
Trump: Oh yeah, the little Jewish guy. Nah, it couldn’t be Israel. Siberia?
Putin: Goodbye, Donald. [Dial tone]
Trump: Vlad, are you there? He hung up.
I didn’t even get to tell him that Melania sends her best.
Junior: What did Uncle Vlad say, Dad? Am I going to be heading up our Truth Social
office in Russia?
Trump: Yeah, about that he doesn’t think it’s a good idea
with the whole war thing right now.
Junior: What war?
Trump: The war in … um , I don’t know, why don’t you ask
your brother?
Junior: I’m not sure where Eric is.
Trump: How about the other one, um … aw geez.
Junior: You mean Barron?
Trump: Why can't I remember his name. Yeah, him, he’s always got his nose in his
phone. Maybe he saw something about a war.
Friday, February 11, 2022
Marjorie Taylor Greene Gets A History Lesson
Palm Springs, Florida
February 10, 2022
Trump: Now Marjorie, you’re going to just have to let this pass.
MTG: But I’m just so mad at the lame lib media people who think they’re so smart.
Trump: Preaching to the choir. Take away their fancy education and “fact-checkers” and “ethics” and who are they?
MTG: Yeah, stupid libs! They’re always trying to make me look dumb.
Trump: [Chuckling] Well, Marjorie, that was a real humdinger. I mean mixing up Gestapo and gazpacho. That’s worse than when I said that Frederick Douglas was alive, or when I said that George Washington had an air force, or when …
MTG: [Interrupting] Or when you said people could inject bleach.
Trump: [Angry] Okay! Stupid libs. The point is, we all make mistakes. Then we just deny we ever said it and move on.
MTG: But I’m not wrong. I know the German secret police were the Gestapo, but what about the Italians?
Trump: The Italians?
MTG: That’s right, everybody forgets about the Italians. They were friends with the Germans but they had their own police called the Gazpacho.
Trump: Did you read this somewhere?
MTG: [Chuckling] As if. This guy who used to come to our gym told me, and he was like super smart.
Trump: I hate to tell you this, dear, but this “smart guy” gave you some fake news. The Italian secret police were called the mafia, or the "Costa Rica." But don’t let Rudy hear you talking about them or it will set him off.
MTG: [Dejected] Could be. And the guy had a great truck, too. Stupid libs.
Barron: [Enters] Dad, mom told me to tell you and the crazy lady that lunch is ready. [Exits]
Trump: [Embarrassed] Heh … crazy lady … um … cute kid, right?
MTG: You mean Barron?
Trump: Barron? Why can’t I ever remember his name? Stupid libs!
Thursday, February 3, 2022
Trump Royale
Palm Beach, FL
February 3, 2022
Trump: Melania, break out the good towels because royalty will be visiting soon!
Melania: Here, at Mar-a-Lago! Oh boy, oh boy! I can’t wait. I can finally arrange a nice dinner without all those snooty Washington reporters around.
Trump: Actually, not here, but Trump Plaza in New York.
Melania: Who is it?
Trump: Liz’s son.
Melania: Who’s Liz?
Trump: Queen Elizabeth of England. Remember? She said I could call her Liz.
Melania: I don’t remember that.
Trump: [Angrily] She said I could call her Liz. Anyway, her son is coming and will be staying at Trump Plaza.
Melania: Prince Charles?
Trump: No, not Charles, another one. Here’s his note: “Dear Donald, During your visit to Buckingham Palace you mentioned that I must stay at Trump Plaza if I am ever in the States. As you may have heard, I am in a bit of a spot. I was hoping that I could impose on your hospitality while I am in New York for that unpleasant business. I would be forever in your debt. Andrew Windsor.”
Melania: That doesn't sound like something you would say. And I don't like the sound of that "unpleasant business."
Trump: We’re not all models you know. For a lot of us business doesn’t mean lying around a pool all day. He probably has to sign a treaty or something with some shithole country at the UN.
Melania: Maybe you’re right. So he will be staying in New York.
Trump: He’ll be in the presidential suite.
Melania: That’s like a whole floor! Can he afford it?
Trump: Don’t bother your pretty little brain of yours with finances. His mother’s the richest broad in the world. If he can’t pay, she can. And didn’t you hear that part about “I would be forever in your debt?” Maybe she can just deed me all that land in Scotland so I don’t have to fight with some town council every time we need to change a faucet at our club. Come on, why can’t you get excited about this? I haven’t told you the best part.
Melania: Okay – what’s the best part?
Trump: While he’s there, I was thinking that President and Mrs. Trump travel up to New York to throw a little gala in Prince Andrew’s honor in New York? I can already see the pictures in the Times. This is just the kind of publicity the Trump brand needs right now.
Melania: [Perking up] I can finally wear that tiara that your friend the Saudi prince gave to me.
Trump: And Duke can wear that little suit you had made up for him with all the gold buttons?
Melania: [Angrily] Who?
Trump: [Pauses] Duke, no wait, Earl…I mean …um…um…um…
Melania: Barron! Our son’s name is Barron why can’t you remember that?
Trump: Okay, Barron. Don’t get sore. Just think: while Biden’s got his stomach all knotted up worrying about Ukraine and that Korean nut job, the press will have all these pictures of me smiling with Prince Andrew. Who’s going to look like the world leader then? I can hardly wait.
Ivanka: [Walking in] Can hardly wait for what?
Trump: Oh, hi kitten. Guess what, we are going to be throwing a royal ball in New York.
Ivanka: Oh goody. Is Queen Elizabeth coming?
Trump: Almost as good. Her son?
Ivanka: Prince Charles?
Trump: No.
Ivanka: William?
Trump: No. Which one was it again? [Reads note again] Andrew.
Ivanka: Andrew?! I don't think he's even a real prince any more.
Trump: No, kitten, you’re probably thinking about Diana’s kid, the one with the “exotic” wife.
Ivanka: [Pauses to think] Yeah, you might be right.
[All three walk out, trailed by two secret service agents]
Agent 1: [Whispering] Did the queen really say he could call her Liz?
Agent 2: What do you think?
Tuesday, January 25, 2022
The Trump Succession
Palm Beach, Florida
January 24, 2022
RNC Official: President Trump, we at the RNC were so heartened to hear of your intention not to pursue re-election in 2024. It’s a wise and magnanimous decision.
Trump: Magnani-what?
RNC Official: Moving right along, now that you have decided not to run, we think it would be beneficial if you were to get behind one of the many fine candidates out there ready to carry on the Trump legacy. For example, right here in Florida, Governor …
Trump: That's a no brainer. Ivanka!
RNC Official: I’m sorry, sir. I assume you mean your daughter, Mrs. Kushner. I agree 100% that she would make an awesome president, but, well, now that everyone knows your daughter tried to get you to stop the efforts to … um … intervene in the election certification on January 6, she might not appeal to the more … um … patriotic wing of the party.
Trump: That’s too bad, she’s such a bright kid.
RNC Official: So if Mrs. Kushner is ruled out, might I suggest that Senator Haw….
Trump: Then Junior.
RNC Official: Sir?
Trump: Don Junior. Frankly, I don’t think he’s got as big brain like his sister, but he is a chip off the old block. Just don’t tell him I wanted his sister first. He gets real sore about that.
RNC Official: Sir, the thing is, there seems to be a high probability that he is going to be indicted for tax fraud in New York.
Trump: What? You mean that partisan witchhunt?
RNC Official: Sir, I wrote those press releases. In fact, the evidence is pretty compelling.
Trump: Eric?
RNC Official: The same thing. But there are many fine candidates out there, President Trump. Have you noticed how Minority Leader Mc….
Trump: Then I guess it will have to be Melania’s kid.
RNC Official: Barron?
Trump: Yeah. Why can’t I ever remember his name?
RNC Official: What about Tiffany? [Under his breath] God, what am I saying?
Trump: Tiffany?
RNC Official: Your daughter, sir. Since you were going through your children, I noticed that you passed over your daughter Tiffany?
Trump: Are you sure she’s my daughter?
RNC Official: She was the issue of your marriage to the second Mrs. Trump.
Trump: Hard pass. I guess that leaves, um, um, why can’t I remember his name?
RNC Official: Don’t you think that Barron would be a little young to run for president?
Trump: I’m not sure, it’s been a while since I’ve seen him.
RNC Official: He sat next to you at dinner last night.
Trump: That was Barron?! I though he won a contest or something. I guess he’s a nice kid but he is kind of young. Do I have any other children?
RNC Official: Not officially, sir. But as I have been trying to impress upon you, there are many fine ….
Trump: I really like Jared, but blood is blood. And his blood is, well, you know. So I guess I have no choice but to run again. [Stands up]
RNC Official: But sir, won’t you even look at this list of …
Trump: [Walking away] I have a tee time. Lunch is on you, by the way -- and refills aren't free.
[Dials phone]
Voice: Well, who’s it going to be?
RNC Official: This is going to take longer than we thought.
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