Trump: Why Isn't the CIA Protecting My Hotels?

Washington, DC

January 31, 2019

An anonymous White House official provided some context to President Trump’s shocking tweets attacking the heads of U.S. intelligence agencies as “naïve and passive.”

- He thinks we should be protecting his hotels.

- What?  Does he really think the U.S. government should be using security resources for his company’s hotels around the world?

- And condominiums.  And don’t forget the golf courses – he’s especially concerned about the golf courses.

- This sounds shameless -- even for him.  How did he even come up with this idea?

- Actually, this was Eric’s idea.  During the transition he saw how all security arrangements basically shutdown 7^th Avenue in New York.  So he said to his dad, ‘I know this is a nightmare for Manhattan, but wouldn’t it be great if we could get the government to protect our properties in … in … you know, one of those countries I can’t pronounce.’

-  So how were they going to pull this off?

-  [Takes a deep breath] Okay, they were going to have someone call to report that Al-Qaeda was planning an attack on one of their properties.  Then do the same for other properties.  Then keep doing it.  Eventually, the President would declare that protecting Trump properties around the world was a matter of strategic importance that would require installing high grade surveillance, deploying troops for security, and altering our nuclear doctrine.

-  Nuclear?!

-  That was until it was explained to him that “nuclear umbrella” is a figure of speech.

-  How is the plan going?

-  Not well.  They tried calling the CIA.

-  And?

-  It got off to a bad start when the agent asked how they got the direct number to the CIA.  Then he pointed out that Al-Qaeda generally doesn’t call to warn about attacks, and that the CIA does not believe there are active Al-Qaeda cells in Scotland, and that he is not sure what ‘blow a golf course to smithereens’ means.  He was starting to laugh when Eric finally hung up.

-  Eric called himself?

-  He said it been a long time since he prank-called anyone.

-  How did the President take it?

-  Did you read the tweets?

Trump: Let's Wall Off The Whole Country

Outside the Oval Office

January 28, 2019

Aide 1:  [Closing door behind him]  Get Mr. Mulvaney, quick!

Aide 2:  What is it?

Aide 1:  He has a new idea.

Aide 2:  What is it?

Aide 1:  The wall.

Aide 2:  Has he given up on the idea?

Aide 1:  If only.  He wants a bigger wall.

Aide 2:  What?

Aide 1:  That’s right.  Someone convinced him that there was so little support for the wall during the shutdown because it would only affect the Southern border.  He thinks the rest of the country felt neglected. 

Aide 2:  So what’s his plan now?

Aide 1:  He wants us to draw up plans for a wall on the Canadian border, for starters, followed by walls along the Eastern and Western coasts.

Aide 2:  That’s crazy.  Doesn’t he realize …

Aide 1:  Let me stop you there.

Aide 2:  Right.  Let me try to find Mr. Mulvaney.

Putin: How is Roger?

January 25, 2019

VP:        I really enjoy these chats, Donald.  They help me stay – how do you Americans say again? – centered.  That’s it.

DT:        Thanks, Vlad.  You know, I still think it’s so cool you let me call you Vlad.  I think Americans would like you a lot more if they knew how well you spoke English.

VP:        Let’s keep that our little secret.  Before I go, Donald, how is Roger these days?  I have not heard from him in some time.

DT:        [Nervous laughter]  Roger?

VP:        Yes, Donald, Roger.  Roger Stone.  We had such fun working together on the campaign.  The stories that man could tell!  He always made me laugh.

DT:        Listen, Vlad, I have some bad news.  Roger was arrested today.

VP:        Arrested?  What country was he visiting?  I’ll have my …

DT:        No, he was home.  In Florida.

VP:        Home?  How did you let this happen, Donald?

DT:        [Nervous laughter]  We’ve talked about this before, Vlad, I can’t just … um …

VP:        Can’t just what, Donald?  You shut down your government over some stupid wall!  Are you going to tell me you can’t tell some prosecutor to mind his own business? 

DT:        Don’t worry, Roger has a real good lawyer, so I’m sure …

VP:        Lawyers!  I see I will have to take care of this.  Roger is my friend.  And friends take care of each other, right, Donald? 

DT:        [Panicked] Listen, when you say “take care of” you don’t mean … well, you know?

VP:        [Silence]

DT:        Vlad?  Are you still there?  Vlad, listen, you can’t mean …

VP:        Shh, Donald, the less you know the better.  Let’s just say I’ll have to find Roger a better “lawyer.”

DT:        [Nervous laughter]  Okay, until next week.  Melania sends her best.

VP:        I know that, Donald.

Trump Keeping Venezuelan Option Open

January 23, 2019

Aide:      Mr. President, I have important news!

Trump:  That’s good, find Mulvaney, or Jared, or …

Aide:      Mr. President, this is important.  Put down the remote!

Trump:  [Turning off television with annoyance] This better be good.  They’re about to spin the wheel to see who …

Aide:      Mr. President, there have been major developments in Venezuela.

Trump:  Venezuela?  Which one is that again?

Aide:      South America, sir.  The economy is in shambles and a left-wing regime has been clinging to power.

Trump:  Do I have any buildings there?

Aide:      No, sir! [takes deep breath] That’s not the point.  There has been a standoff since the last election.  The socialist president claimed victory but the opposition claimed widespread fraud.  The US has been encouraging the opposition to press its claims to restoring democracy.

Trump:  This is getting boring.

Aide:      Sir, today, the opposition leader declared that President Maduro is not the legitimate president.

Trump:  Great, an opening!

Aide:      Sir?

Trump:  Look, the whole “immigration crisis” is a disaster.  We all know that as soon as Mueller starts filing paperwork I’m out of here.  I might like being President of Venezuela.

Aide:      But, sir, no one has asked you to …

Trump:  Tell Pompeo that we recognize this opposition guy as interim President until I can get this all figured out.  I might need to call Vlad.

Aide:      Sir, really, none of the sides wants ...
Trump:    [On phone]  Melania!  Pack your bags.  Guess where we're moving?

Giuliani: 'I Never Went to Law School'

Washington, DC
January 22, 2019

After retracting controversial statements on the existence of collusion between the Trump campaign and the Russian government as well as the timing of efforts by the Trump Organization to develop a project in Moscow, Rudy Giuliani made yet another stunning revelation.

“Actually, I never went to law school.  I know that you come to ask me all these questions because I have this fancy title of ‘President’s personal attorney,’ but my staff researched the records and found out that I never went to law school.  So you need to take anything I see about the President’s legal problems with a huge grain of salt.”

“This is incredible, Mr. Giuliani.  After all, you came into public prominence as the US Attorney for the Southern District of New York.  And you built on that recognition to win two terms as Mayor of New York City.  Given that you never went to law school, doesn’t this mean that your entire public life has been a fraud?”

“Um …. Well … I’ll have to get back to you on that.”

Trump to Try Again for North Korean Asylum

In light of the gathering storm clouds in Washington President Donald Trump has decided to take another stab at securing political asylum in North Korea.

“I would be kidding you if I didn’t realize the moment that I was elected that I might need a ‘soft landing spot.’  Jared was supposed to grease the skids in Saudi Arabia but that crazy MBS screwed that up.”

Surprisingly, Trump warmed to the idea of North Korea as new home.

“To tell you the truth, Kim Jong Un reminds a little bit of a young, Asian Donald Trump.  He’s brash, he’s got a hot first wife, a little bit of a gut, crazy hair – what’s not to like.  I think we'll get along fine.”

Somehow, Trump has not found the prospect of moving to the grim territory sometimes known as the “Hermit Kingdom” to be daunting.

“From what I hear, there’s a great workforce, but the place just needs a little pizzaz.  That’s where I come in.”

Stunned by his recent failure to gain asylum in Iraq during a flash visit in November, Trump realizes that the pressure is on to ‘seal the deal’ with Kim.

“Hey, Mueller could come knocking on the door any day.  I tried to drop a few hints during our last meeting, so this time I need to turn on the charm.”

Trump does have some misgivings, however.

“I still haven’t figured out how to break the news to Melania.”

Trump: Who is Mike Cohen?

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW

Washington, DC

January 18, 2019

Giuliani:  Mr. President, it’s really important for us to get ahead of the latest news.

Trump:  You mean how I left Pelosi holding her purse at the airport? He-he-he.

Giuliani:  No, sir, the stories about Cohen.

Trump:  Cohen?

Giuliani: Yes, sir.  All the media is reporting that Michael Cohen claims you instructed him to lie to Congress about his work on the Moscow project.

Trump:  But I don’t have a building in Moscow.

Giuliani:  Yes, sir, we all know that.  But we also know you were actively trying to get approval for a project right up until your election.  Now, the stories all say that Cohen …

Trump:  Who?

Giuliani:  Cohen.  Michael Cohen, your former attorney.

Trump:  I don’t know any Michael Cohen.

Giuliani:  Very amusing, sir.  Now, we can paint this as lies from a disgruntled former employee, an admitted liar, the whole shebang, but it’s important for me as your counsel to know exactly what you told him.  Don’t worry, anything you tell me stays between us.  So did you encourage him to lie?

Trump:  Michael Cohen?  I was the head of big company with a lot of employees.  Maybe some guy named Michael Cohen, or Mike Cohen, worked for me, but I don’t remember everyone’s name.

Giuliani: [Exasperated] Okay, maybe this will refresh your memory.  Michael Cohen set up that meeting where Donald Junior met …

Trump:  Donald Junior?  Who is ...

Giuliani:  Sir!

Putin-Trump: The Lost Translator's Notes (Vol. 2)

Helsinki, Finland

July 16, 2018

VP:  Donald, about the wall you are planning to build.

DT:  [Laughs nervously]

VP:  Yes, Donald.  I have a company that you should consider hiring.

DT:  [More nervous laughter] Actually, Vlad ….

VP:  Donald, I understand.  You need to know what kind of work they will do.  Don’t worry, it’s the same company that just built the bridge to Crimea.

DT:  Well, in that case, I don’t think we can use them.  We probably can’t work with them because I’m guessing this company would be under sanctions.  That Congress!  [More nervous laughter]

VP:  Have no worries, Donald, their paperwork will be clean.  Now, who should we talk to in the Mexican government about setting up a contract.

DT:  The Mexican government?

VP:  Yes, the Mexican government.  Mexico will be paying for the wall, right?

DT:  [More nervous laughter]  You see, Vlad, Mexico never agreed to this.  I kind of made that up to make it sound better.

VP:  [Thinks for a moment]  This is good.  You can pay more.

DT:  Huh?

VP:  Mexico is a poor country.  You are a rich country.  I’ll tell Arkady to come up with some new …

DT:  [Pulling at collar]  Vlad …

VP:  … we had been thinking $25 billion, but now …

DT:  Vlad!

VP:  What Donald?

DT:  Here’s the thing, Vlad.  There won’t be a wall. 

VP:  I do not understand, Donald.

DT:  I never had any intention of building the wall.  This was just something that came to me once at a rally.  The crowd went crazy, so I just kept repeating it.  I didn’t think anyone took it seriously. 

VP:  [Stares with head on hands]

DT:  So you see, I won’t be able to hire your company to …

VP:  But there will be a wall.

DT:  Vlad?  Didn’t you just hear me?  This was just a cockamamie idea.

VP:  Donald, I have already promised Arkady.  I am a man of my word.  When we entered into our … ‘agreement’ … I thought you were also a man of your word.  If you want to back out now then I will have to …

DT:  No! Okay, I’ll think of something.

VP:  Very good, Donald.  There will be a wall.  Let me know when Arkady should start submitting plans.

DT:  [More nervous laughter]

Putin-Trump: The Lost Translator's Notes (Vol. 1)

Helsinki, Finland

July 16, 2018

VP:  Donald, let’s say you get the go-ahead for your building in Moscow …

DT:  It’s my dream, Vlad.

VP:  [Annoyed]  I was saying, let’s say you get the go-ahead for your building in Moscow, what – how do you say? – amenities, would my apartment have?

DT:  All the details are right here. [Hands Putin a folder]

VP:  [Scanning documents]  Let me see: 24-hour concierge, private elevator, cathedral ceilings, stainless steel appliances.  This all looks very nice.  Let’s see what else [Turning page].

DT:  [Lunges to block view] Oh, that’s nothing important.

VP:  [Removing Trump’s hands]  What is this, Donald?  $4,000 monthly fee.  What fee?  I thought this apartment was a sign of your respect.

DT: [laughing nervously]  Well, Vlad.  That’s the way it works in condominiums.  All these ‘amenities’ cost a lot of rubles. 

VP:  You will have to waive the fee.  I cannot afford $4,000 a month.  Do you know how much I make?

DT:  But don’t you have a friend who could, well, you know?
VP:  Donald, are you suggesting I abuse my position as President of the Russian Federation for personal gain?  Maybe your media would be interested in knowing …

DT:  Calm down.  Okay, I’ll waive the fee.

VP:  That’s better.  Please prepare new documents.

DT:  That could take a while.  Cohen, drew these up for me.

VP:  Cohen?  Who is Cohen?  Is he someone we can trust?

DT:  Say, Vlad, that’s a beautiful tie!

Trumps Planning Revival of 'Doomsday Preppers'

The reality show market got a shot in the arm recently with the news that the Trump Group intends to revive the famed NatGeo series “Doomsday Preppers.”  “Preppers,” which ran for 3 seasons, featured a different family of freaks, paranoids, or vagabonds every week, who detailed their elaborate plans for surviving and thriving in a post-apocalyptic world.  Some stockpiled prodigious amounts of bio-materials they claimed to be edible, while others amassed enough weapons to fight off a small army, but they all shared a belief that it was a matter of when, not if, we all will live a Mad Max-type existence.

Fortunately, presidential sons Donald (Jr.) and Eric Trump sat down with us at Entertainment Tonight to discuss their plans.

ET:  Gentlemen, thank you for taking the time to discuss this exciting project.  This is quite a departure from the Trump Group’s exclusive focus on luxury developments.  Why this shift, and why revive “Doomsday Preppers” now?

Donald:  It’s our pleasure to be here.  I hope I don’t get my father into any trouble, because he’s not supposed to be involved in the day-to-day operations of the company, but the inspiration came from him.  For some reason [chuckles] he just goes on and on any more about how “it’s all going to be over soon, so we need to start planning.”

ET:  That’s amazing to hear.  Most of the people featured in the original series were already clinging to the fringes of society.  It was understandable to think that they might be contemplating a world of turmoil and chaos.  What does your father see as so threatening?

Eric:  Mueller.

Donald:  Military contingencies! I’m sure Eric meant to say, all the potential military scenarios that my father has become aware of as president, any one of which could threaten civilization as we know it.

ET:  Okay, military contingencies, I can see how that would be disturbing, but most of original “Preppers” barely had two nickels to their name, which might explain why none could afford to live within hundreds of miles of an urban settlement.  Doesn’t your father have sufficient resources to navigate any crisis?

Donald:  Of course, my father is a brilliant businessman who has built a billion dollar empire on his own.  It’s just that not all our assets are … um …

Eric:  Legal

Donald:  Liquid!  Again, I think Eric misspoke, and intended to say that not all our resources are liquid.  So, in the event of a crisis, it might take some time to put together the money to, say, charter a private plane.

ET:  Clearly, the Trumps are in a different economic world from the original “Preppers.”  Can we expect more stories on eating rodents or building a home from cardboard?

Donald:  No, we will have a new dimension.  I think you can expect more material on hiring attorneys, acquiring foreign passports, and adjusting to life in a Gulf emirate.

Eric:  And don’t forget [Donald Jr. puts his hands over Eric’s mouth}

Donald:  I get the feeling that Eric was getting ready to “misspeak” again, so keep an eye out for “Doomsday Preppers:  the White House Chronicles.” 

ET:  When can we look forward to the first episodes?

Donald: [Still struggling to stifle his brother]  Actually, the timing doesn’t really depend on us.

Breaking News: The Wall was Barron's Idea

While President Trump and his aides have focused on national security and crime issues to justify their controversial plan to build a thousand-mile wall along the US-Mexico border, an anonymous White House aide suggests that a more prosaic concern might be at the root of the President’s obsession with this project.

“It was Barron’s idea, okay?  Please tell me you’re not taping this.”

“But this is unbelievable.”

“Believe it.  One time young Barron heard his father grumbling about all the illegal immigrants in the country and said, ‘you know, Dad, it would be really neat if we built a great big wall to keep them all out.’”

“And that was it?”

“No, Mr. Trump told him, ‘son, we just can’t build a wall around the country,’ which prompted Mrs. Trump to ask, ‘Vy not, Donald?’”

“So he just wants to make his son happy?”

“More like his wife.  Have you seen Mrs. Trump? [Makes hourglass figure with crude whistle]  Well, she let Mr. Trump that there would be no more [Repeats gesture and whistle] until the wall was built.  Now the President feels like he only has a couple of more years of [makes mock pelvic thrusts with another crude whistle] left in him, so he really wants to get this done.  And fast.  This is why the talks with Speaker Pelosi have been really awkward – he doesn’t think she gets it.”

Putin: We Must Insist on a Wall

Overheard in the Kremlin

Trump:  Vlad?  Vlad?  Are you there?

Putin:  Yes, Donald.

Trump:  I still think it’s so cool you let me call you ‘Vlad.’

Putin:  I know, Donald [wincing].  You tell me that every time we talk.  So how are things?

Trump:  Not good, Vlad.  Remember how you told me that the Democrats would cave in over the wall?

Putin:  Of course, Donald.  I remember everything.

Trump:  Well, they haven’t.  I even threatened to declare a national emergency last week last week and everyone laughed at me.

Putin:  Yes, Donald.  That was ill-advised.  I wish you had asked me about that first.

Trump:  I know, Vlad, but I didn’t want to bother you again.  As long as we’re talking now, don’t you think we can back down from the wall.  It would sure help me out if we could get the government working again.

Putin:  No, Donald.  I am afraid we must insist on a wall, like we discussed.

Trump: But, Vlad …

Putin:  Donald, listen to me.  You must have faith.  Remember back in 2016 when you were sure you were going to lose by a lot?  What happened then?

Trump:  You’re right.  But just so we’re clear, when this is all done I get to build my hotel in Moscow, right?

Putin:  Of course, Donald.

Trump:  Right next to that funny looking church?

Putin: [Laughter in background]  Just like I said, Donald.

Trump:  Thanks, Vlad.  I guess I just needed a little chat with an old friend.  Good bye.

Putin:  Bye, Donald. [puts down receiver]

Aide:  Well  Vladimir Vladimirovich, how does he sound?

Putin:  He’s wavering.  Get me Koch on the phone.

An Unofficial National Emergency

The White House

January 11, 2019

- Do you see how all those libs are foaming at the mouth whether I will declare a national emergency?  I told you this would work!

- Well played, sir.

- Now, we have to keep up the pressure.

- What do you mean?

- Don’t you get it?  I said there is a national emergency, so we have to do something.  Otherwise, tomorrow the headlines are going to be ‘Mueller this’ and ‘Mueller that’ all over again.  So let’s make it official.

- Again, sir.  I don’t follow.  Wasn’t your statement enough?

- I don’t know.  Maybe we need to mobilize … um … um … what’s the name of that group?  You made me go to their headquarters – the one over a McDonalds.

- Do you mean FEMA?

- Huh?

- The Federal Emergency Management Agency.

- Yeah, that’s the one.  Let’s get them rolling.  I want to see trucks rolling, people in uniforms running around, the whole works – we need good footage for Fox to run.  In fact, maybe I should …

- Sorry to interrupt, sir, we can’t do that.

- What do you mean we can’t do that?  I’m in charge here, so if I tell FEMA to jump, they jump!
- Sir, we can’t do that because FEMA has been furloughed.  I thought you knew that.
- Oh, crap.  What do I need to do, declare war?  Or did we furlough the army, too?

Another Kelly Revelation: The Tan Suit

-        "General Kelly, looking back over your tenure as White House Chief of Staff, can’t you think of one instance when you were able to temper President Trump’s mercurial nature?  I see you’re smiling, so there must be something."

-        "Well, there was this one time.  It’s hardly worth mentioning, but …"

-        "Please, I think we would all like to know."

-        "Okay, there was this one evening in August 2017, not long after I came on board, when the President tells me, “Just so you know, tomorrow I am going to wear a tan suit.”  I felt an immediate wave of panic.  I mean, can you imagine Donald Trump (holding hands to midriff) in a tan suit?  Our world standing was already falling after Helsinki, so I knew I had to do something."

-        "That would be a shocking sartorial choice for a man who wears the dark blue power suit like a uniform.  Why the change?"

-        "Apparently his son had gotten him a violet paisley tie for Father’s Day and kept asking why he never wore it.  He just thought it would go better with a tan suit."

-        "So how did you persuade him not to wear the tan suit?

-        "At first, I asked him to imagine addressing a rally of his cores supporters in a tan suit.  What would they think?"

-        "And that didn't do the trick?"

-        "No.  But then I remembered that if there’s one thing he hates more than paying taxes its unfavorable comparisons to his predecessor, so I reminded him that Obama had also gone with a tan suit once.  I think even he realized that there was no way he could pull it off as well."

-        "So he relented."

-        "Never heard another word about it."

-        "You must have been proud."

-        "You know, I wish I could have convinced him to go easy on his praise of Vladimir Putin, stop calling the German Chancellor “that old dude,” or fire his idiot son-in-law, but a win’s a win."

How about a Wall at Mar-a-Lago?

Washington, DC

January 4, 2019 (Day 14 of the Shutdown)

Hints from White House aides have raised hopes that an end to the partial government shutdown may near:

“You can expect to see the President offer a compromise in the next negotiating session with the Congressional leadership.”

“Is he still demanding the wall?”

“Not the wall, but a wall.”

“What do you mean?”

“Instead of a border wall that would extend for hundreds of miles and cost tens of billions of dollars, the President will settle for a sound wall at Mar-a-Lago along Saturn Boulevard.  Well, a sound barrier really, but it helps if you let him call it a wall.”

“Is this really that important to him?”

“Are you kidding?  Last month he was playing a round with Senator Graham – and let’s say there was a friendly wager riding on whether the President could make a 12-foot putt on the 3^rd green.  Right as he struck the ball, some passing motorist yelled “Trump sucks!” and, well …”

“He missed the putt?”

“Sadly, but Senator Graham was gracious enough to allow a do-over – (covering his mouth) and gracious enough not to notice that the President’s do-over putt was from 5 feet.”

“So how much will this sound barrier cost?”

“Sound wall, remember to call it a wall.  And we will be asking for $2 million.”

“I know that’s a stepdown from $5 billion, but it still sounds like a lot for a sound barrier.”

“Wall!  How many times do I …. Sorry, we know it’s a lot, but we promised that we would bring in NASA engineers and use the latest materials to insure that the wall is sound-proof.”

“Thank you.  I’m sure my readers will be very excited to hear about this sound b…. ‘wall’.”

Trump Willing to Discuss a Buyout

Breaking the Deadlock?

Breaking the Deadlock?

The White House

January 12, 2019 (Day 22 of the Government Shutdown)

Trump:  Come on in.  Mulvaney isn’t around to discuss this, so maybe you just take some notes and pass them along.

Aide:  Yes, sir.

Trump:  I’ve come to a big decision.  I’m ready to walk away from all this, as long as we can come up with a figure.

Aide:  Understood.  This is probably for the best, sir.

Trump:  Yeah, me too.  Now should we approach about this?

Aide:  I assume the congressional leadership.  Who else would it be, sir?

Trump:  Oh no, Pelosi?  Having to deal with her is one of the reasons I’m doing this.  But if I have to, I’ll give her a call.  But I need to have my numbers straight.  I was thinking of asking for $50 million, but I’d probably settle for $25 million.  Think she’ll go for that?

Aide:  Are you kidding, sir?  I’m sure as soon as Speaker Pelosi learns that you are ready to back down from that $5 billion for the Wall the government up and running in no time.

Trump:  $5 billlion?  Wall?  Government?  You’re not getting in it.  I’m talking about my buyout.  That’s the way it’s always worked.  When I stop making money from some deal, or when it just starts to become a pain in the keester, I take off, but not before I secure some big buyout, for, you know, compensation.

Aide:  But, sir, you have already been compensated.  You receive a salary.

Trump:  A few hundred K a year? That barely covers Earl’s allowance.

Aide:  Earl, sir?

Trump:  My son.

Aide:  You mean Barron?

Trump:  [Thinks for a second] Yeah, that's him.  Sweet kid.  Melania’s.

Aide:  And besides that, sir.  I’m not sure the congressional leadership, the Supreme Court, or anyone, sees being President of the United States as a “deal,” but as a constitutional responsibility.  The only way you could leave office would be to resign, with no buyout, or if you were to be imp—

Trump:  Shut up!  I know.  Giulliani has been over that.  Dammit, why did Cohen turn out to be a rat.  He always handled these things.

Aide:  So, sir, should I …?

Trump: Forget it.  If I’m not getting a buyout I’d might as well go on being President.  And by the way, you seem to know a lot about the constitution.  What kind of a lawyer are you?

Aide:  Lawyer, sir?  Actually, until last week I was parking cars, but then I won a contest run by our local Fox News station where the grand prize was a job at the White House.

Trump:  What?

Aide:  That’s right, sir.  According to the lady who filled out my paperwork, they’re having trouble finding people who want to work here.