Trump: Why Isn't the CIA Protecting My Hotels?

Washington, DC

January 31, 2019

An anonymous White House official provided some context to President Trump’s shocking tweets attacking the heads of U.S. intelligence agencies as “naïve and passive.”

- He thinks we should be protecting his hotels.

- What?  Does he really think the U.S. government should be using security resources for his company’s hotels around the world?

- And condominiums.  And don’t forget the golf courses – he’s especially concerned about the golf courses.

- This sounds shameless -- even for him.  How did he even come up with this idea?

- Actually, this was Eric’s idea.  During the transition he saw how all security arrangements basically shutdown 7^th Avenue in New York.  So he said to his dad, ‘I know this is a nightmare for Manhattan, but wouldn’t it be great if we could get the government to protect our properties in … in … you know, one of those countries I can’t pronounce.’

-  So how were they going to pull this off?

-  [Takes a deep breath] Okay, they were going to have someone call to report that Al-Qaeda was planning an attack on one of their properties.  Then do the same for other properties.  Then keep doing it.  Eventually, the President would declare that protecting Trump properties around the world was a matter of strategic importance that would require installing high grade surveillance, deploying troops for security, and altering our nuclear doctrine.

-  Nuclear?!

-  That was until it was explained to him that “nuclear umbrella” is a figure of speech.

-  How is the plan going?

-  Not well.  They tried calling the CIA.

-  And?

-  It got off to a bad start when the agent asked how they got the direct number to the CIA.  Then he pointed out that Al-Qaeda generally doesn’t call to warn about attacks, and that the CIA does not believe there are active Al-Qaeda cells in Scotland, and that he is not sure what ‘blow a golf course to smithereens’ means.  He was starting to laugh when Eric finally hung up.

-  Eric called himself?

-  He said it been a long time since he prank-called anyone.

-  How did the President take it?

-  Did you read the tweets?