Trump Finds an Ally on Border Policy

Oval Office

November 26, 2018

Aide:  And one more thing, Mr. President.

Trump:  (Visibly annoyed)  Okay, but make it quick, Jared is on his way with my Big Mac!

Aide:  Yes sir.  I am afraid it is disturbing news about a US citizen who was killed abroad.

Trump:  (Perks up)  Where?  Mexico?  Iran?  Some other shithole country?

Aide:  No sir.  The young man, John Chau, was attempting to enter North Sentinal Island illegally but unfortunately was killed on the beach  by ... ?

Trump:  (Interrupting)  So no visa?  No papers?  And they just killed him?

Aide:  That's about it.  Now, something we need to keep in mind ...

Trump:  (Invigorated)  Get me the ambassador on the phone, right now.

Aide:  Sir?

Trump:  Come one, snap snap.  I want to talk to our ambassador to North ... Central? ... Seagull?  What was the name of this place again?

Aide: North Sentinel Island.  And we don't have a diplomatic presence there sir, in fact ...

Trump:  Really?  Okay, can you get me the president on the line?  I want to congratulate him.

Aide:  President, sir?

Trump:  President, king, grand poobah, whatever it is they have on that North ... North ... you know what I'm talking about.

Aide:  As I've been trying to explain, sir, this is a small island that technically belongs to India, but is inhabited by a small indigenous tribe that has had almost no outside contact with the world.  Mr. Chau should have realized that they would ...

Trump:  These are my kind of people!  They defend their borders.  We've got to run with this -- let those liberal mambie-pambies know we're not the only ones ready to fight off invaders.

Aide:  Sir, you must realize that it is hard to draw a parallel between a primitive  tribe of a 100 people and the richest, most powerful country on the planet?

Trump:  (walking away from desk)  I think I just heard Jared walk in.  Tell Pompeo I want to go to this North ... um ... well, you know, and soon.  (Slams door.)

Venezuelan Delegation Visits Governor-Elect Kemp

November 7, 2018

Venezuelan official: We are here on behalf of el Presidente.  He has this problem, and for some reason, he thinks you can help him.

Kemp: Well heck, fellas, from what I hear your Presidente might be a little 'loco' (twirls index finger around ear), but I sure would like to help our neighbors.  What's his problem?

Venezuelan official: He has an election coming up.

Kemp: And?

Venezuelan official: He's not very popular.  No, it's more than that.  Everyone hates him -- his own mother hates him.  She said ...

Kemp: Okay, I get the picture, but I'm still not sure I understand the problem.

Venezuelan official: Don't you see?  How is he going to win the election if everyone hates him?

Kemp: How did he get elected in the first place?

Venezuelan official: It wasn't easy.  First, we had some people in all the polling stations who pointed out the people who voted for our opponent so the police could beat them up.  Then, when our opponents realized what was happening and started to protest, we had the army on the streets to protect the "sanctity of the election." (All chuckle.)  We only had to shoot a few people, then they all ran away.

Kemp: Badass! I like it.  So why can't you do it again?

Venezuelan official: We're not sure we have enough gas to move our troops.  And we're running out of bullets!

Kemp: I hear you.  Maybe you should just try what I did.  Do you know the places where your opponents live?

Venezuelan official: Yes.

Kemp: Okay, listen to this, just tell people who show up to vote in those places that their names aren't on the lists of eligible voters.

Venezuelan official: Oh no.  These are all Venezuelan citizens.  They all have the right to vote.

Kemp: But ... for some reason or another -- and you'll have to think of something good -- you had to cross their names of the list.

Venezuelan official: You mean, just lie to them?

Kemp: You can look at it that way, but it makes for better optics than gunning them down in the street.

Venezuelan official: Well, okay.  Thank you for the time, but I 'm not sure el Presidente will like this.  The right to vote is sacred to him.