Trump Never Saw The "Nuclear Football"

 

Washington, DC – September 21, 2021

Reporter: I was just reading in the new Bob Woodward book about how General Milley took extraordinary measures to keep President Trump from starting an international conflict.  I still can’t believe it.
NSC Aide: [Nonchalant] Yeah, I saw that.
Reporter: Aren’t you surprised?
NSC Aide Not really.
Reporter: Do you mean you knew about this?
NSC Aide: Not that, but I knew we did a pretty good job of keeping him under control.
Reporter: What else did you guys do?
NSC Aide: [Looks over shoulder] Okay, this is off the record, I mean way off the record.  Got it?
Reporter: Okay.
NSC Aide You know about the “nuclear football,” right?
Reporter: You mean the device with the controls to authorize a nuclear strike?  I’ve heard about it, but never seen it.
NSC Aide: Actually, the same goes for President Trump.
Reporter: What do you mean?  He was President of the United States.  It was by his side at all times.
NSC Aide: Nope.  We decided right away there was no way we were going to let this guy near the nuclear controls.  So we had to run a little ruse.
Reporter: Didn’t he want to see it?
NSC Aide: Are you kidding?  January 20, 2017, that was his first question after he took the oath: where’s the nuclear football?
Reporter: What did you show him?
NSC Aide: What do you think?  [Winks and strikes a ‘Heisman’ pose]
Reporter: No, not a real football?!
NSC Aide: A real football, signed by Roger Goodell.
Reporter: And he fell for it?
NSC Aide: Hook, line, and sinker.  He thought it was the neatest thing he ever saw.  Every time we got in the limousine it was, “I wanna see the football.”  He liked to play catch with it on Air Force One.
Reporter: And he never figured it out?
NSC Aide: He did get a little worried every time he dropped it or spilled Diet Coke on it, but we would just tell him “there’s a safeguard for that, sir,” and he’d go on playing.
Reporter: Where was the real device.
NSC Aide: We kept it with President Obama’s security detail, just in case.

Susan Collins Reflects

 Washington, DC – September 2, 2021

Sen. Susan Collins (R-ME), who was considered an important swing vote in the 2019 confirmation hearings for Brett Kavanaugh, claimed that during a private lunch meeting, Kavanaugh assured her that he considered Roe v. Wade to be established law.  Nonetheless, Kavanaugh voted with the conservative majority to clear the way for the oppressive Texas "heartbeat law" to be enacted.  This turn of events has caused Collins to reflect on that lunch meeting and consider if Kavanaugh may have misled her about anything else.

Her Eyes

"When we sat down he told me I the biggest brown eyes he’s ever seen.  I have had a lot of compliments about my eyes over the years, but still, the biggest he’s ever seen?"

The Forgotten Credit Card

"And I wonder if it was true when he said that he forgot his credit card and asked me to pick up the bill.  I laughed it off, but I was a little miffed at the time because I had the fruit salad with cottage cheese while he an open-faced steak sandwich and four non-alcoholic beers."

Non-Alcoholic Beer?

"Wait a second, I remember now that he winked at the waiter every time he said ‘non-alcoholic.’  He seemed like a regular – the waiter even called him B-Dog.  You know, it might have been between the third and fourth beer that I brought up Roe vs. Wade.  I should have realized that ‘Don’t sweat it, Suze’ wasn't a serious response to such an important judicial question. Wow, he even offered to drive me back to my office afterward."

"Oh well.  I guess I got played.  Not much I can do about now.  Anyway, it’s not like I’m going to be pregnant any time soon."

Trump: You mean the Taliban are the Bad Guys?

Palm Beach – Black Sea
August 17, 2021
 
Trump:  Vlad? Is that you? 
Putin:  [Annoyed] Yes, Donald.  This really isn’t a good time.
Trump: I know.  That’s what all your aides said.  But listen, Vlad – and once again, I want you to know how cool it is that you let me call you Vlad – the thing is, this is really important.
Putin:  Okay, Donald, what is it?
Trump:  Well, I’ve been watching all the Fox News coverage about the Taliban taking over and they keep saying it’s some kind of disaster.
Putin:  So?
Trump:  Well, when we found out that you guys were funneling money to the Taliban, you told me I shouldn’t worry about it.
Putin:  We appreciated your understanding.
Trump:  And then you talked me into convincing Pakistan to release all those Taliban leaders.
Putin:  You did very well, Donald.
Trump:  [Nervously] The thing is … I mean … aren't the Taliban the bad guys?
Putin:  Good.  Bad.  Only someone very naïve thinks in those terms, Donald, and we are not naïve, are we?
Trump:  No … I guess … but the thing is, when I make my comeback, isn’t everyone going to remember how much I helped the Taliban?
Putin:  Donald, do people remember that you had sex with a porn star?
Trump:  Only Melania [weak laugh] – who sends her best, as always.
Putin:  I know.  Tell me, Donald, do people remember that charming imitation you did of that nasty, disabled reporter?
Trump:  He is nasty, that guy.
Putin:  So why are you worried about this?  It’s all part of the plan.
Trump:  You might be right.  But can you explain why the Taliban coming to power helps us, or this plan?
Putin:  Donald, you would have to be stupid not to understand.  Are you stupid, Donald?
[Silence]
Putin:  While you’re thinking about that Donald I need to pick out drapes for the palace.  Good-bye.
[Dial tone]
Trump:  No!  No, I’m not stupid!  Vlad, are you still there?  I thought you were kidding!  [Turns to Don Jr.] Now he’s never going to take my calls.

The Anti-COVID Liberation Front Covers Its Tracks

Somewhere in Middle America, a group of heroes convened behind a crowded tavern to continue their struggle to save America from Tyranny

Joe:  Ed, where’s your mask?
Ed:  I thought we weren’t supposed to wear masks because COVID was a hoax?
Joe:  How many times do we have to go through this – we aren’t wearing masks to protect ourselves from that hoax virus.  We need to hide our faces because we shouldn’t be seen together, ever since well …  Now do you have a mask or not?
Dave:  I have an extra [pulls a package of 20 surgical masks from pocket]
Ed:  Thanks
Joe:  Hey, what do you need all those masks for?
Dave:  Well, the CDC recommends that you wear a mask if you are going to be in a crowd, even if you’ve been vaccin… [Notices stares] I should probably stop talking now.
Joe:  Wait, you took the Fauci shot?
Dave:  No, Johnson and Johnson.  I wanted the one I could pronounce.
Joe:  Why do you think we all went to Washington to keep President Trump in office?  So we would line up like sheep for some shot of God knows what?
Ed:  I thought we went because those God-less socialists were trying to steal the election.
Woody:  I thought we went to keep our guns.
Joe:  Yeah,  all that stuff.  But I still can’t believe you got one of those stupid shots.  They probably put a tiny little microphone in your arm.  I’ll bet Nancy Pelosi is listening to us right now.
Dave:  I don’t think they have microphones that small, Joe, and if they did, I doubt Nancy Pelosi would be listening to us.
Joe:  It was just a figure of speech, Ed, and ….
Ed:  [Interrupting} What about Pfizer, Dave?
Dave:  What?
Ed:  [Nervously]  What about the Pfizer vaccine?  Do you think they have microphones in them?
Joe:  Wait, you too, Ed?  Has anyone else here got a vaccine?  [Everyone tries to avoid eye contact]
Joe:  Oh, geez, and here I thought we were all fighting for the same thing on January 6.
Dave:  I told you then it was a bad idea, Joe.
Joe:  Our president needed patriots like us.  And we wouldn’t have to be hiding in the alley if someone didn’t post pictures of us online.  [All look at Ed]
Ed:  I’m sorry.  I posted them to a private group.  I didn’t think anyone else could see them.
Joe:  [Mockingly] “I didn’t think anyone else could see them.”  How come I keep see them popping up every other day?  Just how many pictures did you take?
Ed:  Twelve.   I have twelve photos of us in the Capital from when we went to Washington as kids.  I was trying to get photos in all the same spots.
Dave:  Wow, that’s kind of neat.  Did your dad take the photos back then?
Ed:  No, some policeman took them.  [Alarmed] Oh no, do you think that could be the guy Joe threw the flag pole at?
Joe:  Shhhh …  How many times do I have to tell you to stop talking about that?  That’s why I wanted us to get together – to remind you that we can’t be blabbing those details.  You never know when Big Brother is going to be listening.  [Hears snickering]  And what’s so funny, Dave?
Dave:  Sorry, Joe, it’s just that you said big brother, because the other day I was telling my big brother about how Woody couldn’t get the cap off his bear spray.  Remember?  [Struggles to open imaginary can]
[All laugh]
Woody:  Oh yeah, well how about when Phil tripped running up the stairs and fell into that Proud Boy’s butt.
[More laughter]
Joe:  [Screaming angrily] Shut it.  This is what I mean.  Do you want everyone to know we stormed the Capital on January 6? Unless you want the FBI knocking on the door you’d better stop …
[Voice from the bar]:  Would keep it down out there, Joe!  We can’t hear the game.
Dave:  Busted, Joe [All laugh]
Ed:  Joe, where are you going?
Woody:  Wow, I haven’t seen him run that fast since he realized Trump wasn’t on his way to the Capital.

Trump Needs His PIN Number

New York – Palm Beach
July 23, 2021
 
Trump: Allen, it’s me!
Weisselberg: Donald?  Why are you calling me?  My lawyers say I shouldn’t be talking to you.
Trump: Donald?  What happened to "Mr. Trump"?  Oh yeah, I almost forgot.  Well listen, what else are those lawyers of yours telling you, because … well … we never used to have any secrets, so …
Weisselberg: You know I can’t tell you that, Donald.  Why are you calling?
Trump: Okay, here’s the thing.  I was wondering if you know the PIN number for my ATM card.
Weisselberg: Your what?!
Trump: My PIN number.  It’s a 4-digit code that you need to …
Weisselberg: I know what a PIN number is, Donald.  I just can’t believe your calling me about that.
Trump: Hey, my pop always told me that you’re the “numbers man,” so I just figured that maybe you knew.
Weisselberg: I could tell you the salary of every employee at the Trump Organization, Donald.  I could tell you how much taxes the Trump Organization paid – and I just might share that information with a few new friends of mine – but I’m afraid I don’t know the PIN number for your ATM card.  Why do you even need that?
Trump: Heh, funny you should ask.  I guess not all my expenses get covered automatically.  If there wasn’t a restaurant at Mar-A-Lago I wouldn’t eat.
Weisselberg: What do you mean?
Trump: Crazy, right?  I have to pay for food.  So I just show up in the dining room every night, chat up the crowd until I find someone eating a steak that doesn’t look too raw, then I set down and start eating.
Weisselberg: You steal their food?
Trump: Hey, they get an autograph!   And if they treat me to cake afterwards I even let them take a picture.
Weisselberg: Sounds like you don’t need that ATM card.
Trump: It’s getting kind of old.  There are nights I have to hang around for hours before someone orders a steak that isn't bleeding.  A few weeks ago I even had to crash a wedding. 
Weisselberg: Like I told you, Donald, I don’t know your PIN number.  Maybe Junior knows it?
Trump: You think I’d trust him?  Besides, for some reason his phone never seems to be working when I call.
Weisselberg: How about Jared, couldn’t he lend you some cash?
Trump: Funny, it’s the same thing.  I don’t know why these kids can’t get phones that work.
Weisselberg: Yeah, funny.
Trump: Okay, Allen.  Listen, stay strong, if you know what I mean.
Weisselberg: Goodbye, Donald.
…
[Both hang up.  Weisselberg turns to man in dark suit sitting next to him wearing headphones]
Agent: So, do you know his PIN number?
Weisselberg: 1-2-3-4.  He insisted.
Agent: [Laughs]  Okay, that was entertaining. But if he calls again, try to get him to explain what “stay strong” means.
Weisselberg: Oh, he’ll call again.
Agent: How can you be so sure?
Weisselberg: Do you think he remembers Melania’s birthday?

Trump Preps Putin for Meeting with Biden

Geneva-Palm Beach
June 16, 2021

Trump:  Vlad, is that you?
Putin:  Yes, Donald, why are you calling?  I’m very busy now.  In fact, right now I am on my way to sit down and talk with …
Trump:  Joe Biden, I know.  Listen, Vlad – and I still think it’s really cool that you let me call you Vlad, because …
Putin:  [Angrily] I told you to stop calling me Vlad!  Call me President Putin or Vladimir Vladimirovich.
Trump:  Vuh… Vuh… What was that again?
Putin:  [Sighs] Okay, call me Vlad.
Trump:  Like I was saying, Vlad, I wouldn’t be calling if this wasn’t really important.
Putin:  What is it?
Trump:  I can help you to handle Biden at the meeting.  Now he’s probably got all these numbers and names and things memorized.  So here’s what you do – every time he tries to say something smart, talk over him.  If he wants to talk about Ukraine, just say “everyone knows your son is a crook.”  If he wants to talk about Africa or some other loser country, just say “I think you’re on drugs.”  Get it?  I don’t know if you saw our debates, but it worked like a charm for me.
Putin:  Oh, Donald, I missed some of what you were saying because I was looking over the menu for the reception – they have those little hamburgers you like.  But it sounds like you think I should be afraid that Biden has memorized some information.  Why is that, Donald?  Do you think that I don’t have any information memorized, like the name of that prostitute you hired at the Miss Universe contest, or the phone number that your Mr. Manafort passed along to …
Trump:  Okay, so you know things, too.  I just wanted to help, Vlad.  You always gave me such good advice, I thought I could return the favor.  You know, throw him off his game a little.
Putin:  Thank you, Donald, but I think I’ve got this.  
Trump:  Okay, Vlad, but can I ask you a question?
Putin:  Hurry, Donald, we don’t want Biden to fall asleep waiting for me.
[Both laugh]
Trump:  It’s just, well, don’t you think you could finally let me know what the plan is?  You told me everything is going great, but I’m sitting here in Florida and it seems like no one listens to me anymore.  My own son even walked out of the room this morning when I tried to tell him how the election was stolen.
Putin:  Junior?
Trump:  No.
Putin:  Eric?
Trump:  No, the other one, um, um, Melania’s kid.
Putin:  Barron.
Trump:  Barron!  I’ve got to write that down or something.
Putin:  All in good time, Donald.  I need to run. Just remember: we need you to try to stay out of the headlines. 
Trump:  Goodbye, Vlad, Melania sends her best!
…
Putin:  [To aides – after  3 minutes of uncontrollable laughter] You’re not going to believe this.

Ivanka Trump Tries to Crash G-7 Summit

 
London - G-7 Reception

June 10, 2021

Guard:  Ma’am, your identification?
Ivanka: That’s okay, I’m one of them.
Guard:  If you are a participant, then you were issued an identification badge.
Ivanka: You don’t understand, I’m a friend of Herr Merkel – Herr is for a woman, right?
Guard:  It doesn’t matter if you are a friend of Frau Merkel, what matters is that you have identification.  So if you could just show me your badge.
Ivanka: But I belong here!  Oh, there goes Justin Trudeau.  He’s the Canadian president, you know.  [Shouts and waves] Justin!  Justin!  Over here!  They won’t let me in!  [Trudeau keeps walking]  I guess he has a really important meeting, or else he would have come right over here to set me straight.
Guard:  Actually, it looks like Prime Minister Trudeau has an 'important meeting' with the buffet.  And do you see that plastic card hanging on his jacket.  That is Prime Minister Trudeau’s identification badge.  If you could just show me one of those I can let you in.
Ivanka: This is so insulting!  The Queen is going to be here soon.  When I get in there, you are going to be in big trouble.
Guard:  Unless I am mistaken, I detect an American accent.  Perhaps someone in the US delegation could assist you.  Would you like me to call …
Ivanka: No! 
Johnson: Ivanka!  What a surprise.
Guard:  Prime Minister Johnson, do you know this woman?
Johnson: I should say so.

Ivanka: Mr. Johnson, do you think you could talk to someone?  They won’t let me in.

Johnson: I see.  Well, no.  I’m afraid that it is of vital importance to my country that I get on President Biden’s good side, so … well … Cheerio!  My best to your father.

Ivanka:  Just wait until I talk to Putin!

Trump: I’ll have bigger crowds for my reinstatement than Obama!

June 5, 2021 - Palm Beach, Fl
 
-        Could you call Mr. or Mrs. Kushner?  Or maybe one of his sons, the ones he remembers?
-        They said we shouldn’t call unless it’s an emergency.  What’s up?
-        He has us trying to line up entertainment for his reinstatement in August.
-        But, but … where do I start?  First of all, he’s not going to be reinstated and … well, and nothing … he’s not going to be reinstated and that’s that.
-        He also seems to be confusing this with an inauguration.  He keeps saying something about how the cold weather kept people home the first time, but he’s going to have bigger crowds than Obama because it will be in August so we need to have top shelf entertainment.
-        How did this happen?
-        Mr. Giuliani called and told Mr. Trump how well the recounts are going.
-        Giuliani!  But I gave strict instructions that under no circumstances should we let President Trump talk with ….
-        It was Barron’s turn to watch him.  He got bored and left so he wasn’t there when Mr. Giuliani called.
-        Great.  Well, how’s it going?
-        How’s what going?
-        The entertainment?
-        So far the only commitments we have are from Scott Baio and a couple of retired NASCAR drivers.  I’m not quite sure what they would do.  He’s trying to reach someone named Wayne Newton.  Do you know who that is?  Mr. Trump says they’re old friends from when he was in the casino business.
-        Mr. Trump seems to have forgotten that he has no friends from when he was in the casino business.  Listen, just keep on humoring about lining up entertainment.  If anyone seems interested, have them call me so I can explain and ask them to keep quiet about it.

The Trumps Discover the Working Class

February 20, 2021

Eric:  Mr. Weinberg, we want to thank you for agreeing to speak at the CPAC convention.  When we saw your article ‘The Class Roots of the January 6 Events,’ we knew right away that you are our kind of people.
Weinberg: Thank you.  Actually, I am just thrilled that anyone even read it.
Donald Jr.:  Yes sir, it’s refreshing to see how we are not the only ones who recognize that the working class has been ignored in this country for too long.
Eric:  And not only that, but we also thought if we could add some more speakers who, like yourself, are … um … how should I put this, of the Hebrew persuasion.
Weinberg:  Hebrew?  Sorry, guys, I don’t know a word of Hebrew, just a few Yiddish words that I picked up from my father’s Lenny Bruce albums.
[Trumps look at each other in befuddlement]
Donald Jr.:  Okay.  The thing is, we just need a clear message in support of the working class.
Weinberg:  So what part of my article did you like best?  I’d just like to know what I should emphasize in my talk.
Eric:  Well, basically, you know, how the elite has ignored the working class, so sometimes the workers need to take action on their own.
Weinberg:  Amen to that.  But should I talk about how their real enemies are the bankers on Wall Street or on how workers should occupy vacant housing?
Donald Jr.:  [Nervously] Um, no actually, it would help if you talk about how Donald Trump is the real friend of the working class.
Weinberg:  Donald Trump?!  I wrote about how the lumpenproletariat has rallied around this false idol and how the conscious working class need to focus its energies on its real needs, like the confiscation of unearned wealth, the nationalization of the health care industry, and ... Wait a second -- Just what does CPAC stand for?  I thought it was Communist Party - Atlantic Coast.
Eric:  Whoa, I’m sorry to interrupt, Mr. Weinberg, but I just got a text saying the conference has been cancelled.  So, well, goodbye.
[Phone goes dead]
Donald Jr.:  Eric ….
Eric:  Don’t say it.  I know.  I should have read the article first.
Donald Jr.:  You’re damn right you should have read the article.  Do you realize what a disaster that would have been?
Eric:  But it was behind a pay wall.

Trump Looks For A Lawyer

Palm Beach -- ???
February 2, 2021
 
Call Center Rep:  “Lawyer Line, what is your legal problem?”
Melania:  Are you the lawyer people?
Call Center Rep:  Yes, ma’am.  That’s us.  So what is your legal problem?
Melania:  One minute, please.  [Offline]  Donald, it’s them.
Trump:  [Offline] Shhh – I told you – no real names.  [Takes receiver] Thank you, um, Miss Jones.  Hello, is this Hank Miller?
Call Center Rep: Good morning, sir, and who do I have the pleasure of speaking with?
Trump:  Um, John, John Barron.  Are you Hank Miller?
Call Center Rep: No, sir.
Trump:  Look.  I got the number from a billboard with a big picture of Hank Miller that said to call him if I need a lawyer fast, and boy, do I ever need a lawyer fast.  I have a trial this week and my lawyers dumped me.  Can you believe that?
Call Center Rep: Wow, it sounds like you called the right number.  Now, Mr. Barron, can you tell me a little bit about your situation?  Are you in jail now?
Trump:  Jail? No!  Listen, I need to speak with Hank Miller, so just get him on the phone.  Or I could drive over there if that would be more convenient.
Call Center Rep: Well, if you could just tell me your problem I will be sure to match with the perfect attorney.
Trump:  Hey, the sign said call “me” so I want to speak with Hank Miller.  What’s your name?
Call Center Rep: Um, you can call me Dave.
Trump:  Dave?  That’s a pretty funny accent you have for a “Dave”?
Call Center Rep: Yes, sir.  Now – again – if you could tell me about your problem.
Trump:  Well, this is a little embarrassing, but I have been impeached.
Call Center Rep: I’m sorry, can you spell that?
Trump:  Spell that?  Hey, what kind of a law firm is this?
Call Center Rep: You see, sir, most of our calls are for drunk driving, public intoxication, or violating a restraining order, so if you could just spell … how did you say that?
Trump:  I-M-P-E-A-C-H-M-E-N-T
Call Center Rep: And what city do you live in?
Trump:  Palm Springs, Florida.  Wait a minute!  Where are you?
Call Center Rep: I am sorry that I am unable to give you that information.  But I am looking, Mr. Barron, and I am afraid I do not see any attorneys in your area that handle, um, um, this problem.
Trump:  But the sign said any legal problem. 
Call Center Rep: [Sees supervisor signalling to speed up call] Thank you for calling the Lawyer Line, sir.  Please call us back if you get arrested for drunk driving.  And good luck with your imbea…, impar…,  good luck, sir.
[Hangs up phone]
Trump:  Hey, hey!  That little !@#$% hung up on me!
Melania:  That’s the fifth one and I’m late for my massage.  What now?
Trump:  Just dial the next one.  Meanwhile I'll see if Eric found any more numbers.

Trump-Putin: The Lost Translator's Notes (Vol. 7)

 Palm Beach-Moscow

January 31, 2021

Trump:  Vlad?  Are you there?
Putin:  Yes.  Listen, Donald, how did you get this number?
Trump:  It wasn’t easy – and by the way, I just want to say again how cool it is that you let me call you Vlad.
Putin:  Actually, Donald, maybe it would be more appropriate if you started to address me as Vladimir Vladimirovich. 
Trump:  [Haltingly] Well, um, I guess I could try to call you, um, how’s that again?
Putin:  It’s all coming back to me.  Maybe we’d better stick to Vlad – for now. What is it, Donald?  How are you enjoying your retirement? 
Trump:  [Nervously] Retirement, heh-heh.  Good one, Vlad.
Putin:  No.  Seriously.  I heard that you are retired now. 
Trump:  Come on, Vlad.  I mean, I’m sorry -- again -- how I let you down in the election, but I wouldn’t say I’m retired.  I was just calling to see when would be a good time for Don Jr. to fly to Moscow. 
Putin:  Your son wants to see Moscow?  I don’t know, Donald, maybe you haven’t heard that the stupid Chinese virus is still hitting us pretty hard.  Maybe Don Jr. could come next year?  He could bring the kids.    
Trump:  No, this isn’t a pleasure trip.  Don’t tell me you forgot how you told me once I was out of office that you would give the green light for a Trump hotel the heart of Moscow.  You promised me a view of the Kremlin from the top twenty floors.  I thought it would be a good idea for Jr. to lay some of the groundwork with your people.   
Putin:  Actually, Donald, are you sure you have the financing for a new hotel in Moscow?
Trump:  Well, Vlad, I was hoping that you might be able to ….
Putin:  Sorry, Donald.  Have you heard about this Navalny fellow?  It’s like he has a video camera in my credit card.  So I’m afraid my people won’t be able to help you. 
Trump:  Ah, jeez.  I was really counting on that.  But, hey, I’ve never had a problem coming up with money.  So, should I tell Jr that … 
Putin:  Not so fast, Donald.  What about that $238 million note from DeutscheBank due in April?  And I hear your DC hotel lost $17.3 million last year?  And aren’t memberships at Mar-A-Lago ….
Trump:  Hey, how do you know so much about my finances?  If I didn’t know better I’d think you had a bug in my accountants office.  He-he, but that would be crazy, right Vlad?  Vlad?  Are you still there?
[Silence]
Putin:  Oh, sorry, Donald.  I have to run.  I’m building … I mean, a friend is building a little place on the Black Sea and there’s a problem with the tiles. 
Trump:  Hey, Vlad, I get it.  I only hope you can pay this kind of attention to my hotel. 
Putin:  Your what?  Oh, right.  Just let me know when you clear up your debts and we’ll talk. 
Trump:  But, Vlad, that could be a while.    
Putin:  Chin up, Donald.  I’m sure you’ll figure something out.  And don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll patch things up with Melania. 
[Line goes dead]
Trump:  [Turns] Sorry, son, looks like the trip to Moscow is off for a while.  Hey, what did he mean "patch things up with Melania"? 
Putin:  [Angrily] Who gave him this number?    

Trump Still Willing to Take Buyout

 The White House
January 10, 2021
 
Trump:  Come on in, Jared.  
Kushner:  Thank you, sir.
Trump:  I’ve come to a big decision.  I’m ready to walk away from all this, as long as we can come up with a figure.
Kushner:  [Visibly relieved.]  Oh, thank you, sir.  I was afraid to raise the question – especially after you threw a paperweight at Mr. Meadows the other day.  But really, at this point, resigning is probably best for the country – and for you!  Especially for you.
Trump:  Yeah, I think I’ve done all I can do anyway, and it looks like that witch Pelosi has talked the Joints Chief out my raid on Iran.  God, that would have been great. 
Kushner:  It certainly would have, sir.  Now, about that figure, I think we should move quickly, no more than a couple of days.
Trump:  A couple of days, 5 days – I don’t care as long as I get paid.  But I need to have my numbers straight.  I was thinking of asking for $100 million, but I’d probably settle for $50 million.  Think Pelosi will go for that?
Kushner:  [Confused] Sir, $50 million for what, exactly?
Trump:  My buyout, what else?  That’s the way it’s always worked.  When I stop making money from some deal, or when it just starts to become a pain in the keyster, I take off, but not before I secure some big buyout, for, you know, compensation.
Kushner:  But, sir, you have already been compensated.  You receive a salary.
Trump:  A few hundred K a year? That barely covers Earl’s allowance.
Kushner:  Earl, sir?
Trump:  My son.
Kushner:  You mean Barron?
Trump:  [Thinks for a second] Yeah, that's him.  Sweet kid.  Melania’s.
Kushner:  And besides that, sir, given the general mood in the country right now it’s not like you have a lot of leverage.  Congress is ready to impeach you -- again -- and I’m pretty sure that Mr. Pence would have gotten the remaining Cabinet members to declare you unfit for office if they didn’t keep avoiding his call.  I’m afraid your best option right now would be to resign and leave the city as quickly and quietly as possible.
Trump:  Quietly!  Why you … you … [rummages frantically among papers no desk]
Kushner:  Sir, would like me to find your paperweight so you can throw it at me? 
Trump: [Calms down] Forget it.  If I’m not getting a buyout I might as well go on being President.  Besides, Melania hasn’t finished picking which paintings she wants to keep. 
Kushner:  Paintings, sir?  
Trump:  Yeah, I know I called this place a dump, but there actually some really classy paintings here that will look great at Mar-a-Lago.  Besides, um, um, Barron – right? – has already drawn mustaches on some of them. 
Kushner:  [Nervously] Actually, sir, technically – but only in a strictly legal sense – those paintings don’t belong … which is to say, they, um … um…  [Turns and sprints for door]
Trump:  Geez, what’s his rush?  I guess he hasn’t picked any paintings out for himself.