Palm Beach, Florida
January 24, 2022
RNC Official: President Trump, we at the RNC were so heartened to hear of your intention not to pursue re-election in 2024. It’s a wise and magnanimous decision.
Trump: Magnani-what?
RNC Official: Moving right along, now that you have decided not to run, we think it would be beneficial if you were to get behind one of the many fine candidates out there ready to carry on the Trump legacy. For example, right here in Florida, Governor …
Trump: That's a no brainer. Ivanka!
RNC Official: I’m sorry, sir. I assume you mean your daughter, Mrs. Kushner. I agree 100% that she would make an awesome president, but, well, now that everyone knows your daughter tried to get you to stop the efforts to … um … intervene in the election certification on January 6, she might not appeal to the more … um … patriotic wing of the party.
Trump: That’s too bad, she’s such a bright kid.
RNC Official: So if Mrs. Kushner is ruled out, might I suggest that Senator Haw….
Trump: Then Junior.
RNC Official: Sir?
Trump: Don Junior. Frankly, I don’t think he’s got as big brain like his sister, but he is a chip off the old block. Just don’t tell him I wanted his sister first. He gets real sore about that.
RNC Official: Sir, the thing is, there seems to be a high probability that he is going to be indicted for tax fraud in New York.
Trump: What? You mean that partisan witchhunt?
RNC Official: Sir, I wrote those press releases. In fact, the evidence is pretty compelling.
Trump: Eric?
RNC Official: The same thing. But there are many fine candidates out there, President Trump. Have you noticed how Minority Leader Mc….
Trump: Then I guess it will have to be Melania’s kid.
RNC Official: Barron?
Trump: Yeah. Why can’t I ever remember his name?
RNC Official: What about Tiffany? [Under his breath] God, what am I saying?
Trump: Tiffany?
RNC Official: Your daughter, sir. Since you were going through your children, I noticed that you passed over your daughter Tiffany?
Trump: Are you sure she’s my daughter?
RNC Official: She was the issue of your marriage to the second Mrs. Trump.
Trump: Hard pass. I guess that leaves, um, um, why can’t I remember his name?
RNC Official: Don’t you think that Barron would be a little young to run for president?
Trump: I’m not sure, it’s been a while since I’ve seen him.
RNC Official: He sat next to you at dinner last night.
Trump: That was Barron?! I though he won a contest or something. I guess he’s a nice kid but he is kind of young. Do I have any other children?
RNC Official: Not officially, sir. But as I have been trying to impress upon you, there are many fine ….
Trump: I really like Jared, but blood is blood. And his blood is, well, you know. So I guess I have no choice but to run again. [Stands up]
RNC Official: But sir, won’t you even look at this list of …
Trump: [Walking away] I have a tee time. Lunch is on you, by the way -- and refills aren't free.
[Dials phone]
Voice: Well, who’s it going to be?
RNC Official: This is going to take longer than we thought.
