Kim: How Can I Trust Trump?

From The Pyongyang Times (2/27/2019)

Reporter:  General Kim, Shining Sun to your People, would you please tell the North Korean people a few words on how you brilliantly handled negotiations with the capitalist running dog today.

Kim:  You mean, Trump, okay I guess.  But I feel a little uneasy.

Reporter:  Are you saying that the Americans are not yet ready to admit their humiliating defeat at the hand of your Grandfather, the Eternal President?

Kim:  Yeah, well that was never going to happen.  No, I have been following the testimony of Michael Cohen.  Did you know Trump has been lying all this time about the WikiLeaks emails?  I was like “wow, how can I trust this guy?”  I was ready to sign away our nuclear weapons, but how do I know he’s not lying about all the food aid.  I don’t know what to do.  It’s at times like this that I wish I hadn’t killed all my older and wiser relatives – don’t print that!

Reporter:  Of course, Supreme Leader.  I will write that you are receiving advice directly from your Father, the Beloved and Respected General Kim Jong-Il. 

Kim:  I like that.

Reporter:  Chairman Kim, what brilliant strategy will you pursue now?

Kim:  Well if I told you then ... oh never mind. Put it this we, the capitalist dog had better keep his eyes open.

More Cohen Revelations

Washington, DC

February 26, 2019

On the eve of his much anticipated Congressional testimony, in which he is expected to reveal secret details of Donald Trump’s questionable business practices and the interaction between the Trump campaign and Russian intelligence in 2016, former Trump attorney Michael Cohen sat down with us to share a few other insights into his former client.

Melania Never Signed Her Pre-Nup

“The boss had me write up the details, so I know better than anyone that his plan was for her to get squat if they ever divorced.  I asked him if he wanted me to get her signature, but he said Donald Jr. would take care of it.  Let’s just say that when the boss found out after the ceremony that Donald Jr. forgot he had me write up the details of a new will with a much bigger share for 'Marla's kid.'”

Planned a Porno Star Video Series

“After his … um … well, you know, with Stormy Daniels, he had this idea that she was going to tell all her porno actress friends how great it was and that they would be lining up to … um … with him too.  He had a plan to tape the … um … “sessions” and package them into some kind of special.  His big idea was to tape them secretly, then, when the girl wasn’t paying attention, he was going to leer into the camera and say, “Now, she’s hired!”  He wouldn’t believe me that the secret taping was illegal but I was able to convince him that his “Apprentice” contract had a morals clause.”

The Real Goal in 2016 was an NFL Franchise

“Other than building a hotel in Moscow, Donald Trump’s number one goal in life is to own an NFL franchise.  His thinking was that the next time a team came on the market, having been the standard bearer for a major party would be enough to make the rest of the owners look past his shaky finances and string of past bankruptcies.  It actually wasn’t a bad idea, but then his Russian friends turned out to be more resourceful than he expected.”

Trump to Putin: Why Do We Have to Build the Wall?

February 16, 2019

Trump:  Vlad?  Vlad?  Are you there?

Putin:    Yes, Donald.

Trump:  I still think it’s so cool you let me call you ‘Vlad.’

Putin:    I know, Donald [wincing].  You tell me that every time we talk.  Why are you calling? 

Trump:  Well, Vlad, I declared a national emergency, just like you said. 

Putin:    A very strong move, Donald.

Trump:  Well, now everyone is suing me. 

Putin:    Yes, you Americans and your lawyers.  I will never understand that.  But I still do not understand why you are calling.

Trump:  I was just wondering, Vlad, don’t you think we can back down now?  Maybe just build a few miles of the wall, then say we’re finished?  I gotta admit, yesterday I had a lot of trouble trying to explain just why this is a national emergency.

Putin:    Yes, Donald, I saw.  You should have used the talking points that our embassy prepared for you. 

Trump: So what do you say, Vlad, can we…

Putin:    No, Donald.  I am afraid we must insist on a wall, like we discussed.   Or maybe I should call your friend Mr. Mueller and tell him …

Trump:  Okay!  Okay!  And listen, I hate to keep asking you this, but when this is all done I get to build my hotel in Moscow, right?

Putin:    Of course, Donald.

Trump:  And one more thing.

Putin:    Yes, Donald.

Trump:  Do you think you could explain later why we had to build this wall?

Putin:    [Laughing]  When the time is right, Donald. 

Trump:  Okay, Vlad.  Good bye.  Melania sends her best. 
Putin:    I know, Donald.

Putin: I Never Said to Build a Wall!

The Kremlin

February 15, 2019

Aide:      So, Vladimir Vladimirovich, I see that President Trump finally declared a national emergency today.  Congratulations.

Putin:     What for?  I never told him to build a wall.

Aide:      But this is bound to cause turmoil in the US for months.  So I figured this was something that you, um. ‘suggested’ he do.

Putin:     All I wanted was for him to remove the sanctions – and fat chance we’ll get that now.  But come to think of it, I might have given him the idea.

Aide:      How so?

Putin:    One time we were chatting about Crimea.  I was telling him about the history and trying to explain how it was really Russian; he kept asking if there are any golf courses.  But I suddenly got his attention when I mentioned how we had to spend billions of dollars to build a bridge to get there.

Aide:      I still don’t understand.

Putin:     He didn’t believe that a bridge could cost that much.  So I said, “Donald, imagine that you built a wall across your Southern border with Mexico.”

Aide:     And?

Putin:    Well, I guess he did.

Aide:     So do you think they will build this wall?

Putin:   Absolutely not.  President Pence will put a stop to it.

Aide:     President Pence?  Don’t you mean …

Putin:   [Smiling]  Ri-i-ight, Vice-President Pence.

The President Loves a Big Crowd

February 13, 2019

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW

Washington, DC

Mulvaney:  And Sarah, the President was upset with our follow up to the El Paso rally.  He thought it was too defensive.

Sanders:  Actually Mick, I had one of our staffers write up a template that we can push out right after any event.  Here, take a look. [Hands a sheet of paper}

Mulvaney:  [Reading]  “President Trump was proud to have the opportunity to address his adoring public in the beautiful city of [FILL IN NAME].  He is always happy to get out of Washington to meet with real Americans who share his vision of restoring American greatness. “ 

[Looks up]  I like it.  Perfect tone.

Sanders:  I thought so

Mulvaney:  [Reading further]  “[Republican city]  According to local authorities, this is the largest crowd ever to attend an event in [FILL IN NAME].  [Democratic City]  Unfortunately, local authorities would not allow all of President Trump’s supporters into the arena.”  

[Takes off glasses]  See, right there.  This is too defensive  We’ll use both sentences, whatever the city --- and delete “unfortunately.  You know how the President loves a big crowd.

Sanders:  Got it.

Mulvaney:  [Reading further]  “Once again, the White House deeply regrets that a representative of [NEWS ORGANIZATION] was punched/stabbed/shot [PICK ONE].  President Trump strongly feels that all Americans should feel safe from assault, which is why he urges Congress to fully fund the border wall to keep us safe from all the terrorists, murderers, and rapists who are flooding into our country every day.” 

[Smiles] Nice touch on the wall.  This is good.  Just take out “deeply.”

Sanders:  I don’t know how I missed that.

Melania: Is Beto Cute?

Reporter: Mrs. Trump, I am honored and surprised that your office contacted us and said that you wanted to give an interview.  If you don’t mind, I was going to tape this to make sure that …

FLOTUS: Turn it off!

Reporter: Okay, if that’s what you prefer.  [Turns off recorder]  Now, could …

FLOTUS: No, I have a question for you.  This Beeto who everyone is talking about, is he cute?

Reporter: Do you mean Beto O’Rourke?  It’s pronounced ‘Bay-to.’

FLOTUS: Beeto, Bay-to, who cares?  Is he cute?

Reporter: I’m not sure I could say.  He’s a very engaging young man, and he seems to have inspired a lot of supporters.

FLOTUS: Can’t you answer a simply question?  Is he cute?  I’ve seen his photos, but believe me, I know how easy it is to fake an image.  I need to know this before I … before I … um …

Reporter: Mrs. Trump, what are you trying to say?

FLOTUS: I don’t want to leave here.  There I said it.

Reporter: But why would you have to leave?

FLOTUS: I know everyone thinks I’m dumb, but I know that if Donald is lucky enough to last two more years there’s no way he will be re-elected, and I don’t want to leave.

Reporter: But everyone says that you have been miserable in Washington.

FLOTUS: I changed my mind.  Maybe the White House isn’t as nice as Palm Beach, but I love the service.

Reporter: The service?

FLOTUS: Yes, in New York it was all those fat old men, “Good morning, Mrs. Trump,” “Let me help you with that Mrs. Trump,” all the time with their hands out waiting for a big tip.  But here, it’s all those handsome young men in their dark suits, always polite but not too friendly.  I do not want to lose them.  Even the lesbian.

Reporter: Are you talking about the Secret Service?

FLOTUS: I guess, I never understood why they call them that.  What’s the secret?

Reporter: And what does that have to do with Beto O’Rourke.

FLOTUS: Well, I hear he has a good chance to replace Donald, so, I thought, maybe?

Reporter: You could marry him?  How do you think that would look?  And besides, Beto is happily married.

FLOTUS: How would it look?  Worse than sleeping with a porn actress?  And he might be happily married now, but, when he sees … [runs hand over hips].

Reporter: Mrs. Trump, I’m afraid I will not be able to continue this.  It would not be professional.  Good day. [Dashes for door]

FLOTUS: One word of this and I’ll sue.

….

U.S. Secret Service Protective Specialist [Name Redacted]:  I’m not a lesbian!  I keep telling her.  I’ve shown her pictures of my husband and kids.  I’m just tall.  She just winks and says, “It’s okay, I won’t tell.”  Anyway, this is what I signed up for.  [Mutters to herself]  Must take the bullet.  Must take the bullet.  Must take the bullet.

Virgina To Do Without Governor For Now

Taking its cue from the decision of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences to conduct this year's Oscars ceremony without a host, the State of Virginia has decided to operate for the time being without a governor.  “This is really embarrassing,” stated Senator Mark Warner, a former governor who headed an ad hoc committee to identify a new governor in the wake of scandals affecting Virginia’s elected governor, lieutenant governor, and attorney general.   Following the lines of succession, the committee has gone through 113 state and local officials, all of whom were found to have some disqualifying racial, sexual, or financial impropriety in their past that disqualified them for office.  “We thought we finally had a winner, but it turned out that the Commissioner of Elections in Rappahannock County had viewed the stolen nude photos of Jennifer Lawrence while they were still online.  We just can’t have that, I guess.”  Amazingly, the damning information on all 113 individuals was uncovered by hitherto unknown journalist Patrick Howley of the hitherto unknown website Big League Politics.  “Geez,” said Warner, “I’ve heard of having your ear to the ground, but this kid is ridiculous.”

Putin Undecided on Releasing Mueller Report

Aides say that Russian President Vladimir Putin is still undecided on whether he will allow the ‘Mueller Report’ on Russian interference in the 2016 US election campaign to be published or not.

“On the one hand, it would seem to be a – how do you Americans say? – yes, a no-brainer not to publish the report since it might reveal Russian intelligence methods.”

“So why is even considering releasing it?”

“Well, on the other hand, he really wants to show off how easy it was to get this unstable novice elected President.  Not revealing the report would be like, covering up the Mona Lisa, or Starry Night, or ...”

“Okay, I get it.  But wait a minute.  This is an American investigation.  How does President Putin even have a say on whether the report will be made public?”

“Don’t worry.  President Putin knows – how do you Americans say? – yes, what buttons to push.”

Trump to Putin: "I Still Trust the GRU"

Washington - Moscow

February 4, 2019

Putin: Donald?

Trump: Vlad?  Is that you?  I just want you to know how cool it is that you let me call you ‘Vlad.’

Putin: [Annoyed]  I know.  You’ve told me.  Listen, Donald.  I am a little concerned.  What is this that I read that you don’t have to agree with your intelligence people.

Trump: [Laughing]  Did you see the interview?  I thought I stuck it to them good.

Putin: I have to tell you, Donald, the staff at the GRU is a little hurt.  Haven’t we always provided you with good information?  

Trump:  Vlad, did you think I was talking about your staff?  No way.  I was talking about all those Obama people who still work for me.  I still trust the GRU.

Putin: Thank you, Donald, I will pass that on.  Some of them we’re starting to wonder if we made a mistake by not revealing what we know about …

Trump: [Interrupting]  Don’t say it!  Have no fear on my end.  As for as I’m concerned, your information is as good as gold.

Putin: Just so we understand each other.  Good bye.

Trump: Bye, Vlad.  Melania sends her best.

Putin:  I know, Donald.