Trump Tries Out the 'Flynn-Defense'

May 24, 2020

Hannity:  Mr. President, all of us at Fox are grateful that you have taken the time to speak with us for the 486^th time.

Trump:  Thanks, Sean, always great to be here, especially since you canned that Shep Smith loser.

Hannity:  Who?

[Both laugh]

Hannity:  Now then, Mr. President, you have been talking a lot about the Michael Flynn case, and some are calling this brewing scandal ‘Obamagate.’

Trump:  That’s right, Sean.  The greatest crime in human history.  Some people are saying this might be worse than Eve eating the apple.  We'll have to see.

Hannity:  Um, well, be that as it may, I wonder if you could help us out with something.  Back in 2017, you said that you had to fire General Flynn because he lied, but now you are blaming the FBI.  A lot of people want to know, did General Flynn lie when interviewed by the FBI in 2017?

Trump:  Yes, he did, Sean, but the point is, those FBI agents wanted him to lie.  They easily could have warned him, and said something like, ‘hey, bro, you know that if you lie to us it’s a Federal crime punishable by fines and incarceration.’  But they didn’t do that.  They just let him lie.  So it’s really their fault.

Hannity:  [Silence]  Okay, I see where you are going.

Trump:  It’s really kind of like me and this COVID thing.

Hannity:  [Silence] Um … maybe you could explain that, sir.’

Trump:  It’s really obvious, Sean.  Everyone is blaming me for lying back in January about how serious the COVID threat was, even though I had been briefed by intelligence and public health officials.

Hannity:  [Silence] So … so … so … can you help me out here, Mr. President?

Trump:  Well, when those reporters were yelling out their questions, no one said that if I lied they would throw it back in my face.  But you see, they wanted me to lie.  So, if you think about it, this whole mess is really the media’s fault.  But let me just say, I feel really too bad that a few people have died -- even though it's ... like I said ... not my fault.

Hannity:  [Hesitantly] I guess that is one way of looking at it, sir. [Makes throat-cutting gesture]

Trump:  It’s the same thing when I said that anyone who wanted a test could get one, or when I said there were plenty of masks, or … [screen goes blank]

Hannity:  Oops.  We seem to have lost the feed.  We’ll be right back after the commercial as a panel of pseudo-experts will use the words Joe Biden and sexual predator in every sentence.

Melania: Put on the Mask, Donald!

White House

May 21, 2020

Melania:  Donald, do not come into this room without a mask!

Trump:  But Melania, we’ve been through this.  I don’t wanna wear a mask.  There are a lot of people who look up to me as the guy who wasn’t afraid of the virus.

Melania:  And that is why I am afraid of you, so put on the mask.

Trump:  But isn’t it enough that you and the boy have on masks?

Melania:  The boy?  You mean Barron?  Your son?

Barron:  Hi Dad.

Trump:  He knows who I mean.  But anyway, as long as you two are wearing masks, we’re all safe, right?

Melania:  Well, maybe I don’t ‘wanna’ wear a mask either. [Moves to remove mask]

Trump:  Hey, what are you doing?  Stay away from me!  

[Secret Service comes running up] Don’t worry fellas, I've got this.  Heah-heah.

Wow that was close.  Don’t do that again!  When’s the last time you were tested?

Melania:  Two hours ago.  I am tested every two hours.  Remember?

Trump:  And have you touched anyone since then?

Melania:  Only Barron.

Trump:  Who?  Oh yeah, the boy … um … I mean … our son.

Barron:  Hi Dad.

Melania:  Look, Donald, I’ve had it.  Put on the mask or you can’t come in.  Not now, not ever.

Trump:  You mean no … no …

Melania:  That’s right, no more “touching.”

Putin: We Will Build A Really Super Duper Missile!

Moscow, Russia

May 15, 2020

In light of President Trump’s claim that the USA will win the race to develop a Super Duper Missile (SDM), Russian President Vladimir Putin ordered his Defense Minister Sergey Shoygu to cease SDM development immediately in order to concentrate all necessary resources on the next generation Really Super Duper Missile (RSDM).  In an official announcement, Putin assured the Russian people that he will not allow Russia or its allies to be vulnerable to an American attack.  

Off the record, lower level Russian Defense Ministry officials expressed befuddlement at President Trump’s remarks and at President Putin’s response.  A Russian general holding an English-Russian technical dictionary asked, “Vat eet meens, ‘duper’?

FDR: It's Time to Wind Down the War Effort

White House

Washington, DC

June 7, 1944

FDR:  Now that our brave lads have pulled off one of the most amazing feats in military history with the Normandy landing, the defeat of the Axis powers is a foregone conclusion.  Therefore, I think it is about time to start winding down the war effort.

Reporter:  Do you mean we are pulling out our troops?

FDR:  Now hold on there -- don't go putting words in my mouth.  Who said anything about pulling out our troops?  We remain firmly committed to victory over the enemy.  But isn’t it about time to get the economy moving again?  What’s the use of all this fighting if these boys don’t have jobs to come back to?

Reporter:  So what exactly does winding down mean?

FDR:  Well, as of now, there will be no further deployments to the European theater and we are investigating which units can be withdrawn while still maintaining an aggressive posture.

Reporter:  Aren’t you afraid that this policy could give Hitler a chance to regroup his forces?

FDR:  Not at all.  As I said, victory now is all but assured.  And besides, if this does give Hitler a little breathing room, maybe he’ll take the opportunity to change his ways.  One way or another, it’s time to crank up the might US economic engine.

Reporter:  Did you consult with our allies on this? 

FDR:  Well, they really would have no reason to object because no other country has sacrificed more of its fighting men in this fight.

Reporter:  But what about the Red Army?  Haven't they ...

FDR:  [Interrupts] Next.

Reporter:  Mr. President, I don’t notice any of your military advisors standing with you.  Are the Joint Chiefs of Staff on board with this decision?

FDR:  I think it’s safe to say that the Joint Chiefs of Staff, being the great patriots they are, share my goal of revving up the American economy.  

Reporter:  But that wasn’t the question!  

FDR:  [Interrupts] Sorry, Scotty.  One question to a customer.  Next

Reporter:  Mr. President, what about Japan?  We still have a long way to go there, too.

FDR:  Japan?  Oh yes.  Well, I am confident that once Germany falls, the Japanese will see the writing on the wall.  Besides, our pressure in the Pacific is showing results.  Why, I understand their pilots are so undernourished they’re trying to land their planes on our ships.  So, clearly, victory is in sight.

Reporter:  Wait!  That’s not why …

FDR:  [Interrupts] There, there.  You had your shot.  Now then, before I go, I’d like to say a word to the American people, especially the good people of Pennsylvania, Iowa, Oregon, and several other swing states.  Good news, my friends, your boys are coming home!  Happy Days are here again!