Trump Visits the Doctor

Walter Reed National Military Medical Center

Bethesda, MD

November 16, 2019

Trump:  Ouch.

Doctor:  How about here?

Trump:  Ouch!  God, even worse.

Doctor:  Okay, now how about here?

Trump:  Not too bad.  Well, doc, what is it?

Doctor:  You were right, Mr. President.  It’s the bone spurs.

Trump:  I knew it.  Everybody is always on me about how irritable I am.  I’d like to see them try to sit through some 2-hour briefing on some shithole country when – ouch!  Doc, what can you do for me?

Doctor:  We’ve been through this before, Mr. President.  The best thing you could do is lose weight.  That would take pressure off …

Trump:  Hold it right there.  We both know that’s not going to happen.  Isn’t there anything else?

Doctor:  A little rest might not hurt.  Can you cancel your appearances for a couple of days?

Trump:  I guess so.  But I’m sure that fake media will start rumors about how I had a stroke or something.

Doctor:  Mr. President, are you sure you don't want me to make an announcement about how serious your bone spurs are?

Trump:  Why bother?  No one believes that I couldn’t serve in Vietnam because of these blasted --- ouch!

Doctor:  As you wish, sir.  If only the people how brave you are.

Trump:  You could say that, again.  Sometimes, when they flare up really bad, I’m not even sure what I’m saying.

Trump: I Hate Ukraine

The West Wing

November 13, 2019

Aide: Sir, it looks like this problem is not going to go away like we had all hoped, so it is important that you master some basic details about Ukraine.

Trump: I still don't understand why we even have an embassy there.  It’s a fake country!  Vlad says that …

Aide: [Nervous laughter]  We have been over this, sir, President Putin’s input on Ukraine may not be entirely helpful ... or accurate.

Trump: Heh-heh, bet you wouldn’t him that to his face.

Aide: Be that as it may, sir, you seem to be fixated on the idea that Ukraine is part of Russia, so we have asked Professor Borissow, who is an expert on Russian-Ukrainian history, to try to clarify the matter.  Professor, please.

Professor: Well, President Trump, this is quite an honor.  You see, Ukraine’s historical relationship to Russia is very complicated.  For example, both Russians and Ukrainians claim Kiev to be their founding city. In 988 …

Trump: Bor-ing!  This is so boring!  Let’s speed things up, smart guy, aren’t Russians and Ukrainians the same?

Professor: No, sir.

Trump: You mean, they’re totally different?

Professor: No, sir.  Both Russians and Ukrainians are Slavic peoples.  They are …

Trump: Like Ivana?

Professor: [Smiles]  Very good, sir.  In fact, your former wife is also a Slav.

Trump: Russian or Ukrainian?

Professor: Neither, sir.  I believe your former wife is Czech.  Czechs are a different Slavic nation.  Similarly, the first lady is …

Trump: Melania is Ukrainian?

Professor: [Wipes brow] No, sir.  Mrs. Trump is Slovenian, which is another one of the Slavic nations.

Trump: [To aide]  This guy isn’t helping at all.  Couldn’t you just show me a map?

Aide: If you remember, sir, we tried that, but you just kept staring and repeating, “God, Russia is fucking huge.”

Trump: Okay, so you say that Ukraine is a real country.

Aide: Since 1990, sir.

Trump: Well, why don’t I have any hotels there?

Aide: Again, sir, I have no insights into your business decisions.

Trump: And why should I care about all this again?

Aide: [Shouting] Because … [Regains composure] Because, sir, the House of Representatives is opening impeachment proceedings against you on the basis of a telephone call that you had with the Ukrainian President.  Therefore, you need to know some basic information about …. Sir, please don’t walk out again!

Trump: [Hastily leaving room] I hate Ukraine!