Greenland Explained, Part 2

Presidential Office -Kremlin

Moscow,

August 8, 2019

Putin: Hello, Donald.

Trump:  Vlad, is that you?

Putin: Yes, Donald.

Trump: I know it’s been a while since I called, Vlad – and by the way I want you to know how cool it is that you let me call you ‘Vlad.’

Putin: [Annoyed] I know, Donald.

Trump:  Well, anyway, I’ve missed our little chats, and, I’ve just been feeling down lately.

Putin: Why, Donald?

Trump: I just feel like I’m not enjoying this anymore.  Nobody likes me – even white people are starting to laugh at me – and now my advisors tell me the economy is looking bad.  I just don’t know what to do.

Putin:  Isn’t there someplace you could invade? [Snickering in background.]

Trump: What?

Putin: When oil prices fell in 2008 we invaded Georgia and …

Trump: Really?  Because …

Putin: [Testily] Not that Georgia, we’ve been over that.  Anyway, I invaded Georgia and people loved me.  Then, in 2014, everyone was complaining about how much the Olympics cost so I annexed Crimea.

Trump: And it was popular?

Putin:  Donald, I could have had one of my opponents shot in front of the Kremlin and nothing would have happened to me.  [Open laughter in background before Putin turns and puts finger to lips.]

Trump:  And you think it would work for me?

Putin:  I don’t know, Donald.  You have all those generals who Obama picked who might not be loyal.  But maybe you could buy someplace before the economy goes bad.  Let’s think, are there any islands around you that you like?

Trump:  You know, when I was helping my son, um, um, …

Putin: Barron

Trump:  Right.  When I was helping him with his geography homework I saw there is this big island in the Atlantic that I always thought was Nantucket.  Turns out it belongs to Denmark.  I remember thinking, how did a little loser country like Denmark get this huge island?  So maybe …

Putin:  That’s the spirit, Donald.  And don’t take no for an answer. [Turns to stifle snickering.]

Trump:  Thanks, Vlad.  I feel better already. 

Putin:  Glad to help.

Trump:  I’ll talk to you soon.  And Melania sends her best.

Putin: I know that, Donald.

Greenland Explained

White House

August 15, 2019

Aide: Sir, I have some upsetting news.  There is some disturbing data that indicates we might be in trouble with the economy.

Trump: Oh, that inverse yield thing?  Don’t worry I have a plan.

Aide: [Relieved] Oh, thank God.  Some of us were afraid that you thought those tax cuts and the Trade War with China were actually going to work.

Trump: [Testily] They are going to work, they just need time.

Aide: That’s the spirit, sir [Feigning enthusiasm].  Now tell me all about this plan.

Trump:  Okay, maybe I don’t know all the ins and outs of these budget things, but if there’s one thing I know its real estate.  [Yells out to person in back of room] What’s the name of that place we fly over all the time?

Voice: Greenland!

Trump: That’s right, Greenland.  How about this?  We buy Greenland.

Aide: [Incredulous] Buy Greenland? 

Trump: You heard me, we buy Greenland. 

Aide: I … I … I … I am afraid I do not understand the plan, sir.  But I’m sure it’s brilliant.

Trump: This is what I learned as a businessman.  Just when the numbers start to look sour, I always made this big splashy purchase.  I talk it up, about how this shows we’re on the rebound, how this hotel or casino is going to be a big money-maker, then this gives me time to cash out before we have to declare bankruptcy.

Aide: [Slowly] Declare bankruptcy, sir?

Trump: Brilliant, huh?

Aide: Sir, we have been through this before, as President of the United States, you control the nation’s finances but do not profit personally.  There is no “cashing out.”  And the United States of America cannot just declare bankruptcy.  It would surely set off a world-wide depression.

Trump: No cashing out?

Aide: No, sir.

Trump: Okay, well I also have a …, what’s it called?  Oh yeah, a Plan B.

Aide: [Relieved] I knew it, sir.  What is the Plan B?

Trump: Get Mnuchin and Kudlow on all the squawk shows this weekend to say this data is all fake news and how I won’t let the economy tank.

Trump Accidently Accuses Himself of Epstein Murder

The White House
August 15, 2019

Aide:  What's so funny, sir?

Trump:  Look at this article I just tweeted.  Heh-heh-heh.

Aide: [Reads linked article quickly – looks up with alarm]  Sir?  Did you show this to Mr. Kushner first?

Trump:  Jared?  No.  I’m not sure where he is.  Why what’s the problem?  See: “Who Killed Jeff?”  This ought to keep Bill and Hillary up at night.

Aide:  Did you read the article?

Trump:  Yeah, sure.  Well, not the whole thing – but I read where it says how Bill Clinton and Epstein were great pals.

Aide:  That it does, sir.  But if you read at the end: “But the most likely suspect has to be the person who, as the nation’s chief executive, controls the Federal prison where Epstein met his mysterious demise.”

Trump: And?

Aide:  Sir, that’s you.  We’ve been over this – chief executive is another way of saying President.  They’re talking about you!  They’re accusing you of killing Jeff Epstein.

Trump: Geez, I guess that’s why I’m getting all those “likes.”

Trump Claims Immunity from Background Checks

White House

August 9, 2019

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

The White House would like to clarify President Trump’s remarks from earlier today that requiring background checks for purchases of assault rifles might be appropriate given these weapons’ destructive potential.  This requirement was not meant to apply to candidates for our nation’s highest office, which brings with it not only command of the United States’ armed forces but the ability to launch a nuclear strike.  The White House calls your attention to the key difference that while an individual citizen will only be guided by his own faculties in the deployment of an assault rifle, the President of the United States has access to advisers whose expertise has been verified by the national security community or Fox News before he presses “the button.”  Therefore, the White House calls on the press corps to cease its fruitless efforts to question the President’s fitness for office and leave all “background checks” to the opioid-addled citizenry, as called for in the Constitution.

Trump Visits Protest Victims at NRA Headquarters

August 8, 2019

Fairfax, VA

Under tight security, President Donald Trump traveled to NRA Headquarters in Fairfax, VA, to console employees who earlier in the week endured abusive chants from anti-gun violence protesters.  And the President heard an earful.

“It was awful.  You should have seen the signs they were carrying.  Calling us murderers and terrorists.  And the images.  I can’t sleep.”

“It’s as if those wackos don’t know anything about all the good work we’re doing to keep people safe.  Why just week we sent 3,000 bulletproof backpacks to minority school districts.  Does that sound like something a murderer would do?”

When asked who was behind the protests, NRA employees were in surprising agreement:

“Mexicans.  Definitely the Mexicans.  They’ve already sent so many illegals over here, but they figure that once they take away our guns, they’ll be able to empty out their country.  I don't understand why because I had a great time in Cabo last year.”

The White House issued a brief statement after the visit:

“President Trump was honored to meet with these brave Americans who are on the front lines of the fight to preserve the freedom of real Americans.  He plans to sign an executive order banning protests within a1-mile perimeter of non-profit organizations dedicated to the preservation of unrestricted private gun ownership.”