Casey to Resign from Senate over Farah Fawcett poster

Senator Bob Casey (D-PA) sent shockwaves through Washington when his office issued the following statement on Monday:

It is with great shame and humility that I acknowledge that when I was a college undergraduate I had a poster of Farrah Fawcett on my wall -- the one in the red bathing suit.  I wish I could say that I purchased the poster to honor Ms. Fawcett’s talent as an actress, or to celebrate the woman-affirming energy she brought to her role on Charlie’s Angels.  But I must be honest: I saw the poster primarily as an object of my unreasonable expectations of what a sexually attractive woman should look like.  Moreover, when male friends visited my room I sometimes invited them to focus and comment on particular body parts and to speculate what they might do if Ms. Fawcett were to invite them into her bedroom.

Since then, I have tried to be a stalwart voice for women’s rights and empowerment, but I now realize that my past makes it impossible for me to continue in that role.  Therefore, I immediately announce my resignation from the United States Senate.  I will continue to try to make amends for my past transgressions.

Asked to comment on Casey’s resignation, Senator Claire McCaskill (D-MO) replied, “Really?  A poster?  What’s the big deal?”

Shocker! Donald Trump Jr. is actually son of Vladimir Putin

In a stunning turn of developments, Special Counsel Robert Mueller announced today that his office's investigation has uncovered that the person we have come to know as Donald Trump, Jr., the eldest son of President Donald Trump, is actually the son of Russian President Vladimir Putin.  "This was a decades old plot hatched in the old Soviet Union.  Putin's child was inserted into the Trump household soon after birth."

Reporter: How did you ever learn this?
Mueller: Something always bothered us about that infamous meeting with the Russian attorney.  Manafort is sure that he hear Trump Jr. tell her as he was walking out, 'Tell Papa I'm ready to come home.'  We spent a lot of time trying to figure out what this could mean.  Once we decided it wasn't a code, it was just some good old detective work.
Reporter: But this is unbelievable, how did they manage to convince President Trump that this baby was his?  Was he in on it?  Was Ivana Trump part of the plot?
Mueller: We haven't worked out all the details, but we have DNA evidence that Vladimir Putin and the man we have known as Donald Trump, Jr., are father and son.
Reporter: Are you saying you got Putin's DNA?  How did you pull that off?
Mueller: Let's just say that you don't spend so much time with no shirt on without leaving some DNA around.

At her daily press briefing, White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders downplayed the impact of the news.  "The American people are tired of hearing about Russia this and Russia that.  They're more concerned with getting a tax break and building a wall on the US-Mexican border."

Reporter: Does the President acknowledge the veracity of the story?
Sanders: President Trump does not dispute the DNA evidence.
Reporter: And this is the first he knew of this?
Sanders: That's right.
Reporter: So wouldn't that mean that one day somebody pushed a baby in front of him and said it was his and he believed it?  Wouldn't he have noticed that his wife was never pregnant, then suddenly had a child?
Sanders: The American people did not elect Donald Trump by an historic margin because he's an attentive husband, or father, or president.   No more questions!

Hidden Assets Surrounded by "Big Water"

Responding to allegations that some of his Cabinet members and advisors avoided paying their fair share of taxes by moving assets to secret offshore accounts, President Donald Trump echoed the language he used to defend his administration's hurricane relief efforts in Puerto Rico:  "Those assets are on islands surrounded by water, big water, ocean water.  At least I think so."  Pressed on why that should matter the President explained, "I'm not sure mail can be delivered to some of these places, so how can they pay taxes when they never get the bill?"  Being informed that most of these tax havens -- Bermuda, for example -- do receive mail did not seem to sway the President:  "Okay, let's say they got the bill.  Then they would have to ship all that money, which would probably cost more than the taxes they owed, it just doesn't make any sense."  Mr. Trump ignored followup questions on his dubious math or on why the money could not be wired.  He added:  "I think the American people are more concerned with Mexicans stealing American jobs than they are with some smart businessmen looking for banks that pay the best interest with free checking."

Brazile: Not THAT Clinton!

Former Democratic National Committee Chairwoman Donna Brazile found herself at the center of a firestorm when stories circulated that she had seriously considered replacing Hillary Clinton with Vice President Joe Biden as the Democratic Party's standard bearer in the 2016 election:

-  I don't know how these rumors get started, but that thought never entered my mind.  My plan was for Joe Biden to replace Bill Clinton.
-  Wife-swapping?
-  No, that would be sexist.  I prefer "spouse-swapping."
-  Really?  Could you get way with that?
-  Hey, remember who the Republicans nominated?  I think we could have gotten away with it.
-  But why?
-  After that tape came out with Trump bragging about -- well, you know -- we saw that we weren't getting as big a jump with women as we expected.  Whenever we would bring it up, Trump would bring up Bill Clinton.  Look, I love Bill Clinton, but he was becoming an albatross.  But Joe Biden?  Women loved him.
-  So how far did this go?
-  Not very far.  I sat down with the Clintons to sound them out.
-  And?
-  President Clinton got out his phone and started to dial when Ambassador Clinton said, "Bill, we're not doing this!"  I thought I noticed a grimace, but then he just smiled and said, "Of course not, pumpkin, you're my girl.  Yup, you're my girl."  Then he accidentally dropped and smashed his phone.
-  Did the Bidens ever catch wind of this?
-  I never mentioned it to them, but they might have heard rumors.  The next time I saw them I walked over to say hello but Mrs. Biden summoned her Secret Service detail and had me escorted out.

"Don" Trump

White House staffers report that they have noted a marked shift in President Donald Trump’s viewing habits recently:

-      He hardly tunes in to Fox News any more.  He used to be glued to that channel for hours.

-      That’s good, right?  I mean, he must be getting other sources of information now.

-      Not really.  He hardly watches any news at all.

-      What do you mean?  Is he actually reading up on policy?

-      Heh, good one.  No, now he spends hours at a time watching The Godfather.

-      The Godfather?  Really?  That’s a pretty deep film.  And long.  It’s hard to imagine him sitting through the whole trilogy.

-      He doesn’t sit through the whole trilogy.  He just watches certain scenes over and over, like the baptism scene from Part 1, where Michael wipes out all his rivals.  He really likes that one..  Every time you think to yourself, this has to be it. But then he says, “one more time.”

-      What’s the point though?  Does he like the Al Pacino that much?    

-      It’s hard to tell.  Most of the time he he just leans forward and glares.  But that’s not so unusual.  One time though, when he was watching the scene in Part 2 where Tom tells Michael that he can't kill everybody, the President just shook his head and muttered, "You just can't trust people, right, Michael?"  

Russia? I thought you said Prussia!

U.S. President Donald Trump explained that his increasingly implausible denial of cooperation between his campaign and Russian state actors was the result of a misunderstanding.  "I swear, every time someone asked me about Russian interference in the campaign, I thought they were saying Prussian interference.  I mean, Prussia hasn't existed for like a thousand years, so of course I said it was ridiculous."  [Editor's note: Prussia ceased to exist as an sovereign state in 1871.]  When asked to clarify his ties with Russia, Trump responded, "See this? [pointing to his left pinkie]  This is about the only part of me not owned by or mortgaged to some Russian.  I can't take a crap without asking for Putin's permission."  Pressed further on whether there was a quid pro quo in which the Russians provided assistance in expectations of concessions from a Trump administration, Trump replied, "Are you kidding?  It's not as if I tried to hide it." 

Father of the Year

G20 Summit

Hamburg, Germany

July 7, 1017

IK:       Daddy

DT:      Yes, pumpkin.

IK:       Do you remember 1994?

DT:      Sure.

IK:       And do you remember ...?

DT:      Sweetheart, listen.  I have a lot of important meetings today, so maybe you could get to the point. 

IK:       Okay, it was April 1994, "Take Your Daughter To Work Day."  You were supposed to take me to a staff meeting where you were going to let me fire someone, but your wife at the time, wanted to go to Las Vegas, so that was that.

DT:      Yeah, I kind of remember that, but didn't I ... I thought I ... I made it up to you, right?

IK:       What you said was, "Some day, sweetheart I'll make it up to you, anything you want?"

DT:      Are you sure I never ...

IK:       Here's the deal.  I know you have that Partnership with Africa meeting coming up.

DT:      Yeah, can't wait. So?

IK:       I want to sit in your chair!

DT:      What? 

IK:       All you have to do is say you were busy for a minute.  But I just want to sit in your chair.  Long enough for them to take pictures.  Do you sit next to Trudeau?  Please tell me it isn't that Indian troll.

DT:      Honey.  How's this going to look?  I mean, people are already talking about how you're getting special treatment.

IK:       So now you're worried about what people are saying.  Look, Daddy, you owe me.  Either I get to sit in that chair or I swear I'll tell everyone about ...

DT:      Okay.  You win.  Five minutes, that's it.

IK:       Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!

Trump Was Expecting Putin To Be Taller

Hamburg, Germany

July 7, 2017

Donald Trump's long anticipated first meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin got off to an awkward start when Trump was temporarily stunned by his Russian counterpart's diminutive stature.  Ready to give Putin one of his now legendary shoulder socket-wrenching handshakes, Trump almost poked Putin in the eye with his outstretched hand, then overcompensated by almost kneeling down to even out their heights.  As he was helped back to his feet, Trump turned to his aides and asked "Is that really him?"  Although Putin's insecurity about his height is well known, Trump was not informed of this by his Russian affairs advisor who was hired on the strength of  a viral story on "hot" Russian women tennis players he penned in his previous post as Breitbart senior editor.  Hours after the meeting, Trump still seemed shaken, "It was so creepy.  I thought it had to be one of those midgets like in the Austin Powers movies.  I can't believe that's the guy who got me elected."

Trump Wants His Miles

As if the White House staff did not already have enough sensitive topics to tiptoe around, President Trump's first international trip has created another.  An anonymous source related, "Believe it or not, he thinks he should be earning frequent flyer miles.  Right after we took off from Andrews he calls over one of the Air Force stewards and tries to hand him a slip of paper.  The young man looked perplexed, so I thought I'd help out. 'Oh good,  do you know who I give my frequent flyer number to?'  I guess I looked just as puzzled, so he started to get mad. 'Doesn't anyone know what's going on here?  I didn't bother with all the domestic flights, but I'll bet I'm racking up some sweet mileage now.'  So I told him that I would get his number to the right person and walked away.  Then I came back and told him that he didn't need to worry about the next legs of the trip."  Asked if he is worried about the President becoming aware of the ruse, the aide replied, "As long as he doesn't start bragging on Twitter about how he's never going to have to pay for a flight for as long as he lives after he leaves office, I think I'll be okay."  But what about the President's next trip?  "I'm just going to roll the dice that there isn't going to be a 'next trip' or that if there is, I'll be long gone."  

A Gift from Vlad

The one bright spot in what has been a tumultuous week for President Trump was a gift from Russian President Vladimir Putin delivered by Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov in their now infamous private meeting.  "See this tie bar -- personally selected by Vlad.  Yeah, Vlad, I guess that's what his friends call him."  With that Mr. Trump looked down at his torso with clear pride and smiled wistfully.  "It's actually kind of plain, but it's the thought that counts.  Just look at this card he sent along.  'Dear Don, I hope that you like the tie bar and that you never take it off.  Vlad.  P.S.  Because if you do, I'll know right away!'  See, he drew a little smiley face here.  What class." "But Mr. President, aren't you worried that ..." "That I can't wear the same tie bar every day?  Funny, that's what [National Security Adviser Lt. Gen. H. R.] McMaster said too.  Who would have thought he cared about fashion?  But like I told him, this goes great with the dark suits and red ties I like.  I've worn it every moment since, at least when I'm not golfing.  Isn't that right?"   An aide sitting nearby confirmed this with a weary nod.  "I'm not even sure what it's made of.  When you run your finger on it feels like an alloy but it's a little heavy for a tie bar so I think it might be a real metal."

All 100 U.S. Senators Summoned to the White House for Time-Share Presentation

Senator John Barasso (R-WY) was a little confused by the much ballyhooed convocation of all 100 U.S. Senators for an unprecedented security briefing at the White House on Wednesday.  "We walk into the room, and there's not only Ivanka, but the President's elder children seated at the dais as well.  Everything started normally.  Some 3-Star from the Joint Chiefs of Staff got up and explained why we consider the strategic threat from North Korea to be so urgent -- I can't go into all the details.  But then, Donald Jr. stands up and interjects, 'But remember, those North Korean missiles only threaten the West Coast.'  I mean, after that we're all looking at each other wondering what the world is going on.  So after that, some Vice Admiral gets up to describe our assets in the region -- pretty sobering -- when Eric stands and announces, 'While those Hollywood types are shaking in their boots, how would you like to be relaxing here?'  Then, this huge screen appears behind the monitor that the military folks were using, showing images of a gentle tide rolling in on a sun drenched beach.  The next presentation was from State -- I know, right? -- on our diplomatic efforts.  But that huge screen in the backdrop kept rolling.  Soon it showed a view of a luxury hi-rise nestling behind palms trees with the sign, get this, Playa del Trump.  So, I'm thinking, sure this is kind of over-the-top, but who says national security and business can't mix?  The guy from State finally sits down, and Ivanka steps forward and tells us, 'I know you have been given a lot of information to take in, but here's one more thing to consider: 6-week packages for ocean-side suites at Playa del Trump are now going for $150,000.  If you don't act fast, you may live to regret it.'  There was a little grumbling, then Donald Jr. shouted out, 'For the first 20 Senators who sign up there's a 10% discount.  Just mention the code 'Doomsday2017' when you speak with our business agent.'"  When asked if he still thought this marriage of state and private business was acceptable, Senator  Barasso replied, "Can't talk now.  I need to run this by the Missus before I sign a contract." 

Volleyball Diplomacy

In a hallway around the corner from the Oval Office

Aide 1:  Hey, have you seen Mrs. Kushner?

Aide 2:  No, I'm not sure where she is.  Why?

Aide 1:  I was hoping she could talk to her father.

Aide 2:  Sounds important.  What's going on?

Aide 1:  I'll tell you what's going on.  He heard about that story in the Post that said how our satellite imagery seems to show the North Koreans playing volleyball at the nuclear test site.  So now he wants to send the US volleyball team to North Korea and challenge them to a match, teach them a lesson.

Aide 2:  What?  Come on.  Maybe he was kidding.  Don't you think he knows that ...

Aide 1:  ... that the US volleyball team isn't a government body?  That he can't order them into a hostile zone like they're military?  No, he doesn't know that.  He even said he wants the name of any players who are afraid to go so he can make sure they never play for the national team again.

Aide 2:  This is bad.  So what are you going to do?

Aide 1:  I was hoping that Ivanka, I mean, Mrs. Kushner, could explain it to him.  Unless you'd like to have stab at it.

Aide 2:  That's okay.  But we need to find her quick.

Aide 1:  You're telling me.  How long do think it will be before he notices this is gone?

Aide 2:  Oh my God!  Is that his phone?  How did you get that?

Aide 1:  I slipped it off the corner of his desk.  I had to think quick.  Do want him tweeting "I just ordered the US volleyball team to North Korea"? 

Aide 2:  That would be pretty bad.

(Shouting from the distance):  Hey, where's my phone?

Aide 1:  Gotta go.  I'll tell him I mistook it, or something.  Just find Ivanka, now!

Trump to Kim: Who Doesn't Love a Parade?

President Donald Trump's congratulatory call to Turkish President Recep Erdogan on the occasion of the Turkish referendum  that expanded Erdogan's power raised some eyebrows among those who saw the result as a blow to democratic constitutional rule in Turkey.  It turns out that this call was not his only communication with a controversial world leader this week.  A White House source provided the following communiqué but could not confirm if it was the final draft:

Dear Jong-Un,

That's right, isn't it?  I mean you Koreans put your last name first, right?  Anyway, I just wanted to dash off a quick note to say, what a tremendous parade I just saw on the television! I haven't seen so many people get together to show their love for a great leader since my inauguration.  Did they show that over there?  Only they wouldn't let me have missiles like I wanted.  You don't know how lucky you are.  It's too bad that we have this whole beef over nuclear weapons, because I have a feeling we would be great friends.  And hey, the way you took care of that annoying brother of yours -- so cool!  If we ever get together maybe you can whisper in my ear how you did it just in case Tiffany ever gets out of line.  But listen, maybe you could be a sport and put the brakes on the whole weapons and missile thing.  Just so you know, that whole thing about us sending an armada over to scare you -- total bluff.  I don't know where they are.  I'm not even sure what an armada is.  So I hope that Vladimir is able to set up a meeting some time soon. 

Sayonara (Ivanka tried to tell me this isn't Korean)

Trump

Ivanka the Enforcer

DT:  Pumpkin, could you come in for a minute?

IK: Sure, Dad, I mean, sure Mr. President.  President Dad.  Oh boy, this is so cool!  Didn't I tell you it would be great if you gave my own office?

DT:  Yeah, you did, listen honey ...

IK: And you know what's even better?  I told Tiffany that it's not me but White House security that blocks her calls.

DT:  You be nice to your sister.

IK: Half .. sister.

DT:  Okay, but listen, I thought it would be a good idea if you popped in to Steve's office.  I don't think he ever saw your photos from Aspen.

IK: You mean Mr. Bannon?

DT:  Yeah.

IK: But he has the NSC meeting coming up.  Even I know that and I don't really work here.

DT:  That's not a problem.  And  maybe while you're in there you might mention that he's off the NSC.

IK: WHAT?

DT:  He's off the NSC.  If you could just work that into the conversation it would be great.  Just make it quick.

IK: No way!  He can get so mean.  And he smells funny.  Why don't you tell him?

DT:  Maybe I could, but ... [quickly grabs telephone]  What's that?  A crisis you need me to fix?  Right away?

IK: Dad!  I can tell that no one called.  Come on, I don't want to do this.

DT:  You're the one who wanted to work here so bad, remember?  I tell you what, do this and I send you on some special mission to Paris.  How about that?

IK: Okay.  I'll do it.  It's too bad you sent Jared off to Iraq, or Iran, or whatever.  He could do it.

DT:  Listen, sweetheart, about Jared ...

The Trumps Catch Up

Eric:  Dad?  I know we're not supposed to have much contact -- conflicts of interest, and all -- but I wanted to know the great news.  We're going to have a baby!

Donald:  That is great news.  Congratulations, son.

Eric:  I understand if you don't have much time to talk, but as long as I have you on the line, how did that hearing go?  You know, the one on Russia.

Donald:  Are you kidding?  It went great, but, um ...  I was just thinking.  What's more important than family?  Right?  Maybe I should just quit this job while I'm ahead so I can help take care of that new grandchild. 

Eric:  What?  You can't be serious.  First, of all, if you're worried about family, maybe you could start be spending some time with Barron.

Donald:  Who?

Eric:  Your son -- Barron, remember?  Wife No. 3? 

Donald:  Of course.  Of course.  I thought you meant that real Baron who used to live in Palm Beach.  Hey, Barron's doing great, but how often do I get to spoil a grandchild?

Eric:  Oh yeah?  Okay, grandpa, what are Ivanka's childrens' names?

Donald:  Um, don't tell me it's ... it's ... something from the Bible ... wait ....

Eric:  How about Tiffany?  What's her baby's name?

Donald:  Beauregard?

Eric:  Tiffany doesn't have a baby!  Come on, Dad, tell me what's going on. 

Donald:  Okay, maybe this is a little tougher than I was expecting, but really hoping to get back to ... family.  Yeah, back to spending more time with the family.  And by the way, I see the new Forbes list came out ...

Eric:  Shhhh. Remember Dad, no business.  Anyway, great chat, gotta run. 

Donald, To a dead phone, despairingly: ... down $1 Billion.

Trump Admits to Sometimes Mixing Up Billions and Millions

During the presidential campaign, many observers suggested that Donald Trump greatly exaggerated his personal wealth.  On the heels of his blockbuster budget proposal, Trump admitted to Fox News’s Sean Hannity that he often mixes up billions, with a ‘b,’ and millions.  “Hey, when you’re as rich as me, I mean millions? billions?  Who knows. That’s why we pay the accountants.”  Still, Trump was disconcerted when following news reports on his own budget.  “I kept asking myself, did I mean to cut that much?  Let’s face it, this budget really screws a few agencies.  Maybe I really meant to take $11 million from State?  Oh well, too late now.”

Trump Can't Remember TurboTax Password

The White House

The shock release of fragments from Donald Trump’s 2005 tax returns has rekindled a question that has plagued the president for the past year: "what is my TurboTax password?  Melianiac …  Ivankiada …  Trumpeter … it’s gotta be one of these!”  According to Trump, there is a simple reason why he has not released his tax returns for the past two decades: “I forgot my TurboTax password.  For years it was simple, ‘TheDonald,’ but then I saw this story on ID theft that said you should change your passwords frequently, so I changed my TurboTax to … to … dammit!”  Trump understands the skepticism that he would use an online tax service rather than a high-powered accounting firm to do his taxes.  “Remember, there’s one flat fee.  It doesn’t matter if you’re a loser who makes under $100K a year – are there really still people like that? – or a brilliant businessman who pulls in $200M in a year – AFTER writedowns.  You think that’s how it works on Wall Street?”  Trump now wishes he had just written down the new password.  “But you’re not supposed to write down your passwords, right?

White House Sets Wish List for Future WikiLeaks Revelations

Jon Huntsman, soon to be nominated to as the United States’ next ambassador to the Russian Federation, described a bizarre interview with Steve Bannon, presidential consigliere, that consisted primarily of Bannon going over President Donald Trump’s needs for technical assistance:

This is how the interview got started:  he says, ‘Snapchat, have you heard of it?’  And I said, of course, I’ve heard of it, I’m just not sure what it is.  And he says, ‘The President would really like to establish a Snapchat presence, to help with the younger voters.’  I didn’t know why he’s telling me this, but after a few awkward moments he says, ‘Well, sometime when you’re in your office, especially if you’re standing by the window overlooking the courtyard, you might want to say out loud, “President Trump would like instructions on how to use SnapChat – but remember that he’s a 70-year old man.”’  I was hoping that we were going to talk about Crimea after that, or maybe ISIS, but then he tells me, ‘And the next time you happen to be standing there, at the window overlooking the courtyard – preferably by the bonsai tree, you might think to say, “President Trump would like to know what settings he should use with his Samsung phone to take photos at night – but remember that he’s a 70-year old man.”’  After that it was casting to a second screen, saving Google searches, and, oddly, finding out Alexa’s true identity.

Huntsman is expected to receive Senate approval easily with bipartisan support.

New Visa for Immigrant Models

Despite the Trump Administration's controversial plans to restrict immigration and strengthen American border controls as part of the President's broader plan to revive the US economy, the Administration apparently recognizes the value to American business and society provided by one special class of immigrants: models.  "Look, no one loves American women more than me, believe me," commented President Trump, "but let's face it, some of those foreign gals can really move some magazines when they're on the cover."  Consequently, the President signed an executive order creating a new DDD visa for foreign models.  "But this will be based on merit," added the President, "no dogs!  And we might need an age limit."  For some unexplained reason, the White House press release noted that the executive order includes a waiver for foreign nationals to receive payment for modeling in the US without proper work authorization, retroactive to 1995.

NASA Scientist Enlisted to Review First Son's Homework

Paul Scott has endured some nervous moments since the election in November.  As lead scientist in the NASA office that analyzes satellite images of the earth, he has been at the center of controversy over the role of government agencies in studying climate change.  "We were basically shut down on January 22.  We come to work, and we still go through the motions, but were told not to publish anything until further notice.  I mean, we used to issue two or three briefings a day.  And we were always tweeting links to new images."  So it was strange last week when the acting division director called him in to say that he had an assignment straight from the White House.  "All Arvid knew was that they wanted me to review something.  So I'm thinking, do they want me to sign off on some statement that there's no reliable evidence for global warming?"  Later that day, a Secret Service agent arrived at NASA headquarters and escorted Scott into a private room.  "I could only open the envelope in front of him."  The envelope included one hand-written page, along with instructions not to mark the page but to note corrections using a sticky note -- the Secret Service agent promptly produced a pad.  "It took me a moment to figure out that this looked like a little kid's science homework.  There was this title 'Our Friends the Stars,' it was printed in pencil, and the writing was uneven.  I thought kids used computers these days!  But, it was just a pretty straightforward description of the solar system.  I just wrote a note about how, technically, these are planets, not stars, and explained how most astronomers no longer consider Uranus to be a planet, but other than that, gold star."   The Secret Service agent resealed the envelope and hurried out of the room, breaking into a full sprint in the hallway.  "I guess it was nice to feel useful, but I'd prefer it if they would just let us do our job."

Daily Intelligence Brief Now Includes First Lady's Country of Birth

An inside source divulged that President Trump's daily intelligence brief always begins with the phrase "Melania is from SLOVENIA."  According to the source, the President has frequently stumbled over this basic information of his wife's biography.  "The final straw was at a dinner for big RNC contributors and one guy let's on that he's from Savannah.  The president's eyes lit up and he says, 'Hey, that's where my wife's from too!  Melania!  Where are you?  You have to meet this guy!'  Needless to say, the First Lady was not happy."  On other occasions the president has identified his wife's birth country as Slovakia -- possibly mistaking it for the native country of one of his previous wives, Sardinia, and "Sylvania."  "Once he said Somalia, but even he caught himself on that one."  Another source confirmed the story and hinted that this is part the president's efforts to convince his wife to smile more.  "Now, if we could only get him to read it."

From the Annals of Patent Law

Dave?  It’s Scott.  Did I catch you at a bad time?  Great.  I had this really interesting case come in that I wanted to bounce off you.  Yeah, that’s right, an interesting patent case!  Okay, get this, the client wants to patent a number.  Have you ever heard of that?  No, it’s not part of any catchphrase, just a number.  Yes, I’ve heard of ’84 Lumber,’ that’s a number and a word.  This guy just wants a number, so that I guess everyone would have to pay him if the say that name in public.  No, it’s not like ‘Lebron23!’  Are you listening, just a number.  No, I don’t even know who this guy is, but he must have deep pockets because the firm has three partners researching this.  What number?  If it makes a difference – 45.

Strong Words Fail to Topple Trump

When local community college student Chris Hayes walked into “Writing Basics” class Tuesday morning he sensed that history was in the making.  “I just saw a headline on Huffington Post: ‘Bill Moyers destroys Trump on Immigration.’  Destroyed!  I mean it’s not like yesterday when he was owned by Jon Stewart and slammed by Amy Schumer.  Destroyed!  I just assumed that Trump would have to resign.”  Hayes would have followed the news during class but Professor Hawkins is a “real dick” about smart phones.  “So when I walked out a class I ran over to the TV in the lobby that always runs CNN.  I was sure they’d be live from the White House talking about when Pence – it’s Pence, right? – would become President.  Instead, there’s some story about flu shots.”  When asked what it was about Moyers’ comments that were so damaging, Hayes admitted he pretty much just reads the headlines.  “I guess I should get going to Psych.”

An Evening with the Spicers

"Hello, Mrs. Spicer, this is Mrs. Kroft, the principal at your son's school."
"Oh my, is something wrong?"
"I hope not, it's just that his behavior has been a little strange lately."
"Really?  How?"
"Well his teachers tell me that he has become disruptive.  If the teacher tells the class that 2+2=4, he will just yell out, 'no, it's 5.'  If the teacher tells them that the Declaration of Independence was issued in 1776, he will yell out, 'no, I'm sure it was earlier.'  It's becoming a real problem.  I'm sure it's just a phase, but I hope you will talk to him."
"You can count on it."
Mrs. Spicer puts down the phone and that moment hears her husband Sean walk in the door after a hard day at the White House.  She repeats what the principal told her and asks her husband to talk to her son.
Mr. Spicer goes to his son's room.
"Son, what's this I hear about you just yelling out in class while the teacher's talking, and that you said 2+2=5 and that the Declaration of Independence was not issued in 1776.  Is that true?"
"Yes, sir."
"How many times do I have to tell that you need to raise your hand before you speak in class?"
"It won't happen again, dad."
"Okay.  Good talk.  Let's eat."

Mystery of Low Inauguration Turnout Explained

As Washington smirked over photos of empty podiums during the inaugural parade and the Trump Administration invoked "alternative facts" to defend its crowd estimates, an unpleasant surprise awaited Melania Trump when she returned to her apartment in New York and found several large boxes in the foyer.  "Oh no, the invitations!  How could I have forgotten?"  In fact, in the weeks since the election the new First Lady rarely appeared outside Trump Towers because she was hard at work in her first duty as presidential spouse, personally addressing and stamping thousands of invitations to her husband's most loyal supporters around the country.  "Donald's in the hospitality business, so he knows how important the personal touch is.  And he always said I have nice penmanship.  I was sure I asked one of Donald's new assistants to drop them by the post office."  Here, Mrs. Trump nervously pointed at one of her husband's Secret Service detail.  She continued, in a whisper, "They're such snobs.  They think they're too good to accept a tip."

Bowling Green Man Can't Wait for TrumpCare

A Bowling Green (Ky.) man who asked to be identified as “Harvey” expressed relief at President-Elect Trump’s announcement that under his health insurance plan everyone would be covered.  “Oh that Donald, he took it down to the wire, but I’d knew he would come through.”  Harvey explained that he currently depends on an ACA-subsidized plan to cover the care and medication for his Hepatitis C.  “Thank God, Trump is getting rid of that Obamacare.  Man, I felt like a slave.  All those forms Cindy [Harvey’s wife] had to fill out, and the premiums, just shoot me.”  Harvey was unimpressed to learn that the cost of his medication alone cost over $100K.  Asked how much his premiums were, Harvey pled ignorance.  “Cindy writes all the checks.  She’s the quiet type, so she doesn’t complain too much, but I can tell they’re steep.”  Harvey was equally hard pressed to explain what makes him think the Trump plan will provide the same level of care at a lower price.  “You media types just don’t get it.  Donald Trump is a friend of the working man.  If he says health insurance for everyone, that means everyone will be able to afford it.”

Trump Still Unaware that 'Women March' is a Protest

On the eve of his improbable inauguration as the nation's 45th president, Donald Trump is still under the impression that the 'Million Women March on Washington,' planned for the following day is intended as a protest against his inauguration, according to his aides.  "No kidding.  It's actually kind of creepy.  He seems to think that this is some kind of mass apology from American women for all their 'vicious attacks' during the campaign -- his words."  Trump was even considering staying in Washington over the weekend so he could attend the event rather than going to New York, but his staff was able to convince him that the Secret Service had not verified the security.  "You wouldn't believe it.  He really expected to just show up, recycle a couple of Hillary jokes, make a couple remarks about what 'classy dames' they were, then soak in the applause from a million women -- though he's pretty sure more than a million will show up."  "But what am I going to do?" Mr. Trump was quoted as saying, "the 'ball-and-chain' wants me to go to New York."

Youngstown Socialist Ready to Rally the Working Class

David Green, secretary and last dues-paying member of the Socialist Workers Party in Youngstown, was ecstatic hear a report on NPR that included interviews with workers from the local G.M. plant who complained that the elite does not understand the working class.  “I couldn’t believe it!  The last time I tried to hand out flyers there some guy called me a ‘pinko fag’ and knocked over my card table while his friends just stood there and laughed.  That was just a year ago!”  Green realizes that he needs to instill a revolutionary spirit into this rudimentary class consciousness while it’s fresh.  “They’re not going to master the dialectic right away, so I thought I’d form a reading circle where we went over the classics – the Manifesto, of course, maybe Anti-Dühring, or Anti-Sanders, as I call it.”  Feeling no need to explain this reference, Green looked through his papers for the address to On the Barricades Press, to see what they had in stock.  “I knew this day would come!  I just printed out these flyers to announce the first meeting.”  Notified that the meeting time conflicted with the Super Bowl, thus would probably attract few actual workers, Green’s enthusiasm was undiminished.  “Great!  This will show me who the most conscious workers are. Our Central Committee will be set.”

Melania Trump Reaches Out to Hillary Clinton

As the world was agog over the allegations contained in the so-called Russian Dossier, the soon-to-be northern First Lady Melania Trump decided this week to invite Hillary Clinton for lunch in a little publicized gesture.  According to Mrs. Trump, this had little to do with healing the bitter partisan spirit left over from the recent campaign between her husband and Mrs. Clinton.  "No, I just want a little girl talk.  We have so much in common -- she was First Lady, I'm about to be First Lady, sort of; she lives in New York, I live in New York; we're both mothers; I'm a model, she's famous for her pant suits; and, ..., no, that's it."  When asked if she discussed this with her husband Mrs. Trump said "No" immediately, before nervously adding, "He's so busy now, right?  Why bother him with my silly lunch plans?"  Trump will be happy to leave the choice of venue to Clinton.  "I'm sure she knows a quiet little place where we can sit around and talk about life, our children, lawyers, ..., oh, she is a lawyer, right?"

Could Stolen Towel Trip up Trump?

Ever since being briefed that Russian intelligence operatives claim to have compromising material on him, President-elect Donald Trump has held a series of urgent meetings with his closest advisers speculating what that material might be.  What they know is that this kompromat does not include his history of discriminatory housing practices, multiple bankruptcies, reputation for cheating contractors, mockery of the handicapped, race-baiting, misogyny, or general vulgarity.  So far, Trump's best guess is that this material might involve a momentary lapse in judgement while visiting Moscow for the 2013 Miss Universe Pageant. "Normally when I travel, I own the hotel, literally, so I don't care what I stuff in my suitcase.  When I got back to New York I remember unpacking and I pulled out this towel with blue and white trim that said 'Hotel Metropole.'  I thought, holy crap, I should return this.  But then I had this big meeting to go over my taxes and it just slipped my mind."  The President-elect sent his soon-to-be counterpart Vladimir Putin an email asking about the stories but has yet to receive a reply.  "I guess he's busy tying up loose ends in Syria -- Syria, right?" 

Foreign State Behind Streep's Film Career?

Donald Trump's transition team suggested this morning that Meryl Streep's overrated reputation as an actress maybe the result of foreign meddling in American film criticism.  "This goes back decades," commented Trump spokeswoman Kellyanne Conway.  "The fact that a middling actress, albeit with a knack for affecting foreign accents, has earned such an elevated status and been nominated for so many of the film industry's most prestigious rewards shows the calculated efforts of a foreign power determined to undermine America's aesthetic judgement."  The Trump camp has been hard-pressed to name a foreign state that would have had any particular interest in promoting Ms. Streep's career, or undermining America's aesthetic judgement, but Conway promised that President-elect Trump will hold a press conference "very soon" where he will identify the foreign power that "inflicted Meryl Streep American film-going public.   Conway had no comment on the veracity of a story that appeared on Breitbart this morning under the headline, "Kim Jong-Un Congratulates 'Soul-mate' Streep on her Golden Globe Lifetime Achievement Reward."

Trump Family Spends Quiet Weekend Binge-Watching 'War and Peace'

President-Elect Donald Trump and his family eschewed the bright lights this weekend, preferring to stay in and watch War and Peace videos.  "Can you believe my luck?  My Secret Santa gave me a boxed set of the digitally enhanced Bondarchuk version, all seven hours.  You don't get cheated with this one."  The President-Elect showed a surprising familiarity with the many film versions of the Tolstoy classic.  "The King Vidor version?  What a joke!  I mean Audrey Hepburn was a classy lady, but Natasha Rostova?  Garbage."  Mr. Trump has a definite preference for the Russian versions.  "Hearing the Russian just brings it home, even if you have read all that tiny writing.  And Bondarchuk just has all the grandeur that I think Tolstoy had in mind, you know, before he became a loser and gave all his money away."  During dialog between Pierre Bezukhov and Platon Karataev, Trump turned and asked his wife Melania if the translation was accurate.  Mrs. Trump looked up from her knitting as if she wanted to make a point before mumbling, "Yes, Donald."

Hillary Clinton Warily Logs In For First Time Since Election

Claiming that she just couldn't "find the time," Hillary Clinton finally sat down last weekend and logged into her Dell Inspiron for the first time since the election.  After momentarily forgetting her password, she checked the index card in her desk and remembered that it was GoldwaterGrrl, not GoldwaterGirl.  As the machine whirred and beeped, Clinton nervously glanced around and had the uncomfortable impression that the lights dimmed.  "Need to make sure my Norton Utilities are current.  That's important."  Her immediate concern was to log into her Yahoo account so that she did not lose her username.  "I couldn't believe Grandma_in-Chief wasn't taken!"  Not surprisingly, an avalanche of messages had accumulated in the intervening months.  "I wish I knew how I keep these ads from showing up in my Inbox.  Look at this one, why does 'Tanya from Omsk' want to get to know me?  That's crazy."  After opening a couple of e-cards, Clinton closed her email and checked the Orbis site for their post-holiday clearance sale.

Volunteer Rest Room Monitor Arrested - Claims "Misunderstanding"

Norman Simpkins was arrested when he was caught installing a video camera in the ceiling vent of the women's rest room at the Springfield Friendly's Restaurant.  Ignoring his attorney's advice to refrain from commenting, Simpkins wanted readers to know that it was all a misunderstanding.  "Don't the police get it?  I'm on their side.  I'm just trying to keep the ladies safe.  The second one of those sickos show up, you know, the ones who put on a dress and call themselves Mary Lou, I'll call the police right away."  When asked if this meant he would be monitoring the video feed around the clock.  Simpkins sheepishly replied, "Uh-huh."  Simpkins attorney, Harold Grover, stepped in to halt the interview before Simpkins could say whether he had installed similar security surveillance in other women's rest rooms.  Grover added that any other possible previous arrests, which may or may not have resulted in Simpkins having to register as a Sex Offender, were also due to "Misunderstandings."

Mayor Faces Recall After Token Expression of Racial Tolerance

Mayor David Rowe of Mt. Airy, North Carolina, found himself of a flash recall campaign after a Washington Post profile of the city claimed that "He wouldn’t ... want to go back to the days when there were separate water fountains at the local Sears for whites and blacks."  The effort is being led by Mt. Airy native Darrell Peavy who thinks that Rowe is abandoning the conservative principles that he ran on.  "A fancy northern reporter asks him a question and he goes all soft."  Peavy was quick to point out that the recall isn't about race.  "I just do need the government telling who can or can't use the water fountain, or which water fountain, in my business."  In his case, Peavy runs a print shop that just came out with a commemorative inaugural issue of "Whites Only" signs.  When asked for comment, Mayor Rowe noted that his office plans no new regulations on water fountains.

Vassar Student Returns from Study-Abroad to Find Her Julian Assange Poster Defaced

January 5, 2017

When Dakota C...... decided to travel directly to campus after spending 4 months doing an anthropology internship on a remote Javan island she was looking forward to a return to civilization.  Instead, upon entering her dorm suite she found that someone had drawn a Hitler mustache on her Julian Assange poster and scrawled “Rat Bastard!” beneath.  “Really?  4 months with no Internet, no toilet paper.  I haven’t even had a chance to charge my phone yet.  And I come back to this?  Uncool.”  She is pretty sure which of her 3 roommates is responsible.  “It was probably Heather.  I explained to her that the sexual assault charges were all part of a CIA plot, but she just rolled her eyes.”  Dakota hopes that she and Heather can patch things up so they can get to work on their inauguration party.  “A woman president!  Never thought I’d see it.”