Wednesday, September 25, 2019

House Democrats Ask Putin for Call Transcript

Washington, DC
September 25, 2019

In an effort to get a complete picture of what transpired during the now infamous telephone call between U.S. president Donald Trump and Ukrainian president Volodomyr Zelensky, the Democratic leadership of the House Judiciary Committee took the extraordinary step of asking the Russian government to turn over whatever tapes, transcripts, or analyses that it may have collected from the call.

“May have?  Come on, this is their back yard.  They probably had more bugs in that room than … than … well, more bugs than in my back yard.”
“But aren’t you satisfied with the transcript that the White House produced?”
“Transcript?  Please.  Did you notice how they show Trump speaking in whole sentences?  Give me a break.”
“I see what you mean.  But still, do you expect the Russians to comply?  After all, a lot of people think they see President Trump as an intelligence asset.”
“After this the Russians no longer see President Trump as an intelligence asset.”
“What makes you say that?”
“One of our agents in Moscow reported that Putin called Trump a ‘horse’s ass’ in a call with Medvedev yesterday.  He didn’t even bother to use a secure line.”

Thursday, September 19, 2019

Trump Gets Iran Instructions


White House (Washington, DC) – Kremlin (Moscow)
September 19, 2019

TRUMP: (Anxiously)  Vlad, Vlad, is that you?  Are you there?
PUTIN: (Icily)  Yes, Donald, I am here.  What do you want?
TRUMP: I’ve been calling for days, and, they keep telling me that you can’t come to the phone?
PUTIN: I have been busy, Donald.  Now what do you want?
TRUMP: It’s this whole Iran mess, Vlad, I don’t know what to do?
PUTIN: (Ironically) Oh, so you’re asking me what to do?
TRUMP: Of course, Vlad, who else can I trust?
PUTIN: Well, from what I read in your tweets, you get your foreign policy advice now from that Saudi prince with the flashy name.  Why don’t you ask him?
TRUMP: Oh, Mohammed.  He and Jared are good friends, but I don’t know if I can trust him.  I mean, he told me there was no proof that his agents offed that guy in their embassy, then it turns out it was practically streamed live.  I know you’re the only person I can trust.
PUTIN: Do you really trust me, Donald?
TRUMP: I sure do, Vlad.
PUTIN: If you really trust me you will do what I say, right away.  Will you do that, Donald?
TRUMP: Okay.
PUTIN: Bomb.  Cruise missiles, drones, artillery, planes.  Hit Iran hard.
TRUMP: Really, won’t that start a war, I mean, we’re finally pulling out of the Gulf.
PUTIN: Don’t make me laugh, Donald, when Iran sees this strong response, they will back down right away.  I promise.  (Snickering in background)
TRUMP: But won’t that send oil prices through the roof?
PUTIN: I don’t think so, Donald.  Nobody wants to see oil prices go up. (Puts finger to lips to suppress laughter in room)
TRUMP: Okay, just let me get one of those generals on the line.  Thanks, again, Vlad.  And Vlad, have I ever told you …
PUTIN: Yes, I know, Donald, you think it is “really cool” that I let you call me Vlad and Melania sends her best.  Now hurry up and make that call.