Trump-Putin: The Lost Translator's Notes (Vol. 7)

 Palm Beach-Moscow

January 31, 2021

Trump:  Vlad?  Are you there?
Putin:  Yes.  Listen, Donald, how did you get this number?
Trump:  It wasn’t easy – and by the way, I just want to say again how cool it is that you let me call you Vlad.
Putin:  Actually, Donald, maybe it would be more appropriate if you started to address me as Vladimir Vladimirovich. 
Trump:  [Haltingly] Well, um, I guess I could try to call you, um, how’s that again?
Putin:  It’s all coming back to me.  Maybe we’d better stick to Vlad – for now. What is it, Donald?  How are you enjoying your retirement? 
Trump:  [Nervously] Retirement, heh-heh.  Good one, Vlad.
Putin:  No.  Seriously.  I heard that you are retired now. 
Trump:  Come on, Vlad.  I mean, I’m sorry -- again -- how I let you down in the election, but I wouldn’t say I’m retired.  I was just calling to see when would be a good time for Don Jr. to fly to Moscow. 
Putin:  Your son wants to see Moscow?  I don’t know, Donald, maybe you haven’t heard that the stupid Chinese virus is still hitting us pretty hard.  Maybe Don Jr. could come next year?  He could bring the kids.    
Trump:  No, this isn’t a pleasure trip.  Don’t tell me you forgot how you told me once I was out of office that you would give the green light for a Trump hotel the heart of Moscow.  You promised me a view of the Kremlin from the top twenty floors.  I thought it would be a good idea for Jr. to lay some of the groundwork with your people.   
Putin:  Actually, Donald, are you sure you have the financing for a new hotel in Moscow?
Trump:  Well, Vlad, I was hoping that you might be able to ….
Putin:  Sorry, Donald.  Have you heard about this Navalny fellow?  It’s like he has a video camera in my credit card.  So I’m afraid my people won’t be able to help you. 
Trump:  Ah, jeez.  I was really counting on that.  But, hey, I’ve never had a problem coming up with money.  So, should I tell Jr that … 
Putin:  Not so fast, Donald.  What about that $238 million note from DeutscheBank due in April?  And I hear your DC hotel lost $17.3 million last year?  And aren’t memberships at Mar-A-Lago ….
Trump:  Hey, how do you know so much about my finances?  If I didn’t know better I’d think you had a bug in my accountants office.  He-he, but that would be crazy, right Vlad?  Vlad?  Are you still there?
[Silence]
Putin:  Oh, sorry, Donald.  I have to run.  I’m building … I mean, a friend is building a little place on the Black Sea and there’s a problem with the tiles. 
Trump:  Hey, Vlad, I get it.  I only hope you can pay this kind of attention to my hotel. 
Putin:  Your what?  Oh, right.  Just let me know when you clear up your debts and we’ll talk. 
Trump:  But, Vlad, that could be a while.    
Putin:  Chin up, Donald.  I’m sure you’ll figure something out.  And don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll patch things up with Melania. 
[Line goes dead]
Trump:  [Turns] Sorry, son, looks like the trip to Moscow is off for a while.  Hey, what did he mean "patch things up with Melania"? 
Putin:  [Angrily] Who gave him this number?    

Trump Still Willing to Take Buyout

 The White House
January 10, 2021
 
Trump:  Come on in, Jared.  
Kushner:  Thank you, sir.
Trump:  I’ve come to a big decision.  I’m ready to walk away from all this, as long as we can come up with a figure.
Kushner:  [Visibly relieved.]  Oh, thank you, sir.  I was afraid to raise the question – especially after you threw a paperweight at Mr. Meadows the other day.  But really, at this point, resigning is probably best for the country – and for you!  Especially for you.
Trump:  Yeah, I think I’ve done all I can do anyway, and it looks like that witch Pelosi has talked the Joints Chief out my raid on Iran.  God, that would have been great. 
Kushner:  It certainly would have, sir.  Now, about that figure, I think we should move quickly, no more than a couple of days.
Trump:  A couple of days, 5 days – I don’t care as long as I get paid.  But I need to have my numbers straight.  I was thinking of asking for $100 million, but I’d probably settle for $50 million.  Think Pelosi will go for that?
Kushner:  [Confused] Sir, $50 million for what, exactly?
Trump:  My buyout, what else?  That’s the way it’s always worked.  When I stop making money from some deal, or when it just starts to become a pain in the keyster, I take off, but not before I secure some big buyout, for, you know, compensation.
Kushner:  But, sir, you have already been compensated.  You receive a salary.
Trump:  A few hundred K a year? That barely covers Earl’s allowance.
Kushner:  Earl, sir?
Trump:  My son.
Kushner:  You mean Barron?
Trump:  [Thinks for a second] Yeah, that's him.  Sweet kid.  Melania’s.
Kushner:  And besides that, sir, given the general mood in the country right now it’s not like you have a lot of leverage.  Congress is ready to impeach you -- again -- and I’m pretty sure that Mr. Pence would have gotten the remaining Cabinet members to declare you unfit for office if they didn’t keep avoiding his call.  I’m afraid your best option right now would be to resign and leave the city as quickly and quietly as possible.
Trump:  Quietly!  Why you … you … [rummages frantically among papers no desk]
Kushner:  Sir, would like me to find your paperweight so you can throw it at me? 
Trump: [Calms down] Forget it.  If I’m not getting a buyout I might as well go on being President.  Besides, Melania hasn’t finished picking which paintings she wants to keep. 
Kushner:  Paintings, sir?  
Trump:  Yeah, I know I called this place a dump, but there actually some really classy paintings here that will look great at Mar-a-Lago.  Besides, um, um, Barron – right? – has already drawn mustaches on some of them. 
Kushner:  [Nervously] Actually, sir, technically – but only in a strictly legal sense – those paintings don’t belong … which is to say, they, um … um…  [Turns and sprints for door]
Trump:  Geez, what’s his rush?  I guess he hasn’t picked any paintings out for himself.