Trump Willing to Discuss a Buyout

Breaking the Deadlock?

Breaking the Deadlock?

The White House

January 12, 2019 (Day 22 of the Government Shutdown)

Trump:  Come on in.  Mulvaney isn’t around to discuss this, so maybe you just take some notes and pass them along.

Aide:  Yes, sir.

Trump:  I’ve come to a big decision.  I’m ready to walk away from all this, as long as we can come up with a figure.

Aide:  Understood.  This is probably for the best, sir.

Trump:  Yeah, me too.  Now should we approach about this?

Aide:  I assume the congressional leadership.  Who else would it be, sir?

Trump:  Oh no, Pelosi?  Having to deal with her is one of the reasons I’m doing this.  But if I have to, I’ll give her a call.  But I need to have my numbers straight.  I was thinking of asking for $50 million, but I’d probably settle for $25 million.  Think she’ll go for that?

Aide:  Are you kidding, sir?  I’m sure as soon as Speaker Pelosi learns that you are ready to back down from that $5 billion for the Wall the government up and running in no time.

Trump:  $5 billlion?  Wall?  Government?  You’re not getting in it.  I’m talking about my buyout.  That’s the way it’s always worked.  When I stop making money from some deal, or when it just starts to become a pain in the keester, I take off, but not before I secure some big buyout, for, you know, compensation.

Aide:  But, sir, you have already been compensated.  You receive a salary.

Trump:  A few hundred K a year? That barely covers Earl’s allowance.

Aide:  Earl, sir?

Trump:  My son.

Aide:  You mean Barron?

Trump:  [Thinks for a second] Yeah, that's him.  Sweet kid.  Melania’s.

Aide:  And besides that, sir.  I’m not sure the congressional leadership, the Supreme Court, or anyone, sees being President of the United States as a “deal,” but as a constitutional responsibility.  The only way you could leave office would be to resign, with no buyout, or if you were to be imp—

Trump:  Shut up!  I know.  Giulliani has been over that.  Dammit, why did Cohen turn out to be a rat.  He always handled these things.

Aide:  So, sir, should I …?

Trump: Forget it.  If I’m not getting a buyout I’d might as well go on being President.  And by the way, you seem to know a lot about the constitution.  What kind of a lawyer are you?

Aide:  Lawyer, sir?  Actually, until last week I was parking cars, but then I won a contest run by our local Fox News station where the grand prize was a job at the White House.

Trump:  What?

Aide:  That’s right, sir.  According to the lady who filled out my paperwork, they’re having trouble finding people who want to work here.