Putin: I Feel Vindicated

Moscow, Russian Federation

April 19, 2019

As might be expected, the release of the Mueller Report was met with great expectation in the offices of the President of the Russian Federation Vladimir Putin.  We had an opportunity to speak with one of President Putin’s advisors.

-        So, the Mueller Report is finally public.  Tell me, is President Putin happy?

-        More than happy.  Ecstatic.  I have not seen him like this in a long time.

-        Really?  Many Americans think the report portrays Russia in a bad light.  Why is President Putin so happy?

-        To understand, you have to remember that before he became President, Vladimir Vladimirovich had a long career in counterintelligence.

-        I hadn’t forgotten, but go on.

-        Okay.  So the worst thing about that job, besides having to meet contacts at all hours of the night in disgusting places, is that you never get credit for your work.  You could say – how do you Americans put it – it comes with the territory, but it still gets frustrating.

-        And what does that have to do with the Mueller Report?

-        Didn’t you read it?  It is basically a testimonial to the Russian intelligence services.

-        And he is happy with that?

-        Oh, yes.  Ever since your Mr. Barr made his announcement that there would be no charges and Mr. Trump has been tweeting “No collusion” every 5 minutes, people around the world have started to doubt that Russia really helped Mr. Trump win the election.

-        And how do you know this?

-        Just last week, Frau Merkel called to apologize for doubting him.  It was humiliating.

-        But now?

-        Now, he feels – how do you Americans put it? – ah yes, vindicated.  Totally vindicated.

-        But you told me a few minutes ago that Mr. Putin was a little anxious about the report.  Why was that?

-        He was afraid that your Mr. Barr was going to edit out all the good stuff.

-        And he didn’t.

-        Well, let’s not say all the good stuff.

Trump: The "new" Notre Dame Will Have Condominiums

Paris, France

April 15, 2019

Aide:  President Macron, I am afraid that I have some more bad news.  Mr. Trump is on the phone.

[Macron wearily gestures acknowledgement]

Trump: [Upbeat] Hello Emmanuel! 

Macron: Hello Donald.

Trump: Emmanuel, I saw all the pictures of your beautiful cathedral.  It’s just terrible.  To think, the place where Knute Rockne gave that beautiful speech, gone.

Macron: Wrong Notre Dame, Donald.  We’ve been through that before.

Trump: Oh yeah, right.  I forgot.  I’m just so torn up thinking about a distressed building sitting on that prime piece of real estate.

Macron: That’s an odd way of putting it, but thank you, Donald.  All of France is suffering.

Trump: Well, I want you and all of France to know that I’m here to help.

Macron: We appreciate the offer of assistance from the American government, Donald, but I assure you that France has ...

Trump: Government?  Who said anything about government?  You’re talking with Donald J. Trump.  The Building King!

Macron: Excuse me, Donald, I don’t understand.

Trump: Well, thanks to that whole Mueller thing my Moscow plans are in the toilet.  But now I’m thinking, a Trump Tower in Paris!  We did a little checking and we think we can just use the same blue prints.  I might need a favor or two on your zoning laws, but once that 73-story mixed-use beauty goes up you'll forget all about that old fire trap.

Macron: But we don't want to forget that old ... Donald, is this some kind of a joke, because ...

Trump: I know.  Great idea, right?

Macron:  I can't believe ...

Trump: Listen, I guess you’ll want to keep those old towers.  That might be a problem because usually we do knockdowns, but will just pass the costs into the management fees.

Macron: Donald, please stop, I ...

Trump: Wait, you haven’t heard the best part.  

Macron: I haven’t?

Trump: When people walk into Le Trump - I already have a name for it! - the first thing they will see is the Emmanuel Macron Coffee Shop.  I’ll write into the papers that they can’t re-sell the naming rights for 10 years.

Macron: No, Donald. [angrily] 

Trump: Okay, 15 years.  But in that case ...

Macron: No, Donald. [Louder] 

Trump: Oh, I forgot, you people call it a bistro.  Don’t worry, we’ll work out all those little details.

Macron: It’s not that, Donald. [Screaming]  It’s just ... [Hangs up phone and places face in hands]

[Back in Washington]

Eric: Dad, did he go for it?

Trump: Are you kidding, he's speechless!  And nice touch with that coffee shop idea.  I think that was the kicker.

Eric: Thanks, dad!

Trump: But remember, they call it a bistro.  He was really mad when I called it a coffee shop.

Eric: Sorry, dad.

[Back in Paris]

Aide: Mr. President, are you okay?

Macron: Yes, Charles, it has been a black day for France.

Aide: Well, the White House is on the phone again.

Macron: [Angrily] What is it this time, Donald?

Jared: President Macron?  Jared Kushner here.  I know that this has been a terrible day, but I want you to know that the Kushner Companies are here to help ...

Putin: Publish the Mueller Report Now!

Moscow
Russian Federation

April 4, 2019

Reports from Moscow indicate that President Vladimir Putin is quite upset with the delay in publishing the full text of the Mueller Report.  We had the chance to speak with one of his aides.

- Given the background, one might think that President Putin would want the Mueller Report to be suppressed.

- Not at all.  President Putin just wants to be sure that his staff get full credit for the important work they did in the 2016 election.  It’s a matter of pride.

- So you did interfere in the 2016 election?

- It’s all in the report.

- And you want this made known?

- The sooner, the better.

- But Attorney General Barr has made clear that he is going to take his time in publishing the report, and only after some major editing.

- Yes, this is upsetting.  When President Putin approved Mr. Barr the plan was that he would issue the report in full, then refuse to issue any indictments, even though the evidence is all laid out.  We are not sure if Mr. Trump or Mr. Barr has backed out.

- Wait a second?  Did you say that President Putin approved Robert Barr’s candidacy to be the Attorney General of the United States?  How could that be?

- What’s that word you use?  Oh yes, collusion.

- So what is President Putin going to do now?

- President Putin has been patient until now, but if Mr. Barr does not release the full report soon, let’s just say that Mr. Mueller did not see all the tapes from the Miss Universe Pageant. 

Security at Mar-a-Lago

Palm Beach, Florida - Mar-a-Lago Clubhouse Lobby

April 4, 2018

- So, Rocco, how long have you been the head of security here at Mar-a-Lago?

- I’ve been here since 2005.

- And what is your experience in facility security?

- Well, me and the boss go way back. 

- You know Mr. Trump for a long time?

- Oh yeah.  I was the doorman at Trump Tower back when you still needed someone to open the door, if you know what I mean.

- Doorman?  You mean you don’t have any security training?

- Hey, I survived the Bronx, didn’t I?  Anyway, Mr. Trump always liked the way I made sure Mrs. Trump No. 1 never ran into Mrs. Trump No. 2.  Talk about your security training!  So, here I am.

- Interesting.  Well you know, there have been questions raised about how suspicious figures are gaining access to the President.

- Hey, to get near the boss, you have to get by me.  Like when you just got in here, did we not give you a workover or what?

- Very thorough.  I thought I was at the airport.

- Damn straight.

- But, I noticed that the gentleman in a red shirt who walked in before me set off the metal detector but no one frisked him or asked any questions.

- Oh, he was a Gold Club member.

- A Gold Club member?

- Yeah.  Did you notice his gold wrist band?  They pay some special fee.  We check their belongings but if they set of a metal detector we don’t give them a hard time.

- Really?  And how much is this fee?

- You’d have to ask the boss.

- Okay, but then right after me a white-haired gentleman in a white jacket set off the alarm and again, nothing.

- Oh, that was Mr. Ricardi, an old friend of the boss’s.  Did you get a load of that number he was with?  [Hand over mouth]  Not Mrs. Ricardi.  I’m sure the boss wouldn’t want us bringing any extra attention to him. 

- Okay.  But just now an Asian gentleman also set off the alarm but you didn’t stop him.

- Yeah, well you would have set off the alarm too if you had a Rolex that size.  Like the boss always says, ‘you can’t fake class.’  I’m sure he’s okay.

- Hey!  Those two guys just walked around the line.  Aren’t you going to stop them?

- Nah.  They’re speaking Russian.