Trump-Putin: The Lost Translator's Notes (Vol. 5)

Washington-Moscow

June 26, 2020

Trump:  Vlad?  Are you there?

Putin:  Yes, Donald.

Trump:  Hi Vlad – and by the way, I just want say again how cool it is that you let me call you Vlad.

Putin:  I know.  Please Donald, get on with it, I’m a busy man.

Trump:  [Nervously] Well, Vlad, I know that – thanks again for taking my call.  You see, Vlad, … um, um

Putin:  Spit it out Donald, what do you want?

Trump:  I hate to even mention it, but, some of me people are telling me that your people are paying the Taliban to kill our soldiers in Afghanistan.  Crazy, right?

Putin:  [Tersely]  Are you accusing me of something, Donald?

Trump:  Me?  No.  No!  It’s just, the press got wind of this crazy rumor, and now people are asking if it’s true.  It’s not, right?

Putin:  I told you to take care of that press of yours, didn’t I, Donald?

Trump:  Yeah, well, I was just getting to that when this whole Chinese flu thing started.  So, can I tell them it’s not true?  It would really help me with this election we have coming up.

Putin:  Answer me this Donald, are we friends?

Trump:  Well, yeah, I mean, you bet we are!

Putin:  And is this the kind of thing that one friend would do to another?

Trump:  No sir.

Putin:  Well, tell your press that.

Trump:  Okay, but does that mean ….

Putin:  Donald, I need to go.  Goodbye.

Trump:  Wait, Vlad!  Melania sends her best.

Putin:  I know that, Donald.  [Line goes dead]

Pompeo:  Well, Mr. President, did he deny it?

Trump:  I think so.

Trump: See, I'm Not Too Old!

White House 

June 23, 2020

[Hallway outside Oval Office. Aide 1 antically waving arms.  Aide 2 approaches]

Aide 1:  Get Mr. Kushner, or Mrs. Kushner, or Mr. Pence.  Just get someone quick!

Aide 2:  What is it?

Aide 1:  This is bad.  Oh, this is so bad … [starts hyperventilating]

Aide 2:  Okay.  Just calm down and tell me what it is.

Aide 1:  He … he … he wants to go golfing this afternoon.

Aide 2:  What’s wrong with that?  It soothes him.  At least he won’t be tweeting.  I wish he went golfing every day.

Aide 1:  You don’t get it.  He wants to bring the press to follow him along on the course.

Aide 2:  What?  Doesn’t he know what this will look like?

Aide 1:  It’s 2020, and you’re still asking “Doesn’t he know what this will look like?”

Aide 2:  Okay, okay.  But why now?

Aide 1:  He’s still a little sore about how the whole ‘Rampgate’ thing.  He thinks if they see him on the golf course it will put the whole "he's too old" story to rest.

Aide 2:  You’re right, this is bad.  Remember how last week his cart sank in the sand trap and it took four secret service agents to haul it out?

Aide 1:  Well, one could have handled it if the President would have just gotten out.

Aide 2:  Or how about the time he tipped over when he chipped on a hill?  Then there’s that grunt he lets out when he hits a drive.

Aide 1:  Yup.

Aide 2:   And who can forget the time he tried to do the "Tiger punch" and he split his pants.

Aide 1:  Yup.

Aide 2:  And -- oh my God -- the press will report how many shots he actually takes!

Aide 1:  Yup.  That would be a first.  That’s why …

Aide 2:  I’ll find Mr. Kushner right away [Sprints down hallway]

The Anti-COVID Liberation Front Meets on Zoom

Somewhere over the airwaves ...

Joe: Okay, it’s 2:00, but let’s wait for the rest of the guys.

Woody: Yeah, we can’t have much of a meeting with just the three of us.

Joe: Ed, why don’t you have your video on?

Ed:  Sorry, how do I turn it on?

Joe: Look for the video icon.

Ed:  Look for the what?

Woody: The little picture of a camera.

Ed:  Oh, found it.

Joe: Ed?

Ed:  What’s wrong, still can’t see me?

Joe: No, I can see you, I’m just wondering why you’re wearing a mask – at home!  That’s the reason we’re having our meetings on Zoom now, so we don’t subject ourselves to the indignity of having to wear a mask in public.

Ed:  Well, you see, my wife has this rule that when I go to the store I have to wear my mask for an hour after I get back.

Woody: Does the CDC recommend that?

Joe: Who cares what the CDC recommends?  We’re men, right?  With constitutional rights so …

[Someone joins the meeting]

Dave: Sorry, I’m late.  I was buffering.

Ed:  Why are you bunkering?  Is there an attack?

Joe: Not bunkering, Ed, buffering.  That’s when … oh forget it, can we get on with it?

Dave: On with what?  There’s only 4 of us.  Why can’t we meet at the tavern any more?

Joe: You know darn well that after they opened up the fanatics at the Health Department allegedly traced 23 COVID infections to a Happy Hour, so now there’s so much police tape wrapped around the place we can’t even sneak through the back window any more.

Dave: Oh, right.  So what have I missed?

Woody: [Excitedly] The CDC says we should wear masks at home now.

Joe: Will you stop with the CDC!  We need to start talking about how we’re going to take those people down.  Those are all those radical scientists who look down on us because they have white coats on.  Now, I say we try to make contact with …

Ed:  Joe?

Joe: [Impatiently] What now, Ed?

Ed:  I’m sorry, but my wife needs the computer to Skype with her sister, so I have to go.

Joe: You mean you only have one computer?  Don’t you have a smart phone?  Wait, don’t answer that. [Ed signs off]

Dave: Joe?

Joe: What Dave?

Dave: Where is everyone else?  Are you sure they got the invitation?

Joe: What?  Maybe you think you can do a better job trying to keep this organization together, Dave?

Dave: Hey, don’t get touchy, Joe.  I just don’t see how three people can do too much about restoring our constitutional rights.

Joe:  You don’t see it, do you?  I was thinking we could set up some kind of a guard around our confederate memorials before those antifa terrorists get any ideas. 

Dave:  Do we have any confederate memorials in Michigan? 

Joe: We must, right?

Ivanka Trump Introduces New #BLM Line

Washington, DC

June 10, 2020

White House employee and fashion entrepreneur Ivanka Trump has received an exclusive license to produce merchandise featuring the slogan ‘Black Lives Matter’ or ‘#BLM’ in China. ‘Ivanka couldn’t be more thrilled by this opportunity to broaden her market demographics’ a spokesperson commented. ‘Oh yeah, and to show her commitment to equality for all – I almost left that out.”  When asked if this action might be interpreted as exploitative, the same spokesperson feigned surprise: ‘Ivanka would be shocked at the question. She has already made clear to her manufacturers that the t-shirts, belt buckles, and headbands on order must meet the highest standards -- and that the workers should get at least one toilet break per shift.’ And who is it that Ms. Trump sees as the target audience for her new #BLM line?  ‘Basically, the young professional w…, um, um … people, um, young professional people of all colors, who just realized that they support Black Lives Matter but who won’t settle for a cheap t-shirt.’

Kim: North Korea Cannot Help You, Donald

Pyonyang – Washington

June 3, 2020

Aide to Kim Jong-Un:  It’s him again.

Kim:  Hello Donald

Trump:  Hello Kim!  Wow, you must be really busy because I can never get through to you.

Kim:  Well, Donald, defending my noble country from the predations of the Imperialist barking dog is a full-time job.

[Both laugh]

Kim:  Anyway, Donald, I think I know why you are calling.  The answer is still no.

Trump:  [Pleading] But Kim!  Remember how I agreed to meet with you when the whole world wouldn’t say your name?  I think you owe me.

Kim:  Hey, I said thank you.  But I just don’t see how North Korea can send any troops to help you put down this insurrection you say that you are facing.

Trump:  Aw gee.  Not even a division.  I’m not sure how many men are in a division but it can’t be too many.

Kim:  No, Donald.

Trump:  It wouldn’t need to be for too long.  I know you guys are really sneaky, so you could probably be in and out in no time.

Kim:  [Testily] Why do say we are “really sneaky?”

Trump:  [Nervously] Um … well … I’m not sure, but come on, my own Defense Department doesn’t want to let me use any of our troops. There's an angry mob right outside my window.  If this goes on, I’m going to look like a dope.

Kim:  Well, let's say I was able to send over a team, I know that you are still dealing with the Chinese virus there.  Would you have masks for my men?

Trump:  Couldn’t you bring your own?

Kim:  Goodbye, Donald

[Dial tone]

Kushner:  Well?

Trump:  No go.  Let’s try Putin one more time before we go back to the bunker.