Trump Preps Putin for Meeting with Biden

Geneva-Palm Beach
June 16, 2021

Trump:  Vlad, is that you?
Putin:  Yes, Donald, why are you calling?  I’m very busy now.  In fact, right now I am on my way to sit down and talk with …
Trump:  Joe Biden, I know.  Listen, Vlad – and I still think it’s really cool that you let me call you Vlad, because …
Putin:  [Angrily] I told you to stop calling me Vlad!  Call me President Putin or Vladimir Vladimirovich.
Trump:  Vuh… Vuh… What was that again?
Putin:  [Sighs] Okay, call me Vlad.
Trump:  Like I was saying, Vlad, I wouldn’t be calling if this wasn’t really important.
Putin:  What is it?
Trump:  I can help you to handle Biden at the meeting.  Now he’s probably got all these numbers and names and things memorized.  So here’s what you do – every time he tries to say something smart, talk over him.  If he wants to talk about Ukraine, just say “everyone knows your son is a crook.”  If he wants to talk about Africa or some other loser country, just say “I think you’re on drugs.”  Get it?  I don’t know if you saw our debates, but it worked like a charm for me.
Putin:  Oh, Donald, I missed some of what you were saying because I was looking over the menu for the reception – they have those little hamburgers you like.  But it sounds like you think I should be afraid that Biden has memorized some information.  Why is that, Donald?  Do you think that I don’t have any information memorized, like the name of that prostitute you hired at the Miss Universe contest, or the phone number that your Mr. Manafort passed along to …
Trump:  Okay, so you know things, too.  I just wanted to help, Vlad.  You always gave me such good advice, I thought I could return the favor.  You know, throw him off his game a little.
Putin:  Thank you, Donald, but I think I’ve got this.  
Trump:  Okay, Vlad, but can I ask you a question?
Putin:  Hurry, Donald, we don’t want Biden to fall asleep waiting for me.
[Both laugh]
Trump:  It’s just, well, don’t you think you could finally let me know what the plan is?  You told me everything is going great, but I’m sitting here in Florida and it seems like no one listens to me anymore.  My own son even walked out of the room this morning when I tried to tell him how the election was stolen.
Putin:  Junior?
Trump:  No.
Putin:  Eric?
Trump:  No, the other one, um, um, Melania’s kid.
Putin:  Barron.
Trump:  Barron!  I’ve got to write that down or something.
Putin:  All in good time, Donald.  I need to run. Just remember: we need you to try to stay out of the headlines. 
Trump:  Goodbye, Vlad, Melania sends her best!
…
Putin:  [To aides – after  3 minutes of uncontrollable laughter] You’re not going to believe this.

Ivanka Trump Tries to Crash G-7 Summit

 
London - G-7 Reception

June 10, 2021

Guard:  Ma’am, your identification?
Ivanka: That’s okay, I’m one of them.
Guard:  If you are a participant, then you were issued an identification badge.
Ivanka: You don’t understand, I’m a friend of Herr Merkel – Herr is for a woman, right?
Guard:  It doesn’t matter if you are a friend of Frau Merkel, what matters is that you have identification.  So if you could just show me your badge.
Ivanka: But I belong here!  Oh, there goes Justin Trudeau.  He’s the Canadian president, you know.  [Shouts and waves] Justin!  Justin!  Over here!  They won’t let me in!  [Trudeau keeps walking]  I guess he has a really important meeting, or else he would have come right over here to set me straight.
Guard:  Actually, it looks like Prime Minister Trudeau has an 'important meeting' with the buffet.  And do you see that plastic card hanging on his jacket.  That is Prime Minister Trudeau’s identification badge.  If you could just show me one of those I can let you in.
Ivanka: This is so insulting!  The Queen is going to be here soon.  When I get in there, you are going to be in big trouble.
Guard:  Unless I am mistaken, I detect an American accent.  Perhaps someone in the US delegation could assist you.  Would you like me to call …
Ivanka: No! 
Johnson: Ivanka!  What a surprise.
Guard:  Prime Minister Johnson, do you know this woman?
Johnson: I should say so.

Ivanka: Mr. Johnson, do you think you could talk to someone?  They won’t let me in.

Johnson: I see.  Well, no.  I’m afraid that it is of vital importance to my country that I get on President Biden’s good side, so … well … Cheerio!  My best to your father.

Ivanka:  Just wait until I talk to Putin!

Trump: I’ll have bigger crowds for my reinstatement than Obama!

June 5, 2021 - Palm Beach, Fl
 
-        Could you call Mr. or Mrs. Kushner?  Or maybe one of his sons, the ones he remembers?
-        They said we shouldn’t call unless it’s an emergency.  What’s up?
-        He has us trying to line up entertainment for his reinstatement in August.
-        But, but … where do I start?  First of all, he’s not going to be reinstated and … well, and nothing … he’s not going to be reinstated and that’s that.
-        He also seems to be confusing this with an inauguration.  He keeps saying something about how the cold weather kept people home the first time, but he’s going to have bigger crowds than Obama because it will be in August so we need to have top shelf entertainment.
-        How did this happen?
-        Mr. Giuliani called and told Mr. Trump how well the recounts are going.
-        Giuliani!  But I gave strict instructions that under no circumstances should we let President Trump talk with ….
-        It was Barron’s turn to watch him.  He got bored and left so he wasn’t there when Mr. Giuliani called.
-        Great.  Well, how’s it going?
-        How’s what going?
-        The entertainment?
-        So far the only commitments we have are from Scott Baio and a couple of retired NASCAR drivers.  I’m not quite sure what they would do.  He’s trying to reach someone named Wayne Newton.  Do you know who that is?  Mr. Trump says they’re old friends from when he was in the casino business.
-        Mr. Trump seems to have forgotten that he has no friends from when he was in the casino business.  Listen, just keep on humoring about lining up entertainment.  If anyone seems interested, have them call me so I can explain and ask them to keep quiet about it.