Lyndon LaRouche Suddenly Mainstream

Loudon County, VA

As they gathered to plan yet another Quixotic presidential campaign, Lyndon LaRouche and his advisers were befuddled by the reality that they have been outflanked on the lunatic fringe of national politics.  In comparison with plans to arm schoolteachers, erect a giant border wall, and grant massive tax breaks to the wealthiest Americans, LaRouche's pet theories on global Judeo-Masonic conspiracy and connections between the British royal family and the international drug trade seem quite reasonable.  "Oh my God," exclaimed long-time adviser Fred Schiller, "Lyndon's now the center.  There was a time when we could put a guy in the median of a busy intersection with a sign that read 'Global Warming is phonier than Obama's birth certificate' and he would cause traffic jams, but now that this is in the GOP platform, all we get is shrugs."  

To adapt to this new reality, the LaRouche organization is reassessing its entire communications strategy.  Instead of deploying legions of emaciated youths in threadbare sweaters to hawk LaRouche literature on street corners, the LaRouche team will focus more on developing contacts with traditional party operatives in key primary states.  "Traditional, got to get used to that word," commented Schiller. They are also considering a new approach to the media that will involve arranging interviews rather than harassing journalists.   

"March for Our Lives" Thumbs Nose at Adults

Washington, DC

March 24, 2018

Students rallied across the nation on March 24 in "March for Our Lives" protests in dozens of cities.  Their message was clear:  Students should be safe from gun violence ... the rest of you are on your own.  As one of the many inspiring speakers in Washington, DC, put it, "We need to stand up to the NRA so that there will be no more mass school shootings.  Mass shootings should be restricted to post offices, industrial parks, night clubs, outdoor concerts, and other venues where most of the potential victims are past school-age!" This led to a spontaneous chant of "Adults suck!" from the primarily teenage crowd.  When asked if the rallies may be missing the larger problem of gun violence, organizer Mary DeWitt responded, "Hey, march for your own lives."

Tillerson lands new position as "Star Witness"

Freshly deposed Secretary of State Rex Tillerson gave some hints at his farewell news conference that he may not recede from public view just yet.  Addressing the challenges ahead, Tillerson noted, "It's in times of transition like this when you reconnect with old friends, or maybe even make new friends.  For example, I hear this Bob Mueller is a really nice fellow.  Any of you have his number?  Seriously, anyone?"  When the businessman-turned-statesman was asked what was the most important thing he's learned during his time in Washington, he responded cryptically, "Always get your immunity deal in writing."  His biggest regret:  "I never figured out why they call it Foggy Bottom."  In closing, Tillerson thanked the diplomatic corps present, and asked again, "Seriously, does anyone know Mueller's number?" before being pulled from the podium.

Source: Trump thought Kim was 'some Asian chick'

An anonymous White House aide reports that President Trump is privately fuming, having just learned that Kim Jong-Un is not a woman after the historic meeting with the North Korean leader was announced.

-        But this is incredible!  How could this have happened?

-        When the overture came from the South Koreans there was no one here with a high enough clearance to read and explain it to him, so he had to read it for himself.  His take was that a woman -- sorry, 'Asian chick,' named Kim wanted to hook up.  So he called his staff in and announced with a big smile, 'I'm going to see Kim!'  The press office thought we should run with it so there would be one day where lead story did not mention 'Mueller' or 'Stormy.'  By then it was too late.

-        How is it possible that he doesn't know the name of the North Korean leader? 

-        How is it possible? Why do you think he came up with 'Rocket Man'?  He could never remember his name.

-        Listen, I know he's, well, limited, but is he really that bad with names?

-        Are you kidding?  He still calls Eric and Barron 'champ.'

-        A lot is riding on this meeting.  Our allies there hope that we can come to some kind of understanding that will guarantee long-term security in the region.  Is the President going to be ready?

-        It's hard to say, but up until yesterday his main concern was how this would look to Melania.

Daylight Savings Mayhem

Across the country, rescue crews and emergency rooms were stretched to the limit trying to handle the rash of accidents and mishaps caused by daylight savings time-induced sleep disorder, a recently discovered condition whereby the mere mention of the words "daylight savings time" evokes a Pavlovian response in sufferers.  Waiting for his Nissan Stanza to be towed from a ditch near the George Washington Parkway in McLean, VA, 42-year old Russ Westhaven recalled, "I was on my way to church, feeling a little bit drowsy, when they mentioned daylight savings time on the radio and -- Boom! -- I was out like a light.  Next thing I knew, I my car was wedged between two spruce trees."  Westhaven added, "It's funny, last week I had to get up an hour early for a meeting and it was no big deal.  Must be something about daylight savings time..."  Before he could finish his sleep, Westhaven was snoring.

This wasn't news to ER nurse Sharon Carter.  "We see the same thing every year.  Folks falling down stairs, sticking their hands the toasters, spilling hot coffee all over themselves.  Doesn't anyone ever think to go to bed an hour early?  I'm going to write my congressman, or someone, so that the government put out some kind of alerts that if people would just go to bed early it will be easier to adjust to daylight savings time ...."  But at the utterance of those words, Carter fell into a deep slumber.