Barron Trump Remembers Paper Due Monday

The White House

October 27, 2019

DT:  Son, why aren’t you ready to go to the game?  I told the staff to lay out your blue suit and red tie!

BT:  Gee, Dad, I don’t think I can make it.

DT:  What do you mean you can’t make it?  You don’t understand.  Today’s a big day because your Daddy killed a very bad man.  The crowd is going to go crazy when they see me … um, us, I mean, when they see us.

BT:  Way to go, Dad, killing that guy.  But I forgot that I had this important paper to write for tomorrow about, um, about … about how America is so much better than all those loser countries, or something like that.

DT:  Homework?  Don’t worry, I’ll just call …

BT:  No, Dad, please don’t yell at the teachers again.  I really wish I could go and see all the people cheering you [stifles giggle], it’s just that I have this paper to write on trees, or something.

DT:  Trees? I thought you said it was about how great America is.

BT:  See how much work I need to do?

DT:  Well, it’s too bad you can’t make it.

BT:  Dad? 

DT: Yes, son.

BT:  I’ll go to the game if you can answer one question.

DT:  Shoot.

BT:  What’s my name?

DT:  Are you kidding, Earl … I mean Duke … no, Barron.  That’s it, Barron, so …

BT:  [Turning on iPad]  Enjoy the game, Dad.

The Quid Pro Quo Effect: Latin Studies Flourish

Smallwood, Ohio

October 23, 2019

Edward F. O’Connor is back in business.  As the lone Latin instructor at the Smallwood Community College, O’Connor had seen enrollments drop to the point that officials warned his courses might be eliminated altogether.  But this year he has seen a surge in new students.  The reason?  “It’s quite clear.  These kids have heard the phrase ‘quid pro quo’ so often it got them wondering where it came from.  They all say that.“  The task now is to expand on this naïve curiosity.  “I can see I have my work cut out for me.  During the first class I started to explain the accusative case and just got blank stares.  Finally, one young man asked, is that why prosecutors use so much Latin, because they accuse people?”  Still, O’Connor remains confident that the future of the Latin program looks strong.  “I studied Latin intensely because I wanted to be a priest, so you could say that faith brought me to Latin and faith sustains me.  Besides, just think how much Latin will come up in the impeachment trial.”

Trump-Putin: The Lost Translator's Notes (Vol. 3)

Washington-Moscow

October 11, 2019

TRUMP: Vlad? Are you there?

PUTIN: Yes, Donald.  What is it?

TRUMP: Well, Vlad – oh, by the way, have I ever told you how cool it that you let me call you ‘Vlad’?

PUTIN: Yes, Donald, every time we talk.  Now, what is it you want, Donald?

TRUMP: I’m so depressed, Vlad.  It looks like I am going to be impeached.  Do you think I should just resign and save myself all the trouble?

PUTIN: Resign?  Impeached?  Don’t be so negative.  This will pass, Donald, trust me.

TRUMP: Well, that’s the thing, Vlad.  You told me that I should investigate what Biden’s son did in Ukraine, so I did.  When I said it would look bad that I was using our diplomats to go after my political opponent, you said if I had Giuliani do it, no one would notice.  Then you told me I should go ahead and let Turkey move into Syria because Erdogan promised you he would not hurt the Kurds.

PUTIN: What is your point, Donald?

TRUMP: Well, Vlad, I don’t know how to say this, but you always tell me to me to trust you, yet it seems like all your advice has gotten me in hot water.  It might help if you told me what the plan is.  You just keep telling me to trust you.

PUTIN: I see.  Okay, Donald, what if I were to tell you that this was the plan all along.  That the whole reason our government devoted so many resources to getting you elected was because we thought you were so vain and incompetent that you would turn the USA into such a laughing stock that it would be years, maybe centuries before the USA would dare tell another country that it wasn’t democratic enough, or that it was too corrupt.

TRUMP: But, but, but …

PUTIN: PSYCHE!

[Both laugh]

TRUMP: Oh, Vlad.  You really had me going there. 

PUTIN: Now, let’s cut out all this talk about resigning.  We have great things to do.

TRUMP: Okay.  But, seriously, what is the end game?

PUTIN: You’ll have to trust me, Donald.

'El Chapo' on Call with Zelensky

Washington, DC

October 1, 2019

The revelation that Secretary of State Pompeo was on the line during the now infamous telephone call between President Donald Trump and Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky has prompted questions about just who else was on the call. 

“Other than the President and Secretary Pompeo … and Mr. Giuliani, it was basically just a few staff members on the call, no one who would raise any suspicions, except maybe the Mexican.”

“The Mexican?”

“Yes, Mr. Guzman.”

“Mr. Guzman?”

“Let me see [reading] Joaquin Archivaldo Guzman.”

“El Chapo!!”

“Yes, that is the name most people know him by.  And what a pain – you would think it would be easier to arrange a secure phone line to a Federal Supermax prison.”

“But he was just convicted of running a murderous drug cartel!”

“Which he is appealing.”

“But why in God’s name would you want El Chapo on the call?”

“A fair question.  Mr. Trump thought Mr. … um … Chapo, might be able to provide some guidance to our Ukrainian friends on how to convince reluctant witnesses to … um … cooperate.”

“The President himself asked for El Chapo to be on the line?”

“There was some grumbling from our national security advisors, but Mr. Trump was adamant.  I believe his exact words were, ‘Here’s a guy who won’t rat me out.’  And in the end, Mr. Zelensky indicated that Mr. Guzman’s … um … assistance, would not be required.”

“Just amazing.  Was there anyone else on the call we should know about?”

“[Reviewing list] Let me see.  You knew that President Putin was listening in, right?”