Melania: You Mean He's Not Going to Prison?

White House

March 26, 2019

Attorney:  Well, Mrs. Trump, I was surprised that you called me, because during our last conversation …

Melania:  Two years!  You told me he was going to jail for at least two years!

Attorney:  [nervous laughter] Actually, Mrs. Trump, I think there were a lot of ‘ifs’ in that assessment.  But, fortunately, Mr. Mueller did not see fit to charge the president with any crimes, so …

Melania:  So, what?  Nothing?  That’s it?

Attorney:  Yes, ma’am.  Big win for the president.  Yippee. [Pantomimes a “Tiger” fist pump.]  Big win.

Melania:  How can this be?  What’s wrong with that Mueller person?  Donald is guilty.

Attorney:  But …

Melania:  But nothing.  Last week he said to me, ‘where’s the boy?  I need to see the boy.’

Attorney:  The boy?

Melania:  Barron.  His son – I’m not sure he knows his real name.  So anyway, he tells Barron, ‘Listen, son, Daddy might have to go away for a while.  But don’t worry, my lawyers and your big brother Don will take care of everything.’

Attorney:  And …?

Melania:  And what? ‘My lawyers and your big brother Don,’ that was it.  ‘Daddy has to go away for a while?’  What does that sound like to you?  He knows he’s guilty.

Attorney:  Well, Mrs. Trump, you really don’t have any proof there.  Anyway, Mr. Barr has already said …

Melania:  Mr. Barr?  Who’s Mr. Barr?  I though Mueller was the one investigating.

Attorney:  He was, but he left the decision up to Mr. Barr, the Attorney General, and Mr. Barr decided not to charge the President.  Again, big win.

Melania:  This is a nightmare.  If he went to jail, I could divorce him and get out of that prenup.  How can I reach this Mr. Barr?  Maybe I could convince him …

Attorney:  Again, Mrs. Trump, I need to remind you that I am an employee of the White House, so it might be more appropriate if …

Melania:  I know, I know.  Leave.  Get out.

Attorney:  [Runs to the door]

Melania:  [To herself] Mr. Barr, I wonder if he’s Roseanne’s husband?

Trump Looks Up Collusion

March 23, 2019

Outside Oval Office

Jared:  [Runs up and catches breath] What happened?  Why did you call me?

WH Aide:  This is bad, Mr. Kushner.  He accidentally held his finger on the word “collusion” for too long and a definition popped up.  Ever since he read that he just keeps muttering something over and over.  Maybe you can snap him out of it?

Jared:  I’ll try.  [Turns and enters Oval Office]

Trump:  [Looks up from his phone]  Jared!  I’m glad you’re here.  Listen to this, “Collusion: secret agreement or cooperation especially for an illegal or deceitful purpose.”  Did you know that was what collusion meant?

Jared:  So, what did you get Barron for his birthday?

Trump:  Who?

Jared:  Barron.  Your son.

Trump:  My wife took care of that … um …

Jared:  Melania.

Trump:  I know.  I know.  But did you hear me, “secret agreement or cooperation especially for an illegal or deceitful purpose.”  Isn’t that what we did?

Jared:  [Nervous laughter]  Wha-at?  No!  When?

Trump:  All those times I kept saying over and over, “No collusion.  No collusion.”  I must look like a real dope.

Jared:  Not at all, sir.  The latest polling shows that you are still holding strong among white voters with a 6^th grade education.

Trump:  I mean, why else would I have hired Manafort?  Do you think I should say something? 

Jared:  No-o-o.  What for?

Trump:  But I said it over and over again.  I’m sure I could come up with something smart sounding on how I didn’t know what the word meant.

Jared:  [Stops to think for a second]  Sir, I forgot to tell you.  There is a problem with the sprinkler system at Mar-A-Lago, so you might not be able to get a round in this Friday afternoon.

Trump:  [Suddenly incensed]  What?  Why wasn’t I told about this?  Which one of our cabinets handles water?  Interior?  [Picks up phone]  Get me FEMA, now!

[Jared slips out of office and gives WH aide the a-ok signal.]

Nobel Peace Prize Bribery Scandal Grows

March 15, 2019

The growing bribery scandal around the Nobel Peace Prize shows no sign of quieting down any time soon.  What we have learned so far is that going back for years, candidates have embellished their credentials to earn what many consider to be the world’s elite peace prize. 

NPR discussed the scandal with Henrik Halstrom, who has covered Nobel politics for the Stockholm Post since 2003:

Halstrom: From what I understand, a lot of this dates back to 1994 when a lot of people around the world thought, ‘if they’ll believe that Rabin and Arafat brought peace to the Middle East, they’ll believe anything.’

NPR: Can you give some examples of the types of false accomplishments that have been presented.

Halstrom: Well, it turns out that at least 6 winners in the past 15 years have claimed to have led the successful campaign to banish nuclear weapons.

NPR: 6?  Wouldn’t you think that they committee would have caught on to this?

Halstrom: It is embarrassing, but every year they get so many qualified applications that it is hard to keep up with all the details.

NPR: Okay, they are making this false claims, but where does the bribery come in? 

Halstrom: Well, you can’t just write it down.  The Nobel Committee expects you to provide documentation. So each one of those claims came accompanied by a letter from someone belonging to some agency with ‘nuclear’ it its title that claimed there were no more nuclear weapons thanks to … um … actually, they haven’t provided the names yet of which winners provided false claims.

NPR: So they had to pay for those letters?

Halstrom: At least $50,000.  More if you want a gold-embossed letterhead.

NPR: What other types of false claims have been made?

Halstrom: I am told that one winner in the 1990s claimed to have negotiated an end to the decades long bloody conflict between Fredonia and the Grand Duchy of Fenwick.

NPR: Fredonia?  The Grand Duchy of Fenwick?  But those are fictional countries.

Halstrom: Yes, but the letters from Fredonian and Fenwickian ambassadors to the UN looked very authentic – so I am sure they didn’t come cheap.

NPR: So how can this be changed?

Halstrom: This has been a real eye opener for the Nobel committee.  Up until now they have pretty much depended on the integrity of applicants, but now they realize that they might need to but some more resources into fact-checking – or at least read a newspaper from time to time.

NPR: Of course, the Nobel Committee awards prizes in a wide array of categories.  Is this limited to the peace prize?

Halstrom: So far, this is all we have information on.  But then again, Bob Dylan?

Melania: How Many Years Will Donald Get?

The White House

March 8, 2019

Attorney:  I was a little surprised to get your call, Mrs. Trump.  Counsel to the First Lady is normally just a ceremonial post.  What can I do for you?

Melania:    So you are a real attorney, right?  And our conversation is private, right?

Attorney:  Yes and yes.

Melania:    Okay, how many years will Donald get?

Attorney:  What?

Melania:    How many years?

Attorney:  I am afraid I do not understand what you are referring to, Mrs. Trump.

Melania:    Look.  I know everyone thinks I’m dumb, but I read the papers.  I see that everyone thought that awful Manafort person was going to spend the rest of his life but he only got 4 years.  So that’s why I want to know: how many years will Donald get?

Attorney:  Well, you see Mrs. Trump, Mr. Manafort was convicted in federal court of a crime, and then pleaded guilty to further charges.  Whereas, the President has not even been formally charged with any …

Melania:    How many years?

Attorney:  I know you want a legal opinion, and I could only speculate because …

Melania:    [Screaming] How many years?

Attorney:  Okay, okay.  As I see it, the President faces the most exposure on obstruction of justice charges.  So assuming he was convicted, and assuming he received as generous a sentence as Mr. Manafort, I would say he’s looking at about 2 years.

Melania:    [Panicked] 2 years!  2 years!  That’s all?

Attorney:  Again, that’s all speculation, but, yes, I would say about 2 years.

Melania:    But I’ll still be young when he gets out, and he’ll still want to … Oh god, this is a disaster!

Attorney:  [Tugging at collar] I must say, Mrs. Trump, this is a highly irregular conversation, so …

Melania:    What if I talked to Mr. Mueller?

Attorney:  [Panicked] Excuse me?

Melania:    What if I talked to this Mr. Mueller?  I know things.  Do you think Stormy Daniels was the only bimbo he paid off?

Attorney:  Mrs. Trump, technically, I am on the White House staff, so it would be a conflict of interest for me to reach out to the Mueller investigation.

Melania:    Fine, fine, I’ll just have to find someone else.  [Muttering angrily] 2 years!

Attorney:  Good day, maam.  [Hurries to door]

Melania:    [On phone]  Hello, can you get me Hillary Clinton?  She’s an attorney, right?

Breaking: Trump Organization Kept No Records

March 6, 2019

Hannity:  Tonight on a special “Hannity” we are fortunate to have as our guest, once again, the 45^th President of the United States, Donald Trump.  Good evening, Mr. President.

Trump:    Good evening, Sean.  Always great to be here.

Hannity:  Mr. President, once again you are the target of unfounded attacks by the radical wing of the Democratic party.  How are you coping?

Trump: Just fine, Sean.  The American people voted for strong leadership in 2016, and a strong leader does not wilt.

Hannity:  Well said, sir.  But these abortion-loving socialists just will not stop.  Now they want you tax returns and business records going back 10 years.

Trump:   It’s another witch hunt, Sean.

Hannity:  Sir, have you thought about calling their bluff?  Why not just give them the records and show them that you have nothing to hide and that you were an honest businessman?

Trump:   I can’t do that, Sean, because there are no records.

Hannity:  I’m afraid there is a problem with my audio.  I thought you just say that there are no records.

Trump:   No, you heard me.  There are no records.

Hannity:  So, no tax returns, contracts, invoices?

Trump:   None.

Hannity:  Lease agreements, earnings statements, audit reports?

Trump:    All up here, Sean [taps forehead]

Hannity:  [Confused] Why, sir, that’s un-be-lieve-able.  [Perks up] I’m sorry, what I mean is, that’s amazing!

Trump:    I know, Sean.  I laugh when I think about how all these supposedly smart guys with their billions of dollars who waste so much money on records.  Who needs it?  If they just had big brains like me, they wouldn’t need all those records.  It's all up here, Sean, how much we paid to every consultant, lawyer, shredding company, you name it.

Hannity:  But, sir, aren’t you required by law to maintain certain records?

Trump:    Yeah, every once and a while some pencil pusher shows up and says he wants to see this file, or that bill of sale.  We just tell him we’ll mail it later -- heh, heh -- a lot later.  This is one of the reasons my administration is working hard to get rid of all the red tape that businessmen have to put up with.

Hannity:  But still, sir, I know that the Trump Organization was involved in a lot of transactions that involved complex valuations.  How were you able to come up with these figures without …

Trump:  [Interrupting] Sean, you forget [taps forehead again], this brain knows more about real estate than any stinking spread sheet.

Hannity:  But again, aren’t there laws …

Trump:    Sean, Sean.  It’s not like I killed somebody.  And come to think about it, if I did, there wouldn't be any record of it, because I’m not one of those people who would come home and write down “Today I killed somebody” and put it in a file.  So when the police came, I could just say [Screen goes blank]

Hannity:  [tugging at collar]  Well, we seem to have lost our feed with the President.  So when we come back, we’ll just show the video of when I told that American-hating foreigner to go fuck himself.  And be sure you tune in for ‘Fox & Friends’ tomorrow when the panel will predict what anti-Semitic statement Ilhan Omar will make next.

And Now For Our Next National Emergency: Saturday Night Live

Situation Room – White House

March 4, 2019

Trump: Okay, you all know why we’re here.  It’s been three weeks since I declared a National Emergency and so far it’s been a dud.  Miller told me that there would be anti-immigrant riots by now.

Aide 1:  Hey, where is Steve?

Trump: [Angrily] Not coming.

Aide 2: We know it’s been disappointing so far, but we’re confident that after the first court hearings there should be a surge …

Trump: Court?  I might be dead by then.  We need something fast, before you know who starts FedExing indictments.

Aide 1:  What did you have in mind, boss?

Trump: Fortunately, someone around here has been thinking.  Tell them what you’ve got, kid.

Aide 3: We seize a television show.  Not just any show.  Saturday Night Live!

Aide 2:  We’ve been through this, boss.  You can’t shut down the show because they make fun of you.

Trump: I know.  We’ve got something better.  Tell them.

Aide 3:  We’ll call it an anti-trust action.

Trump: Hear that?  All legal.

Aide 1:  Okay.  I’ll bite, how is this an anti-trust action?

Aide 3:  Just ask anyone.  Saturday Night Live has had a monopoly on that time slot for like a hundred years.  It’s only fair that some other show gets a chance.

Aide 2:  Actually, about 45 years.   But how are you going to seize the show?

Aide 3:  The President seems to have an idea or two about this.

Trump:  Okay, you know how they always have that loser Alec Baldwin do his pathetic imitation of at the start of the show.  Picture this: right after the lights come on, I come out surrounded by a group of federal agents, armed to the teeth, and I tell him: ‘This is a national emergency and …’

All:         “… you’re fired.”

Trump: See, pure gold.

Aide 1:  Okay, let’s suppose we can get the Attorney General to write off on this, who do we put on as a replacement?

Trump: I was thinking Youngman.

Aide 2:  Yes, it should be a young man, sir.  But should he be …

Trump: Not a young man!  Youngman.  Henny Youngman.  You must have seen him.  He plays the violin, tells jokes.  One time we were at his show …

Aide 1:  Sir.

Trump: … and he saw me and did this whole bit on Ivana’s accent.  You should have heard him,  “Eets zo beeg.”  God, I laughed so loud.  Ivana, though, she …

Aide 1:  Sir!

Trump: [Annoyed] What?

Aide 1:  I’m pretty sure that Henny Youngman is dead.

Aide 3:  [looking at his phone]  He’s right, sir.  It says here he died in 1998.

Trump: 1998?  So that’s why he couldn’t do my inaugural.   Okay, I’ll leave it to you guys to work out the details.  “Outnumbered” is coming on. [Walks out, closing door behind him.]

Aide 2:  So how did he find you?  Did you win a contest or something?

Aide 3:  Most Re-tweets – January 2019.  And you?

Aide 2:  October 2018.  How about you?

Aide 1:  Well, let's just say my Uncle Vladimir knows a guy, who knows a guy ...

What Went Wrong in Hanoi

Washington, DC

March 1, 2019

We asked a member of the American delegation to the recent summit meeting between President Donald Trump and North Korean Leader Kim Jong-Un in Hanoi for his comments on why the two leaders failed to come to an agreement.  He asked that we not use his name – and that we emphasize that it definitely was not Secretary of State Mike Pompeo.

-  It was not so much one moment, as a series of missteps.  That gift got things off to a really bad start.

-  What gift?

-  The President wanted to make a very personal gesture, so he decided to give Kim a set of golf balls with US and North Korean flags embossed on them.

-  That sounds like a nice idea.

-  It would have been if they had used the right flag.

-  No, you don’t mean that …

-  That’s right.  South Korean flags.  You see, the President put Don Jr. in charge of this.  Of course, official registers do not use “North” and “South” Korea, so he just assumed that South Korea would have “Democratic” in its name, so he went with the other one.

-  I’m surprised the North Koreans didn’t leave right away.

-  Actually, the President handled that deftly, only now he has committed to building a golf course somewhere near the North Korean-Russian border.

-  How did things go after that?

-  Not great.  Then the President and Chairman Kim had their private meeting.  This is when the President was supposed to try to show Kim a path on how North Korea could emerge from its isolation.

-  And?

-  According to the President, he spent most of the meeting asking Kim about all the ways he has had his enemies executed.

-  [Stunned silence]

-  Yeah.

-  But then there was the final meeting.

-  That’s right.  The discussion was moving rather tentatively, when the President asked if Chairman Kim had heard about the Cohen hearings.  Chairman Kim said he had.  The President asked Chairman Kim how he would have Cohen executed if Cohen was his former lawyer who was now ratting him out.  Chairman Kim said angrily, “Again with the executions,” then got up and left.

-  But what about the North Korean nuclear weapons program?

-  That’s a very good question.