Trump Never Saw The "Nuclear Football"

 

Washington, DC – September 21, 2021

Reporter: I was just reading in the new Bob Woodward book about how General Milley took extraordinary measures to keep President Trump from starting an international conflict.  I still can’t believe it.
NSC Aide: [Nonchalant] Yeah, I saw that.
Reporter: Aren’t you surprised?
NSC Aide Not really.
Reporter: Do you mean you knew about this?
NSC Aide: Not that, but I knew we did a pretty good job of keeping him under control.
Reporter: What else did you guys do?
NSC Aide: [Looks over shoulder] Okay, this is off the record, I mean way off the record.  Got it?
Reporter: Okay.
NSC Aide You know about the “nuclear football,” right?
Reporter: You mean the device with the controls to authorize a nuclear strike?  I’ve heard about it, but never seen it.
NSC Aide: Actually, the same goes for President Trump.
Reporter: What do you mean?  He was President of the United States.  It was by his side at all times.
NSC Aide: Nope.  We decided right away there was no way we were going to let this guy near the nuclear controls.  So we had to run a little ruse.
Reporter: Didn’t he want to see it?
NSC Aide: Are you kidding?  January 20, 2017, that was his first question after he took the oath: where’s the nuclear football?
Reporter: What did you show him?
NSC Aide: What do you think?  [Winks and strikes a ‘Heisman’ pose]
Reporter: No, not a real football?!
NSC Aide: A real football, signed by Roger Goodell.
Reporter: And he fell for it?
NSC Aide: Hook, line, and sinker.  He thought it was the neatest thing he ever saw.  Every time we got in the limousine it was, “I wanna see the football.”  He liked to play catch with it on Air Force One.
Reporter: And he never figured it out?
NSC Aide: He did get a little worried every time he dropped it or spilled Diet Coke on it, but we would just tell him “there’s a safeguard for that, sir,” and he’d go on playing.
Reporter: Where was the real device.
NSC Aide: We kept it with President Obama’s security detail, just in case.

Susan Collins Reflects

 Washington, DC – September 2, 2021

Sen. Susan Collins (R-ME), who was considered an important swing vote in the 2019 confirmation hearings for Brett Kavanaugh, claimed that during a private lunch meeting, Kavanaugh assured her that he considered Roe v. Wade to be established law.  Nonetheless, Kavanaugh voted with the conservative majority to clear the way for the oppressive Texas "heartbeat law" to be enacted.  This turn of events has caused Collins to reflect on that lunch meeting and consider if Kavanaugh may have misled her about anything else.

Her Eyes

"When we sat down he told me I the biggest brown eyes he’s ever seen.  I have had a lot of compliments about my eyes over the years, but still, the biggest he’s ever seen?"

The Forgotten Credit Card

"And I wonder if it was true when he said that he forgot his credit card and asked me to pick up the bill.  I laughed it off, but I was a little miffed at the time because I had the fruit salad with cottage cheese while he an open-faced steak sandwich and four non-alcoholic beers."

Non-Alcoholic Beer?

"Wait a second, I remember now that he winked at the waiter every time he said ‘non-alcoholic.’  He seemed like a regular – the waiter even called him B-Dog.  You know, it might have been between the third and fourth beer that I brought up Roe vs. Wade.  I should have realized that ‘Don’t sweat it, Suze’ wasn't a serious response to such an important judicial question. Wow, he even offered to drive me back to my office afterward."

"Oh well.  I guess I got played.  Not much I can do about now.  Anyway, it’s not like I’m going to be pregnant any time soon."