Trump Gets Why Everyone is Laughing at Him (Vol. 2)

White House
September 29, 2020
 
Trump:  Jared, always good to see you.

Kushner: Likewise.

Trump:  I’ll bet Ivanka sent you, worried about how all the news on my taxes was affecting me. 

Kushner:  As a matter of fact, she was.  Well, sir, how are you holding up?

Trump:  I must admit, I see why people are laughing, and it is embarrassing.

Kushner:  Sir, this can’t be worse than when the new broke of your alleged dalliance with Ms. Daniels, or whatever her real name is.

Trump:  Alleged what?

Kushner:  [Nervously] Um, well,  I guess it really doesn’t matter what you call it.  My point is that it you got through it.  And you will get through this. 

Trump:  I still don’t believe it.  $750.   It was that dope Kelly’s idea.  I’m glad I got rid of him.

Kushner:  Yes, sir.  Perhaps if you had paid more, it would …

Trump:  [Raises voice] More? You think I should have paid more?  Do you think that’s why people are laughing? 

Kushner:  [Even more nervously]  Um, well, perhaps you could explain why you think that is, sir. 

Trump:  Because I paid anything!  Real Americans, the ones who love me, have a certain image of me, you see.  And part of that is that “The Donald” doesn’t pay taxes.  I had a great 5-year run going, then Kelly tells me I should kick in something. 

Kushner:  $750.

Trump:  Actually, he said a thousand, but I couldn’t do it.  Hey, that reminds me, remember after the election I want that money back --- with interest! 

Kushner:  I’ll make a mental note, sir.  I’ll be running along now, I’m sure you want to continue with your debate preparation.

Trump:  Debate?  What debate?

Kushner:  Why?  The first presidential debate.  It’s tonight, sir.

Trump:  Really?  Are you sure?  Who am I debating?  Jared, where are you going?  Why are you running?

Trump Vows to Fight Bone Spurs

White House Press Room

September 4, 2020

With great fanfare the Trump Administration surprised the assembled media at Friday's press conference by announcing a new $130 million initiative to combat bone spurs.  

McEnany: This is an issue that President Trump feels very strongly about.  With this money, the leading experts will be able to investigate new treatment options, but also study the causes.  The ultimate goal is a cure.  

Reporter:  But Kaileigh, the causes of bone spurs are pretty well known and the symptoms are usually minor and can be treated easily.  In fact, bone spurs are not really a disease that can be cured. 

McEnany:  There is debate in the medical community on these questions, but it is the consensus of the Bone Spurs Task Force the President has assembled that an influx of resources now could be decisive.

Reporter:  Wait, the "Bone Spurs Task Force"?  When was this formed?  Who is on it?

McEnany:  It's still a work in progress, but let's just say Dr. Fauci is really enthusiastic about his new role.

Reporter:  Kaileigh, this sounds like a rather cynical effort to deflect attention from the President's failure to address the coronavirus, not to mention providing legitimacy to his own embarrassing draft deferment.

McEnany:   Cynical?  Nothing could be further from the truth.  President Trump would like those who live with this affliction to know that he is on their side.  Thankfully, all of his children have tested negative.  But he will not rest until no parent has deliver that fateful news, 'son, you're ineligible for military service because of bone spurs.' 

With that, McEnany turned and left the podium as the journalists shouted questions about medical research spending priorities, what it means to test negative for bone spurs, and plans to reinstate the draft.