Trump to Catch Mueller Testimony in North Korea

Washington, DC

July 23, 2019

An anonymous source at the White House confirmed that President Donald Trump will be making a surprise visit to North Korea on July 24.  The same source would not confirm any connection between the surprise visit and the Congressional testimony of former Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller scheduled for that day.  “What?  No!  President Trump and Chairman Kim have just developed such a close rapport that during their last visit Chairman Kim told the President he could ‘stop by whenever he wanted.’  The President thought it would be rude not to take him up on it.”

Meanwhile, in Pyongyang …

Kim:  What do you mean he’s coming tomorrow?

Aide: Well, most esteemed Chairman, you did say …

Kim:  I know what I said!  It’s an expression. I never thought he would take it seriously.  I have raquetball tomorrow!

Aide:  I am sorry of the unfortunate news, most esteemed Chairman.  Also, apparently the President is in some kind of trouble at home so he may need to stay for a while.

Kim:  A while?  How long?

Aide:  Mr. Kushner was not clear, most esteemed Chairman, but he did ask if there are any golf courses in North Korea.

Ivana Trump Deported to Guatemala

In a shocking development, Ivana Trump, the first wife of Donald Trump, was taken into custody by Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents on Sunday and immediately deported to Guatemala, despite the fact that she has been a US citizen since 1988 and was born in Czechoslovakia, not Guatemala, not to mention the fact that she is the ex-wife of the President of the United States.  When asked why Ms. Trump was delivered to Guatemala, an ICE spokesman responded, “We just happened to have a plane heading for Guatemala that day.  Deportee Trump is free to travel to any destination of her choice, as long as it is not within the borders of the United States of America.”

In a hastily convened press conference at the international airport in Guatemala City, Mrs. Trump described the chaotic scene:  “It was crazy.  I just caught a ‘Living with the Kardashians’ episode on the DVR when all these armed men burst in and started yelling at me in Spanish.  I tried calling Donald, but he just said ‘Sorry, senorita, no speako the lingo’ and hung up.”

Speaking off the record, a White House official provided more background to the story:

“This came straight from the FLOTUS.”

“Melania Trump?  How can that be?”

“You don’t hear about her much, but she has sharp elbows, not to mention … well, you know.”

“But why?  What does she hope to accomplish with this?”

“She reads the papers.  She has seen all the President's racist tweets and all the blowback about sending her “back to where she came from.”  She’s hoping that deporting one of the President’s foreign wives will take the heat off until this all blows over.”

“Does she really think this is going to blow over?”

“Are you kidding?  Do you remember Charlottesville?”

Refugees to be Bused in to Pad Trump Crowd

Washington, DC

July 4, 2019

White House officials are remaining tight-lipped about rumors that detained Central American refugees are being transported en masse to Washington, DC, to give the appearance of a large crowd for President Donald Trump’s controversial “Salute to America” speech on the Mall.  An ICE official, speaking off the record, confirmed the operation.

  -  When we got the word we were in a panic, but the guy at the White House said that they can’t drum up any enthusiasm for the event.  State RNCs couldn’t give away tickets that included all-expense paid trips!  So some smart guy thought, ‘Hey, as long as we have tens of thousands of people locked up …’

  -  So are tens of thousands of immigrants are on their way?

  -  That’s classified.

  -  But won’t thousands of Hispanics look a bit suspicious in the crowd?

  -  We plan to give them all MAGA hats with extra long bills and huge American flags.

  -  Aren’t you worried that they are all going to escape?

  - [Wipes forehead.] Yup, you could say that is a concern.  The plan is to cordon off several areas with electronic fences.  And don't forget the tanks.  [Nervous laughter]  But we’re still spitballing ideas.

  -  And how do the refugees feel about this?  Are they really going to cheer the man who has separated them from their children and held them in decrepit conditions?

  -  Some seemed a little suspicious that when we supplied them with toilet paper for the first time in weeks, but we are hoping that when they all get their plain hot dog and 6-ounce cup of Coke that they will feel ready to let out a whoop.