Trump: What Do You Mean There Won't Be A Convention?

Washington, DC 

July 25, 2020

Kushner: So no one has told him yet?

Pence: Hear that laughing?  What do you think?

Kushner: Okay, I guess there’s no putting this off, but …

Pence: Get in there!  This was your bright idea so you have to take your medicine.

[Kushner enters Oval Office]

Trump: Hi Jared!  How are those grandchildren of mine?  What are those names again?  Um, Barron?  Oh, right, Melania’s kid.

Kushner: Great catch, sir.  No wonder you aced that IQ test.

Trump: You see!  I don’t know why no one believes it.

Kushner: Well, sir, there’s something else we need to talk about.

Trump: What’s that? 

Kushner: The convention.

Trump: I’ve gotta hand it to you, kiddo, that was a great idea pretending to call off the convention.  I can’t wait to see the looks on those reporters faces when we announce that the convention is back on with no masks, no rules … 

Kushner: [Trying to interrupt] Sir … 

Trump: …like you said, when all my supporters hear this they’ll all rush to Jacksonville.  It’ll be electric.

Kushner: [Louder] SIR …

Trump: And Fauci!  That little weasel.  I’ll bet he has a heart attack on the spot.

Kushner: [Screaming] SIR!

Trump: Jared, you’re all red.  What’s wrong?  [Recoils in fright] Wait you don’t have that virus do you?

Kushner: [Catches breath] No, sir.  It’s just that there isn’t going to be a convention.

Trump: What?  Wait, what do you mean no convention?  You said that announcement was all a scam to throw off the press.  Were you lying, Jared?

Kushner: [Stammers] Um, um … oh, no sir.  Not me.  If you remember – and we all know what a great memory you have – we said that it all depended on the infection numbers in Florida, and, well, I’m afraid that they do not look good.  Our experts – NOT Dr. Fauci – advised that it would be too dangerous to hold the convention.

Trump: [Crestfallen] Ah, geez.  This is a real letdown.  

Kushner: Sir, maybe it would make you feel better if you dispatched DHS agents to another city to beat up some protestors?

Trump: Nah.  Well, ask me later.  Oh, one more thing, Jared.

Kushner: Yes, sir.

Trump: Remember how you told me that all those polls that show me losing to Sleepy Joe by a mile were all fake?  That was true, right?

Kushner: Um...um...um sorry, sir, I just remembered that Vice President Pence needs me.  [Sprints from room]

White House on COVID Deaths: "They're Only Dying to Hurt the President"

White House Briefing Room

July 17, 2020

Reporter:  Kayleigh, for weeks the White House has been saying that we should not be alarmed about the rising number of COVID cases because the number of deaths is dropping.  But this week the number of deaths has started to rise noticeably.   Has this caused you to reevaluate your position?

McEnany:  We are aware that some of these figures look bad, which is why the President ordered all the data come through the White House this week.

Reporter:  And what have you learned so far?

McEnany:  We stand by our position that the pandemic is under control.  We are convinced that these people dying are only trying to embarrass the President.

Reporter:  [Gasps in the room]  How could you say that?

McEnany:  Well, we looked at the backgrounds of a few random victims yesterday.  Example A: Ms. Brenda Jones of Flagstaff, AZ.  On the face of it, she was just a 63-year old grandmother who liked baking cookies for her grandchildren, but when we delved into her social media history we saw that over the years she has “liked” posts on Earth Day, Cinco de Mayo, and Oprah Winfrey.  It’s clear that she hated Donald Trump – until yesterday, at any rate.

Reporter:  But …

McEnany:  [Interrupts] Then there’s Arthur Smith of Clear Springs, TN.  Just a 47-year old meatpacker unfortunate enough to die from COVID, right?  Not so fast.  His obituary notes that he was a lifelong union member.  Do I need to draw you a picture?

[Silence] ... Come on! He was a labor radical, possibly an Antifa activist, who was ready to do anything to hurt President Trump’s electoral chances.

Reporter:  Are you saying these people are being infected on purpose too?

McEnany:  That’s something we are looking into.  We are also looking into whether George Soros is behind this satanic plot.  But we think it's plain to see that they are choosing to die.  That's what you should be reporting.

Reporter:  Could you draw us a picture on how this is plain to see?

McEnany:  Through his leadership, President Trump has created national stockpiles of hydroxychloroquine and remdesivir, the only two known cures for COVID-19, thus paving the way to restart the economy and reopen our schools.  So the only possible explanation for anyone dying from the virus in July 2020 is that they are refusing these life-saving treatments.

Reporter:  But didn’t Dr. Fauci say that neither of these are a cure?

McEnany:  What day is it?

Reporter:  Friday, why do you ask?

McEnany:  [Looks over paper] Actually, we don’t care what Dr. Fauci says on Fridays.  Check with me again on Monday.

NRA: We Need a Good Ol' Mass Shooting

Fairfax, Virgina

In the empty offices of the National Rifle Association (NRA) in Fairfax, VA, a high-ranking official sat down to discuss a peculiar implication of the COVID pandemic.

NRA: There are no more mass shootings!

Reporter: Isn’t that a good thing?

NRA: Well, I guess some of the fruit juice drinkers are happy about it, but it hasn’t been great for the NRA.

Reporter: How so?

NRA: Look around here.  You might get the idea everyone is working from home.  Fact is, we had to cut back on staff.  Most of those we had to let go were on our Incident Response Team.  No incidents, so no response. 

Reporter: So you want a mass shooting?

NRA: It would be really nice if we could bring some of those folks back.  Besides, we what would be better than some gruesome images of bullet-shattered corpses take our minds off all the depressing news about the pandemic.  We were hoping for there would be more shooting in those Black fellas’ protests, but they just broke a few windows.

Reporter: I guess you need to just sit tight and wait.

NRA: Well, obviously, we can’t just send anyone out to mow down dozens of citizens, that would probably … okay, definitely involve some criminal liability on our part.  But you may have noticed that there seem to be a lot of big crowds in many of the same regions that coincidentally have a lot of serious 2^nd Amendment defenders.  So, we’re keeping our fingers crossed that the right person gets cut off in the parking lot, or thinks someone bumped into his girlfriend, and before you know it – BAM – we’re back in business.

Reporter: I suppose you are pushing for schools to reopen, because nothing gets more attention than …

NRA: [Interrupts] Oh my, God.  Why didn’t I think of that?  Sorry, gotta make a few calls.

More Mary Trump Revelations

Too Much and Never Enough: How My Family Created the World’s Most Dangerous Man, the explosive memoir by Donald Trump’s niece Mary, has captured the world’s attention.  Most of the media interest has focused on the Trump family’s secretive finances and the president’s political development.  But in a recent interview, the author mentioned some other revelations about Donald Trump that we may have missed.

Has really smelly feet: Smelly doesn’t begin to describe it.  When he took his shoes off indoors the dogs would start howling.  I’m not sure if he actually had bone spurs, but something tells me that podiatrist would have been willing to write anything just to get him to put his shoes back on. 

Can’t pronounce croquet: I remember when we were all at our grandparents when Uncle Donald says, ‘hey kids, wanna play some croquette?’  I had to punch my brother to keep him from laughing.  I thought he might be joking, so the next time we were over there I said, ‘hey Uncle Don, how about some croquette?’ to see if he would laugh.  But he just went and got the mallets.  When we were done he said, “gee, you kids sure love croquette.”  My brother and I laughed for a whole hour.  Of course, he cheated.

Did we mention his smelly feet: One time we were at the pool … you know, outside … in the sun, when Uncle Donald comes out with a date.  You should have heard her scream when he took his shoes off.  ‘Oh my God, Donald.  What’s that stink?’  We never saw her again.

Doesn’t know how to score bowling: Bowling was really big in Queens back then.  For some reason, Uncle Donald never bowled but always insisted on keeping score, even though he didn’t have a clue about how to score a strike or a spare.  I remember once when Aunt Elizabeth was ready to rip his hair after she bowled the game of her life and he tallied her score at 73.”

A really cheap tipper: “Okay, no surprise there, right?”