Mueller Cannot Give Clear Order for Breakfast

Overheard in a local diner

Washington, DC

May 29, 2019

[Robert S.] Mueller [III]:  Can you tell me about your breakfast specials?

Waitress:  Sure, hon.  We have four specials today: Number 1 is a bacon and eggs with toast; Number 2 is French toast; Number 3 is a Western omelet; and Number 4 is oatmeal with raisins or blueberries.  They’re all $4.99, unless you want to add a side.   So what’ll it be?

Mueller:  They all sound really good.  But my doctor says I need to eat healthier, and I have to do what my doctor says.

Waitress:  I’m no doctor, but it sounds like you are saying you want the oatmeal.  Number 4.

Mueller:  Bacon and eggs?  I know that’s bad for my cholesterol. 

Waitress:  So, you want the oatmeal?

Mueller:  And French toast?  Sounds too rich.

Waitress:  Why don’t you just let me bring you the oatmeal?  We don’t add any sugar.

Mueller:  And what’s in the Western omelet?

Waitress:  That’s a 3-egg omelet with ham, green peppers, and onion.

Mueller:  Ouch!  That’s not only bad for my cholesterol, but there’s the acid reflux.

Waitress:  Okay.  I can bring you the oatmeal if you want.  All you have to do is tell me "I want the oatmeal."

Mueller:  It’s not what I want.  But like I said, according to my doctor, I need to eat healthier.

Waitress:  Look, mister, from all that you said is seems clear that you want the oatmeal.  Is that right?

Mueller:  Didn’t you hear what I told you?  What I want doesn't matter; it's what my doctor will allow.  There should be no more questions.

Waitress:  Well I have one.  What do you want for lunch?

Mueller:  Huh?

Waitress:  We just stopped selling breakfast.  

Citing Executive Privilege, Trump Refuses to Sign Son's Report Card

May 7, 2019

Potomac, MD

Administrators at St. Andrew’s Episcopal School were flummoxed when the parents of one of their students refused to sign his 3^rd Quarter Progress Report:

“It’s not that odd that parents forget to sign the report, but this is the first time I’ve heard a parent invoke Executive Privilege.”

“How does this involve Executive Privilege?”

“I asked, of course, but, um ..., the parent, was rather adamant that he would not discuss it further.”

“Just to be clear, 'the parent' we are talking about is President Donald Trump, correct?”

“The parent was also rather adamant that I not mention his name.  He was rather graphic about what might happen if I did.  Then handed the phone to his wife and said, ‘here, it’s about the boy.’”

“And was she more helpful?”

“It sounded like she wanted to be, but she ended up saying, ‘I cannot sign it because of that thing Donald said.’”

“So it was President Trump.”

[Gulps] “There are a lot men named Donald.”

“Okay.  Did Barron, or 'the student,’ get bad grades?”

“Actually, we do not give out students ‘grades.’  Our students’ progress is indicated primarily with emojis.  We just want parents to sign it to keep them involved.”

“So what now?  Are you going to appeal this?”

“Appeal?  It’s a report card, it’s not like we are going to make a Federal case out of this.”