Putin: Free Roger Now!

Moscow-Washington

February 20, 2020

Putin: Donald, why is Roger Stone going to jail?

Trump: Well, Vlad –and once again, I think it’s really cool that you let me call you Vlad – Roger isn’t in jail yet.

Putin: Donald, I saw the whole spectacle on the television today.  Poor Roger had to be humiliated by that woman.  I thought you said that you and that Barr fellow were going to take care of this.

Trump: Hey, Roger is a friend of mine, too, and we’re working on getting Roger a new trial.  We think we have a chance because …

Putin: A new trial?  He has to go through this whole thing again?  Is that how you take care of your friends, Donald?

Trump: Well, Vlad.  I can pardon him, but according to my lawyers, I can’t do that until …

Putin: Again with the lawyers.  Donald, when I handled that whole impeachment mess for you, you said you would be very grateful.  Remember that Donald?

Trump: Of course, I remember.  And don’t think that ….

Putin: I don’t think, Donald, I promise.  And I promise you that if you free my friend Roger soon, then I’ll take care of it.

Trump: Vlad, we talked about this before.  By taking care of it, you don’t mean ….?

Putin: Tick-tick-tick.  Goodbye, Donald.

Trump: And Vlad …

Putin: I know, Donald, Melania sends her best.

Communist Party USA Picks Bloomberg

New York, New York

March 5, 2020

-      I must say, I was quite shocked when I received the press release saying “Bloomberg to Lead Communist Ticket in 2020.”

-      Well, you would never have received that press release if this Bloomburg guy hadn’t kicked in a lot of dough.

-      You were that low in funds?

-      You bet.  At our last annual Gus Hall Lecture we had to serve store brand bagels.  We used to get a check every year from Mr. Browder.

-      Bill Browder?  The millionaire financier whose grandfather was General Secretary of the party in the 30s and 40s?  He gives money to the communists?

-      Gave – past tense.  We told him we needed the money to put together a publication of his grandfather’s speeches.  I guess he finally caught on because we haven’t heard from him for some time.

-      But that all changed.

-      That’s right.  One day we got a call from this Bloomberg fellow saying that he was ready to make a sizeable donation to the Party if we would make him our Presidential candidate.

-      And it was that easy?

-      To tell you the truth, we weren’t even going to run a candidate this year, but we figure this will be a good way to get the brand out.

-      Still, it’s pretty ironic that Mike Bloomberg, one of the richest men in the world, is running as a communist.

-      Wait.  It’s that Bloomberg?  I thought it was the Ike Bloomberg, the old editor at Forward.  A Trotskyite is one thing, but ... but ... this is really embarrassing.  I wondered where he could have come up with the money.

-      What are you going to do now?

-      Not much we can do.  He pretty much bought the party.  I wish now that I had asked some more questions about his running mate.

-      Who’s that?

-      Some guy named Romney.

Biden Suddenly Open to Foreign Meddling

February 12, 2020

JB:  Hunter?  Glad you’re in.

HB:  Dad?  Is that really you?  I thought your campaign manager said not to call me.

JB:  Look, I’m desperate.  Do you still have any friends in Ukraine?

HB:  Huh? 

JB:  I know you had a phony job and everything, but you must have some useful contacts there.

HB:  Are you looking for a job, Dad?

JB:  Yes, President of the United States.  Did you see the results in New Hampshire?  My campaign is in the toilet.  What’s the name of that Ukrainian company that meddled in 2016?

HB:  Are talking about CrowdStrike?

JB:  Yeah, that’s it.  Cool name.  Do you know anyone there?

HB:  Look, Dad.  Not even Trump believes CrowdStrike had anything to do with the 2016 election.  Maybe it would help if you stopped insulting the voters.

JB:  Suddenly you’re an expert on campaigns, you mangy boll weevil.  Do you have a number for them or not?

HB:  Goodbye, Dad.

JB:  What?  Don’t you hang up on me, you … you, toothless Tomcat … you ….Hunter?

[Dial tone]

Romney Suddenly Leads Democratic Field

Concord, New Hampshire

February 5, 2020

In a stunning development, the latest AP presidential poll for the Democratic nomination shows that Utah Senator Mitt Romney has catapulted to the head of the field, even though Romney has not announced his candidacy and has given no indication of ending his lifelong association with the Republican Party.  Nonetheless, Romney was the choice of 56% of likely Democratic respondents, far outpacing his nearest rival, Pete Buttigieg at 18%.

When asked to list the reasons they supported Romney, the top responses were “Voted for Impeachment,” (94%), “Looks Presidential” (5%), and “Not Bernie Sanders” (1%).

We called Senator Romney’s office for reaction, but the woman who answered the call said something about a crank call and hung up.