Hidden Assets Surrounded by "Big Water"

Responding to allegations that some of his Cabinet members and advisors avoided paying their fair share of taxes by moving assets to secret offshore accounts, President Donald Trump echoed the language he used to defend his administration's hurricane relief efforts in Puerto Rico:  "Those assets are on islands surrounded by water, big water, ocean water.  At least I think so."  Pressed on why that should matter the President explained, "I'm not sure mail can be delivered to some of these places, so how can they pay taxes when they never get the bill?"  Being informed that most of these tax havens -- Bermuda, for example -- do receive mail did not seem to sway the President:  "Okay, let's say they got the bill.  Then they would have to ship all that money, which would probably cost more than the taxes they owed, it just doesn't make any sense."  Mr. Trump ignored followup questions on his dubious math or on why the money could not be wired.  He added:  "I think the American people are more concerned with Mexicans stealing American jobs than they are with some smart businessmen looking for banks that pay the best interest with free checking."

Brazile: Not THAT Clinton!

Former Democratic National Committee Chairwoman Donna Brazile found herself at the center of a firestorm when stories circulated that she had seriously considered replacing Hillary Clinton with Vice President Joe Biden as the Democratic Party's standard bearer in the 2016 election:

-  I don't know how these rumors get started, but that thought never entered my mind.  My plan was for Joe Biden to replace Bill Clinton.
-  Wife-swapping?
-  No, that would be sexist.  I prefer "spouse-swapping."
-  Really?  Could you get way with that?
-  Hey, remember who the Republicans nominated?  I think we could have gotten away with it.
-  But why?
-  After that tape came out with Trump bragging about -- well, you know -- we saw that we weren't getting as big a jump with women as we expected.  Whenever we would bring it up, Trump would bring up Bill Clinton.  Look, I love Bill Clinton, but he was becoming an albatross.  But Joe Biden?  Women loved him.
-  So how far did this go?
-  Not very far.  I sat down with the Clintons to sound them out.
-  And?
-  President Clinton got out his phone and started to dial when Ambassador Clinton said, "Bill, we're not doing this!"  I thought I noticed a grimace, but then he just smiled and said, "Of course not, pumpkin, you're my girl.  Yup, you're my girl."  Then he accidentally dropped and smashed his phone.
-  Did the Bidens ever catch wind of this?
-  I never mentioned it to them, but they might have heard rumors.  The next time I saw them I walked over to say hello but Mrs. Biden summoned her Secret Service detail and had me escorted out.

"Don" Trump

White House staffers report that they have noted a marked shift in President Donald Trump’s viewing habits recently:

-      He hardly tunes in to Fox News any more.  He used to be glued to that channel for hours.

-      That’s good, right?  I mean, he must be getting other sources of information now.

-      Not really.  He hardly watches any news at all.

-      What do you mean?  Is he actually reading up on policy?

-      Heh, good one.  No, now he spends hours at a time watching The Godfather.

-      The Godfather?  Really?  That’s a pretty deep film.  And long.  It’s hard to imagine him sitting through the whole trilogy.

-      He doesn’t sit through the whole trilogy.  He just watches certain scenes over and over, like the baptism scene from Part 1, where Michael wipes out all his rivals.  He really likes that one..  Every time you think to yourself, this has to be it. But then he says, “one more time.”

-      What’s the point though?  Does he like the Al Pacino that much?    

-      It’s hard to tell.  Most of the time he he just leans forward and glares.  But that’s not so unusual.  One time though, when he was watching the scene in Part 2 where Tom tells Michael that he can't kill everybody, the President just shook his head and muttered, "You just can't trust people, right, Michael?"