Putin-Trump: The Lost Translator's Notes (Vol. 1)

Helsinki, Finland

July 16, 2018

VP:  Donald, let’s say you get the go-ahead for your building in Moscow …

DT:  It’s my dream, Vlad.

VP:  [Annoyed]  I was saying, let’s say you get the go-ahead for your building in Moscow, what – how do you say? – amenities, would my apartment have?

DT:  All the details are right here. [Hands Putin a folder]

VP:  [Scanning documents]  Let me see: 24-hour concierge, private elevator, cathedral ceilings, stainless steel appliances.  This all looks very nice.  Let’s see what else [Turning page].

DT:  [Lunges to block view] Oh, that’s nothing important.

VP:  [Removing Trump’s hands]  What is this, Donald?  $4,000 monthly fee.  What fee?  I thought this apartment was a sign of your respect.

DT: [laughing nervously]  Well, Vlad.  That’s the way it works in condominiums.  All these ‘amenities’ cost a lot of rubles. 

VP:  You will have to waive the fee.  I cannot afford $4,000 a month.  Do you know how much I make?

DT:  But don’t you have a friend who could, well, you know?
VP:  Donald, are you suggesting I abuse my position as President of the Russian Federation for personal gain?  Maybe your media would be interested in knowing …

DT:  Calm down.  Okay, I’ll waive the fee.

VP:  That’s better.  Please prepare new documents.

DT:  That could take a while.  Cohen, drew these up for me.

VP:  Cohen?  Who is Cohen?  Is he someone we can trust?

DT:  Say, Vlad, that’s a beautiful tie!