The Trumps Catch Up

Eric:  Dad?  I know we're not supposed to have much contact -- conflicts of interest, and all -- but I wanted to know the great news.  We're going to have a baby!

Donald:  That is great news.  Congratulations, son.

Eric:  I understand if you don't have much time to talk, but as long as I have you on the line, how did that hearing go?  You know, the one on Russia.

Donald:  Are you kidding?  It went great, but, um ...  I was just thinking.  What's more important than family?  Right?  Maybe I should just quit this job while I'm ahead so I can help take care of that new grandchild. 

Eric:  What?  You can't be serious.  First, of all, if you're worried about family, maybe you could start be spending some time with Barron.

Donald:  Who?

Eric:  Your son -- Barron, remember?  Wife No. 3? 

Donald:  Of course.  Of course.  I thought you meant that real Baron who used to live in Palm Beach.  Hey, Barron's doing great, but how often do I get to spoil a grandchild?

Eric:  Oh yeah?  Okay, grandpa, what are Ivanka's childrens' names?

Donald:  Um, don't tell me it's ... it's ... something from the Bible ... wait ....

Eric:  How about Tiffany?  What's her baby's name?

Donald:  Beauregard?

Eric:  Tiffany doesn't have a baby!  Come on, Dad, tell me what's going on. 

Donald:  Okay, maybe this is a little tougher than I was expecting, but really hoping to get back to ... family.  Yeah, back to spending more time with the family.  And by the way, I see the new Forbes list came out ...

Eric:  Shhhh. Remember Dad, no business.  Anyway, great chat, gotta run. 

Donald, To a dead phone, despairingly: ... down $1 Billion.

Trump Admits to Sometimes Mixing Up Billions and Millions

During the presidential campaign, many observers suggested that Donald Trump greatly exaggerated his personal wealth.  On the heels of his blockbuster budget proposal, Trump admitted to Fox News’s Sean Hannity that he often mixes up billions, with a ‘b,’ and millions.  “Hey, when you’re as rich as me, I mean millions? billions?  Who knows. That’s why we pay the accountants.”  Still, Trump was disconcerted when following news reports on his own budget.  “I kept asking myself, did I mean to cut that much?  Let’s face it, this budget really screws a few agencies.  Maybe I really meant to take $11 million from State?  Oh well, too late now.”

Trump Can't Remember TurboTax Password

The White House

The shock release of fragments from Donald Trump’s 2005 tax returns has rekindled a question that has plagued the president for the past year: "what is my TurboTax password?  Melianiac …  Ivankiada …  Trumpeter … it’s gotta be one of these!”  According to Trump, there is a simple reason why he has not released his tax returns for the past two decades: “I forgot my TurboTax password.  For years it was simple, ‘TheDonald,’ but then I saw this story on ID theft that said you should change your passwords frequently, so I changed my TurboTax to … to … dammit!”  Trump understands the skepticism that he would use an online tax service rather than a high-powered accounting firm to do his taxes.  “Remember, there’s one flat fee.  It doesn’t matter if you’re a loser who makes under $100K a year – are there really still people like that? – or a brilliant businessman who pulls in $200M in a year – AFTER writedowns.  You think that’s how it works on Wall Street?”  Trump now wishes he had just written down the new password.  “But you’re not supposed to write down your passwords, right?

White House Sets Wish List for Future WikiLeaks Revelations

Jon Huntsman, soon to be nominated to as the United States’ next ambassador to the Russian Federation, described a bizarre interview with Steve Bannon, presidential consigliere, that consisted primarily of Bannon going over President Donald Trump’s needs for technical assistance:

This is how the interview got started:  he says, ‘Snapchat, have you heard of it?’  And I said, of course, I’ve heard of it, I’m just not sure what it is.  And he says, ‘The President would really like to establish a Snapchat presence, to help with the younger voters.’  I didn’t know why he’s telling me this, but after a few awkward moments he says, ‘Well, sometime when you’re in your office, especially if you’re standing by the window overlooking the courtyard, you might want to say out loud, “President Trump would like instructions on how to use SnapChat – but remember that he’s a 70-year old man.”’  I was hoping that we were going to talk about Crimea after that, or maybe ISIS, but then he tells me, ‘And the next time you happen to be standing there, at the window overlooking the courtyard – preferably by the bonsai tree, you might think to say, “President Trump would like to know what settings he should use with his Samsung phone to take photos at night – but remember that he’s a 70-year old man.”’  After that it was casting to a second screen, saving Google searches, and, oddly, finding out Alexa’s true identity.

Huntsman is expected to receive Senate approval easily with bipartisan support.

New Visa for Immigrant Models

Despite the Trump Administration's controversial plans to restrict immigration and strengthen American border controls as part of the President's broader plan to revive the US economy, the Administration apparently recognizes the value to American business and society provided by one special class of immigrants: models.  "Look, no one loves American women more than me, believe me," commented President Trump, "but let's face it, some of those foreign gals can really move some magazines when they're on the cover."  Consequently, the President signed an executive order creating a new DDD visa for foreign models.  "But this will be based on merit," added the President, "no dogs!  And we might need an age limit."  For some unexplained reason, the White House press release noted that the executive order includes a waiver for foreign nationals to receive payment for modeling in the US without proper work authorization, retroactive to 1995.