The Anti-COVID Liberation Front Covers Its Tracks

Somewhere in Middle America, a group of heroes convened behind a crowded tavern to continue their struggle to save America from Tyranny

Joe:  Ed, where’s your mask?
Ed:  I thought we weren’t supposed to wear masks because COVID was a hoax?
Joe:  How many times do we have to go through this – we aren’t wearing masks to protect ourselves from that hoax virus.  We need to hide our faces because we shouldn’t be seen together, ever since well …  Now do you have a mask or not?
Dave:  I have an extra [pulls a package of 20 surgical masks from pocket]
Ed:  Thanks
Joe:  Hey, what do you need all those masks for?
Dave:  Well, the CDC recommends that you wear a mask if you are going to be in a crowd, even if you’ve been vaccin… [Notices stares] I should probably stop talking now.
Joe:  Wait, you took the Fauci shot?
Dave:  No, Johnson and Johnson.  I wanted the one I could pronounce.
Joe:  Why do you think we all went to Washington to keep President Trump in office?  So we would line up like sheep for some shot of God knows what?
Ed:  I thought we went because those God-less socialists were trying to steal the election.
Woody:  I thought we went to keep our guns.
Joe:  Yeah,  all that stuff.  But I still can’t believe you got one of those stupid shots.  They probably put a tiny little microphone in your arm.  I’ll bet Nancy Pelosi is listening to us right now.
Dave:  I don’t think they have microphones that small, Joe, and if they did, I doubt Nancy Pelosi would be listening to us.
Joe:  It was just a figure of speech, Ed, and ….
Ed:  [Interrupting} What about Pfizer, Dave?
Dave:  What?
Ed:  [Nervously]  What about the Pfizer vaccine?  Do you think they have microphones in them?
Joe:  Wait, you too, Ed?  Has anyone else here got a vaccine?  [Everyone tries to avoid eye contact]
Joe:  Oh, geez, and here I thought we were all fighting for the same thing on January 6.
Dave:  I told you then it was a bad idea, Joe.
Joe:  Our president needed patriots like us.  And we wouldn’t have to be hiding in the alley if someone didn’t post pictures of us online.  [All look at Ed]
Ed:  I’m sorry.  I posted them to a private group.  I didn’t think anyone else could see them.
Joe:  [Mockingly] “I didn’t think anyone else could see them.”  How come I keep see them popping up every other day?  Just how many pictures did you take?
Ed:  Twelve.   I have twelve photos of us in the Capital from when we went to Washington as kids.  I was trying to get photos in all the same spots.
Dave:  Wow, that’s kind of neat.  Did your dad take the photos back then?
Ed:  No, some policeman took them.  [Alarmed] Oh no, do you think that could be the guy Joe threw the flag pole at?
Joe:  Shhhh …  How many times do I have to tell you to stop talking about that?  That’s why I wanted us to get together – to remind you that we can’t be blabbing those details.  You never know when Big Brother is going to be listening.  [Hears snickering]  And what’s so funny, Dave?
Dave:  Sorry, Joe, it’s just that you said big brother, because the other day I was telling my big brother about how Woody couldn’t get the cap off his bear spray.  Remember?  [Struggles to open imaginary can]
[All laugh]
Woody:  Oh yeah, well how about when Phil tripped running up the stairs and fell into that Proud Boy’s butt.
[More laughter]
Joe:  [Screaming angrily] Shut it.  This is what I mean.  Do you want everyone to know we stormed the Capital on January 6? Unless you want the FBI knocking on the door you’d better stop …
[Voice from the bar]:  Would keep it down out there, Joe!  We can’t hear the game.
Dave:  Busted, Joe [All laugh]
Ed:  Joe, where are you going?
Woody:  Wow, I haven’t seen him run that fast since he realized Trump wasn’t on his way to the Capital.

Trump Needs His PIN Number

New York – Palm Beach
July 23, 2021
 
Trump: Allen, it’s me!
Weisselberg: Donald?  Why are you calling me?  My lawyers say I shouldn’t be talking to you.
Trump: Donald?  What happened to "Mr. Trump"?  Oh yeah, I almost forgot.  Well listen, what else are those lawyers of yours telling you, because … well … we never used to have any secrets, so …
Weisselberg: You know I can’t tell you that, Donald.  Why are you calling?
Trump: Okay, here’s the thing.  I was wondering if you know the PIN number for my ATM card.
Weisselberg: Your what?!
Trump: My PIN number.  It’s a 4-digit code that you need to …
Weisselberg: I know what a PIN number is, Donald.  I just can’t believe your calling me about that.
Trump: Hey, my pop always told me that you’re the “numbers man,” so I just figured that maybe you knew.
Weisselberg: I could tell you the salary of every employee at the Trump Organization, Donald.  I could tell you how much taxes the Trump Organization paid – and I just might share that information with a few new friends of mine – but I’m afraid I don’t know the PIN number for your ATM card.  Why do you even need that?
Trump: Heh, funny you should ask.  I guess not all my expenses get covered automatically.  If there wasn’t a restaurant at Mar-A-Lago I wouldn’t eat.
Weisselberg: What do you mean?
Trump: Crazy, right?  I have to pay for food.  So I just show up in the dining room every night, chat up the crowd until I find someone eating a steak that doesn’t look too raw, then I set down and start eating.
Weisselberg: You steal their food?
Trump: Hey, they get an autograph!   And if they treat me to cake afterwards I even let them take a picture.
Weisselberg: Sounds like you don’t need that ATM card.
Trump: It’s getting kind of old.  There are nights I have to hang around for hours before someone orders a steak that isn't bleeding.  A few weeks ago I even had to crash a wedding. 
Weisselberg: Like I told you, Donald, I don’t know your PIN number.  Maybe Junior knows it?
Trump: You think I’d trust him?  Besides, for some reason his phone never seems to be working when I call.
Weisselberg: How about Jared, couldn’t he lend you some cash?
Trump: Funny, it’s the same thing.  I don’t know why these kids can’t get phones that work.
Weisselberg: Yeah, funny.
Trump: Okay, Allen.  Listen, stay strong, if you know what I mean.
Weisselberg: Goodbye, Donald.
…
[Both hang up.  Weisselberg turns to man in dark suit sitting next to him wearing headphones]
Agent: So, do you know his PIN number?
Weisselberg: 1-2-3-4.  He insisted.
Agent: [Laughs]  Okay, that was entertaining. But if he calls again, try to get him to explain what “stay strong” means.
Weisselberg: Oh, he’ll call again.
Agent: How can you be so sure?
Weisselberg: Do you think he remembers Melania’s birthday?