Trump Gets Why Everyone Is Laughing At Him

Washington, DC - Oval Office

April 27, 2020

Trump:  Jared, come on in.

Kushner:  Thank you for seeing me, sir.  Ivanka said you were a little down.

Trump:  You know, Jared, I understand everyone’s laughing at me.  But …

Kushner:  [Interrupts] Don’t worry, sir, I’m sure that whole ‘bleach thing’ will pass over.

Trump:  [Surprised]  Bleach thing?

Kushner:  [Nervously] You know, sir, your … um … sarcastic remarks about injecting bleach into the body, which, um, everyone knows you can’t do because … because … um

Trump:  Yeah, I zinged those reporters good, huh.  Wait, you think people are laughing at me because of that?

Kushner:  [Even more nervously] Well, sir, a few people thought … um … that maybe … um …. Well, sir, why don’t you tell me why you think they’re laughing at you.

Trump:  Didn’t you read the news over the weekend?

Kushner:  Yes, sir.

Trump:  Then isn’t it obvious?  [Points to headline: “First Lady Melania Trump Celebrates 50^th Birthday”]

Kushner:  Now I think I understand.  But don’t worry, sir, I’m sure that when this whole pandemic is over you will be able to throw her a big party that will …

Trump:  No!  You don’t get it at all.  Imagine:  Donald Trump – the “Donald” – married to a 50-year old woman!  It’s humiliating.

Kushner:  Sir, I really don’t think that ….

Trump:  [Oblivious] And now everyone’s laughing at me.  I’m so glad my father isn’t alive to see me married to an old woman.  It would kill him.

Kushner:  But, sir, didn’t your father stay married to your mother, and …

Trump:  Now, don’t worry.  Melania and her kid, um, um, …

Kushner:  Barron.

Trump:  Barron?  Are you sure?  Don’t worry, Melania and Barron will be taken care of.  Then, it’s time for the Donald to bring in a new model.  I’m thinking I should go back to a blond this time.

Kushner:  Do you think now is the time to be thinking about this?

Trump:  Of course, now is the time to be thinking about this.  It’s gotta take place before the election.  At first I thought I’d play the swinging bachelor for a while, but then it came to me.  Imagine this: we could double up the inauguration with a presidential wedding.  I’m sure that will bring in bigger crowds than the Kenyan got.

Kushner:  [Gulps]  And who are you going to marry?

Trump:  Don’t you worry about that.  I’ve got Junior and Eric narrowing down candidates.  But I’ve got an important job for you.

Kushner: [Gulps] Yes, sir.

Trump:  I want you to break the word to the current Mrs. Trump.

Kushner:  [Shocked] Me.  Why me?   Um … um … um … what do I tell her?

Trump:  You’re a smart guy.  I trust you to come up with something good.  But between me and you, you might want to remind her that Homeland Security is still looking into whether she worked back in the 90s when she was here on a tourist visa.  Okay.  Run along.  Hannity’s coming on.

[Kushner exits into hallway hyperventilating.  Walks by Vice President Pence, Chief of Staff Meadows, Mitch McConnell and Ivanka Trump hiding behind a corner.]

Pence:  Well, did you tell him that I’ll be doing the coronavirus briefings from now on?  Jared?  Where are you running to?  Get back here, Kushner!

The Real Story Behind Kim's Mystery Illness

Washington – Pyongyang

April 19, 2020

Kim:  Donald?

Trump:  Kim, my old friend, how are you?

Kim:  Not very good, Donald.  [Coughs] I have had this cough, and I am sweating a lot more than usual.

Trump:  Wow, that sounds bad.  Say, do you have the Chinese virus?  Oh, sorry, my son, um, …

Kim:  Barron?

Trump:  Yeah, that’s it.  Well, he says it’s racist to use that name.

Kim:  No problem, Donald, here we call it the “Big brother who won’t keep his nose out of our business” virus.  I am not sure because we do not have any tests yet.  Of course, I don’t need to tell you how big a problem that is.

[Both laugh – Kim coughs again]

Trump:  Listen, Kim, don’t worry.  I have the cure.

Kim:  Donald, I have tried those pills you keep talking about, but they didn’t work.

Trump:  Forget the pills.  They were my dopey son-in-law’s idea.  But this is the real deal.  Are you listening?

Kim:  Of course I’m listening, Donald.

Trump:  Bleach!

Kim:  We must have a bad connection, Donald.  I thought you said bleach.

Trump:  That’s right, bleach.  The same stuff you use for whiter whites.

Kim:  Well, how much do I take?

Trump:  I’m not too sure.  Maybe you should start out with a capful and see how it goes.

Kim:  And do I take it straight?

Trump:  You might try mixing it with your favorite beverage so it will go down easier.

Kim:  I don’t know, Donald.  This sounds very risky.

Trump:  Trust me, I have a feeling about this, just like I knew this virus thing would become a pandemic.

Kim:  Okay, Donald.  I owe you one ... I think.

Trump:  Don’t mention it.  Goodbye, Kim.

Kim:  Goodbye, Donald.

[Both hang up]

Kim:  [To aide]  Well, what do you think?  Should I try bleach?

Aide: It sounds crazy, but what do you have to lose?

A Meeting of the Anti-COVID Liberation Front

Somewhere in Middle America, a group of heroes convened in an empty tavern to save the Republic from Tyranny

Joe:  Fellow Patriots!  It’s heartwarming to see that so many of you answered the call to save our nation.  First of all, let’s take roll.

Dave:  Joe, is that really necessary?  There’s only 13 of us.  And maybe there shouldn’t be any record of who’s here, because technically we are breaking the 10-person limit on gatherings, so [notices angry stares] …. I guess I’ll stop talking now.

Joe:  Okay, we’ll dispense with the roll and get right into our plan of action.  Now, first ….

Ed:  Joe?  I see everyone else brought their AR-15s.  No one told me we were going in armed.

Joe:  Of course we’re going in armed.  We’re patriots!

[Brief whooping]

Ed:  But who are we fighting?

Joe:  Um, no one, really, but we need to show them that we’re not afraid of any lib dem radicals.

Dave:  Are there going to be lib dem radicals?  I forgot my tac-glasses.

Joe:  No, no, no.  The lib dem radicals are all home hiding under their blankets.  The guns are for effect, to show … to show … [getting flustered] it doesn’t matter, we’re going in armed and that’s that.  Ed, you can stand in back.  Now, as I was saying, on this great day, we are going to show the Zionist-occupied world order that they don’t control us; that we … we … we’ll continue if Dave wouldn’t mind paying attention.

Dave:  [Hastily putting away iPhone]  Sorry, Joe, just a work email I had to look at.

Woody:  Work email?  What do you do?

Dave:  I’m an accountant.  Don’t tell anyone, but this shutdown has been a godsend.  I never get this much done at the office, what with all the ... [notices angry stares] ... I guess I'll stop talking now. 

Joe:  [Sarcastically] Thank you, Dave.  Now, it’s plain as day that the deep state people are using this virus hoax to take away our rights.  If we don’t take a stand … [angrily] what now, Ed?

Ed:  If the virus is a hoax, how come we’re all wearing masks?

Joe:  We always wear masks, Ed.

Ed:  But how come our seats are pushed so far apart?

Joe:  I don’t know, Ed, maybe that’s just the way they were.  Can we get on with it?

Ed:  Okay.

Joe:  So the first thing we do when we get to the Statehouse is …

[All dive to floor after short burst of gunfire.]

Joe:  [Dusting self off] Okay, what the fuck was that?

Woody:  Sorry everyone.  I thought someone was breathing on me.

Joe:  I’m pretty sure we all know the plan.  We stand in formation on the Statehouse steps and hold up these beautiful signs that the Patriot Ladies Auxiliary sewed for us.  I thought we it would be a good idea if we travelled in as few vehicles as possible.  So, Dave and Larry, you ride with me.  Ed and Tom, you ride with Woody.  [Looks up to alarmed faces]  Or, maybe we all ride in our own cars.

Harry:  Hey, the President just tweeted “Liberate Minnesota”

[Wild cheering]

Ed:  Don't we live in Michigan?

Melania Has Already Spent Her Stimulus Check

White House - Situation Room

April 15, 2020

Trump:  Hey, Steve, could you hang on for a minute?

Mnuchin:  Of course, Mr. President, and if I could just say again, that I continue to be inspired by your firm leadership during this crisis.  Why, I was just telling …

Trump:  Can it.  I know I’m a great President already.  The thing is, I almost hate to bring it up, but Melania hasn’t gotten her check yet.

Mnuchin:  Her check?

Trump:  You know, her $1,200, like all Americans are getting.  As for me, of course, I won’t be accepting it, but Mrs. Trump has already spent hers on a necklace or something.

Mnuchin:  Sir, I thought you understood.  Not all Americans are getting a $1,200 check, and if you made more than $100,000 last year, you do not get anything.  Now I am guessing that Mrs. Trump will not be eligible for a check.

Trump:  Well, what will we have to do to make her eligible?

Mnuchin:  Make her eligible, sir?

Trump:  Yeah.  Do I have to re-file our taxes or something?

Mnuchin:  With all the scrutiny your taxes receive, I’m not sure that would be wise.  Couldn’t you just pay for the necklace, sir?

Trump:  Listen, Melania is an independent gal.  She was really happy to buy something with money she earned herself!

Mnuchin:  Well, sir, then maybe you could just write a check, and tell her that you took it out of the Treasury instead of your personal account?

Trump:  Good idea, but her kid …

Mnuchin:  Barron?

Trump:  Yeah, him, he already explained to her that I can’t do that.

Mnuchin:  [Laughing] Well, I guess I could have our guys at IRS print your name on the stimulus check, that way …

Trump:  Okay, do it.

Mnuchin:  [Alarmed] But, sir, that would probably cost millions of dollars, and …

Trump:  So, you can do it.  Thanks for taking care of it.  You’re a real pal.

Mnuchin:  [Yells at departing Trump] You’re an inspiration to us all, sir!

Trump: I Want My !@#$ Shot Now!

White House – Outside the Oval Office

April 14, 2020

Trump:  [Heard shouting from behind door] Where’s my shot?  I want my shot!

Aide:  Thank God, you’re here.

Pence:  He’s still at it?

Aide:  Yes, Mr. Pence, and his next briefing is in a half hour.  You just have to calm him down so that he won’t sound even more, um, um, "passionate" than usual.

Pence:  I’ll see what I can do. [Enters office]  Hello, Mr. President, I hear you are still inquiring about the availability of a COVID 19 vaccine.  Well, ..

Trump:  [Grabbing Pence by the collar]  I told you to spare no expense!  I want my !@#$ shot, and I want it now!  I’m planning on cashing in big time when I leave this place, so the last thing I need is to catch that Chinese virus.

Pence:  Mr. President, as we’ve explained, no one enters the White House without being tested for, um, the Chinese virus, so you really have nothing to worry about.

Trump:  Tests?  You think I trust tests?

Pence:  Well, sir, even if one of the tests failed, and in the unlikely event you were infected, there’s always hydroxychloroquine.

Trump:  What?

Pence:  You know, sir, the “game changer” that you have been mentioning almost daily?

Trump:  Are you kidding?  I wouldn’t give that snake oil to Marla’s kid.  I need a shot!  Where’s my shot?

Pence:  Well, sir, as I, Dr. Fauci, Dr. Birx, Mr. Azar, Mr. Hannity, President Putin, Crown Prince bin Salaam, Mrs. Trump, Mrs. Kushner, Barron, and many others have tried to explain to you, vaccine development takes time. 

Trump:  Time!  I haven’t got time which means you haven’t got time!  If there’s no vaccine in two weeks I swear I’ll rip that !@#$ Sunday school smirk off your face!

[Pence exists office]

Aide:  Well, how is he?

Pence:  I haven’t seen him this calm in weeks.

Trump: First We Re-Open the Golf Courses

White House – Situation Room

April 12, 2020

Pence:  As we all know, President Trump [hesitates as all bow their heads] has tasked us with developing a strategy for re-opening the economy.  Now, …

Aide 1:  Mike, like Dr. Fauci said, it’s too early to talk about re-opening the economy. 

Pence:  Settle down, we all have great respect for Dr. Fauci [faint chicken clucks heard in background], but when we are ready, we’ll need a plan.

Aide 2:  But why can’t we just move ahead now, Mike?  Like President Trump [hesitates as all bow their heads] has said, we have all those hydorofax, I mean chlorozide, I mean, um, um, COVID cure pills.

Pence:  Okay, let’s stay focused on the economic plan.  Now, when we are ready to get things moving, President Trump [hesitates as all bow their heads] has laid out his priorities.  First, we open the golf courses, then, …

Aide 1:  Hold on a second, did you say golf courses?  I’m not sure that I hear too many Americans clamoring for golf courses to re-open.  What about …

Pence:  The American public, which voted overwhelmingly for President Trump [hesitates as all bow their heads, while glancing for looks of disbelief] in 2016 because they trust his judgment.  If you will allow me to continue, first, we open the golf courses, then, we open the hotels.

Aide 2:  Hotels!  Now there’s a good idea.  The tourism industry really took a knockout blow during all this.

Pence:  I thought you’d like that one.  So, this means that the first step should be to re-open all golf resort facilities, thus combining the top two priorities.  Now to get this done, these facilities will need debt forgiveness, Federal loans, and curtailment of any investigations into their pre-COVID labor practices.

Aide 1:  [Uncomfortable silence] Um, Mike, wouldn’t that mean …

Fauci:  [Enters to embarrassed silence]  Sorry I’m late, someone must have given me the wrong room number.