Putin: How is Roger?

January 25, 2019

VP:        I really enjoy these chats, Donald.  They help me stay – how do you Americans say again? – centered.  That’s it.

DT:        Thanks, Vlad.  You know, I still think it’s so cool you let me call you Vlad.  I think Americans would like you a lot more if they knew how well you spoke English.

VP:        Let’s keep that our little secret.  Before I go, Donald, how is Roger these days?  I have not heard from him in some time.

DT:        [Nervous laughter]  Roger?

VP:        Yes, Donald, Roger.  Roger Stone.  We had such fun working together on the campaign.  The stories that man could tell!  He always made me laugh.

DT:        Listen, Vlad, I have some bad news.  Roger was arrested today.

VP:        Arrested?  What country was he visiting?  I’ll have my …

DT:        No, he was home.  In Florida.

VP:        Home?  How did you let this happen, Donald?

DT:        [Nervous laughter]  We’ve talked about this before, Vlad, I can’t just … um …

VP:        Can’t just what, Donald?  You shut down your government over some stupid wall!  Are you going to tell me you can’t tell some prosecutor to mind his own business? 

DT:        Don’t worry, Roger has a real good lawyer, so I’m sure …

VP:        Lawyers!  I see I will have to take care of this.  Roger is my friend.  And friends take care of each other, right, Donald? 

DT:        [Panicked] Listen, when you say “take care of” you don’t mean … well, you know?

VP:        [Silence]

DT:        Vlad?  Are you still there?  Vlad, listen, you can’t mean …

VP:        Shh, Donald, the less you know the better.  Let’s just say I’ll have to find Roger a better “lawyer.”

DT:        [Nervous laughter]  Okay, until next week.  Melania sends her best.

VP:        I know that, Donald.