Trump Arrested in Nobel Sting

New York, New York
May 4, 2021

The U.S. Marshals Service announced that they arrested former President Donald Trump today, ending a weeks-long standoff.  Trump has been bunkered in the Trump Tower ever since a federal grand jury returned charges against him for tax fraud, accepting foreign inducements, and inducing sedition, but was lured out by a ruse notification that he was being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.  The FBI is still investigating the former president’s involvement in the theft of various White House memorabilia following his electoral defeat.

“We knew he wasn’t going anywhere, so we thought we could wait him out.  But then we decided that this had gone on long enough.”

“Who came up with this idea?”

“Someone at HQ.  From the press we knew that Mr. Trump was obsessed with the idea of winning the Nobel Peace Prize but at the same time had no recognition of what that entailed.”

“Still, how did you pull it off?”

“Well, we got word to him that some foreigners were waiting in the lobby to hand him his prize.  He just couldn’t say no.”

“Wait.  Awarding the Nobel Peace Prize in a lobby?  What about …”

“Like I said, no recognition of what it entailed.”

“And how did you get word to him?  From what I understand, he has cut off almost all communication with the outside world.”

“We had help from a cooperating witness?”

“Inside the Trump inner circle?  Who?”

“I am not at liberty to reveal our source’s name, but from what I understand this individual no longer has to worry about investigation into whether or not she lied on her citizenship application about modeling work she did in the US while on a tourist visa.”

Trump: Doc, Are You Sure It's Covid?

Walter Reed Hospital
Bethesda, Maryland
October 2, 2020

Doctor rushes into room

Doctor: What happened?  I got here as fast as I could.
Nurse: [Exasperated] Nothing happened.  Nothing has changed.  But he insisted I call you – again.
Trump: [Hoarsely] Doc?  Doc?  I’m glad you’re here.  Listen, I just have to ask you, are you sure it’s COVID?
Doctor: Quite sure.
Trump: But, maybe we should get a second opinion.
Doctor: We don't need a second opinion.  We have been through this.  You have the textbook symptoms: cough, fever, fatigue, body ache, congestion.  Then there are all the tests.  You had the rapid test, the antibody test, the viral test.  And they all tell the same story.  You have COVID.  That’s why you’re here.  End of story.
Trump: Okay, okay.  But listen, isn’t it possible that …
Doctor: [Angrily] Mr. President, this has nothing to do with bone spurs!  
Trump: Well, maybe I have that COVID thing, too, but maybe the bone spurs are making it worse?
Doctor: We have learned a lot about COVID these past few months, and I can honestly say that bone spurs might be the one condition that has absolutely NO connection with the course of the disease.  NO connection.  None.

Trump: But the fever?

Doctor: No

Trump: The fa ...

Doctor: [Shouting] NO!
Trump: [Disheartened] Yeah, alright.  But couldn’t you just write down in my record that you found bone spurs?  It would really help me out.
Doctor: I promise that before you leave a podiatrist will give you a careful exam.
Trump: That would be great.  And, doc, just one more thing [picking up phone].
Doctor: Yes, Mr. President.
Trump: Do you think you could talk with the First Lady and explain that talking to me on the phone won’t violate her quarantine?

Trump Gets Why Everyone is Laughing at Him (Vol. 2)

White House
September 29, 2020
 
Trump:  Jared, always good to see you.

Kushner: Likewise.

Trump:  I’ll bet Ivanka sent you, worried about how all the news on my taxes was affecting me. 

Kushner:  As a matter of fact, she was.  Well, sir, how are you holding up?

Trump:  I must admit, I see why people are laughing, and it is embarrassing.

Kushner:  Sir, this can’t be worse than when the new broke of your alleged dalliance with Ms. Daniels, or whatever her real name is.

Trump:  Alleged what?

Kushner:  [Nervously] Um, well,  I guess it really doesn’t matter what you call it.  My point is that it you got through it.  And you will get through this. 

Trump:  I still don’t believe it.  $750.   It was that dope Kelly’s idea.  I’m glad I got rid of him.

Kushner:  Yes, sir.  Perhaps if you had paid more, it would …

Trump:  [Raises voice] More? You think I should have paid more?  Do you think that’s why people are laughing? 

Kushner:  [Even more nervously]  Um, well, perhaps you could explain why you think that is, sir. 

Trump:  Because I paid anything!  Real Americans, the ones who love me, have a certain image of me, you see.  And part of that is that “The Donald” doesn’t pay taxes.  I had a great 5-year run going, then Kelly tells me I should kick in something. 

Kushner:  $750.

Trump:  Actually, he said a thousand, but I couldn’t do it.  Hey, that reminds me, remember after the election I want that money back --- with interest! 

Kushner:  I’ll make a mental note, sir.  I’ll be running along now, I’m sure you want to continue with your debate preparation.

Trump:  Debate?  What debate?

Kushner:  Why?  The first presidential debate.  It’s tonight, sir.

Trump:  Really?  Are you sure?  Who am I debating?  Jared, where are you going?  Why are you running?

Trump Vows to Fight Bone Spurs

White House Press Room

September 4, 2020

With great fanfare the Trump Administration surprised the assembled media at Friday's press conference by announcing a new $130 million initiative to combat bone spurs.  

McEnany: This is an issue that President Trump feels very strongly about.  With this money, the leading experts will be able to investigate new treatment options, but also study the causes.  The ultimate goal is a cure.  

Reporter:  But Kaileigh, the causes of bone spurs are pretty well known and the symptoms are usually minor and can be treated easily.  In fact, bone spurs are not really a disease that can be cured. 

McEnany:  There is debate in the medical community on these questions, but it is the consensus of the Bone Spurs Task Force the President has assembled that an influx of resources now could be decisive.

Reporter:  Wait, the "Bone Spurs Task Force"?  When was this formed?  Who is on it?

McEnany:  It's still a work in progress, but let's just say Dr. Fauci is really enthusiastic about his new role.

Reporter:  Kaileigh, this sounds like a rather cynical effort to deflect attention from the President's failure to address the coronavirus, not to mention providing legitimacy to his own embarrassing draft deferment.

McEnany:   Cynical?  Nothing could be further from the truth.  President Trump would like those who live with this affliction to know that he is on their side.  Thankfully, all of his children have tested negative.  But he will not rest until no parent has deliver that fateful news, 'son, you're ineligible for military service because of bone spurs.' 

With that, McEnany turned and left the podium as the journalists shouted questions about medical research spending priorities, what it means to test negative for bone spurs, and plans to reinstate the draft.

Trump-Putin: The Lost Translator's Notes (Vol. 6)

Washington-Moscow

August 11, 2020

Trump:  Vlad?  Are you there?

Putin:  Yes, Donald.

Trump:  Hi Vlad – and by the way, I just want to say again how cool it is that you let me call you Vlad.

Putin:  Yes, yes, I know.  Now what do you need?

Trump:  [Haltingly] Well, Vlad, I’m not sure quite how to bring this up but …

Putin:  What is it, Donald?  What has happened to you?  Where is that Donald Trump who always knew what he wanted?

Trump:  It’s just that, that announcement that you guys are coming out with a COVID vaccine without testing it kind of threw me for a loop.  When I told you that I didn’t mind if you spied on our labs, I thought you said not to worry because it would be months before you could test a new vaccine.  But now …

Putin:  I don’t remember saying that Donald.  I have heard some people say that your memory might be failing.  Could it be …

Trump:  No, don’t listen to those stories.  I may have just heard you wrong. 

Putin:  But you are my friend and I want to be 100% certain.  Maybe someone else listened in on the call?  Or maybe there is a recording? 

Trump:  Of course, not.  Not after that whole Ukraine thing.  I called you on a burner phone, just like you recommended. 

Putin: You will have to trust me, Donald.  Do you trust me, Donald?

Trump:  Don’t insult me, Vlad.  Of course, I trust you. 

Putin:  Good, because what I said was that you need to look out because those liberal doctors who are advising you are going to try to tell you that you cannot release your vaccine until after months of testing.

Trump:  Really?  Well, you were about that.  Sorry, Vlad, I wish I remembered it better. 

Putin:  Next you’ll be telling me that you forgot about your promise to tell me your secret nuclear codes.

Trump:  [Silence]

Putin:  PSYCH!

[Both laugh]

Trump:  Oh, Vlad!  I’m crying hear from laughing so hard.  Anyway, I have a tee time.  Melania sends her best.

Putin:  I know that, Donald.  [Line goes dead.  Putin turns to aide]  It almost worked.  Next time.

How The GOP Sees Fauci

Fauci:  Okay, let’s get this Zoom meeting going. Once again, for security reasons, no names and no video.  I’ll just take roll by organization.  Okay, is there anyone here from the Chinese government?
China: Here
Fauci:  Al Qaeda?
Al Qaeda: Here
Fauci:  Black Lives Matter?
BLM: Yo, Anthony!
Fauci:  Yo, yourself.  MS-13?
MS-13:  Here
Fauci:  CNN?
CNN:  Here
Fauci:  World Zionist Council?
Zionist:  Here
Fauci:  Global GLBQT Alliance
GLBQT:  Here.  Once again, Dr. Fauci, we must object to the composition of this group [silence]
Fauci:  Sorry to have to mute you – again – but we do not have a lot of time.  Before we move on to our latest progress reports, I must once again express our gratitude to the Chinese government.  I don’t think the rest of you can quite understand just what an amazing feat it was to engineer a virus that would affect one country so disproportionately.
China:  Well, we couldn’t have done it without all that environmental and public health data you provided to us.
BLM:  Hey, what did you mean when you said the rest of us wouldn’t understand?  Are you calling us dumb?
Fauci:  Far from it.  And we are also grateful to our friends at BLM.  Just when it looked like the sense of crisis in the US was waning, you revved it up again with all those protests.
CNN:  Ahem.
Fauci:  Okay, CNN, and you did a great job exaggerating the problem and undermining trust in President Trump.  Listen, we’ll never get anywhere if everyone keeps looking for credit.  Let’s agree we’ve all done a great job.  Now, then, we’ve had another great week.  The virus keeps spreading so widely that even Republican governors have started mandating masks.  This is proof on how it is possible to dismantle the framework of US constitutional rights. Pretty soon.  The US government will start to administer a vaccine our Chinese friends developed that will cripple any remaining freedom-loving instincts.  Just think, after that millions of Americans will abandon their churches and throw away their guns.  It will be just like, like, …
CNN:  Canada?
😂😂😂😂😂
Al Qaeda:  But Anthony, I thought US companies were manufacturing the vaccine?
China:  I’ll take that one.  Let’s just say that Anthony has been a great help over the years getting our people visas and grants to “perform research” in the US.  This vaccine might has well have been manufactured in Beijing.
Fauci:  And I want to thank our friends at CNN for not reporting this, even though they’ve been aware of it for years.
MS-13:  Be sure you let us know when it’s safe to invade.  I can’t wait to find that guy in Brentwood whose lawn I used to mow and tell him “¡Tú estás en California.  Habla español, motherfucker!”
Fauci:  Heh-heh-heh, have no worries, amigo.  Now, we haven’t heard anything from our Al Qaeda or Zionist friends.  Our plan will not work if you do not stick to our agreement: Al Qaeda will control the Justice Department and the Global Zionist League will control the Treasury Department in the new Global government, agreed?
Al Qaeda: …. Okay
Zionist: …. Okay
Fauci:  And while I’m not going to take you off mute, I just want to reassure the Global GLBQT Alliance that you will control the Education Department.
Zionist:  Anthony, I’m curious.  You seem to have achieved a secure position in constitutional, Jesus-loving America.  Why are you doing this?
Fauci:  Are you kidding?  I’m a scientist.  We can’t stand seeing a society based on the idea of free individuals making key life decisions.  That’s why I have made it my life’s mission to destroy it.
👍👍👍👍👍👍
Okay, that wraps up today’s meeting.  After CNN plants a few fake stories about President Trump’s head supposed ignorance of the virus we should be in great shape to move on to our next phase.  

Trump: What Do You Mean There Won't Be A Convention?

Washington, DC 

July 25, 2020

Kushner: So no one has told him yet?

Pence: Hear that laughing?  What do you think?

Kushner: Okay, I guess there’s no putting this off, but …

Pence: Get in there!  This was your bright idea so you have to take your medicine.

[Kushner enters Oval Office]

Trump: Hi Jared!  How are those grandchildren of mine?  What are those names again?  Um, Barron?  Oh, right, Melania’s kid.

Kushner: Great catch, sir.  No wonder you aced that IQ test.

Trump: You see!  I don’t know why no one believes it.

Kushner: Well, sir, there’s something else we need to talk about.

Trump: What’s that? 

Kushner: The convention.

Trump: I’ve gotta hand it to you, kiddo, that was a great idea pretending to call off the convention.  I can’t wait to see the looks on those reporters faces when we announce that the convention is back on with no masks, no rules … 

Kushner: [Trying to interrupt] Sir … 

Trump: …like you said, when all my supporters hear this they’ll all rush to Jacksonville.  It’ll be electric.

Kushner: [Louder] SIR …

Trump: And Fauci!  That little weasel.  I’ll bet he has a heart attack on the spot.

Kushner: [Screaming] SIR!

Trump: Jared, you’re all red.  What’s wrong?  [Recoils in fright] Wait you don’t have that virus do you?

Kushner: [Catches breath] No, sir.  It’s just that there isn’t going to be a convention.

Trump: What?  Wait, what do you mean no convention?  You said that announcement was all a scam to throw off the press.  Were you lying, Jared?

Kushner: [Stammers] Um, um … oh, no sir.  Not me.  If you remember – and we all know what a great memory you have – we said that it all depended on the infection numbers in Florida, and, well, I’m afraid that they do not look good.  Our experts – NOT Dr. Fauci – advised that it would be too dangerous to hold the convention.

Trump: [Crestfallen] Ah, geez.  This is a real letdown.  

Kushner: Sir, maybe it would make you feel better if you dispatched DHS agents to another city to beat up some protestors?

Trump: Nah.  Well, ask me later.  Oh, one more thing, Jared.

Kushner: Yes, sir.

Trump: Remember how you told me that all those polls that show me losing to Sleepy Joe by a mile were all fake?  That was true, right?

Kushner: Um...um...um sorry, sir, I just remembered that Vice President Pence needs me.  [Sprints from room]

White House on COVID Deaths: "They're Only Dying to Hurt the President"

White House Briefing Room

July 17, 2020

Reporter:  Kayleigh, for weeks the White House has been saying that we should not be alarmed about the rising number of COVID cases because the number of deaths is dropping.  But this week the number of deaths has started to rise noticeably.   Has this caused you to reevaluate your position?

McEnany:  We are aware that some of these figures look bad, which is why the President ordered all the data come through the White House this week.

Reporter:  And what have you learned so far?

McEnany:  We stand by our position that the pandemic is under control.  We are convinced that these people dying are only trying to embarrass the President.

Reporter:  [Gasps in the room]  How could you say that?

McEnany:  Well, we looked at the backgrounds of a few random victims yesterday.  Example A: Ms. Brenda Jones of Flagstaff, AZ.  On the face of it, she was just a 63-year old grandmother who liked baking cookies for her grandchildren, but when we delved into her social media history we saw that over the years she has “liked” posts on Earth Day, Cinco de Mayo, and Oprah Winfrey.  It’s clear that she hated Donald Trump – until yesterday, at any rate.

Reporter:  But …

McEnany:  [Interrupts] Then there’s Arthur Smith of Clear Springs, TN.  Just a 47-year old meatpacker unfortunate enough to die from COVID, right?  Not so fast.  His obituary notes that he was a lifelong union member.  Do I need to draw you a picture?

[Silence] ... Come on! He was a labor radical, possibly an Antifa activist, who was ready to do anything to hurt President Trump’s electoral chances.

Reporter:  Are you saying these people are being infected on purpose too?

McEnany:  That’s something we are looking into.  We are also looking into whether George Soros is behind this satanic plot.  But we think it's plain to see that they are choosing to die.  That's what you should be reporting.

Reporter:  Could you draw us a picture on how this is plain to see?

McEnany:  Through his leadership, President Trump has created national stockpiles of hydroxychloroquine and remdesivir, the only two known cures for COVID-19, thus paving the way to restart the economy and reopen our schools.  So the only possible explanation for anyone dying from the virus in July 2020 is that they are refusing these life-saving treatments.

Reporter:  But didn’t Dr. Fauci say that neither of these are a cure?

McEnany:  What day is it?

Reporter:  Friday, why do you ask?

McEnany:  [Looks over paper] Actually, we don’t care what Dr. Fauci says on Fridays.  Check with me again on Monday.

NRA: We Need a Good Ol' Mass Shooting

Fairfax, Virgina

In the empty offices of the National Rifle Association (NRA) in Fairfax, VA, a high-ranking official sat down to discuss a peculiar implication of the COVID pandemic.

NRA: There are no more mass shootings!

Reporter: Isn’t that a good thing?

NRA: Well, I guess some of the fruit juice drinkers are happy about it, but it hasn’t been great for the NRA.

Reporter: How so?

NRA: Look around here.  You might get the idea everyone is working from home.  Fact is, we had to cut back on staff.  Most of those we had to let go were on our Incident Response Team.  No incidents, so no response. 

Reporter: So you want a mass shooting?

NRA: It would be really nice if we could bring some of those folks back.  Besides, we what would be better than some gruesome images of bullet-shattered corpses take our minds off all the depressing news about the pandemic.  We were hoping for there would be more shooting in those Black fellas’ protests, but they just broke a few windows.

Reporter: I guess you need to just sit tight and wait.

NRA: Well, obviously, we can’t just send anyone out to mow down dozens of citizens, that would probably … okay, definitely involve some criminal liability on our part.  But you may have noticed that there seem to be a lot of big crowds in many of the same regions that coincidentally have a lot of serious 2^nd Amendment defenders.  So, we’re keeping our fingers crossed that the right person gets cut off in the parking lot, or thinks someone bumped into his girlfriend, and before you know it – BAM – we’re back in business.

Reporter: I suppose you are pushing for schools to reopen, because nothing gets more attention than …

NRA: [Interrupts] Oh my, God.  Why didn’t I think of that?  Sorry, gotta make a few calls.

More Mary Trump Revelations

Too Much and Never Enough: How My Family Created the World’s Most Dangerous Man, the explosive memoir by Donald Trump’s niece Mary, has captured the world’s attention.  Most of the media interest has focused on the Trump family’s secretive finances and the president’s political development.  But in a recent interview, the author mentioned some other revelations about Donald Trump that we may have missed.

Has really smelly feet: Smelly doesn’t begin to describe it.  When he took his shoes off indoors the dogs would start howling.  I’m not sure if he actually had bone spurs, but something tells me that podiatrist would have been willing to write anything just to get him to put his shoes back on. 

Can’t pronounce croquet: I remember when we were all at our grandparents when Uncle Donald says, ‘hey kids, wanna play some croquette?’  I had to punch my brother to keep him from laughing.  I thought he might be joking, so the next time we were over there I said, ‘hey Uncle Don, how about some croquette?’ to see if he would laugh.  But he just went and got the mallets.  When we were done he said, “gee, you kids sure love croquette.”  My brother and I laughed for a whole hour.  Of course, he cheated.

Did we mention his smelly feet: One time we were at the pool … you know, outside … in the sun, when Uncle Donald comes out with a date.  You should have heard her scream when he took his shoes off.  ‘Oh my God, Donald.  What’s that stink?’  We never saw her again.

Doesn’t know how to score bowling: Bowling was really big in Queens back then.  For some reason, Uncle Donald never bowled but always insisted on keeping score, even though he didn’t have a clue about how to score a strike or a spare.  I remember once when Aunt Elizabeth was ready to rip his hair after she bowled the game of her life and he tallied her score at 73.”

A really cheap tipper: “Okay, no surprise there, right?”

Trump-Putin: The Lost Translator's Notes (Vol. 5)

Washington-Moscow

June 26, 2020

Trump:  Vlad?  Are you there?

Putin:  Yes, Donald.

Trump:  Hi Vlad – and by the way, I just want say again how cool it is that you let me call you Vlad.

Putin:  I know.  Please Donald, get on with it, I’m a busy man.

Trump:  [Nervously] Well, Vlad, I know that – thanks again for taking my call.  You see, Vlad, … um, um

Putin:  Spit it out Donald, what do you want?

Trump:  I hate to even mention it, but, some of me people are telling me that your people are paying the Taliban to kill our soldiers in Afghanistan.  Crazy, right?

Putin:  [Tersely]  Are you accusing me of something, Donald?

Trump:  Me?  No.  No!  It’s just, the press got wind of this crazy rumor, and now people are asking if it’s true.  It’s not, right?

Putin:  I told you to take care of that press of yours, didn’t I, Donald?

Trump:  Yeah, well, I was just getting to that when this whole Chinese flu thing started.  So, can I tell them it’s not true?  It would really help me with this election we have coming up.

Putin:  Answer me this Donald, are we friends?

Trump:  Well, yeah, I mean, you bet we are!

Putin:  And is this the kind of thing that one friend would do to another?

Trump:  No sir.

Putin:  Well, tell your press that.

Trump:  Okay, but does that mean ….

Putin:  Donald, I need to go.  Goodbye.

Trump:  Wait, Vlad!  Melania sends her best.

Putin:  I know that, Donald.  [Line goes dead]

Pompeo:  Well, Mr. President, did he deny it?

Trump:  I think so.

Trump: See, I'm Not Too Old!

White House 

June 23, 2020

[Hallway outside Oval Office. Aide 1 antically waving arms.  Aide 2 approaches]

Aide 1:  Get Mr. Kushner, or Mrs. Kushner, or Mr. Pence.  Just get someone quick!

Aide 2:  What is it?

Aide 1:  This is bad.  Oh, this is so bad … [starts hyperventilating]

Aide 2:  Okay.  Just calm down and tell me what it is.

Aide 1:  He … he … he wants to go golfing this afternoon.

Aide 2:  What’s wrong with that?  It soothes him.  At least he won’t be tweeting.  I wish he went golfing every day.

Aide 1:  You don’t get it.  He wants to bring the press to follow him along on the course.

Aide 2:  What?  Doesn’t he know what this will look like?

Aide 1:  It’s 2020, and you’re still asking “Doesn’t he know what this will look like?”

Aide 2:  Okay, okay.  But why now?

Aide 1:  He’s still a little sore about how the whole ‘Rampgate’ thing.  He thinks if they see him on the golf course it will put the whole "he's too old" story to rest.

Aide 2:  You’re right, this is bad.  Remember how last week his cart sank in the sand trap and it took four secret service agents to haul it out?

Aide 1:  Well, one could have handled it if the President would have just gotten out.

Aide 2:  Or how about the time he tipped over when he chipped on a hill?  Then there’s that grunt he lets out when he hits a drive.

Aide 1:  Yup.

Aide 2:   And who can forget the time he tried to do the "Tiger punch" and he split his pants.

Aide 1:  Yup.

Aide 2:  And -- oh my God -- the press will report how many shots he actually takes!

Aide 1:  Yup.  That would be a first.  That’s why …

Aide 2:  I’ll find Mr. Kushner right away [Sprints down hallway]

The Anti-COVID Liberation Front Meets on Zoom

Somewhere over the airwaves ...

Joe: Okay, it’s 2:00, but let’s wait for the rest of the guys.

Woody: Yeah, we can’t have much of a meeting with just the three of us.

Joe: Ed, why don’t you have your video on?

Ed:  Sorry, how do I turn it on?

Joe: Look for the video icon.

Ed:  Look for the what?

Woody: The little picture of a camera.

Ed:  Oh, found it.

Joe: Ed?

Ed:  What’s wrong, still can’t see me?

Joe: No, I can see you, I’m just wondering why you’re wearing a mask – at home!  That’s the reason we’re having our meetings on Zoom now, so we don’t subject ourselves to the indignity of having to wear a mask in public.

Ed:  Well, you see, my wife has this rule that when I go to the store I have to wear my mask for an hour after I get back.

Woody: Does the CDC recommend that?

Joe: Who cares what the CDC recommends?  We’re men, right?  With constitutional rights so …

[Someone joins the meeting]

Dave: Sorry, I’m late.  I was buffering.

Ed:  Why are you bunkering?  Is there an attack?

Joe: Not bunkering, Ed, buffering.  That’s when … oh forget it, can we get on with it?

Dave: On with what?  There’s only 4 of us.  Why can’t we meet at the tavern any more?

Joe: You know darn well that after they opened up the fanatics at the Health Department allegedly traced 23 COVID infections to a Happy Hour, so now there’s so much police tape wrapped around the place we can’t even sneak through the back window any more.

Dave: Oh, right.  So what have I missed?

Woody: [Excitedly] The CDC says we should wear masks at home now.

Joe: Will you stop with the CDC!  We need to start talking about how we’re going to take those people down.  Those are all those radical scientists who look down on us because they have white coats on.  Now, I say we try to make contact with …

Ed:  Joe?

Joe: [Impatiently] What now, Ed?

Ed:  I’m sorry, but my wife needs the computer to Skype with her sister, so I have to go.

Joe: You mean you only have one computer?  Don’t you have a smart phone?  Wait, don’t answer that. [Ed signs off]

Dave: Joe?

Joe: What Dave?

Dave: Where is everyone else?  Are you sure they got the invitation?

Joe: What?  Maybe you think you can do a better job trying to keep this organization together, Dave?

Dave: Hey, don’t get touchy, Joe.  I just don’t see how three people can do too much about restoring our constitutional rights.

Joe:  You don’t see it, do you?  I was thinking we could set up some kind of a guard around our confederate memorials before those antifa terrorists get any ideas. 

Dave:  Do we have any confederate memorials in Michigan? 

Joe: We must, right?

Ivanka Trump Introduces New #BLM Line

Washington, DC

June 10, 2020

White House employee and fashion entrepreneur Ivanka Trump has received an exclusive license to produce merchandise featuring the slogan ‘Black Lives Matter’ or ‘#BLM’ in China. ‘Ivanka couldn’t be more thrilled by this opportunity to broaden her market demographics’ a spokesperson commented. ‘Oh yeah, and to show her commitment to equality for all – I almost left that out.”  When asked if this action might be interpreted as exploitative, the same spokesperson feigned surprise: ‘Ivanka would be shocked at the question. She has already made clear to her manufacturers that the t-shirts, belt buckles, and headbands on order must meet the highest standards -- and that the workers should get at least one toilet break per shift.’ And who is it that Ms. Trump sees as the target audience for her new #BLM line?  ‘Basically, the young professional w…, um, um … people, um, young professional people of all colors, who just realized that they support Black Lives Matter but who won’t settle for a cheap t-shirt.’

Kim: North Korea Cannot Help You, Donald

Pyonyang – Washington

June 3, 2020

Aide to Kim Jong-Un:  It’s him again.

Kim:  Hello Donald

Trump:  Hello Kim!  Wow, you must be really busy because I can never get through to you.

Kim:  Well, Donald, defending my noble country from the predations of the Imperialist barking dog is a full-time job.

[Both laugh]

Kim:  Anyway, Donald, I think I know why you are calling.  The answer is still no.

Trump:  [Pleading] But Kim!  Remember how I agreed to meet with you when the whole world wouldn’t say your name?  I think you owe me.

Kim:  Hey, I said thank you.  But I just don’t see how North Korea can send any troops to help you put down this insurrection you say that you are facing.

Trump:  Aw gee.  Not even a division.  I’m not sure how many men are in a division but it can’t be too many.

Kim:  No, Donald.

Trump:  It wouldn’t need to be for too long.  I know you guys are really sneaky, so you could probably be in and out in no time.

Kim:  [Testily] Why do say we are “really sneaky?”

Trump:  [Nervously] Um … well … I’m not sure, but come on, my own Defense Department doesn’t want to let me use any of our troops. There's an angry mob right outside my window.  If this goes on, I’m going to look like a dope.

Kim:  Well, let's say I was able to send over a team, I know that you are still dealing with the Chinese virus there.  Would you have masks for my men?

Trump:  Couldn’t you bring your own?

Kim:  Goodbye, Donald

[Dial tone]

Kushner:  Well?

Trump:  No go.  Let’s try Putin one more time before we go back to the bunker.

Trump Tries Out the 'Flynn-Defense'

May 24, 2020

Hannity:  Mr. President, all of us at Fox are grateful that you have taken the time to speak with us for the 486^th time.

Trump:  Thanks, Sean, always great to be here, especially since you canned that Shep Smith loser.

Hannity:  Who?

[Both laugh]

Hannity:  Now then, Mr. President, you have been talking a lot about the Michael Flynn case, and some are calling this brewing scandal ‘Obamagate.’

Trump:  That’s right, Sean.  The greatest crime in human history.  Some people are saying this might be worse than Eve eating the apple.  We'll have to see.

Hannity:  Um, well, be that as it may, I wonder if you could help us out with something.  Back in 2017, you said that you had to fire General Flynn because he lied, but now you are blaming the FBI.  A lot of people want to know, did General Flynn lie when interviewed by the FBI in 2017?

Trump:  Yes, he did, Sean, but the point is, those FBI agents wanted him to lie.  They easily could have warned him, and said something like, ‘hey, bro, you know that if you lie to us it’s a Federal crime punishable by fines and incarceration.’  But they didn’t do that.  They just let him lie.  So it’s really their fault.

Hannity:  [Silence]  Okay, I see where you are going.

Trump:  It’s really kind of like me and this COVID thing.

Hannity:  [Silence] Um … maybe you could explain that, sir.’

Trump:  It’s really obvious, Sean.  Everyone is blaming me for lying back in January about how serious the COVID threat was, even though I had been briefed by intelligence and public health officials.

Hannity:  [Silence] So … so … so … can you help me out here, Mr. President?

Trump:  Well, when those reporters were yelling out their questions, no one said that if I lied they would throw it back in my face.  But you see, they wanted me to lie.  So, if you think about it, this whole mess is really the media’s fault.  But let me just say, I feel really too bad that a few people have died -- even though it's ... like I said ... not my fault.

Hannity:  [Hesitantly] I guess that is one way of looking at it, sir. [Makes throat-cutting gesture]

Trump:  It’s the same thing when I said that anyone who wanted a test could get one, or when I said there were plenty of masks, or … [screen goes blank]

Hannity:  Oops.  We seem to have lost the feed.  We’ll be right back after the commercial as a panel of pseudo-experts will use the words Joe Biden and sexual predator in every sentence.

Melania: Put on the Mask, Donald!

White House

May 21, 2020

Melania:  Donald, do not come into this room without a mask!

Trump:  But Melania, we’ve been through this.  I don’t wanna wear a mask.  There are a lot of people who look up to me as the guy who wasn’t afraid of the virus.

Melania:  And that is why I am afraid of you, so put on the mask.

Trump:  But isn’t it enough that you and the boy have on masks?

Melania:  The boy?  You mean Barron?  Your son?

Barron:  Hi Dad.

Trump:  He knows who I mean.  But anyway, as long as you two are wearing masks, we’re all safe, right?

Melania:  Well, maybe I don’t ‘wanna’ wear a mask either. [Moves to remove mask]

Trump:  Hey, what are you doing?  Stay away from me!  

[Secret Service comes running up] Don’t worry fellas, I've got this.  Heah-heah.

Wow that was close.  Don’t do that again!  When’s the last time you were tested?

Melania:  Two hours ago.  I am tested every two hours.  Remember?

Trump:  And have you touched anyone since then?

Melania:  Only Barron.

Trump:  Who?  Oh yeah, the boy … um … I mean … our son.

Barron:  Hi Dad.

Melania:  Look, Donald, I’ve had it.  Put on the mask or you can’t come in.  Not now, not ever.

Trump:  You mean no … no …

Melania:  That’s right, no more “touching.”

Putin: We Will Build A Really Super Duper Missile!

Moscow, Russia

May 15, 2020

In light of President Trump’s claim that the USA will win the race to develop a Super Duper Missile (SDM), Russian President Vladimir Putin ordered his Defense Minister Sergey Shoygu to cease SDM development immediately in order to concentrate all necessary resources on the next generation Really Super Duper Missile (RSDM).  In an official announcement, Putin assured the Russian people that he will not allow Russia or its allies to be vulnerable to an American attack.  

Off the record, lower level Russian Defense Ministry officials expressed befuddlement at President Trump’s remarks and at President Putin’s response.  A Russian general holding an English-Russian technical dictionary asked, “Vat eet meens, ‘duper’?

FDR: It's Time to Wind Down the War Effort

White House

Washington, DC

June 7, 1944

FDR:  Now that our brave lads have pulled off one of the most amazing feats in military history with the Normandy landing, the defeat of the Axis powers is a foregone conclusion.  Therefore, I think it is about time to start winding down the war effort.

Reporter:  Do you mean we are pulling out our troops?

FDR:  Now hold on there -- don't go putting words in my mouth.  Who said anything about pulling out our troops?  We remain firmly committed to victory over the enemy.  But isn’t it about time to get the economy moving again?  What’s the use of all this fighting if these boys don’t have jobs to come back to?

Reporter:  So what exactly does winding down mean?

FDR:  Well, as of now, there will be no further deployments to the European theater and we are investigating which units can be withdrawn while still maintaining an aggressive posture.

Reporter:  Aren’t you afraid that this policy could give Hitler a chance to regroup his forces?

FDR:  Not at all.  As I said, victory now is all but assured.  And besides, if this does give Hitler a little breathing room, maybe he’ll take the opportunity to change his ways.  One way or another, it’s time to crank up the might US economic engine.

Reporter:  Did you consult with our allies on this? 

FDR:  Well, they really would have no reason to object because no other country has sacrificed more of its fighting men in this fight.

Reporter:  But what about the Red Army?  Haven't they ...

FDR:  [Interrupts] Next.

Reporter:  Mr. President, I don’t notice any of your military advisors standing with you.  Are the Joint Chiefs of Staff on board with this decision?

FDR:  I think it’s safe to say that the Joint Chiefs of Staff, being the great patriots they are, share my goal of revving up the American economy.  

Reporter:  But that wasn’t the question!  

FDR:  [Interrupts] Sorry, Scotty.  One question to a customer.  Next

Reporter:  Mr. President, what about Japan?  We still have a long way to go there, too.

FDR:  Japan?  Oh yes.  Well, I am confident that once Germany falls, the Japanese will see the writing on the wall.  Besides, our pressure in the Pacific is showing results.  Why, I understand their pilots are so undernourished they’re trying to land their planes on our ships.  So, clearly, victory is in sight.

Reporter:  Wait!  That’s not why …

FDR:  [Interrupts] There, there.  You had your shot.  Now then, before I go, I’d like to say a word to the American people, especially the good people of Pennsylvania, Iowa, Oregon, and several other swing states.  Good news, my friends, your boys are coming home!  Happy Days are here again!

Trump Gets Why Everyone Is Laughing At Him

Washington, DC - Oval Office

April 27, 2020

Trump:  Jared, come on in.

Kushner:  Thank you for seeing me, sir.  Ivanka said you were a little down.

Trump:  You know, Jared, I understand everyone’s laughing at me.  But …

Kushner:  [Interrupts] Don’t worry, sir, I’m sure that whole ‘bleach thing’ will pass over.

Trump:  [Surprised]  Bleach thing?

Kushner:  [Nervously] You know, sir, your … um … sarcastic remarks about injecting bleach into the body, which, um, everyone knows you can’t do because … because … um

Trump:  Yeah, I zinged those reporters good, huh.  Wait, you think people are laughing at me because of that?

Kushner:  [Even more nervously] Well, sir, a few people thought … um … that maybe … um …. Well, sir, why don’t you tell me why you think they’re laughing at you.

Trump:  Didn’t you read the news over the weekend?

Kushner:  Yes, sir.

Trump:  Then isn’t it obvious?  [Points to headline: “First Lady Melania Trump Celebrates 50^th Birthday”]

Kushner:  Now I think I understand.  But don’t worry, sir, I’m sure that when this whole pandemic is over you will be able to throw her a big party that will …

Trump:  No!  You don’t get it at all.  Imagine:  Donald Trump – the “Donald” – married to a 50-year old woman!  It’s humiliating.

Kushner:  Sir, I really don’t think that ….

Trump:  [Oblivious] And now everyone’s laughing at me.  I’m so glad my father isn’t alive to see me married to an old woman.  It would kill him.

Kushner:  But, sir, didn’t your father stay married to your mother, and …

Trump:  Now, don’t worry.  Melania and her kid, um, um, …

Kushner:  Barron.

Trump:  Barron?  Are you sure?  Don’t worry, Melania and Barron will be taken care of.  Then, it’s time for the Donald to bring in a new model.  I’m thinking I should go back to a blond this time.

Kushner:  Do you think now is the time to be thinking about this?

Trump:  Of course, now is the time to be thinking about this.  It’s gotta take place before the election.  At first I thought I’d play the swinging bachelor for a while, but then it came to me.  Imagine this: we could double up the inauguration with a presidential wedding.  I’m sure that will bring in bigger crowds than the Kenyan got.

Kushner:  [Gulps]  And who are you going to marry?

Trump:  Don’t you worry about that.  I’ve got Junior and Eric narrowing down candidates.  But I’ve got an important job for you.

Kushner: [Gulps] Yes, sir.

Trump:  I want you to break the word to the current Mrs. Trump.

Kushner:  [Shocked] Me.  Why me?   Um … um … um … what do I tell her?

Trump:  You’re a smart guy.  I trust you to come up with something good.  But between me and you, you might want to remind her that Homeland Security is still looking into whether she worked back in the 90s when she was here on a tourist visa.  Okay.  Run along.  Hannity’s coming on.

[Kushner exits into hallway hyperventilating.  Walks by Vice President Pence, Chief of Staff Meadows, Mitch McConnell and Ivanka Trump hiding behind a corner.]

Pence:  Well, did you tell him that I’ll be doing the coronavirus briefings from now on?  Jared?  Where are you running to?  Get back here, Kushner!

The Real Story Behind Kim's Mystery Illness

Washington – Pyongyang

April 19, 2020

Kim:  Donald?

Trump:  Kim, my old friend, how are you?

Kim:  Not very good, Donald.  [Coughs] I have had this cough, and I am sweating a lot more than usual.

Trump:  Wow, that sounds bad.  Say, do you have the Chinese virus?  Oh, sorry, my son, um, …

Kim:  Barron?

Trump:  Yeah, that’s it.  Well, he says it’s racist to use that name.

Kim:  No problem, Donald, here we call it the “Big brother who won’t keep his nose out of our business” virus.  I am not sure because we do not have any tests yet.  Of course, I don’t need to tell you how big a problem that is.

[Both laugh – Kim coughs again]

Trump:  Listen, Kim, don’t worry.  I have the cure.

Kim:  Donald, I have tried those pills you keep talking about, but they didn’t work.

Trump:  Forget the pills.  They were my dopey son-in-law’s idea.  But this is the real deal.  Are you listening?

Kim:  Of course I’m listening, Donald.

Trump:  Bleach!

Kim:  We must have a bad connection, Donald.  I thought you said bleach.

Trump:  That’s right, bleach.  The same stuff you use for whiter whites.

Kim:  Well, how much do I take?

Trump:  I’m not too sure.  Maybe you should start out with a capful and see how it goes.

Kim:  And do I take it straight?

Trump:  You might try mixing it with your favorite beverage so it will go down easier.

Kim:  I don’t know, Donald.  This sounds very risky.

Trump:  Trust me, I have a feeling about this, just like I knew this virus thing would become a pandemic.

Kim:  Okay, Donald.  I owe you one ... I think.

Trump:  Don’t mention it.  Goodbye, Kim.

Kim:  Goodbye, Donald.

[Both hang up]

Kim:  [To aide]  Well, what do you think?  Should I try bleach?

Aide: It sounds crazy, but what do you have to lose?