Trump: How is the Drone Pilot?

White House Situation Room

June 20, 2019

Trump:  These chairs are great!  I don’t know why we don’t come down here more often.

Aide:  I explained, sir.  We only use this room when there is some pressing national security issue.

Trump:  Like the border crisis?

[Laughter from both]

Trump:  So tell me, how is the pilot?

Aide:  Sir?

Trump:  The pilot who the Iranians shot down, how is he doing?  Find out if he’s married.  It would be great PR if we could get a tape of me calling her, telling her what a patriot her husband is.  

Aide:  I thought you understood, it was a drone that was shot down.

Trump:  Drone, Phantom, Tomahawk, Bullfrog.  You can’t expect me to keep up with all those funny names we have for our planes.

Aide:  Actually, sir, a drone is an unmanned device.  Technically, there is a pilot, but he – or she – is hundreds of miles away.  He – or she – is probably home in bed right now.

Trump:  But I saw the wreckage!  I think I know what you’re talking about.  We got the boy, um, Melania’s kid, um …

Aide:  Barron?

Trump:  Yeah, we got him one of those for Christmas.  It’s a dinky little thing.

Aide:  Well, sir.  Military drones are considerably more sophisticated, and larger.

Trump:  Geez, maybe I shouldn’t have ordered those air strikes.

Aide: Those what!!!

Trump:  Funny, Bibi, told me it sounded like a good idea.

Aide [Speaking to another Aide]:  Get me the Joint Chiefs on the phone, now!!!

Sarah Sanders Ready to Lie in the Private Sector

Washington, DC
June 14, 2019

Reporter: Thank you for taking the time to speak with us, Mrs. Sanders.

Sanders: My pleasure.  It has been my honor to defend the work of President Donald Trump against the America-hating socialist jackals who dominate the so-called “mainstream media,” but now I’m ready for new challenges.

Reporter: I’m sorry, but do you really think they are socialists?

Sanders: I’m not the first person to say it.

Reporter: But … never mind, so what you be doing now?

Sanders: I have to think of my family, and I have learned that there are a lot of opportunities in the private sector for spokespersons ready to take a stand, even if it isn’t popular with the politically correct crowds in Washington, DC, or with the smarty pants professors who think their big degrees make them so smart, or with elitist journalists and their “fact checkers.”

Reporter: It so happens that President Trump still owns a large company that bears his name.  Any chance that you we could see you introduced as new spokesperson for the Trump Organization

Sanders: That would be an honor, but I am proud to say that I have accepted a position with Purdue Pharmaceuticals.  I will be helping them fight all those ridiculous accusations about how they helped cause the opioid epidemic.  Crazy, huh?

Reporter: Well, to be fair, didn’t Purdue Pharmaceuticals’ reckless marketing of Oxycontin in the 1990s contribute to the problem?

Sanders: Don’t tell me you’ve fallen for that fake news?  It’s just like how after the election it was “Russia this” and “Russia that.” 

Reporter: Hasn’t your new employer already lost some major lawsuits?

Sanders: We look forward to the appeals process.  In the meantime, the American people – not a few liberal judges – deserve to know how hard the good people at Purdue Pharmaceuticals have worked to come up with this miracle drug that can ease just about any pain with no side effects.

Reporter: What about addiction?

Sanders: I’m not a doctor, but I’ve already talked with a lot of people who tell me that with Oxycontin they feel no pain.  That sounds like a win to me.

Reporter: It sounds like you are already enjoying your new job.

Sanders: I’d be lying if I said I didn’t.