Confusion Reigns at Scientology Christmas Pageant

The mood at the annual Scientology Christmas pageant was only mildly festive. 

“It’s the same thing every year.  All the pre-Clear recruits aren’t sure how seriously they’re supposed to take this.  Some think it’s some kind of a test to see if they still have lingering allegiances to the Christian churches they left, so they don’t want to clap too hard or look to excited.  For others, as long as the church is sponsoring the event, they can’t be enthusiastic enough, which explains why we usually have enough red and green cookies to feed a galaxy of Thetans.   One guy told me he’s pretty sure that when he is finally ‘clear’ and learns the complete church cosmogony it will show that Santa Claus is God.  Yeah, I had to recommend him for some intense auditing.”

“So just what is the point of the  Scientology Christmas pageant?”

“What do you think?  It’s a chance to embarrass our kids by making them wear silly costumes and perform a few silly songs and dances.”

White House Issues Further Advice for Furloughed Workers

President Trump has tweeted that furloughed Federal workers might want to consider looking for odd jobs to make ends meet while the partial government shutdown goes on.  In response to the overwhelming positive reaction, the White House decided to issue further advice to furloughed Federal workers:

Take a hike:  Why not take advantage of the furlough to get back in touch with nature.  Who knows how much longer it will last?

Go screw yourself:  What a perfect time to grab that Twister game off the shelf.

Get lost:  In this hurly-burly world, maybe now is a great time to lose yourself in thought.

Take off:  Can you say vacation?  Okay, the lack of pay might limit your travel options, but you must have one relative with an empty vacation property.

Drop dead:  This is only recommended for those with adequate life insurance – and check the impact of the furlough on your insurance benefits before taking any action.

Tend your garden:  We’re not sure what that means, but we’re told it sounds good.

Iraq Rejects Trump Asylum Bid

A dejected Donald Trump returned to Washington on Wednesday, having failed in his surprise bid to receive political asylum in Iraq.  “I know that it was a spur-of-the-moment thing, but I figured that they would be dying to have a business genius like me on their side.”  By the time the President’s plane landed in Iraq, it was clear that the quickly organized negotiations had broken down, forcing the presidential party to seek protection on an American military base.  “I guess we should have had an agreement before we took off.”

Proud Boys Hire Branding Consultant

It seemed like such a winner: the Proud Boys!  What could be a simpler, more upbeat name?  

Unfortunately, the name has proven to be somewhat of an albatross, as seemingly every public congregation of this loose-knit group of curiously affected white men has ended with them getting their asses kicked or laughed off the streets.   We had the chance to catch up with one of their purported leaders, who asked that we not reveal his identity.

 -- "Proud?  Are you kidding me?  Who was proud after the mess at the Latino Boys and Girls Club last week?" 

-- "Why, what happened?" 

-- "We just sort of sauntered over there to send a message, that the Boys and Girls Clubs, without ethnic identifiers, worked just fine." 

-- "And?" 

-- "Let's just say some of those !@#$ Mexican girls kick really hard!"

The group formerly known as Proud Boys is actively interviewing branding consultants, insisting that candidates actually spend time with the group before proposing a new name.   

Fed Chairman Exploring Legality of Firing President

The Washington rumor mill, already spinning out of control, received another push this week from a normally staid institution: the Federal Reserve Board.  Sources state that Chairman of the Federal Reserve Board Jerome Powell has been discussing the legality of firing President Donald Trump.  Tasked with controlling the money supply of the world's largest economy to promote growth while avoiding inflation, Powell is increasingly frustrated with the President's apparent determination to sabotage the economy.  "I know the optics are really bad, like bankers are taking over the country, but I'm at wit's end.  There's really only so much we can do to protect the economy, but one tweet about sticking it to the Chinese, or reviving coal, or doubling tariffs, and before you know it, we're going to have runs on banks like in 1929."  Powell concedes that the Federal Reserve Chairman firing the President is a constitutional long shot, but is still confident that there's a loophole somewhere in the laws on presidential succession.  

White House Floats Idea of Partial Impeachment

19 January 2019

In a surprise last minute maneuver, White House negotiators offered a pathway for ending the partial government shutdown.

"We are prepared to insure that there will be no shutdown, but in return, we want assurances from Congress that there will only be partial impeachment.  For example, let's say that President Trump would no longer carry out the duties of Chief Executive, but still gets to live in the White House ... and still gets to fly on Air Force One!  That last one's important: the President was very clear that he will not back down on Air Force One.  He really likes Air Force One." 

"But does the constitution allow for a 'partial impeachment'?"

"Actually, this is something the President just came up with after someone explained why it will only be a 'partial' government shutdown.  It's still a work in progress."

Mulvaney Denies U.S. Citizenship

Minutes after receiving notification that he had been named interim White House Chief of Staff, current budget director Mick Mulvaney held an impromptu press conference where he made a startling announcement:

Mulvaney:  Although deeply honored by this appointment, it has come to my attention that I do not have legal status to work in the United States, so I will be self-deporting back to Ireland as soon as I can find a cheap flight.

Reporter:  Director, how can that be?  You were born and raised in this country.

Mulvaney:  That may be.  But I now know that when my great-grandparents first came to this country, they did not obtain proper immigrant visas beforehand.   Understand?  Illegal immigrants.  This great country that I had mistakenly grown up believing to be my own deserves to be protected from the likes of me.

Reporter:  But Mr. Mulvaney, this country has birthright citizenship.  That means you, your parents, your grandparents, were all legally US citizens.

Mulvaney:  I wish that were true.

Reporter:  But it is true!  Are you sure this isn’t a ploy just to get out of working in the Trump White House?

Mulvaney:  [Laughs nervously] I don’t know where you would get a crazy idea like that, no sirree.  If it were not for this unfortunate circumstance, there is nothing I would like more than to help President Trump implement his brilliant ideas.  But instead, I’ll be back in my homeland catching up with all the Mulvaneys in … um … wherever I can find Mulvaney’s in Ireland, which as you know, is separated from Washington by an ocean.

El Chapo Tapped to Design New Trump Tower

Attorneys for reputed Mexican druglord Joaquín "El Chapo" Guzmán were surprised, to say the least, when they received an overture from the Trump Organization to their client.  

"It was totally unsolicited.  They want to hire him as a consultant for their next building project.  To tell you the truth, it is a little cryptic.  Like this (reading): 'Given your known demand for luxurious accommodation under the most trying circumstances, we feel you are the perfect candidate to help design the next Trump Tower.'  And they have quotes around 'Tower.'  What do you think they're talking about?  And get this (reads on): 'The inhabitant -- that's right, not guest, or guests -- of our new facility will expect more than comfortable and elegant quarters: easy access and egress -- egress is underlined and in bold -- are our highest priority.'  And here's the kicker (continues):  'Again, we think you are the perfect man to help us in the design and construction of this project, you dig?'  That's right, it says 'You dig?'  Who talks like that anymore?''

"Has El Chapo been apprised of the offer?"

"Absolutely.  We had the letter translated and read to him.  Funny, he seemed to understand all the points that confused us."

"Is he considering it?"

"Of course, right now he's on trial for murder, so he's pretty focused on that, but he said he wants to see the Mueller report before making any commitments."