Another Gift From Vlad

White House – Washington, DC

December 10, 2019

Lavrov: Donald, President Putin wanted you to know that he didn’t forget you. [Hands a small gift]

Trump:  Oh, tell him he didn’t have to. [Excitedly unwraps package] Another tie bar!  Wow, this is even nicer than the last one.

Lavrov: He thought you would like it.

Trump:  Like it?  I love it!  What is this, titanium?

Lavrov: Something like that.  Also, Donald, I need to take the last tie bar that President Putin gave you [Reaches over and removes Trump’s tie bar]

Trump:  [Shocked] Hey, Sergey, what gives?  Can’t I keep that one too, as a memento?

Lavrov: Um … well, actually, Donald … um … President Putin is worried because these tie bars were recalled.  Yes, they were recalled because, they might be radioactive.

Trump:  Really?  That’s funny, because I thought I heard it buzzing some times.

Lavrov: See, I grabbed it just in time.  We – you, I mean you – won’t have to worry about that this new one making noise.  Now remember, Donald, President Putin requests that you wear this tie pin at all times.

Trump:  Of course.

Lavrov: For example, President Putin is pretty sure that you were not wearing your old pin when you were on the phone with President Zelensky last summer. 

Trump:  That’s right.  I was on my way to the course so I had already changed out of my suit.  Wow, it’s almost like Vlad was in the room with me!

Lavrov: Almost, Donald, almost.

Melania: What Does She Mean He's Not a Real Baron?

London

December 4, 2019

MT:  Donald!

DT:   Yes, sugar plum!

MT:  Don’t try with the sexy talk.  Did you hear what that lawyer lady said today?

DT:   You have to be more specific, baby, because I have to listen to ‘lawyer ladies’ all day long.

MT:  The one talking about the whole peachy thing.

DT:   Impeachment.

MT:  Yeah, that.  Well, did you hear what she said?

DT:   No, what?

MT:  [Plays tape of Professor Karlan] “…so while the president can name his son Barron, he can't make him a baron."

DT:   [Chuckles] Not bad.

MT:  Not bad?!  What does she mean you can’t make him a baron?  You told me he was a baron!

DT:   [Nervously] Now, pumpkin, I am pretty sure I told you he was ‘our little baron,’ or something like that.

MT:  No, you told me that you were so rich you could make our baby a baron.

DT:   But didn’t you notice the spelling was …

MT:  Are you calling me dumb?

DT:   No, no dear, of course.  Listen.  As long as we’re here in England, I’ll get the Queen to make him a baron.  I can tell she really likes me.  How about that?

MT:  Oh, could you?  That would be great, Donald.

DT:   No problem, I’ll just ring up my buddy Boris Johnson to see how this works.

MT:  Maybe she could make him a duke, or a prince?  Baron Barron Trump just sounds silly.

DT:   [In the background]  What do you mean Mr. Johnson will be busy until I am back in America?  Did you tell him this is urgent?

Trump Visits the Doctor

Walter Reed National Military Medical Center

Bethesda, MD

November 16, 2019

Trump:  Ouch.

Doctor:  How about here?

Trump:  Ouch!  God, even worse.

Doctor:  Okay, now how about here?

Trump:  Not too bad.  Well, doc, what is it?

Doctor:  You were right, Mr. President.  It’s the bone spurs.

Trump:  I knew it.  Everybody is always on me about how irritable I am.  I’d like to see them try to sit through some 2-hour briefing on some shithole country when – ouch!  Doc, what can you do for me?

Doctor:  We’ve been through this before, Mr. President.  The best thing you could do is lose weight.  That would take pressure off …

Trump:  Hold it right there.  We both know that’s not going to happen.  Isn’t there anything else?

Doctor:  A little rest might not hurt.  Can you cancel your appearances for a couple of days?

Trump:  I guess so.  But I’m sure that fake media will start rumors about how I had a stroke or something.

Doctor:  Mr. President, are you sure you don't want me to make an announcement about how serious your bone spurs are?

Trump:  Why bother?  No one believes that I couldn’t serve in Vietnam because of these blasted --- ouch!

Doctor:  As you wish, sir.  If only the people how brave you are.

Trump:  You could say that, again.  Sometimes, when they flare up really bad, I’m not even sure what I’m saying.

Trump: I Hate Ukraine

The West Wing

November 13, 2019

Aide: Sir, it looks like this problem is not going to go away like we had all hoped, so it is important that you master some basic details about Ukraine.

Trump: I still don't understand why we even have an embassy there.  It’s a fake country!  Vlad says that …

Aide: [Nervous laughter]  We have been over this, sir, President Putin’s input on Ukraine may not be entirely helpful ... or accurate.

Trump: Heh-heh, bet you wouldn’t him that to his face.

Aide: Be that as it may, sir, you seem to be fixated on the idea that Ukraine is part of Russia, so we have asked Professor Borissow, who is an expert on Russian-Ukrainian history, to try to clarify the matter.  Professor, please.

Professor: Well, President Trump, this is quite an honor.  You see, Ukraine’s historical relationship to Russia is very complicated.  For example, both Russians and Ukrainians claim Kiev to be their founding city. In 988 …

Trump: Bor-ing!  This is so boring!  Let’s speed things up, smart guy, aren’t Russians and Ukrainians the same?

Professor: No, sir.

Trump: You mean, they’re totally different?

Professor: No, sir.  Both Russians and Ukrainians are Slavic peoples.  They are …

Trump: Like Ivana?

Professor: [Smiles]  Very good, sir.  In fact, your former wife is also a Slav.

Trump: Russian or Ukrainian?

Professor: Neither, sir.  I believe your former wife is Czech.  Czechs are a different Slavic nation.  Similarly, the first lady is …

Trump: Melania is Ukrainian?

Professor: [Wipes brow] No, sir.  Mrs. Trump is Slovenian, which is another one of the Slavic nations.

Trump: [To aide]  This guy isn’t helping at all.  Couldn’t you just show me a map?

Aide: If you remember, sir, we tried that, but you just kept staring and repeating, “God, Russia is fucking huge.”

Trump: Okay, so you say that Ukraine is a real country.

Aide: Since 1990, sir.

Trump: Well, why don’t I have any hotels there?

Aide: Again, sir, I have no insights into your business decisions.

Trump: And why should I care about all this again?

Aide: [Shouting] Because … [Regains composure] Because, sir, the House of Representatives is opening impeachment proceedings against you on the basis of a telephone call that you had with the Ukrainian President.  Therefore, you need to know some basic information about …. Sir, please don’t walk out again!

Trump: [Hastily leaving room] I hate Ukraine!

Barron Trump Remembers Paper Due Monday

The White House

October 27, 2019

DT:  Son, why aren’t you ready to go to the game?  I told the staff to lay out your blue suit and red tie!

BT:  Gee, Dad, I don’t think I can make it.

DT:  What do you mean you can’t make it?  You don’t understand.  Today’s a big day because your Daddy killed a very bad man.  The crowd is going to go crazy when they see me … um, us, I mean, when they see us.

BT:  Way to go, Dad, killing that guy.  But I forgot that I had this important paper to write for tomorrow about, um, about … about how America is so much better than all those loser countries, or something like that.

DT:  Homework?  Don’t worry, I’ll just call …

BT:  No, Dad, please don’t yell at the teachers again.  I really wish I could go and see all the people cheering you [stifles giggle], it’s just that I have this paper to write on trees, or something.

DT:  Trees? I thought you said it was about how great America is.

BT:  See how much work I need to do?

DT:  Well, it’s too bad you can’t make it.

BT:  Dad? 

DT: Yes, son.

BT:  I’ll go to the game if you can answer one question.

DT:  Shoot.

BT:  What’s my name?

DT:  Are you kidding, Earl … I mean Duke … no, Barron.  That’s it, Barron, so …

BT:  [Turning on iPad]  Enjoy the game, Dad.

The Quid Pro Quo Effect: Latin Studies Flourish

Smallwood, Ohio

October 23, 2019

Edward F. O’Connor is back in business.  As the lone Latin instructor at the Smallwood Community College, O’Connor had seen enrollments drop to the point that officials warned his courses might be eliminated altogether.  But this year he has seen a surge in new students.  The reason?  “It’s quite clear.  These kids have heard the phrase ‘quid pro quo’ so often it got them wondering where it came from.  They all say that.“  The task now is to expand on this naïve curiosity.  “I can see I have my work cut out for me.  During the first class I started to explain the accusative case and just got blank stares.  Finally, one young man asked, is that why prosecutors use so much Latin, because they accuse people?”  Still, O’Connor remains confident that the future of the Latin program looks strong.  “I studied Latin intensely because I wanted to be a priest, so you could say that faith brought me to Latin and faith sustains me.  Besides, just think how much Latin will come up in the impeachment trial.”

Trump-Putin: The Lost Translator's Notes (Vol. 3)

Washington-Moscow

October 11, 2019

TRUMP: Vlad? Are you there?

PUTIN: Yes, Donald.  What is it?

TRUMP: Well, Vlad – oh, by the way, have I ever told you how cool it that you let me call you ‘Vlad’?

PUTIN: Yes, Donald, every time we talk.  Now, what is it you want, Donald?

TRUMP: I’m so depressed, Vlad.  It looks like I am going to be impeached.  Do you think I should just resign and save myself all the trouble?

PUTIN: Resign?  Impeached?  Don’t be so negative.  This will pass, Donald, trust me.

TRUMP: Well, that’s the thing, Vlad.  You told me that I should investigate what Biden’s son did in Ukraine, so I did.  When I said it would look bad that I was using our diplomats to go after my political opponent, you said if I had Giuliani do it, no one would notice.  Then you told me I should go ahead and let Turkey move into Syria because Erdogan promised you he would not hurt the Kurds.

PUTIN: What is your point, Donald?

TRUMP: Well, Vlad, I don’t know how to say this, but you always tell me to me to trust you, yet it seems like all your advice has gotten me in hot water.  It might help if you told me what the plan is.  You just keep telling me to trust you.

PUTIN: I see.  Okay, Donald, what if I were to tell you that this was the plan all along.  That the whole reason our government devoted so many resources to getting you elected was because we thought you were so vain and incompetent that you would turn the USA into such a laughing stock that it would be years, maybe centuries before the USA would dare tell another country that it wasn’t democratic enough, or that it was too corrupt.

TRUMP: But, but, but …

PUTIN: PSYCHE!

[Both laugh]

TRUMP: Oh, Vlad.  You really had me going there. 

PUTIN: Now, let’s cut out all this talk about resigning.  We have great things to do.

TRUMP: Okay.  But, seriously, what is the end game?

PUTIN: You’ll have to trust me, Donald.

'El Chapo' on Call with Zelensky

Washington, DC

October 1, 2019

The revelation that Secretary of State Pompeo was on the line during the now infamous telephone call between President Donald Trump and Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky has prompted questions about just who else was on the call. 

“Other than the President and Secretary Pompeo … and Mr. Giuliani, it was basically just a few staff members on the call, no one who would raise any suspicions, except maybe the Mexican.”

“The Mexican?”

“Yes, Mr. Guzman.”

“Mr. Guzman?”

“Let me see [reading] Joaquin Archivaldo Guzman.”

“El Chapo!!”

“Yes, that is the name most people know him by.  And what a pain – you would think it would be easier to arrange a secure phone line to a Federal Supermax prison.”

“But he was just convicted of running a murderous drug cartel!”

“Which he is appealing.”

“But why in God’s name would you want El Chapo on the call?”

“A fair question.  Mr. Trump thought Mr. … um … Chapo, might be able to provide some guidance to our Ukrainian friends on how to convince reluctant witnesses to … um … cooperate.”

“The President himself asked for El Chapo to be on the line?”

“There was some grumbling from our national security advisors, but Mr. Trump was adamant.  I believe his exact words were, ‘Here’s a guy who won’t rat me out.’  And in the end, Mr. Zelensky indicated that Mr. Guzman’s … um … assistance, would not be required.”

“Just amazing.  Was there anyone else on the call we should know about?”

“[Reviewing list] Let me see.  You knew that President Putin was listening in, right?”

House Democrats Ask Putin for Call Transcript

Washington, DC

September 25, 2019

In an effort to get a complete picture of what transpired during the now infamous telephone call between U.S. president Donald Trump and Ukrainian president Volodomyr Zelensky, the Democratic leadership of the House Judiciary Committee took the extraordinary step of asking the Russian government to turn over whatever tapes, transcripts, or analyses that it may have collected from the call.

“May have?  Come on, this is their back yard.  They probably had more bugs in that room than … than … well, more bugs than in my back yard.”

“But aren’t you satisfied with the transcript that the White House produced?”

“Transcript?  Please.  Did you notice how they show Trump speaking in whole sentences?  Give me a break.”

“I see what you mean.  But still, do you expect the Russians to comply?  After all, a lot of people think they see President Trump as an intelligence asset.”

“After this the Russians no longer see President Trump as an intelligence asset.”

“What makes you say that?”

“One of our agents in Moscow reported that Putin called Trump a ‘horse’s ass’ in a call with Medvedev yesterday.  He didn’t even bother to use a secure line.”

Trump Gets Iran Instructions

White House (Washington, DC) – Kremlin (Moscow)

September 19, 2019

TRUMP: (Anxiously)  Vlad, Vlad, is that you?  Are you there?

PUTIN: (Icily)  Yes, Donald, I am here.  What do you want?

TRUMP: I’ve been calling for days, and, they keep telling me that you can’t come to the phone?

PUTIN: I have been busy, Donald.  Now what do you want?

TRUMP: It’s this whole Iran mess, Vlad, I don’t know what to do?

PUTIN: (Ironically) Oh, so you’re asking me what to do?

TRUMP: Of course, Vlad, who else can I trust?

PUTIN: Well, from what I read in your tweets, you get your foreign policy advice now from that Saudi prince with the flashy name.  Why don’t you ask him?

TRUMP: Oh, Mohammed.  He and Jared are good friends, but I don’t know if I can trust him.  I mean, he told me there was no proof that his agents offed that guy in their embassy, then it turns out it was practically streamed live.  I know you’re the only person I can trust.

PUTIN: Do you really trust me, Donald?

TRUMP: I sure do, Vlad.

PUTIN: If you really trust me you will do what I say, right away.  Will you do that, Donald?

TRUMP: Okay.

PUTIN: Bomb.  Cruise missiles, drones, artillery, planes.  Hit Iran hard.

TRUMP: Really, won’t that start a war, I mean, we’re finally pulling out of the Gulf.

PUTIN: Don’t make me laugh, Donald, when Iran sees this strong response, they will back down right away.  I promise.  (Snickering in background)

TRUMP: But won’t that send oil prices through the roof?

PUTIN: I don’t think so, Donald.  Nobody wants to see oil prices go up. (Puts finger to lips to suppress laughter in room)

TRUMP: Okay, just let me get one of those generals on the line.  Thanks, again, Vlad.  And Vlad, have I ever told you …

PUTIN: Yes, I know, Donald, you think it is “really cool” that I let you call me Vlad and Melania sends her best.  Now hurry up and make that call.

Greenland Explained, Part 2

Presidential Office -Kremlin

Moscow,

August 8, 2019

Putin: Hello, Donald.

Trump:  Vlad, is that you?

Putin: Yes, Donald.

Trump: I know it’s been a while since I called, Vlad – and by the way I want you to know how cool it is that you let me call you ‘Vlad.’

Putin: [Annoyed] I know, Donald.

Trump:  Well, anyway, I’ve missed our little chats, and, I’ve just been feeling down lately.

Putin: Why, Donald?

Trump: I just feel like I’m not enjoying this anymore.  Nobody likes me – even white people are starting to laugh at me – and now my advisors tell me the economy is looking bad.  I just don’t know what to do.

Putin:  Isn’t there someplace you could invade? [Snickering in background.]

Trump: What?

Putin: When oil prices fell in 2008 we invaded Georgia and …

Trump: Really?  Because …

Putin: [Testily] Not that Georgia, we’ve been over that.  Anyway, I invaded Georgia and people loved me.  Then, in 2014, everyone was complaining about how much the Olympics cost so I annexed Crimea.

Trump: And it was popular?

Putin:  Donald, I could have had one of my opponents shot in front of the Kremlin and nothing would have happened to me.  [Open laughter in background before Putin turns and puts finger to lips.]

Trump:  And you think it would work for me?

Putin:  I don’t know, Donald.  You have all those generals who Obama picked who might not be loyal.  But maybe you could buy someplace before the economy goes bad.  Let’s think, are there any islands around you that you like?

Trump:  You know, when I was helping my son, um, um, …

Putin: Barron

Trump:  Right.  When I was helping him with his geography homework I saw there is this big island in the Atlantic that I always thought was Nantucket.  Turns out it belongs to Denmark.  I remember thinking, how did a little loser country like Denmark get this huge island?  So maybe …

Putin:  That’s the spirit, Donald.  And don’t take no for an answer. [Turns to stifle snickering.]

Trump:  Thanks, Vlad.  I feel better already. 

Putin:  Glad to help.

Trump:  I’ll talk to you soon.  And Melania sends her best.

Putin: I know that, Donald.

Greenland Explained

White House

August 15, 2019

Aide: Sir, I have some upsetting news.  There is some disturbing data that indicates we might be in trouble with the economy.

Trump: Oh, that inverse yield thing?  Don’t worry I have a plan.

Aide: [Relieved] Oh, thank God.  Some of us were afraid that you thought those tax cuts and the Trade War with China were actually going to work.

Trump: [Testily] They are going to work, they just need time.

Aide: That’s the spirit, sir [Feigning enthusiasm].  Now tell me all about this plan.

Trump:  Okay, maybe I don’t know all the ins and outs of these budget things, but if there’s one thing I know its real estate.  [Yells out to person in back of room] What’s the name of that place we fly over all the time?

Voice: Greenland!

Trump: That’s right, Greenland.  How about this?  We buy Greenland.

Aide: [Incredulous] Buy Greenland? 

Trump: You heard me, we buy Greenland. 

Aide: I … I … I … I am afraid I do not understand the plan, sir.  But I’m sure it’s brilliant.

Trump: This is what I learned as a businessman.  Just when the numbers start to look sour, I always made this big splashy purchase.  I talk it up, about how this shows we’re on the rebound, how this hotel or casino is going to be a big money-maker, then this gives me time to cash out before we have to declare bankruptcy.

Aide: [Slowly] Declare bankruptcy, sir?

Trump: Brilliant, huh?

Aide: Sir, we have been through this before, as President of the United States, you control the nation’s finances but do not profit personally.  There is no “cashing out.”  And the United States of America cannot just declare bankruptcy.  It would surely set off a world-wide depression.

Trump: No cashing out?

Aide: No, sir.

Trump: Okay, well I also have a …, what’s it called?  Oh yeah, a Plan B.

Aide: [Relieved] I knew it, sir.  What is the Plan B?

Trump: Get Mnuchin and Kudlow on all the squawk shows this weekend to say this data is all fake news and how I won’t let the economy tank.

Trump Accidently Accuses Himself of Epstein Murder

The White House
August 15, 2019

Aide:  What's so funny, sir?

Trump:  Look at this article I just tweeted.  Heh-heh-heh.

Aide: [Reads linked article quickly – looks up with alarm]  Sir?  Did you show this to Mr. Kushner first?

Trump:  Jared?  No.  I’m not sure where he is.  Why what’s the problem?  See: “Who Killed Jeff?”  This ought to keep Bill and Hillary up at night.

Aide:  Did you read the article?

Trump:  Yeah, sure.  Well, not the whole thing – but I read where it says how Bill Clinton and Epstein were great pals.

Aide:  That it does, sir.  But if you read at the end: “But the most likely suspect has to be the person who, as the nation’s chief executive, controls the Federal prison where Epstein met his mysterious demise.”

Trump: And?

Aide:  Sir, that’s you.  We’ve been over this – chief executive is another way of saying President.  They’re talking about you!  They’re accusing you of killing Jeff Epstein.

Trump: Geez, I guess that’s why I’m getting all those “likes.”

Trump Claims Immunity from Background Checks

White House

August 9, 2019

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

The White House would like to clarify President Trump’s remarks from earlier today that requiring background checks for purchases of assault rifles might be appropriate given these weapons’ destructive potential.  This requirement was not meant to apply to candidates for our nation’s highest office, which brings with it not only command of the United States’ armed forces but the ability to launch a nuclear strike.  The White House calls your attention to the key difference that while an individual citizen will only be guided by his own faculties in the deployment of an assault rifle, the President of the United States has access to advisers whose expertise has been verified by the national security community or Fox News before he presses “the button.”  Therefore, the White House calls on the press corps to cease its fruitless efforts to question the President’s fitness for office and leave all “background checks” to the opioid-addled citizenry, as called for in the Constitution.

Trump Visits Protest Victims at NRA Headquarters

August 8, 2019

Fairfax, VA

Under tight security, President Donald Trump traveled to NRA Headquarters in Fairfax, VA, to console employees who earlier in the week endured abusive chants from anti-gun violence protesters.  And the President heard an earful.

“It was awful.  You should have seen the signs they were carrying.  Calling us murderers and terrorists.  And the images.  I can’t sleep.”

“It’s as if those wackos don’t know anything about all the good work we’re doing to keep people safe.  Why just week we sent 3,000 bulletproof backpacks to minority school districts.  Does that sound like something a murderer would do?”

When asked who was behind the protests, NRA employees were in surprising agreement:

“Mexicans.  Definitely the Mexicans.  They’ve already sent so many illegals over here, but they figure that once they take away our guns, they’ll be able to empty out their country.  I don't understand why because I had a great time in Cabo last year.”

The White House issued a brief statement after the visit:

“President Trump was honored to meet with these brave Americans who are on the front lines of the fight to preserve the freedom of real Americans.  He plans to sign an executive order banning protests within a1-mile perimeter of non-profit organizations dedicated to the preservation of unrestricted private gun ownership.”

Trump to Catch Mueller Testimony in North Korea

Washington, DC

July 23, 2019

An anonymous source at the White House confirmed that President Donald Trump will be making a surprise visit to North Korea on July 24.  The same source would not confirm any connection between the surprise visit and the Congressional testimony of former Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller scheduled for that day.  “What?  No!  President Trump and Chairman Kim have just developed such a close rapport that during their last visit Chairman Kim told the President he could ‘stop by whenever he wanted.’  The President thought it would be rude not to take him up on it.”

Meanwhile, in Pyongyang …

Kim:  What do you mean he’s coming tomorrow?

Aide: Well, most esteemed Chairman, you did say …

Kim:  I know what I said!  It’s an expression. I never thought he would take it seriously.  I have raquetball tomorrow!

Aide:  I am sorry of the unfortunate news, most esteemed Chairman.  Also, apparently the President is in some kind of trouble at home so he may need to stay for a while.

Kim:  A while?  How long?

Aide:  Mr. Kushner was not clear, most esteemed Chairman, but he did ask if there are any golf courses in North Korea.

Ivana Trump Deported to Guatemala

In a shocking development, Ivana Trump, the first wife of Donald Trump, was taken into custody by Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents on Sunday and immediately deported to Guatemala, despite the fact that she has been a US citizen since 1988 and was born in Czechoslovakia, not Guatemala, not to mention the fact that she is the ex-wife of the President of the United States.  When asked why Ms. Trump was delivered to Guatemala, an ICE spokesman responded, “We just happened to have a plane heading for Guatemala that day.  Deportee Trump is free to travel to any destination of her choice, as long as it is not within the borders of the United States of America.”

In a hastily convened press conference at the international airport in Guatemala City, Mrs. Trump described the chaotic scene:  “It was crazy.  I just caught a ‘Living with the Kardashians’ episode on the DVR when all these armed men burst in and started yelling at me in Spanish.  I tried calling Donald, but he just said ‘Sorry, senorita, no speako the lingo’ and hung up.”

Speaking off the record, a White House official provided more background to the story:

“This came straight from the FLOTUS.”

“Melania Trump?  How can that be?”

“You don’t hear about her much, but she has sharp elbows, not to mention … well, you know.”

“But why?  What does she hope to accomplish with this?”

“She reads the papers.  She has seen all the President's racist tweets and all the blowback about sending her “back to where she came from.”  She’s hoping that deporting one of the President’s foreign wives will take the heat off until this all blows over.”

“Does she really think this is going to blow over?”

“Are you kidding?  Do you remember Charlottesville?”

Refugees to be Bused in to Pad Trump Crowd

Washington, DC

July 4, 2019

White House officials are remaining tight-lipped about rumors that detained Central American refugees are being transported en masse to Washington, DC, to give the appearance of a large crowd for President Donald Trump’s controversial “Salute to America” speech on the Mall.  An ICE official, speaking off the record, confirmed the operation.

  -  When we got the word we were in a panic, but the guy at the White House said that they can’t drum up any enthusiasm for the event.  State RNCs couldn’t give away tickets that included all-expense paid trips!  So some smart guy thought, ‘Hey, as long as we have tens of thousands of people locked up …’

  -  So are tens of thousands of immigrants are on their way?

  -  That’s classified.

  -  But won’t thousands of Hispanics look a bit suspicious in the crowd?

  -  We plan to give them all MAGA hats with extra long bills and huge American flags.

  -  Aren’t you worried that they are all going to escape?

  - [Wipes forehead.] Yup, you could say that is a concern.  The plan is to cordon off several areas with electronic fences.  And don't forget the tanks.  [Nervous laughter]  But we’re still spitballing ideas.

  -  And how do the refugees feel about this?  Are they really going to cheer the man who has separated them from their children and held them in decrepit conditions?

  -  Some seemed a little suspicious that when we supplied them with toilet paper for the first time in weeks, but we are hoping that when they all get their plain hot dog and 6-ounce cup of Coke that they will feel ready to let out a whoop.

Trump: How is the Drone Pilot?

White House Situation Room

June 20, 2019

Trump:  These chairs are great!  I don’t know why we don’t come down here more often.

Aide:  I explained, sir.  We only use this room when there is some pressing national security issue.

Trump:  Like the border crisis?

[Laughter from both]

Trump:  So tell me, how is the pilot?

Aide:  Sir?

Trump:  The pilot who the Iranians shot down, how is he doing?  Find out if he’s married.  It would be great PR if we could get a tape of me calling her, telling her what a patriot her husband is.  

Aide:  I thought you understood, it was a drone that was shot down.

Trump:  Drone, Phantom, Tomahawk, Bullfrog.  You can’t expect me to keep up with all those funny names we have for our planes.

Aide:  Actually, sir, a drone is an unmanned device.  Technically, there is a pilot, but he – or she – is hundreds of miles away.  He – or she – is probably home in bed right now.

Trump:  But I saw the wreckage!  I think I know what you’re talking about.  We got the boy, um, Melania’s kid, um …

Aide:  Barron?

Trump:  Yeah, we got him one of those for Christmas.  It’s a dinky little thing.

Aide:  Well, sir.  Military drones are considerably more sophisticated, and larger.

Trump:  Geez, maybe I shouldn’t have ordered those air strikes.

Aide: Those what!!!

Trump:  Funny, Bibi, told me it sounded like a good idea.

Aide [Speaking to another Aide]:  Get me the Joint Chiefs on the phone, now!!!

Sarah Sanders Ready to Lie in the Private Sector

Washington, DC
June 14, 2019

Reporter: Thank you for taking the time to speak with us, Mrs. Sanders.

Sanders: My pleasure.  It has been my honor to defend the work of President Donald Trump against the America-hating socialist jackals who dominate the so-called “mainstream media,” but now I’m ready for new challenges.

Reporter: I’m sorry, but do you really think they are socialists?

Sanders: I’m not the first person to say it.

Reporter: But … never mind, so what you be doing now?

Sanders: I have to think of my family, and I have learned that there are a lot of opportunities in the private sector for spokespersons ready to take a stand, even if it isn’t popular with the politically correct crowds in Washington, DC, or with the smarty pants professors who think their big degrees make them so smart, or with elitist journalists and their “fact checkers.”

Reporter: It so happens that President Trump still owns a large company that bears his name.  Any chance that you we could see you introduced as new spokesperson for the Trump Organization

Sanders: That would be an honor, but I am proud to say that I have accepted a position with Purdue Pharmaceuticals.  I will be helping them fight all those ridiculous accusations about how they helped cause the opioid epidemic.  Crazy, huh?

Reporter: Well, to be fair, didn’t Purdue Pharmaceuticals’ reckless marketing of Oxycontin in the 1990s contribute to the problem?

Sanders: Don’t tell me you’ve fallen for that fake news?  It’s just like how after the election it was “Russia this” and “Russia that.” 

Reporter: Hasn’t your new employer already lost some major lawsuits?

Sanders: We look forward to the appeals process.  In the meantime, the American people – not a few liberal judges – deserve to know how hard the good people at Purdue Pharmaceuticals have worked to come up with this miracle drug that can ease just about any pain with no side effects.

Reporter: What about addiction?

Sanders: I’m not a doctor, but I’ve already talked with a lot of people who tell me that with Oxycontin they feel no pain.  That sounds like a win to me.

Reporter: It sounds like you are already enjoying your new job.

Sanders: I’d be lying if I said I didn’t.

Mueller Cannot Give Clear Order for Breakfast

Overheard in a local diner

Washington, DC

May 29, 2019

[Robert S.] Mueller [III]:  Can you tell me about your breakfast specials?

Waitress:  Sure, hon.  We have four specials today: Number 1 is a bacon and eggs with toast; Number 2 is French toast; Number 3 is a Western omelet; and Number 4 is oatmeal with raisins or blueberries.  They’re all $4.99, unless you want to add a side.   So what’ll it be?

Mueller:  They all sound really good.  But my doctor says I need to eat healthier, and I have to do what my doctor says.

Waitress:  I’m no doctor, but it sounds like you are saying you want the oatmeal.  Number 4.

Mueller:  Bacon and eggs?  I know that’s bad for my cholesterol. 

Waitress:  So, you want the oatmeal?

Mueller:  And French toast?  Sounds too rich.

Waitress:  Why don’t you just let me bring you the oatmeal?  We don’t add any sugar.

Mueller:  And what’s in the Western omelet?

Waitress:  That’s a 3-egg omelet with ham, green peppers, and onion.

Mueller:  Ouch!  That’s not only bad for my cholesterol, but there’s the acid reflux.

Waitress:  Okay.  I can bring you the oatmeal if you want.  All you have to do is tell me "I want the oatmeal."

Mueller:  It’s not what I want.  But like I said, according to my doctor, I need to eat healthier.

Waitress:  Look, mister, from all that you said is seems clear that you want the oatmeal.  Is that right?

Mueller:  Didn’t you hear what I told you?  What I want doesn't matter; it's what my doctor will allow.  There should be no more questions.

Waitress:  Well I have one.  What do you want for lunch?

Mueller:  Huh?

Waitress:  We just stopped selling breakfast.  

Citing Executive Privilege, Trump Refuses to Sign Son's Report Card

May 7, 2019

Potomac, MD

Administrators at St. Andrew’s Episcopal School were flummoxed when the parents of one of their students refused to sign his 3^rd Quarter Progress Report:

“It’s not that odd that parents forget to sign the report, but this is the first time I’ve heard a parent invoke Executive Privilege.”

“How does this involve Executive Privilege?”

“I asked, of course, but, um ..., the parent, was rather adamant that he would not discuss it further.”

“Just to be clear, 'the parent' we are talking about is President Donald Trump, correct?”

“The parent was also rather adamant that I not mention his name.  He was rather graphic about what might happen if I did.  Then handed the phone to his wife and said, ‘here, it’s about the boy.’”

“And was she more helpful?”

“It sounded like she wanted to be, but she ended up saying, ‘I cannot sign it because of that thing Donald said.’”

“So it was President Trump.”

[Gulps] “There are a lot men named Donald.”

“Okay.  Did Barron, or 'the student,’ get bad grades?”

“Actually, we do not give out students ‘grades.’  Our students’ progress is indicated primarily with emojis.  We just want parents to sign it to keep them involved.”

“So what now?  Are you going to appeal this?”

“Appeal?  It’s a report card, it’s not like we are going to make a Federal case out of this.”

Putin: I Feel Vindicated

Moscow, Russian Federation

April 19, 2019

As might be expected, the release of the Mueller Report was met with great expectation in the offices of the President of the Russian Federation Vladimir Putin.  We had an opportunity to speak with one of President Putin’s advisors.

-        So, the Mueller Report is finally public.  Tell me, is President Putin happy?

-        More than happy.  Ecstatic.  I have not seen him like this in a long time.

-        Really?  Many Americans think the report portrays Russia in a bad light.  Why is President Putin so happy?

-        To understand, you have to remember that before he became President, Vladimir Vladimirovich had a long career in counterintelligence.

-        I hadn’t forgotten, but go on.

-        Okay.  So the worst thing about that job, besides having to meet contacts at all hours of the night in disgusting places, is that you never get credit for your work.  You could say – how do you Americans put it – it comes with the territory, but it still gets frustrating.

-        And what does that have to do with the Mueller Report?

-        Didn’t you read it?  It is basically a testimonial to the Russian intelligence services.

-        And he is happy with that?

-        Oh, yes.  Ever since your Mr. Barr made his announcement that there would be no charges and Mr. Trump has been tweeting “No collusion” every 5 minutes, people around the world have started to doubt that Russia really helped Mr. Trump win the election.

-        And how do you know this?

-        Just last week, Frau Merkel called to apologize for doubting him.  It was humiliating.

-        But now?

-        Now, he feels – how do you Americans put it? – ah yes, vindicated.  Totally vindicated.

-        But you told me a few minutes ago that Mr. Putin was a little anxious about the report.  Why was that?

-        He was afraid that your Mr. Barr was going to edit out all the good stuff.

-        And he didn’t.

-        Well, let’s not say all the good stuff.