Another Gift From Vlad

White House – Washington, DC

December 10, 2019

Lavrov: Donald, President Putin wanted you to know that he didn’t forget you. [Hands a small gift]

Trump:  Oh, tell him he didn’t have to. [Excitedly unwraps package] Another tie bar!  Wow, this is even nicer than the last one.

Lavrov: He thought you would like it.

Trump:  Like it?  I love it!  What is this, titanium?

Lavrov: Something like that.  Also, Donald, I need to take the last tie bar that President Putin gave you [Reaches over and removes Trump’s tie bar]

Trump:  [Shocked] Hey, Sergey, what gives?  Can’t I keep that one too, as a memento?

Lavrov: Um … well, actually, Donald … um … President Putin is worried because these tie bars were recalled.  Yes, they were recalled because, they might be radioactive.

Trump:  Really?  That’s funny, because I thought I heard it buzzing some times.

Lavrov: See, I grabbed it just in time.  We – you, I mean you – won’t have to worry about that this new one making noise.  Now remember, Donald, President Putin requests that you wear this tie pin at all times.

Trump:  Of course.

Lavrov: For example, President Putin is pretty sure that you were not wearing your old pin when you were on the phone with President Zelensky last summer. 

Trump:  That’s right.  I was on my way to the course so I had already changed out of my suit.  Wow, it’s almost like Vlad was in the room with me!

Lavrov: Almost, Donald, almost.

Melania: What Does She Mean He's Not a Real Baron?

London

December 4, 2019

MT:  Donald!

DT:   Yes, sugar plum!

MT:  Don’t try with the sexy talk.  Did you hear what that lawyer lady said today?

DT:   You have to be more specific, baby, because I have to listen to ‘lawyer ladies’ all day long.

MT:  The one talking about the whole peachy thing.

DT:   Impeachment.

MT:  Yeah, that.  Well, did you hear what she said?

DT:   No, what?

MT:  [Plays tape of Professor Karlan] “…so while the president can name his son Barron, he can't make him a baron."

DT:   [Chuckles] Not bad.

MT:  Not bad?!  What does she mean you can’t make him a baron?  You told me he was a baron!

DT:   [Nervously] Now, pumpkin, I am pretty sure I told you he was ‘our little baron,’ or something like that.

MT:  No, you told me that you were so rich you could make our baby a baron.

DT:   But didn’t you notice the spelling was …

MT:  Are you calling me dumb?

DT:   No, no dear, of course.  Listen.  As long as we’re here in England, I’ll get the Queen to make him a baron.  I can tell she really likes me.  How about that?

MT:  Oh, could you?  That would be great, Donald.

DT:   No problem, I’ll just ring up my buddy Boris Johnson to see how this works.

MT:  Maybe she could make him a duke, or a prince?  Baron Barron Trump just sounds silly.

DT:   [In the background]  What do you mean Mr. Johnson will be busy until I am back in America?  Did you tell him this is urgent?