Trump-Putin: The Lost Translator's Notes (Vol. 6)

Washington-Moscow

August 11, 2020

Trump:  Vlad?  Are you there?

Putin:  Yes, Donald.

Trump:  Hi Vlad – and by the way, I just want to say again how cool it is that you let me call you Vlad.

Putin:  Yes, yes, I know.  Now what do you need?

Trump:  [Haltingly] Well, Vlad, I’m not sure quite how to bring this up but …

Putin:  What is it, Donald?  What has happened to you?  Where is that Donald Trump who always knew what he wanted?

Trump:  It’s just that, that announcement that you guys are coming out with a COVID vaccine without testing it kind of threw me for a loop.  When I told you that I didn’t mind if you spied on our labs, I thought you said not to worry because it would be months before you could test a new vaccine.  But now …

Putin:  I don’t remember saying that Donald.  I have heard some people say that your memory might be failing.  Could it be …

Trump:  No, don’t listen to those stories.  I may have just heard you wrong. 

Putin:  But you are my friend and I want to be 100% certain.  Maybe someone else listened in on the call?  Or maybe there is a recording? 

Trump:  Of course, not.  Not after that whole Ukraine thing.  I called you on a burner phone, just like you recommended. 

Putin: You will have to trust me, Donald.  Do you trust me, Donald?

Trump:  Don’t insult me, Vlad.  Of course, I trust you. 

Putin:  Good, because what I said was that you need to look out because those liberal doctors who are advising you are going to try to tell you that you cannot release your vaccine until after months of testing.

Trump:  Really?  Well, you were about that.  Sorry, Vlad, I wish I remembered it better. 

Putin:  Next you’ll be telling me that you forgot about your promise to tell me your secret nuclear codes.

Trump:  [Silence]

Putin:  PSYCH!

[Both laugh]

Trump:  Oh, Vlad!  I’m crying hear from laughing so hard.  Anyway, I have a tee time.  Melania sends her best.

Putin:  I know that, Donald.  [Line goes dead.  Putin turns to aide]  It almost worked.  Next time.

How The GOP Sees Fauci

Fauci:  Okay, let’s get this Zoom meeting going. Once again, for security reasons, no names and no video.  I’ll just take roll by organization.  Okay, is there anyone here from the Chinese government?
China: Here
Fauci:  Al Qaeda?
Al Qaeda: Here
Fauci:  Black Lives Matter?
BLM: Yo, Anthony!
Fauci:  Yo, yourself.  MS-13?
MS-13:  Here
Fauci:  CNN?
CNN:  Here
Fauci:  World Zionist Council?
Zionist:  Here
Fauci:  Global GLBQT Alliance
GLBQT:  Here.  Once again, Dr. Fauci, we must object to the composition of this group [silence]
Fauci:  Sorry to have to mute you – again – but we do not have a lot of time.  Before we move on to our latest progress reports, I must once again express our gratitude to the Chinese government.  I don’t think the rest of you can quite understand just what an amazing feat it was to engineer a virus that would affect one country so disproportionately.
China:  Well, we couldn’t have done it without all that environmental and public health data you provided to us.
BLM:  Hey, what did you mean when you said the rest of us wouldn’t understand?  Are you calling us dumb?
Fauci:  Far from it.  And we are also grateful to our friends at BLM.  Just when it looked like the sense of crisis in the US was waning, you revved it up again with all those protests.
CNN:  Ahem.
Fauci:  Okay, CNN, and you did a great job exaggerating the problem and undermining trust in President Trump.  Listen, we’ll never get anywhere if everyone keeps looking for credit.  Let’s agree we’ve all done a great job.  Now, then, we’ve had another great week.  The virus keeps spreading so widely that even Republican governors have started mandating masks.  This is proof on how it is possible to dismantle the framework of US constitutional rights. Pretty soon.  The US government will start to administer a vaccine our Chinese friends developed that will cripple any remaining freedom-loving instincts.  Just think, after that millions of Americans will abandon their churches and throw away their guns.  It will be just like, like, …
CNN:  Canada?
😂😂😂😂😂
Al Qaeda:  But Anthony, I thought US companies were manufacturing the vaccine?
China:  I’ll take that one.  Let’s just say that Anthony has been a great help over the years getting our people visas and grants to “perform research” in the US.  This vaccine might has well have been manufactured in Beijing.
Fauci:  And I want to thank our friends at CNN for not reporting this, even though they’ve been aware of it for years.
MS-13:  Be sure you let us know when it’s safe to invade.  I can’t wait to find that guy in Brentwood whose lawn I used to mow and tell him “¡Tú estás en California.  Habla español, motherfucker!”
Fauci:  Heh-heh-heh, have no worries, amigo.  Now, we haven’t heard anything from our Al Qaeda or Zionist friends.  Our plan will not work if you do not stick to our agreement: Al Qaeda will control the Justice Department and the Global Zionist League will control the Treasury Department in the new Global government, agreed?
Al Qaeda: …. Okay
Zionist: …. Okay
Fauci:  And while I’m not going to take you off mute, I just want to reassure the Global GLBQT Alliance that you will control the Education Department.
Zionist:  Anthony, I’m curious.  You seem to have achieved a secure position in constitutional, Jesus-loving America.  Why are you doing this?
Fauci:  Are you kidding?  I’m a scientist.  We can’t stand seeing a society based on the idea of free individuals making key life decisions.  That’s why I have made it my life’s mission to destroy it.
👍👍👍👍👍👍
Okay, that wraps up today’s meeting.  After CNN plants a few fake stories about President Trump’s head supposed ignorance of the virus we should be in great shape to move on to our next phase.