Ambassador Eric Trump

Washington, DC – Oval Office

February 6, 2020

ET:  [Holding up business card] Gee, Dad, you mean I’m an ambassador, just like that?

DT:  Just like that, son. [Snaps his fingers]

ET:  Don’t I have to fill out an application or anything?

DT:  Not while I’m in charge you don’t.

ET:  Wow.  I never thought I’d get to be an ambassador.  This is really neat.  So which country will I be going to, Dad?  Someplace in the Caribbean?

DT:  You’ll be what they call an Ambassador-at-Large.

ET:  At-Large?  Where’s that, Dad?

DT:  [Chuckles] That’s what I said too!  No, that means you won’t be assigned to one country.  You’ll just go  wherever you’re needed. 

ET:  So, I’m working for Mr. Pompeo?

DT:  No, you will be answering to me.  And Uncle Rudy.

ET:  Whatever.  Where do I go first?

DT:  I’ll give you a hint.  Remember at dinner the other day when you were telling me how great it would be if  the Trumps had a hotel in …

ET:  Rio!  I’m going to Rio?  I can’t wait!

DT:  When you get there.  I want you to see our ambassador and ask him who you need to talk to about getting a hotel built.  If he gives you any guff, then you call Uncle Rudy.  Got it?

ET:  No problemo.  But are sure I can do that, as an ambassador and all?  I remember how everyone complained when you got Ivanka all those patents in China.

DT:  [Laughs]  Let 'em complain.  What are they gonna do?  I’ll just sign some order saying that building a Trump Hotel in Rio is in the "national interest."

ET:  Okay.  Um ... dad?

DT:  Yes, son.

ET:  What country is Rio in?

DT:  Beats me.  [Yelling into speaker phone]  Get Pompeo on the line.  Ambassador Trump wants to know what country Rio is in.
ET:  Well at least those Spanish lessons will finally pay off!

Is Bolton Jewish?

White House

January 29, 2020

As revelations from John Bolton’s forthcoming book continue to threaten all hope for a swift, witness-free impeachment trial, White House advisers are working feverishly on a campaign to regain control of the narrative.

“Tell me again, why is the Bolton news so damaging?”

“Do we have to go through this again?   It’s simple, for weeks we have been repeating again and again that when President Trump spoke with President Zelensky about opening an investigation of Bursima that his only concern was corruption in Ukrainian politics; that when he delayed delivering military aid that Congress had authorized, his only concern was corruption in Ukrainian politics.  Got it?  The President told Bolton, to his face, that his only real concern was getting dirt that could embarrass Joe Biden.  Got it?”

“Can’t we just deny it?  I mean, remember when Mr. Trump denied that he was mocking that crippled guy [Imitates Trump imitating NYT journalist Serge Kovaleski] [Laughs weakly]  Those were the days.”

“That’s been our plan when the only witnesses were all those women who probably scare a lot of our voters.  But this is John Bolton – one of ours.”

“Is Bolton Jewish?”

“What?  No!  What?”

“We could ask the ‘Dancing Bears’ to include Bolton in their next Soros piece.  You know, Soros and Bolton, working hand-in-hand behind closed doors to undermine American sovereignty and replace hardworking …”

[Yelling]  "No!  I told you, Bolton isn’t Jewish.  He’s from a white, blue-collar family in Baltimore.  He could be a deplorable.”

“Is he a Mason?”

Trump Attorney: Nothing New

White House

January 27, 2020

“Anything new I should know about before I head over to the Senate to wrap this thing impeachment thing up?”

“Are you kidding?  Didn’t you hear about the Bolton book?”

[Staring straight ahead] “So, nothing new.”

“How can you say that?  The New York Times reported this weekend that John Bolton’s new book includes the claim that he heard the President direct that Ukrainian military aid be held up until they came up with some dirt on Joe Biden.”

“Yup, nothing new.”

“Why do you keep saying that?  This could be a disaster.  This isn’t Colonel Strangelove or one of those weepy women.  This is John Fucking Bolton, the guy who wants a war with Iran, confirming what we have been denying for weeks.”

“Like I thought.  Nothing new.”

“Glad you’re not worried.  Now the President wants to nip this thing in the bud.  He’s already issued a strong denial that he ever spoke with John Bolton.  We’re pretty sure Senators McConnell and Graham will back us up … ah, who am I kidding, they will back us up.  But we just need to worry about … Hey! Are you okay?”

“Nothing new.  This is nothing new.  [Looks up suddenly] Oh – I’m fine, why do you ask?”

“Well, you just stuck your pen into the desk and you have a bulge in your forehead that I’ve never seen before.”

“Sorry, no time for chit-chat.  Have to go defend the President “ [Gets up and walks away]

“Sir, that’s the closet!”

Trump: Lev Who?

White House

Washington, DC

January 16, 2020

Aide:  Sir, as I think you understand [coughs awkwardly] our plans for a smooth impeachment trial have been upset by all the news concerning Mr. Parnas.

Trump:  Who?

Aide:  Lev Parnas, sir, the gentleman Mr. Guiliani engaged to help him with the Ukrainian … um … ‘situation.’

Trump:  Never met him – never heard of him.

Aide:  As you have said before, sir, but I was hoping you could help us to understand some other information that seems to [coughs awkwardly] contradict these assertions.

Trump:  You mean all that garbage on the fake liberal media.

Aide:  There is that, but then again, sir, can you explain this picture of you standing next to Mr. Parnas with his arm around you?

Trump:  Are you sure that’s not a cardboard cutout of me?

Aide:  Quite sure.

Trump:  Well it was probably in the receiving line at some fundraiser.  I think any schmo who forks over enough money is guaranteed a picture.  And I don’t talk to most of them, so couldn’t we say we never met?

Aide:  Okay, not bad.  But how about this photo of you standing next to Mr. Parnas as he hands Barron a birthday present.

Trump:  Who?

Aide:  Barron.

Trump:  Never met him – never heard of him.

Aide:  He’s your son.  Barron Trump.  And it would seem that someone invited Mr. Parnas to your son’s birthday party.

Trump:  Oh, right.  Melania’s kid.   I don’t know, maybe he crashed the party.

Aide:  But your hand is on his shoulder.  And there do not appear to be many guests, so wouldn’t you have to have met him?

Trump:  Hey, I’m pretty sure I had a lot of President stuff on my mind that day, so maybe I didn’t notice him.

Aide:  [Takes a deep breath] Okay [checking off box], we’ll have to work on that one.

Trump:  [Angrily] Is that it?

Aide:  Not exactly.  Then there is this photo of you, Mrs. Trump, and Mr. Parnas sitting around a table in your pajamas drinking coffee.  Do you recall this, Mr. Trump?

Trump:  Um … um … gee, great shot of Melania.  Right?

Aide:  Yes, well that is not quite the point, is it?  And besides the intimate setting, you appear to be sliding a pile of cash in Mr. Parnas’s direction.

Trump:  Yeah, that Melania, she’s one looker.  I mean … [tugs collar] … when she’s in the room, I don’t notice anyone else in the room, or what I’m doing.

Aide:  [On phone] Get me Sen. McConnell on the phone and see how that thing with the witnesses is going.