Confusion Reigns at Scientology Christmas Pageant

The mood at the annual Scientology Christmas pageant was only mildly festive. 

“It’s the same thing every year.  All the pre-Clear recruits aren’t sure how seriously they’re supposed to take this.  Some think it’s some kind of a test to see if they still have lingering allegiances to the Christian churches they left, so they don’t want to clap too hard or look to excited.  For others, as long as the church is sponsoring the event, they can’t be enthusiastic enough, which explains why we usually have enough red and green cookies to feed a galaxy of Thetans.   One guy told me he’s pretty sure that when he is finally ‘clear’ and learns the complete church cosmogony it will show that Santa Claus is God.  Yeah, I had to recommend him for some intense auditing.”

“So just what is the point of the  Scientology Christmas pageant?”

“What do you think?  It’s a chance to embarrass our kids by making them wear silly costumes and perform a few silly songs and dances.”

White House Issues Further Advice for Furloughed Workers

President Trump has tweeted that furloughed Federal workers might want to consider looking for odd jobs to make ends meet while the partial government shutdown goes on.  In response to the overwhelming positive reaction, the White House decided to issue further advice to furloughed Federal workers:

Take a hike:  Why not take advantage of the furlough to get back in touch with nature.  Who knows how much longer it will last?

Go screw yourself:  What a perfect time to grab that Twister game off the shelf.

Get lost:  In this hurly-burly world, maybe now is a great time to lose yourself in thought.

Take off:  Can you say vacation?  Okay, the lack of pay might limit your travel options, but you must have one relative with an empty vacation property.

Drop dead:  This is only recommended for those with adequate life insurance – and check the impact of the furlough on your insurance benefits before taking any action.

Tend your garden:  We’re not sure what that means, but we’re told it sounds good.

Iraq Rejects Trump Asylum Bid

A dejected Donald Trump returned to Washington on Wednesday, having failed in his surprise bid to receive political asylum in Iraq.  “I know that it was a spur-of-the-moment thing, but I figured that they would be dying to have a business genius like me on their side.”  By the time the President’s plane landed in Iraq, it was clear that the quickly organized negotiations had broken down, forcing the presidential party to seek protection on an American military base.  “I guess we should have had an agreement before we took off.”

Proud Boys Hire Branding Consultant

It seemed like such a winner: the Proud Boys!  What could be a simpler, more upbeat name?  

Unfortunately, the name has proven to be somewhat of an albatross, as seemingly every public congregation of this loose-knit group of curiously affected white men has ended with them getting their asses kicked or laughed off the streets.   We had the chance to catch up with one of their purported leaders, who asked that we not reveal his identity.

 -- "Proud?  Are you kidding me?  Who was proud after the mess at the Latino Boys and Girls Club last week?" 

-- "Why, what happened?" 

-- "We just sort of sauntered over there to send a message, that the Boys and Girls Clubs, without ethnic identifiers, worked just fine." 

-- "And?" 

-- "Let's just say some of those !@#$ Mexican girls kick really hard!"

The group formerly known as Proud Boys is actively interviewing branding consultants, insisting that candidates actually spend time with the group before proposing a new name.   

Fed Chairman Exploring Legality of Firing President

The Washington rumor mill, already spinning out of control, received another push this week from a normally staid institution: the Federal Reserve Board.  Sources state that Chairman of the Federal Reserve Board Jerome Powell has been discussing the legality of firing President Donald Trump.  Tasked with controlling the money supply of the world's largest economy to promote growth while avoiding inflation, Powell is increasingly frustrated with the President's apparent determination to sabotage the economy.  "I know the optics are really bad, like bankers are taking over the country, but I'm at wit's end.  There's really only so much we can do to protect the economy, but one tweet about sticking it to the Chinese, or reviving coal, or doubling tariffs, and before you know it, we're going to have runs on banks like in 1929."  Powell concedes that the Federal Reserve Chairman firing the President is a constitutional long shot, but is still confident that there's a loophole somewhere in the laws on presidential succession.  

White House Floats Idea of Partial Impeachment

19 January 2019

In a surprise last minute maneuver, White House negotiators offered a pathway for ending the partial government shutdown.

"We are prepared to insure that there will be no shutdown, but in return, we want assurances from Congress that there will only be partial impeachment.  For example, let's say that President Trump would no longer carry out the duties of Chief Executive, but still gets to live in the White House ... and still gets to fly on Air Force One!  That last one's important: the President was very clear that he will not back down on Air Force One.  He really likes Air Force One." 

"But does the constitution allow for a 'partial impeachment'?"

"Actually, this is something the President just came up with after someone explained why it will only be a 'partial' government shutdown.  It's still a work in progress."

Mulvaney Denies U.S. Citizenship

Minutes after receiving notification that he had been named interim White House Chief of Staff, current budget director Mick Mulvaney held an impromptu press conference where he made a startling announcement:

Mulvaney:  Although deeply honored by this appointment, it has come to my attention that I do not have legal status to work in the United States, so I will be self-deporting back to Ireland as soon as I can find a cheap flight.

Reporter:  Director, how can that be?  You were born and raised in this country.

Mulvaney:  That may be.  But I now know that when my great-grandparents first came to this country, they did not obtain proper immigrant visas beforehand.   Understand?  Illegal immigrants.  This great country that I had mistakenly grown up believing to be my own deserves to be protected from the likes of me.

Reporter:  But Mr. Mulvaney, this country has birthright citizenship.  That means you, your parents, your grandparents, were all legally US citizens.

Mulvaney:  I wish that were true.

Reporter:  But it is true!  Are you sure this isn’t a ploy just to get out of working in the Trump White House?

Mulvaney:  [Laughs nervously] I don’t know where you would get a crazy idea like that, no sirree.  If it were not for this unfortunate circumstance, there is nothing I would like more than to help President Trump implement his brilliant ideas.  But instead, I’ll be back in my homeland catching up with all the Mulvaneys in … um … wherever I can find Mulvaney’s in Ireland, which as you know, is separated from Washington by an ocean.

El Chapo Tapped to Design New Trump Tower

Attorneys for reputed Mexican druglord Joaquín "El Chapo" Guzmán were surprised, to say the least, when they received an overture from the Trump Organization to their client.  

"It was totally unsolicited.  They want to hire him as a consultant for their next building project.  To tell you the truth, it is a little cryptic.  Like this (reading): 'Given your known demand for luxurious accommodation under the most trying circumstances, we feel you are the perfect candidate to help design the next Trump Tower.'  And they have quotes around 'Tower.'  What do you think they're talking about?  And get this (reads on): 'The inhabitant -- that's right, not guest, or guests -- of our new facility will expect more than comfortable and elegant quarters: easy access and egress -- egress is underlined and in bold -- are our highest priority.'  And here's the kicker (continues):  'Again, we think you are the perfect man to help us in the design and construction of this project, you dig?'  That's right, it says 'You dig?'  Who talks like that anymore?''

"Has El Chapo been apprised of the offer?"

"Absolutely.  We had the letter translated and read to him.  Funny, he seemed to understand all the points that confused us."

"Is he considering it?"

"Of course, right now he's on trial for murder, so he's pretty focused on that, but he said he wants to see the Mueller report before making any commitments."

Trump Finds an Ally on Border Policy

Oval Office

November 26, 2018

Aide:  And one more thing, Mr. President.

Trump:  (Visibly annoyed)  Okay, but make it quick, Jared is on his way with my Big Mac!

Aide:  Yes sir.  I am afraid it is disturbing news about a US citizen who was killed abroad.

Trump:  (Perks up)  Where?  Mexico?  Iran?  Some other shithole country?

Aide:  No sir.  The young man, John Chau, was attempting to enter North Sentinal Island illegally but unfortunately was killed on the beach  by ... ?

Trump:  (Interrupting)  So no visa?  No papers?  And they just killed him?

Aide:  That's about it.  Now, something we need to keep in mind ...

Trump:  (Invigorated)  Get me the ambassador on the phone, right now.

Aide:  Sir?

Trump:  Come one, snap snap.  I want to talk to our ambassador to North ... Central? ... Seagull?  What was the name of this place again?

Aide: North Sentinel Island.  And we don't have a diplomatic presence there sir, in fact ...

Trump:  Really?  Okay, can you get me the president on the line?  I want to congratulate him.

Aide:  President, sir?

Trump:  President, king, grand poobah, whatever it is they have on that North ... North ... you know what I'm talking about.

Aide:  As I've been trying to explain, sir, this is a small island that technically belongs to India, but is inhabited by a small indigenous tribe that has had almost no outside contact with the world.  Mr. Chau should have realized that they would ...

Trump:  These are my kind of people!  They defend their borders.  We've got to run with this -- let those liberal mambie-pambies know we're not the only ones ready to fight off invaders.

Aide:  Sir, you must realize that it is hard to draw a parallel between a primitive  tribe of a 100 people and the richest, most powerful country on the planet?

Trump:  (walking away from desk)  I think I just heard Jared walk in.  Tell Pompeo I want to go to this North ... um ... well, you know, and soon.  (Slams door.)

Venezuelan Delegation Visits Governor-Elect Kemp

November 7, 2018

Venezuelan official: We are here on behalf of el Presidente.  He has this problem, and for some reason, he thinks you can help him.

Kemp: Well heck, fellas, from what I hear your Presidente might be a little 'loco' (twirls index finger around ear), but I sure would like to help our neighbors.  What's his problem?

Venezuelan official: He has an election coming up.

Kemp: And?

Venezuelan official: He's not very popular.  No, it's more than that.  Everyone hates him -- his own mother hates him.  She said ...

Kemp: Okay, I get the picture, but I'm still not sure I understand the problem.

Venezuelan official: Don't you see?  How is he going to win the election if everyone hates him?

Kemp: How did he get elected in the first place?

Venezuelan official: It wasn't easy.  First, we had some people in all the polling stations who pointed out the people who voted for our opponent so the police could beat them up.  Then, when our opponents realized what was happening and started to protest, we had the army on the streets to protect the "sanctity of the election." (All chuckle.)  We only had to shoot a few people, then they all ran away.

Kemp: Badass! I like it.  So why can't you do it again?

Venezuelan official: We're not sure we have enough gas to move our troops.  And we're running out of bullets!

Kemp: I hear you.  Maybe you should just try what I did.  Do you know the places where your opponents live?

Venezuelan official: Yes.

Kemp: Okay, listen to this, just tell people who show up to vote in those places that their names aren't on the lists of eligible voters.

Venezuelan official: Oh no.  These are all Venezuelan citizens.  They all have the right to vote.

Kemp: But ... for some reason or another -- and you'll have to think of something good -- you had to cross their names of the list.

Venezuelan official: You mean, just lie to them?

Kemp: You can look at it that way, but it makes for better optics than gunning them down in the street.

Venezuelan official: Well, okay.  Thank you for the time, but I 'm not sure el Presidente will like this.  The right to vote is sacred to him.

WH: Body Slams? Okay. Bombs? No Way.

White House Briefing Room 

October 24, 2018

Question:  Sarah, does President Trump feel any personal responsibility for creating the political climate in which people think it's acceptable to send bombs to prominent public figures?

Sanders:  Of course not, why should he?

Question:  Well, for example, last week at a rally in Montana, didn't he praise Rep. Greg Gianforte for assaulting a correspondent from The Guardian?

Sanders:  Not at all.  President Trump was just proud that Rep. Gianforte shares the people of Montana's distrust for the media.

Question:  Sarah, the President specifically described how the Congressman "body slammed" the reporter, then said "he's my kind guy."

Sanders:  I think you are reading the President's comments too literally.  We say in the media all the time that "So-and-so slams so-and-so, or something-or-other."  I think that's what President Trump meant.

Question:  Sarah, you know that Congressman Gianforte pleaded guilty to misdemeanor assault and was required to take anger management training.

Sanders:  So it sounds like Congressman Gianforte has put this behind him, so maybe we should all move on.

Question:  Just so we are clear, the President unequivocally condemns the attempted attacks on President Obama, Secretary Clinton, and others?

Sanders:  Absolutely.  In fact, he personally called Attorney General Sessions and ordered him to investigate whether these parcels were sent by the caravan of terrorists, murderers, and rapists that is slowly advancing its way through Mexico to challenge our American way-of-life.

Question:  Sarah, how in the world would ...

Sanders:  Sorry, no more questions today.

WH: Trump Was Right About Khashoggi

The White House held an impromptu press briefing Friday evening in response to the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia's official announcement that Saudi national and Washington Post columnist Jamal Khashoggi died "in a fight" at the Saudi consulate in Istanbul.  This coming after two weeks of Saudi claims that Khashoggi had left the consulate alive on October 2.

In brief prepared remarks White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckleby Sanders expressed condolences to Mr. Khashoggi's family, then concluded, "Let the record show that one day after President Trump stated 'It appears that Mr. Khashoggi is dead,' his instincts were proven to be correct."  When confronted by the fact that most world leaders had come to the same conclusion two weeks ago Sanders responded, "This isn't a president who runs with the crowd."  When befuddled journalists asked just what that meant, Sanders pressed on:  "I'm just stating facts.  President Trump's instincts are infallible.  Whether it's a question of the wisdom of giving the richest Americans a huge tax cut, trusting know-it-all scientists about so-called global warming, risking a trade war with China, or recognizing the death of a journalist in the Saudi consulate in Istanbul, the American people -- real Americans -- can trust President Trump."

Asked if Mr. Khashoggi's death will affect US-Saudi relations, given the strong personal ties between Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad Bin Salman and presidential son-in-law Jared Kushner, Sanders replied, "It appears to President Trump that the Crown Prince will be cleared of any involvement in the assass,,., um, accidental death, so he does not see any reason why the US-Saudi partnership cannot move forward."

"Not Me": Mailroom Clerk Denies Being Author of NYT Editorial

The White House's frantic search for the "high ranking Administration" official who authored a blistering anonymous attack on President Donald Trump published in the New York Times has apparently eliminated White House aides and Secretarial appointments and descended on Lloyd Hawkins, known as "Hawk" to his colleagues, a GS-05 mailroom technician at the Department of Labor.  Hawkins expressed surprise at being stopped in the hallway by Secret Service agents to answer questions about the damning editorial.  Hawkins denied being the author of the editorial.  "Heck, to write that I'd have to use one of those stupid machines," pointing at a nearby computer.  "They gave up trying to train me on those things, so the guys here just write everything out for me."  A colleague nodded wearily in confirmation.  Asked if he considered himself to be "high ranking," Hawkins pointed with pride at his 20-year pin.  "Yes sir, just 10 more years until I'm out of here."  Hawkins claims not to bear any hostility to President Trump or the administration, "To tell you the truth, I thought that Obama fella was still president.  I guess I should read the paper more."

New White House Counsel Surrenders to FBI

Summoned to the White House to discuss his assumption of the role of head counsel, Paul Cipollone stopped at the FBI Washington Field Office to turn himself in.  When told that there are no standing Federal warrants for his arrest, Cipollone left his card "for when the inevitable happens."

Mike Pence Mysteriously Delaying Order For New Business Cards

Heard somewhere in the West Wing ...

General Kelly:  So, Helen, do we have all the forms for the new business cards?
WH Staffer:     All but one.
General Kelly: Don't tell me, the Vice President.
WH Staffer:     You've got it.  Believe me, sir, I've been reminding him whenever I see him.  I told him that we have to get these orders in right away so we can get a 20% discount.
General Kelly: And?
WH Staffer:     He keeps muttering something about how he just wants to be sure all the information was correct and how it would be a shame if something changed after he got his cards.

The Cohen-Trump Tapes, Vol. 2

[Door opens]

Cohen: DTrump!  Why the long face?

Trump: I've got problems, huge problems, Mickey.

Cohen: Well, taking care of problems is what I do.  What can I do for you?

Trump: I think I figured out what the Russians have got on me.

Cohen: The Russians?  Don't worry, that girl will ...

Trump: Shhh!  I know you took care of her, it's something else.  Here.  [Muffled thumping sound]  Go ahead, open it.

[Ripping paper]

Cohen: It's a robe.  So, it's a robe?  A guy can't have a robe?

Trump: Read the emblem.

Cohen: Hotel Metropol - Moscow.  I still don't get it.

Trump: Listen.  When I am in hotels I always feel like I own the place, and I usually do, so I don't think much about taking a towel, a robe, 'frisking' the maid [vulgar laughter], if you catch my drift.

Cohen: So?

Trump: So, when I was in Moscow for the Miss Universe pageant a few years ago -- hey, do remember Miss Bulgaria? -- I stayed in this hotel for an overnight.  And when I was leaving, I may have, well, stolen this robe.  Hey, come on, feel how soft.

Cohen: Sure, it's soft, but I don't see how this can be such a problem.

Trump: Yeah, I figured, 'Hey, I'm Donald Fucking Trump, if I want a robe, then I'll take the robe.'  But then a few weeks later I got this.  Here, read it.

Cohen: [Reading] "Dear Mr. Trump, After your recent visit our cleaning staff could not find the robe that had been left for your use while a guest.  If you mistakenly placed the item in your luggage, please return it.  Otherwise, we will be compelled to charge you an additional ..."  Okay, so did you reply to this?

Trump: You're damn right I did!  Imagine, asking Donald Trump about a fucking robe!  I had my girl send them a letter denying that I took the robe and threatening to sue them into the stratosphere if I ever heard another word about it.

Cohen: And did you hear anything else?

Trump: Here.

Cohen: [Reading] "Dear Mr. Trump, We apologize for the misunderstanding.  We hope that you will consider staying at ..."  So they bought it! 

Trump: Maybe.  But what if there's a tape, like with the ... Shhhhh!

Cohen: So what do you need me to do?

Trump: Get rid of it.

Cohen: Get rid of what, the robe?

Trump: Of course!  Get rid of it!  I don't need to the wheres or hows, just get rid of it!

Cohen: But if there's a tape ...

Trump: No robe, no crime - that's how I see it.

Cohen: But aren't you just making it worse?  Couldn't you  ...

Trump: Get rid of it!

Cohen: Fine, consider it done.  I'll just ...

Trump: Shhh!  There, that's why I keep coming to you, Mickey.  Say hi to the missus.

[Door opens and closes]

Cohen: That was President-elect Donald Trump.  The date is January 8, 2017.  The time is 10:42 a.m.

Trump: Did I say "I do?"

An anonymous White House staffer has offered a stunning explanation for President Trump's dubious assertion that he "misspoke" when he sided with Russian President Vladimir Putin at their joint news conference on the question of whether Russia interfered in the 2016 US election. 

-        It's a trial balloon -- he wants to see how many people will buy it.

-        A trial balloon?  For what?

-        Well, what if at his impeachment trial ... please, we both know it's only a matter of when ... as I was saying, what if at his impeachment trial it turns out that he never swore to uphold the Constitution? 

-        But he took the oath of office.  The thousands of people who showed up for his inauguration heard it.

-        Thousands?  Don't you mean ... oh, never mind.  But what if he 'misspoke?'  What if he meant to say, 'I do not?'  How could you impeach him for violating the Constitution if he never swore to uphold the Constitution?

-        Are you kidding?  Who's going to believe that?    

-        That's what we're trying to find out.

Putin: Why Couldn't He Just Stay on Script?

Russian President Vladimir Putin was still fuming after returning to Moscow from his Helskinki summit meeting with American President Donald Trump:  

--  "That idiot!  Our discussion could not have been better.  I got him to agree not only to endorse Russia's annexation of Crimea but to open a US consulate and to issue a joint statement blaming the Ukrainian defense forces -- actually, the CIA-backed Ukrainian defense forces - for shooting down Malaysia Flight 17 if we let him build a hotel in Moscow.  I told him: 'Donald, before we announce these brilliant agreements, you will need to show people at our press conference that you stood up to me.'  And he says, 'Sure thing, Vlad.'  That's right, he calls me 'Vlad.'  But did you see that?  I feel betrayed.  Back to the drawing board.  We'll have to see how it goes with President Pence."  

--  "Don't you mean, Vice President Pence, Vladimir Vladimirovich?"  

--  "Viktor, golubchik, the order has already been given."  

LinkedIn Fixers Discussion Group Ousts Michael Cohen

In more fallout from the Stormy Daniels story, the LinkedIn Fixers Discussion Group  announced on Friday that they were ejecting Michael Cohen, who may or may not have been attorney/fixer for President Trump.  I spoke with group administrator Mario "The Wrench" Goldini about this action.

- Thank you for taking the time to speak with me, Mr. Goldini.

- You're welcome.

- First of all, I guess like many others I was surprised to learn that there is a Fixers Discussion Group on LinkedIn.  Can anyone join?

- Yeah, well, I guess you could say that it was a break with protocol to announce our existence, but we thought it was important.  And to answer your question, membership is strictly by referral.  Our council looks you over before you're made, I mean, accepted.

- And why was it so important?

- Cohen brought dishonor to the profession. 

- "Fixing?"

- Yeah, that's right, fixing.  Hey, no one likes us until you get a squeaky wheel that needs a little grease. 

- So how did Mr. Cohen dishonor the profession, exactly?  Was it his deception?  Greed?

- Nah, he didn't fix anything, did he?  If he had just read our white paper, "How to Silence a Former Mistress," nobody would have ever heard of Stormy What's-Her-Name.

- And what will be the practical effect of Mr. Cohen's ejection from the group?

- For starters, he won't have access to our discussion boards.

- Are your discussions that interesting?

- Maybe not to a layman, but if you'd like to know that a certain IRS auditor in the Buffalo field office just might need a new roof, it might be interesting.

- And by "roof," you mean ....

- I mean a roof, they go on top of your house.  Cost a fortune to re-tile.  Hard to swing on a civil servant's salary.

- Can't Mr. Cohen just re-join under an alias?

- Everyone knows that aliases are not his strong suit.  He could have used our white paper on that, too.

- Wow, you guys have a lot of white papers.

- That's right, including one on making nosy reporters disappear.

Lyndon LaRouche Suddenly Mainstream

Loudon County, VA

As they gathered to plan yet another Quixotic presidential campaign, Lyndon LaRouche and his advisers were befuddled by the reality that they have been outflanked on the lunatic fringe of national politics.  In comparison with plans to arm schoolteachers, erect a giant border wall, and grant massive tax breaks to the wealthiest Americans, LaRouche's pet theories on global Judeo-Masonic conspiracy and connections between the British royal family and the international drug trade seem quite reasonable.  "Oh my God," exclaimed long-time adviser Fred Schiller, "Lyndon's now the center.  There was a time when we could put a guy in the median of a busy intersection with a sign that read 'Global Warming is phonier than Obama's birth certificate' and he would cause traffic jams, but now that this is in the GOP platform, all we get is shrugs."  

To adapt to this new reality, the LaRouche organization is reassessing its entire communications strategy.  Instead of deploying legions of emaciated youths in threadbare sweaters to hawk LaRouche literature on street corners, the LaRouche team will focus more on developing contacts with traditional party operatives in key primary states.  "Traditional, got to get used to that word," commented Schiller. They are also considering a new approach to the media that will involve arranging interviews rather than harassing journalists.   

"March for Our Lives" Thumbs Nose at Adults

Washington, DC

March 24, 2018

Students rallied across the nation on March 24 in "March for Our Lives" protests in dozens of cities.  Their message was clear:  Students should be safe from gun violence ... the rest of you are on your own.  As one of the many inspiring speakers in Washington, DC, put it, "We need to stand up to the NRA so that there will be no more mass school shootings.  Mass shootings should be restricted to post offices, industrial parks, night clubs, outdoor concerts, and other venues where most of the potential victims are past school-age!" This led to a spontaneous chant of "Adults suck!" from the primarily teenage crowd.  When asked if the rallies may be missing the larger problem of gun violence, organizer Mary DeWitt responded, "Hey, march for your own lives."

Tillerson lands new position as "Star Witness"

Freshly deposed Secretary of State Rex Tillerson gave some hints at his farewell news conference that he may not recede from public view just yet.  Addressing the challenges ahead, Tillerson noted, "It's in times of transition like this when you reconnect with old friends, or maybe even make new friends.  For example, I hear this Bob Mueller is a really nice fellow.  Any of you have his number?  Seriously, anyone?"  When the businessman-turned-statesman was asked what was the most important thing he's learned during his time in Washington, he responded cryptically, "Always get your immunity deal in writing."  His biggest regret:  "I never figured out why they call it Foggy Bottom."  In closing, Tillerson thanked the diplomatic corps present, and asked again, "Seriously, does anyone know Mueller's number?" before being pulled from the podium.

Source: Trump thought Kim was 'some Asian chick'

An anonymous White House aide reports that President Trump is privately fuming, having just learned that Kim Jong-Un is not a woman after the historic meeting with the North Korean leader was announced.

-        But this is incredible!  How could this have happened?

-        When the overture came from the South Koreans there was no one here with a high enough clearance to read and explain it to him, so he had to read it for himself.  His take was that a woman -- sorry, 'Asian chick,' named Kim wanted to hook up.  So he called his staff in and announced with a big smile, 'I'm going to see Kim!'  The press office thought we should run with it so there would be one day where lead story did not mention 'Mueller' or 'Stormy.'  By then it was too late.

-        How is it possible that he doesn't know the name of the North Korean leader? 

-        How is it possible? Why do you think he came up with 'Rocket Man'?  He could never remember his name.

-        Listen, I know he's, well, limited, but is he really that bad with names?

-        Are you kidding?  He still calls Eric and Barron 'champ.'

-        A lot is riding on this meeting.  Our allies there hope that we can come to some kind of understanding that will guarantee long-term security in the region.  Is the President going to be ready?

-        It's hard to say, but up until yesterday his main concern was how this would look to Melania.

Daylight Savings Mayhem

Across the country, rescue crews and emergency rooms were stretched to the limit trying to handle the rash of accidents and mishaps caused by daylight savings time-induced sleep disorder, a recently discovered condition whereby the mere mention of the words "daylight savings time" evokes a Pavlovian response in sufferers.  Waiting for his Nissan Stanza to be towed from a ditch near the George Washington Parkway in McLean, VA, 42-year old Russ Westhaven recalled, "I was on my way to church, feeling a little bit drowsy, when they mentioned daylight savings time on the radio and -- Boom! -- I was out like a light.  Next thing I knew, I my car was wedged between two spruce trees."  Westhaven added, "It's funny, last week I had to get up an hour early for a meeting and it was no big deal.  Must be something about daylight savings time..."  Before he could finish his sleep, Westhaven was snoring.

This wasn't news to ER nurse Sharon Carter.  "We see the same thing every year.  Folks falling down stairs, sticking their hands the toasters, spilling hot coffee all over themselves.  Doesn't anyone ever think to go to bed an hour early?  I'm going to write my congressman, or someone, so that the government put out some kind of alerts that if people would just go to bed early it will be easier to adjust to daylight savings time ...."  But at the utterance of those words, Carter fell into a deep slumber.

"Tough Language" for Tough Times

January 16, 2018

Somewhere in the West Wing

Washington, DC

Kelly:  Okay, we all know why we're here.  We've got to get ahead of this story on what happened and what was said in that Immigration meeting with the Congressional leaders.

Trump: You mean when I called Africa a bunch of shi....

Kelly:  Sir!  We agreed you weren't going to say that word ever again.

Trump:  Okay, but I still don't see the big deal, they're a bunch of shi ....

Kelly:  Sir!!!

Trump:  Heh-heh-heh, got you!

Kelly:  Yes, you did, sir. [Muttering] Moron.  Okay, to recap, we tried to go with a quasi-denial, saying that although the President did not say those specific words, that "tough" language was used, but that did not go over very well.  This just led to more questions about exactly what that language was.  Then we tried floating the idea that the President actually said "shithouse countries," not "shithole countries..."

Trump:  Heh-heh, you said it!

Kelly:  [Deep breath] ... to give our friends who "couldn't remember" hearing that word some cover, but this did not go over much better.  Turns out that shithouse sounds as bad as shithole.

Miller:  How about shiplap?

Kelly:  What's that?

Miller:  Shiplap.  You know, exposed rough-sawn boarding.  Don't you ever watch home improvement shows?  It's shiplap this and shiplap that.  It's supposed to give a room a certain rustic look.

Kelly:  Okay, how does that help us here?

Miller:  What if we say that the President called the nations of Africa "shiplap countries?"  That might mean he seems them as solidly built while still authentic.

Kelly:  Hey, that's not bad.  And since the President has a background in construction, he would know all about shipflap, not like those city liberals who couldn't tell ...

Miller:  Shiplap, no "f."  Ship-lap.

Kelly:  Whatever.  Mr. President, have you ever heard of ship... ship-lap?

Trump:  Heh-heh, you said it again!

Kelly:  Don't worry, we'll work on it.  Get Sanders in here!

Oh Thank Heaven ...

January 10, 2018

Somewhere near you, USA

- Sir, I am afraid you cannot come in.  This 7-11 will be closed until we're through.

- What is this, some kind of raid?

- I'm afraid I cannot comment on that.  Well, you look okay --- I guess you could call it a raid.

- Wow, so they finally sent someone out.  I don't believe it!

- Sir?

- I've been complaining about this place for years.  I assumed that no one cared.  But you're here!

- In that case, sir, would you mind answering a few questions.

- Sure, anything to help.

- Okay.  So what can you tell us about Jamma Barre?

- Who? 

- Jamma Barre.  He works here.  (Shows a picture.)

- Oh, Jimbo!  Sure.  He told me I could never pronounce his name correctly so I call him Jimbo.

- Know him well?

- Pretty well, I guess.  We talk 3 or 4 times a week.

- Do you know how long Mr. Barre has been in the country?

- You got me there.  I know it's been a couple of years since he got his citizenship.

- Excuse me, did you say citizenship?

- That's right.

- He's a United States citizen?

- Yep.

- Are you sure?

- I wasn't there, but he showed me pictures of the swearing in.

- Okay, let's forget about Mr. Barre.  How about Syed Jinnah?

- Can't help you there.

- This guy.  (Shows a picture.)

- Oh, you mean Sid.  Helluva a guy. 

- Well, do you have any reason to consider Mr. Jinnah, I mean "Sid," a threat to our country?

- Sid?  Of course, not, but then again, he is a Yankee fan, he-he-he.  

- So Mr. Jinnah is a baseball fan?

- Not just baseball, any sport, it's all he talks about.  Say, how come all these questions about the workers?  When are we going to talk about the egg roll?

- The egg roll?

- That's right, the egg roll.  The egg roll that was so old and crusty that it pulled out my crown!  

- The egg roll?

- Come on, I sent in a picture of my tooth stuck in the egg roll.  You must have seen it.  I don't blame Jimbo and Sid, I'm sure it's the higher ups who won't let them throw out the food, but I thought you guys could do something.

- Egg roll?  No, I'm sorry, sir, we can't help you with that.  You'll need to move along now.

- Wait, aren't you from the Health Department?

- No, sir, and you'll need to move along.

- Well, then who are you?

- Immigration, sir.  Again, I need to ask you to ... (turns) Fred!! Don't eat that!!!

Other Revelations from the Wolff Book

While press coverage of Michael Wolff's behind-the-scenes account of the Trump White House has focused primarily on Steve Bannon's stunning characterization of a meeting between the Trump campaign and a Russian government-connected attorney as "treasonous" and on Bannon's other indelicate remarks about the Trump family, other revelations from the book about the President are sure to raise eyebrows:

Phone Envy - "Everyone thinks we had to ban phones in the White House to prevent leaks, but actually it was because whenever the President saw someone else with their phone he would throw a tantrum because he was sure it was better than his."

He thinks Tiffany is the Smart One - "God knows we have had a lot of turnover here, and we've had to learn how to deal with it.  For example, we learned that when we suggest names for some new position we needed to include a brief on why his daughter Tiffany would not make a strong candidate.  We've learned further that rather than focus on her lack of training and experience the explanation should stress how she would find the position boring." 

His Greatest Ambition is to get Joe Namath's Autograph - "He's a New Yorker, I get it.  1968.  The Guarantee.  But he's just obsessed.  One day he went on and on about how he'd love Joe Namath's autograph, so Jared says, 'you're the President, why don't you just invite him to the White House?'  Suddenly, he gets all flustered -- he turns even more orange, starts fidgeting with his collar, and mutters nervously, 'Just invite him?  I'm sure he's busy, even wanted to come.  Do you think he wants to come?'"

Briefs - "As in Depends." 

Is in Negotiations for a Cabinet-version of "The Apprentice" - "Why do you think he picked Ben Carson and Betsy DeVos?  Competence?  He just thinks it would be great TV to see them team up for some new wacky assignment every week."

Blames Putin for being elected - "You should hear him sometimes, 'Everything was falling into place.  I'd get O'Reilly's slot to say whatever I want, get paid a fortune, and only have to work an hour a day.  But those stupid Russians wouldn't given up.  I told them, just make it close!'"