Trump-Putin: The Lost Translator's Notes (Vol. 7)

 Palm Beach-Moscow

January 31, 2021

Trump:  Vlad?  Are you there?
Putin:  Yes.  Listen, Donald, how did you get this number?
Trump:  It wasn’t easy – and by the way, I just want to say again how cool it is that you let me call you Vlad.
Putin:  Actually, Donald, maybe it would be more appropriate if you started to address me as Vladimir Vladimirovich. 
Trump:  [Haltingly] Well, um, I guess I could try to call you, um, how’s that again?
Putin:  It’s all coming back to me.  Maybe we’d better stick to Vlad – for now. What is it, Donald?  How are you enjoying your retirement? 
Trump:  [Nervously] Retirement, heh-heh.  Good one, Vlad.
Putin:  No.  Seriously.  I heard that you are retired now. 
Trump:  Come on, Vlad.  I mean, I’m sorry -- again -- how I let you down in the election, but I wouldn’t say I’m retired.  I was just calling to see when would be a good time for Don Jr. to fly to Moscow. 
Putin:  Your son wants to see Moscow?  I don’t know, Donald, maybe you haven’t heard that the stupid Chinese virus is still hitting us pretty hard.  Maybe Don Jr. could come next year?  He could bring the kids.    
Trump:  No, this isn’t a pleasure trip.  Don’t tell me you forgot how you told me once I was out of office that you would give the green light for a Trump hotel the heart of Moscow.  You promised me a view of the Kremlin from the top twenty floors.  I thought it would be a good idea for Jr. to lay some of the groundwork with your people.   
Putin:  Actually, Donald, are you sure you have the financing for a new hotel in Moscow?
Trump:  Well, Vlad, I was hoping that you might be able to ….
Putin:  Sorry, Donald.  Have you heard about this Navalny fellow?  It’s like he has a video camera in my credit card.  So I’m afraid my people won’t be able to help you. 
Trump:  Ah, jeez.  I was really counting on that.  But, hey, I’ve never had a problem coming up with money.  So, should I tell Jr that … 
Putin:  Not so fast, Donald.  What about that $238 million note from DeutscheBank due in April?  And I hear your DC hotel lost $17.3 million last year?  And aren’t memberships at Mar-A-Lago ….
Trump:  Hey, how do you know so much about my finances?  If I didn’t know better I’d think you had a bug in my accountants office.  He-he, but that would be crazy, right Vlad?  Vlad?  Are you still there?
[Silence]
Putin:  Oh, sorry, Donald.  I have to run.  I’m building … I mean, a friend is building a little place on the Black Sea and there’s a problem with the tiles. 
Trump:  Hey, Vlad, I get it.  I only hope you can pay this kind of attention to my hotel. 
Putin:  Your what?  Oh, right.  Just let me know when you clear up your debts and we’ll talk. 
Trump:  But, Vlad, that could be a while.    
Putin:  Chin up, Donald.  I’m sure you’ll figure something out.  And don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll patch things up with Melania. 
[Line goes dead]
Trump:  [Turns] Sorry, son, looks like the trip to Moscow is off for a while.  Hey, what did he mean "patch things up with Melania"? 
Putin:  [Angrily] Who gave him this number?