Mar-A-Lago, Florida
September 1, 2023
[Two men in suits enter a banquet room where dozens are
seated at tables]
Attorney 1: Ladies and, um, I guess there are only
gentlemen here. I hope you enjoyed the buffet,
but now it’s time to get to business. Thank
you for coming in on short notice, but as you know, our client has a trial – actually,
a series of trials – coming up, which means we need to settle on a winning
defense strategy now. Unfortunately,
because several members of Mr. Trump’s legal team have decided to leave his
employ and several others are, um, facing indictment or disbarment, we have had
to assemble this group on the fly, but I’m sure if we put our heads together,
we can make this happen.
Attorney 2: Given that Mr. Trump is facing several
different charges on several different fronts …
Voice from the room: They won’t leave the poor man alone!
Attorney 2: … be that as it may, I thought it best if we
tackle each case differently. So then,
let’s look at the Federal charges.
First, we have the documents case.
As I am sure you all know, these charges are being brought under the …
Voice from the room: It’s a crock. It’s all because of that drug-addict maniac
Smith guy got orders from Sleepy Joe Biden to ….
[Laughter and shouts of agreement.]
Attorney 1: Hold on there, sir. I think it best if we try to keep our
discussion limited to the legal dimensions.
Whatever our opinions might be of Mr. Smith, we need to fashion a
strategy that addresses the [clears throat] quite impressive arguments
and evidence in the indictment. So, I
think we might begin by looking at …
Voice from the room: But it’s all lies! Those are personal papers. Those corrupt Bidens just know that President
Trump will beat them – again – in 2024.
[Loud shouts of agreement.]
Attorney 1: As I
said, our discussion here should focus on the letter of the law. Now during discovery we are hoping to see if …
Voice from the room: Discovery? As soon as we “discover” the addresses of a
couple of jurors we’ll have nothing to worry about.
[Cheering and chanting from the room]
Attorney 2: That would be highly illegal Mr. …, I’m
afraid I don’t recognize you, sir.
Attendee: Peter Holland, at President Trump’s service.
Attorney 2: And
what firm are you with, Mr. Holland?
Attendee: Holland’s Pool Patrol.
Attorney 1: I’m
sorry, did you say Holland’s Pool Patrol? You mean you are not an attorney?
Attendee: Well,
not in the way that, well, no. But when I
met President Trump Junior …
Attorney 2: Do you
mean Mr. Trump’s son?
Attendee: Yessiree. Well, I met him when I was cleaning
his pool and we got to talking about how those woke Washington swamp rats keep
going after President Trump and he said, ‘Pete, you’re just the kind of guy my
father needs on his defense team.’ Next
thing I know, I got an invitation to this meeting.
Attorney 1: Thank you, we appreciate your devotion to Mr.
Trump, but, unfortunately, given the legal complexities, we only need input from
those who actually understand legal complexities.
Attendee: But ….
Attorney 1: Sit, please.
Now then, given the, um, [shakes head] very impressive arguments
and evidence in the indictment, I wonder if we should pursue some kind of
settlement. What if we were to offer …
Voice from the room: Would you mind standin’ up?
Attorney 1: Excuse me?
Attendee 2: You heard me.
I said, would you mind standin’ up?
I see the jacket and tie, but I was wondering if you’re wearing a tutu
because only some little girl would suggest giving up instead of fighting this bullshit
charge like a man!
[Boisterous yells from the room]
Attorney 1: [nervously] I see, and you would be …
Attendee 2: K.P. Darnell.
Patriot. Ready for action – not all
this squawking.
Attorney 1: Mr. Darnell – let me say that’s quite a belt
buckle – are you an attorney, by chance?
Attendee 2: Are you kidding? How can a hard-working white
guy like me get into elite law school with all those woke quotas and tests? [Nods of agreement throughout room.] I won this trip for contributing 6 months in
a row to President Trump’s Defense Fund.
That’s what I told the guy out front and he showed me in here.
Attorney 2: Okay, show of hands: is anyone here an
attorney? Anyone? Or paralegal?
Or watched a lot of Law and Order?
[Nervous looks – no one raises their hand]
Attorney 2: In that case, if you gentlemen would excuse
my colleague and me, you can get back to the buffet. Oh look, more shrimp.
[Attorneys leave room while all others rush to the buffet
table]
Attorney 1: We knew this wouldn’t be easy. Say, just how did you end up as a counsel to
Mr. Trump?
Attorney 2: My our managing partner is an old friend of Trump. We drew straws and guess who lost. You?
Attorney 1: I was afraid you might recognize me. Season 5?
Attorney 2: The Apprentice! I thought you looked familiar. I didn’t know that you were a lawyer.
Attorney 1: I wasn’t, then. After I won the contest, in addition to
signing an NDA they made me take this lifetime loyalty oath.
Attorney 2: Seriously?!
Attorney 1: Yep.
Even had to get down on my knees. I thought it was just for show but then I got
a call a couple of months ago from the big guy himself that started “I hear you
finished Yale Law. I need you fast.”
Attorney 2: Wow, that’s a great story. Tell me, have you been …
Attorney 1: Paid?
No. Funny how everyone around
here gets tight-lipped when I ask about my fee.
Attorney 2: It would take a pretty big check to make this
worth it. We told our kids, 2 and 5,
that Daddy stole a lot of money so now he’s hiding. Somehow that sounded better than, you know,
this.
Together: I need a drink.
