Taking its cue from the decision of the Academy of Motion Picture
Arts and Sciences to conduct this year's Oscars ceremony without a host, the State
of Virginia has decided to operate for the time being without a governor. “This is really embarrassing,” stated Senator
Mark Warner, a former governor who headed an ad hoc committee to identify a new
governor in the wake of scandals affecting Virginia’s elected governor,
lieutenant governor, and attorney general.
Following the lines of succession, the committee has gone through 113 state
and local officials, all of whom were found to have some disqualifying racial,
sexual, or financial impropriety in their past that disqualified them for office. “We thought we finally had a winner, but it
turned out that the Commissioner of Elections in Rappahannock County had viewed
the stolen nude photos of Jennifer Lawrence while they were still online. We just can’t have that, I guess.” Amazingly, the damning information on all 113
individuals was uncovered by hitherto unknown journalist Patrick Howley of the
hitherto unknown website Big League Politics.
“Geez,” said Warner, “I’ve heard of having your ear to the ground, but
this kid is ridiculous.”
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