Melania: Is Beto Cute?

Reporter: Mrs. Trump, I am honored and surprised that your office contacted us and said that you wanted to give an interview.  If you don’t mind, I was going to tape this to make sure that …

FLOTUS: Turn it off!

Reporter: Okay, if that’s what you prefer.  [Turns off recorder]  Now, could …

FLOTUS: No, I have a question for you.  This Beeto who everyone is talking about, is he cute?

Reporter: Do you mean Beto O’Rourke?  It’s pronounced ‘Bay-to.’

FLOTUS: Beeto, Bay-to, who cares?  Is he cute?

Reporter: I’m not sure I could say.  He’s a very engaging young man, and he seems to have inspired a lot of supporters.

FLOTUS: Can’t you answer a simply question?  Is he cute?  I’ve seen his photos, but believe me, I know how easy it is to fake an image.  I need to know this before I … before I … um …

Reporter: Mrs. Trump, what are you trying to say?

FLOTUS: I don’t want to leave here.  There I said it.

Reporter: But why would you have to leave?

FLOTUS: I know everyone thinks I’m dumb, but I know that if Donald is lucky enough to last two more years there’s no way he will be re-elected, and I don’t want to leave.

Reporter: But everyone says that you have been miserable in Washington.

FLOTUS: I changed my mind.  Maybe the White House isn’t as nice as Palm Beach, but I love the service.

Reporter: The service?

FLOTUS: Yes, in New York it was all those fat old men, “Good morning, Mrs. Trump,” “Let me help you with that Mrs. Trump,” all the time with their hands out waiting for a big tip.  But here, it’s all those handsome young men in their dark suits, always polite but not too friendly.  I do not want to lose them.  Even the lesbian.

Reporter: Are you talking about the Secret Service?

FLOTUS: I guess, I never understood why they call them that.  What’s the secret?

Reporter: And what does that have to do with Beto O’Rourke.

FLOTUS: Well, I hear he has a good chance to replace Donald, so, I thought, maybe?

Reporter: You could marry him?  How do you think that would look?  And besides, Beto is happily married.

FLOTUS: How would it look?  Worse than sleeping with a porn actress?  And he might be happily married now, but, when he sees … [runs hand over hips].

Reporter: Mrs. Trump, I’m afraid I will not be able to continue this.  It would not be professional.  Good day. [Dashes for door]

FLOTUS: One word of this and I’ll sue.

….

U.S. Secret Service Protective Specialist [Name Redacted]:  I’m not a lesbian!  I keep telling her.  I’ve shown her pictures of my husband and kids.  I’m just tall.  She just winks and says, “It’s okay, I won’t tell.”  Anyway, this is what I signed up for.  [Mutters to herself]  Must take the bullet.  Must take the bullet.  Must take the bullet.