The White House
January 10, 2021
Trump: Come on in, Jared.
Kushner: Thank you, sir.
Trump: I’ve come to a big decision. I’m ready to walk away from all this, as long as we can come up with a figure.
Kushner: [Visibly relieved.] Oh, thank you, sir. I was afraid to raise the question – especially after you threw a paperweight at Mr. Meadows the other day. But really, at this point, resigning is probably best for the country – and for you! Especially for you.
Trump: Yeah, I think I’ve done all I can do anyway, and it looks like that witch Pelosi has talked the Joints Chief out my raid on Iran. God, that would have been great.
Kushner: It certainly would have, sir. Now, about that figure, I think we should move quickly, no more than a couple of days.
Trump: A couple of days, 5 days – I don’t care as long as I get paid. But I need to have my numbers straight. I was thinking of asking for $100 million, but I’d probably settle for $50 million. Think Pelosi will go for that?
Kushner: [Confused] Sir, $50 million for what, exactly?
Trump: My buyout, what else? That’s the way it’s always worked. When I stop making money from some deal, or when it just starts to become a pain in the keyster, I take off, but not before I secure some big buyout, for, you know, compensation.
Kushner: But, sir, you have already been compensated. You receive a salary.
Trump: A few hundred K a year? That barely covers Earl’s allowance.
Kushner: Earl, sir?
Trump: My son.
Kushner: You mean Barron?
Trump: [Thinks for a second] Yeah, that's him. Sweet kid. Melania’s.
Kushner: And besides that, sir, given the general mood in the country right now it’s not like you have a lot of leverage. Congress is ready to impeach you -- again -- and I’m pretty sure that Mr. Pence would have gotten the remaining Cabinet members to declare you unfit for office if they didn’t keep avoiding his call. I’m afraid your best option right now would be to resign and leave the city as quickly and quietly as possible.
Trump: Quietly! Why you … you … [rummages frantically among papers no desk]
Kushner: Sir, would like me to find your paperweight so you can throw it at me?
Trump: [Calms down] Forget it. If I’m not getting a buyout I might as well go on being President. Besides, Melania hasn’t finished picking which paintings she wants to keep.
Kushner: Paintings, sir?
Trump: Yeah, I know I called this place a dump, but there actually some really classy paintings here that will look great at Mar-a-Lago. Besides, um, um, Barron – right? – has already drawn mustaches on some of them.
Kushner: [Nervously] Actually, sir, technically – but only in a strictly legal sense – those paintings don’t belong … which is to say, they, um … um… [Turns and sprints for door]
January 10, 2021
Kushner: Thank you, sir.
Trump: I’ve come to a big decision. I’m ready to walk away from all this, as long as we can come up with a figure.
Kushner: [Visibly relieved.] Oh, thank you, sir. I was afraid to raise the question – especially after you threw a paperweight at Mr. Meadows the other day. But really, at this point, resigning is probably best for the country – and for you! Especially for you.
Trump: Yeah, I think I’ve done all I can do anyway, and it looks like that witch Pelosi has talked the Joints Chief out my raid on Iran. God, that would have been great.
Kushner: It certainly would have, sir. Now, about that figure, I think we should move quickly, no more than a couple of days.
Trump: A couple of days, 5 days – I don’t care as long as I get paid. But I need to have my numbers straight. I was thinking of asking for $100 million, but I’d probably settle for $50 million. Think Pelosi will go for that?
Kushner: [Confused] Sir, $50 million for what, exactly?
Trump: My buyout, what else? That’s the way it’s always worked. When I stop making money from some deal, or when it just starts to become a pain in the keyster, I take off, but not before I secure some big buyout, for, you know, compensation.
Kushner: But, sir, you have already been compensated. You receive a salary.
Trump: A few hundred K a year? That barely covers Earl’s allowance.
Kushner: Earl, sir?
Trump: My son.
Kushner: You mean Barron?
Trump: [Thinks for a second] Yeah, that's him. Sweet kid. Melania’s.
Kushner: And besides that, sir, given the general mood in the country right now it’s not like you have a lot of leverage. Congress is ready to impeach you -- again -- and I’m pretty sure that Mr. Pence would have gotten the remaining Cabinet members to declare you unfit for office if they didn’t keep avoiding his call. I’m afraid your best option right now would be to resign and leave the city as quickly and quietly as possible.
Trump: Quietly! Why you … you … [rummages frantically among papers no desk]
Kushner: Sir, would like me to find your paperweight so you can throw it at me?
Trump: [Calms down] Forget it. If I’m not getting a buyout I might as well go on being President. Besides, Melania hasn’t finished picking which paintings she wants to keep.
Kushner: Paintings, sir?
Trump: Yeah, I know I called this place a dump, but there actually some really classy paintings here that will look great at Mar-a-Lago. Besides, um, um, Barron – right? – has already drawn mustaches on some of them.
Kushner: [Nervously] Actually, sir, technically – but only in a strictly legal sense – those paintings don’t belong … which is to say, they, um … um… [Turns and sprints for door]
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