Greenland Explained, Part 2

Presidential Office -Kremlin

Moscow,

August 8, 2019

Putin: Hello, Donald.

Trump:  Vlad, is that you?

Putin: Yes, Donald.

Trump: I know it’s been a while since I called, Vlad – and by the way I want you to know how cool it is that you let me call you ‘Vlad.’

Putin: [Annoyed] I know, Donald.

Trump:  Well, anyway, I’ve missed our little chats, and, I’ve just been feeling down lately.

Putin: Why, Donald?

Trump: I just feel like I’m not enjoying this anymore.  Nobody likes me – even white people are starting to laugh at me – and now my advisors tell me the economy is looking bad.  I just don’t know what to do.

Putin:  Isn’t there someplace you could invade? [Snickering in background.]

Trump: What?

Putin: When oil prices fell in 2008 we invaded Georgia and …

Trump: Really?  Because …

Putin: [Testily] Not that Georgia, we’ve been over that.  Anyway, I invaded Georgia and people loved me.  Then, in 2014, everyone was complaining about how much the Olympics cost so I annexed Crimea.

Trump: And it was popular?

Putin:  Donald, I could have had one of my opponents shot in front of the Kremlin and nothing would have happened to me.  [Open laughter in background before Putin turns and puts finger to lips.]

Trump:  And you think it would work for me?

Putin:  I don’t know, Donald.  You have all those generals who Obama picked who might not be loyal.  But maybe you could buy someplace before the economy goes bad.  Let’s think, are there any islands around you that you like?

Trump:  You know, when I was helping my son, um, um, …

Putin: Barron

Trump:  Right.  When I was helping him with his geography homework I saw there is this big island in the Atlantic that I always thought was Nantucket.  Turns out it belongs to Denmark.  I remember thinking, how did a little loser country like Denmark get this huge island?  So maybe …

Putin:  That’s the spirit, Donald.  And don’t take no for an answer. [Turns to stifle snickering.]

Trump:  Thanks, Vlad.  I feel better already. 

Putin:  Glad to help.

Trump:  I’ll talk to you soon.  And Melania sends her best.

Putin: I know that, Donald.