Greenland Explained

White House

August 15, 2019

Aide: Sir, I have some upsetting news.  There is some disturbing data that indicates we might be in trouble with the economy.

Trump: Oh, that inverse yield thing?  Don’t worry I have a plan.

Aide: [Relieved] Oh, thank God.  Some of us were afraid that you thought those tax cuts and the Trade War with China were actually going to work.

Trump: [Testily] They are going to work, they just need time.

Aide: That’s the spirit, sir [Feigning enthusiasm].  Now tell me all about this plan.

Trump:  Okay, maybe I don’t know all the ins and outs of these budget things, but if there’s one thing I know its real estate.  [Yells out to person in back of room] What’s the name of that place we fly over all the time?

Voice: Greenland!

Trump: That’s right, Greenland.  How about this?  We buy Greenland.

Aide: [Incredulous] Buy Greenland? 

Trump: You heard me, we buy Greenland. 

Aide: I … I … I … I am afraid I do not understand the plan, sir.  But I’m sure it’s brilliant.

Trump: This is what I learned as a businessman.  Just when the numbers start to look sour, I always made this big splashy purchase.  I talk it up, about how this shows we’re on the rebound, how this hotel or casino is going to be a big money-maker, then this gives me time to cash out before we have to declare bankruptcy.

Aide: [Slowly] Declare bankruptcy, sir?

Trump: Brilliant, huh?

Aide: Sir, we have been through this before, as President of the United States, you control the nation’s finances but do not profit personally.  There is no “cashing out.”  And the United States of America cannot just declare bankruptcy.  It would surely set off a world-wide depression.

Trump: No cashing out?

Aide: No, sir.

Trump: Okay, well I also have a …, what’s it called?  Oh yeah, a Plan B.

Aide: [Relieved] I knew it, sir.  What is the Plan B?

Trump: Get Mnuchin and Kudlow on all the squawk shows this weekend to say this data is all fake news and how I won’t let the economy tank.